Alt-Tabs

McRib is Back! – "It has a ghostly quality," says Mr. Dixon, a 30-year-old graphic novelist. "You don't know when it will appear. It's the girl who you are in love with who has always been a tease to you."On Nov. 2, for the first time in 16 years, McDonald's Corp. will offer the McRib at outlets across the U.S., but even then, only for six weeks or so. "It doesn't sell well all year long because people get tired of it," says McDonald's USA President Jan Fields.

Amen, Mr. Dixon.  You can be damn sure where to find me on Nov. 2^nd at 1:15 PM. I’ll be the one asking if I can buy an whole case of the frozen mystery meat patties. And I don’t care that the sandwich itself has nothing to do with ribs.  Fact is the sight of these precious processed patty sandwiches makes me salivate more than any other food (Tony Roma’s makes a good alternative).  It’s cruelty to their customer base that McD’s makes some markets wait years before bringing these happy meals (in the literal sense, not the titular) back into their lives.  

Russian Jersey Shore Coming - "It's a multi-generational story told in the Lifetime voice of women living, dating and working in Brighton Beach," Gena McCarthy, Lifetime's senior vice president for nonfiction programming, told the Post. "You'll see women in their 20s, 30s and 40s and even grandmothers ... women and men as they date and struggle to assimilate," she said. And, unlike "Jersey Shore" -- which revolves around a bunch of twenty-something pals -- there will be several families featured in the series, which doesn't have an air-date yet.

Umm, what part of this sounds like “Jersey Shore?”  Just shameless advertising.  And if you’re going to try and piggy back on a cultural breakout don’t you go with Russian Sex and the City here?  And grandmothers dating? Who are they targeting with this crap.  You’re Lifetime, stick to the script, its tried and proven.  Woman is suspicious of husband/BF, woman's suspicions are confirmed.  Woman is then beaten by husband/BF. Husband/BF is locked up/killed, woman looked at publicly as hero for giving all other women hope.

Slots, Booze, Smokes, Welfare? - Bay State welfare recipients can play the slots, pick up a six-pack of beer or nab a flat-screen plasma TV under loosey-goosey Bay State restrictions that allow those on the dole to treat taxpayers’ wallets as their own personal ATM…“I’m offended. The idea is welfare benefits are supposed to go to people who can’t work and are just barely getting by,” said the bar owner, who requested anonymity. “As a taxpayer I’m surprised the state wants to make it this easy to allow welfare recipients to misuse our money like this.”

This is new?  Gambling, alcohol and tobacco have been recession proof industries for decades now and the Boston Herald has just caught on as to why? 

 And this anonymous bar tender can cut the shit.  The only thing he’s offended by is the fact that his un-ethical cash cow is now in the public light. 

Barbershop Infidelity

This blog is the first guest blog I've had on the site, brought to you by "The Maestro."  If anyone else is interested in hitching their wagon to my star, feel free to submit ideas or entire blogs from time to time (I like this approach better, I'm kind of a lazy person, if you've done a decent enough job writing I'll just post your submission as is. If the idea is good but your writing sucks I'll re-write and give you a shout) to thealttab@gmail.com.

 This particular entry touches on something I'm sure all guys can relate to, at least those of us that moved on from SuperCuts once we graduated middle school.

 I cheated on my girlfriend of nearly 10 years with an exotic pr*stitute yesterday, and I can’t stop thinking about it.  Well, not exactly…I got my haircut at a different barber after going to the same one for the last 10 years.  Now let me start by saying I’ve never cheated on my girlfriend with a foreign pr*stitute, but I imagine this must be exactly what it feels like.  Then again, I’ve never actually had either (as far as you know), so we’re making a lot of assumptions here.     Anyways, I just got back from a bachelor party in LA, so I was still kind of in “guy’s weekend” mode…had Monday off to recover, and my regular barber was “away for the weekend” (he’s closed on Mondays).  I needed a haircut bad, and figured I’d never have this opportunity again.  I go to this place around the corner from me (fittingly enough called Guy’s), peruse the selection of Playboys on the table to get me in the mood…all the while looking over my shoulder to see if I’d been noticed.     As soon as I sat down in the chair and the clippers started going, I got a sinking feeling in my stomach.  Oh no…this is wrong…what have I done?  When the hair started falling off, I realized there was no going back, so I just had to suck it up and wait till it was over (I think there’s a certain Bobby Knight quote that applies here, but this is a family blog.)  It was terrible…there was no conversation, and what was spoken was spoken in broken English.  He didn’t know “how I like it”, and I ended up getting overcharged at the end.  The silver lining was that he did something to me that I had never