Vancouver and by Association All of Canada Handle Stanley Cup Loss With Class...Whoops, I mean Canada Behaves Like a Bunch of Barbaric Vikings after 2nd Place Finish

Vancouver - Riot police fired teargas to control a crowd burning cars and looting shops in Vancouver after the Canucks lost the Stanley Cup final to the Boston Bruins. Thousands of people had gathered in the city centre in the hope of celebrating the Canucks' first Stanley Cup win, but the party atmosphere disappeared after the Bruins secured a 4-0 victory. The scenes were reminiscent of a riot that erupted when Vancouver lost the Stanley Cup in 1994, as groups of mostly young men threw bottles, attacking parked cars and smashed shop windows. Hospital officials said several people had been treated for stab wounds and many more for exposure to teargas or pepper spray. Police have not released any information on how many people had been arrested.

You'd think for a nation of second place finishers these hosers would be able to handle defeate a bit more graciously  by now, no?  I mean how many more years of being an also-ran country is it going to take for these hosers to accept their place in the world? 

Like this is nothing new, even for Vancouver, I mean you just got finished hosting the Olympics, as far as I know (and I'm not bothering to look this up), ya'll didn't finish first in medals there either.  Probably 2nd or 3rd. You should be used to this finish by now.

Shit, every single day of your lives, you're second place...You go abroad and the first question people probably ask is if you're American.  And admit it, they're a little disappointed when you say "no, just a Canadian." It's depressing. You're a second class North American Citizen...Hell even the name of your continent rubs it in.  We're not hanging out in North Canada, its North America.  

Get used to it guys, things aren't changing anytime soon, take solace in the fact that your 2nd place pole position is secure though, doesn't look like Mexico is going anywhere anytime soon...and I'm pretty sure your pussy hockey team could beat a Mexican squad any day, so you got that going for you.

Huge Night For Black and Yellow Boys From Boston, The Bruins had a Pretty Nice Night Too

So obviously everyone knows how things turned out for the B's last night, went to Canada and beat mercilessly on some hosers and returned with some hardware.  I'm the pinkest of the pink hat bruins fans so I'm not going to wax on here about this victory. I'll just say, thank god.  These are Canadians we're talking about, and not just any Canadians but West Coast Canadians.  Not only are they harmless saps, but they're chill, lazy, harmless saps. Losing to that band of sissy losers would have been the official death knell for this great nation.

While all that was happening and Chara (left) was doing his best Cast Away "I HAVE MADE FIRE" impression, a little known underdog was doing work back in Boston, wrapping up a dream season that no one believed possible.

That's right, the Black and Yellow of the Wednesday Night Mixed-Coed B-Division Indoor Soccer League (The WNMCBDIS if you're tracking at home) shocked the world with a league championship.  

The little team that could, the team that no one gave a chance pulled off the single greatest "no one believed in us" victory the WNMCBDIS has ever seen, one that will go down in the history books and be talked about for a long, long time.  

I'll spare you the details as I promised to stop writing indoor soccer wrap ups a long time ago, but suffice to say this game had much more drama than the Bruins stomping on a bunch of figure skaters throats did. The game was finally won with 5 seconds remaining in OT on a free kick goal from team rookie JB. Shocked, stunned, and relieved (yours truly, CW was filling in net last night, was more than relieved that the game wouldn't be settled over penalty kicks) the jubillant team rode off into the sunset to celebrate and watch their counterparts handle their business out west. And for this blogger, it seemed fitting that both teams adorned in black and gold came through on the same night.  

PS: I have 0 blogs prepared today, so I'm just winging the rest of the day.

Barney Frank on Anthony Weiner: Not Appropriate for Me to Judge Him

WASHINGTON –The scandal over Anthony Weiner’s racy photos and sexually charged online exchanges with women has continued to divide members of the Massachusetts congressional delegation – and is keeping at least one on the sidelines. More than 20 years ago, Newton Democrat Barney Frank refused to resign amid his own scandal over a male escort who used his apartment for a prostitution service. Because of his past troubles, Frank said in a brief interview today, it would be “inappropriate” to weigh in on Weiner and whether he should step down. “Given my own past history, I think it’s not appropriate for me to sit as a judge of other people’s personal behavior that way,” said Frank.

I'm not going to even touch it...But something tells me Barney would...if you catch my drift.

Wait for it, wait for it...You got it!

Old Man Gives his Nurse a Titty Twister on Private Jet, Doesn't See What the Big Deal Is

St. Paul, Minn. — An 83-year-old Nevada man has been charged with assault for allegedly grabbing a female paramedic on a private flight to Rochester in September. Robert M. Lee was on his private plane traveling under the care of a paramedic and a registered nurse from Show Low, Ariz., to Rochester. According to court documents, Lee grabbed and twisted the paramedic's breast, causing injury, as the paramedic helped him return to his seat. Federal prosecutors said the paramedic asked Lee not to touch her, and Lee allegedly replied: "I can do whatever I want. This is my airplane." When the registered nurse told him he couldn't touch the medical crew, Lee allegedly repeated he could on his airplane and threatened to do the same thing again. Lee then told the nurse she should be wearing a shirt that would allow him to slide his hand down it more easily..

The balls on this old man huh? Dude is spry as hell.

In fairness, it kind of sounds like he has a point.  To the extent that you have your own plane and hired the nurse as help, I think you legally can give her a titty twister whenever you want.  I think that ruling came down somewhere in the People Vs. Larry Flynt if I recall correctly.

And the woman can spare me, she knew the deal as soon as she signed on.  Your day job may be a nurse, but when you answered this guy’s personal ad for an in-air care giver on craigslist, you had to know you were being hired as a prostitute.  

Plus I’m not even sure normal American laws apply up there, or at least they shouldn’t. I mean if community standards and laws cease to exist in international waters I don’t see how the same doesn’t apply 15-20,000 feet up.  What jurisdiction do the courts possibly have there?

Canadian Woman Gripes that No One Left A Courtesy Note When They Stole Her Front Lawn

EDMONTON — Denise Thompson had a beautiful front lawn, thick and green. It was where her four children and two dogs played, and where she drank coffee on sunny mornings. Then someone stole it. They didn’t even leave a note. “Now my place looks like I’m a farmer who just plowed and is ready to put their seeds down,” she said Monday. Thompson and her children went to visit her husband in Stettler Friday morning. They returned to their Kilkenny neighbourhood home Sunday afternoon. The family entered through the back door and everything seemed fine. Then Thompson opened the blinds on the large picture window in the front room. “Oh my God,” she thought. “Where is my grass?” She went outside to the swath of ugly, brown dirt that had replaced her lawn. She thought there might be a note to explain an accident, like when someone dings your car in the mall parking lot. There were no clues. Thompson canvassed neighbours and several reported a white truck and trailer parked at her house. No one thought it was suspicious. Just another landscaping job. Thompson believes that a landscaping company messed up the address on a job. Though she laughed about the bizarre disappearance, the potential cost of replacing the greenery is on her mind. Her insurance company is baffled by her story and hasn’t decided if she will be compensated.

Biatch can cut the poor me routine, she knows exactly what the fuck happened here. I worked irrigation long enough to know what happens when someone doesn't pay for their nice, new, green sodded lawn.  Shit gets ripped up real quick. Pay your bills lady.  And don't try and play it off like they got the wrong address.  You can't just roll up to any house and fold up the lawn nice and neat in a couple hours.  That shit has to be a fresh install or it aint going anywhere.  

Love how she tries to sell the story with the "I thought they'd leave a note like a car accident" bit.  I'll humor you and pretend you weren't a deadbeat for a second...ok, ready? How dumb are you? A note like a car accident? A note is something you leave when you accidentally swap paint with someones car and feel like doing the right thing.  What do you think happened here? Some neighborhood kid started digging a small hole in your lawn and got carried away and ended up carting the whole frigen thing down the street in his little red wagon?  Get your head out of your ass lady.  

I guess this time the grass really is greener on the otherside....HEEEYYYYYOOOO

Study Finds US Kids Don't Know Much About History...Which CW Thinks is a Good Thing

Yahoo - U.S. students don't know much about American history. Just 13 percent of high school seniors who took the 2010 National Assessment of Educational Progress, called the Nation's Report Card, showed a solid grasp of the subject. Results released Tuesday showed the two other grades didn't perform much better, with just 22 percent of fourth-grade students and 18 percent of eighth-graders demonstrating proficiency. The test quizzed students on topics including colonization, the American Revolution and the Civil War, and the contemporary United States. For example, one question asked fourth-graders to name an important result of the U.S. building canals in the 1800s. Only 44 percent knew that it was increased trade among states. "The history scores released today show that student performance is still too low," Education Secretary Arne Duncan said in a statement. "These results tell us that, as a country, we are failing to provide children with a high-quality, well-rounded education." Education experts say a heavy focus on reading and math under the federal No Child Left Behind law in the last decade has led to lagging performance in other subjects such as history and science. "We need to make sure other subjects like history, science and the arts are not forgotten in our pursuit of the basic skills," said Diane Ravitch, a research professor at New York University and former U.S. assistant education secretary.

You ask me this is a huge step in the right direction. This is exactly the attitude that has led to US students sucking at school these days, falling behind in the math and science departments. Way too much history from history teachers that feel way too much self-importance.

You think those kids in Japan and China give a shit about what a bunch of sandal wearing bastards in Mesopotamia were doing millenia's ago?  Hell no. They're focused on world domination, government propoganda, and crushing American kids in the job market. 

I loved history growing up, but it didn't exactly do me any favors. Sure it may come in handy if I make jeopardy someday, and sure I don't have to cheat on my smartphone like everyone else during the history rounds of pub night trivia, but beyond that my trivial knowledge of history has been worth precisely dick.  Oh, I won a geography bee in middle school once.  Don't want to forget that glowing triumph. 

You want to fix the American education system? Throw some Uncle Sam propoganda at these kids, give them a take home science kit and a Bunson Bruner and lets not see if we can't get these kids to invent some new shit.  We got a ware to win here people.

Little League Parent Objects to Barry Bond's Trainer Coaching His Son's Team...Loser

A Northern California youth baseball league has barred Barry Bonds' former personal trainer from coaching his son's team. The president of the Burlingame Youth Baseball Association says Greg Anderson is not a registered coach and is prohibited from being on the field during games. Anderson, who has coached for years, was told of the prohibition after a parent complained about the convicted steroid dealer's participation. League president Mike Brunicardi says there were no complaints until this season. Anderson spent three weeks in prison this year for refusing to testify at Bonds' trial on charges that he lied about steroids use. Anderson earlier pleaded guilty to steroids distribution. Brunicardi says Anderson is free to register as a coach next season, but will have to undergo a background check like other volunteers.

You know who's son is going to suck at sports? The dude who complained about a professional athlete's trainer coaching his son, that's who.

And not just any trainer, the trainer of the home run king of all of baseball, steroid era included, which we all know is the most impressive era.  So what if the guy has a rep as a drug dealer? Does this guy know how much college costs these days? You sure you don't want that baseball scholarship? Because I'm pretty sure a world class baseball trainer and the right cocktail of designer performance enhancers could mold your scrawny 10 year old into a baseball crushing machine. 

Yea your kid might have the biggest high school forehed the 12th grade has ever seen by the time he graduates, but the benefit of a free ride to college or a multi-million dollar baseball contract see a fair trade off, no?

So congrats guy, might as well pat yourself on the back for that gigantic tuition bill you all but assured yourself.

Wake Up With: Australian Reporter's Joke Not Impressing the Dalai Lama

Cheeky Bastard!

How great was the reporters reactions "embarrasing myself in front of you, a world leader." I damn near pissed myself.  Gloriously quirky Australian accent too.

Don't worry bud, it's not your fault, I got it right away.  And I'm starting to think this Lama may be a fraud, I thought he's supposed to be all knowing or understanding or something like that? How does he not get this elementary existentialist joke?

Crane Delivering Pool Crashes through Dudes House

SHOREVIEW, Minn. -- A home improvement project went terribly wrong when a crane fell on a home in Shoreview. Crews were trying to install a fiberglass pool in the homeowners backyard when the crane came crashing down onto the house, causing the truck to tip up into the air. "He was just shaking in his boots, he was scared," Krause said. "I just heard the guy scream, and as soon as he yelled, I heard a noise, I knew something was wrong, I turned and ran."

Ummm, if I saw this I'm pretty sure my first question wouldn't be "Are you okay?" It would probably be something along the lines of WHAT THE FUCK.

Plus its a stupid question, of course the guy isn't ok, he's 35 feet up in the air trapped in an upright crane. I'm pretty sure this isn't your typical, everyday situation.  Like what is he supposed to say, "Yea buddy I'm fine, just hold on, I'll shimmy on down." 

Come on guy, get your head out of your ass. Dudes, garage is gone, his pool is presumably shattered and there is a gigantic truck pointed upright on his front lawn. How about a little urgency.  You act like you see this all the time, must be the worst contractor ever if you're not shocked by this.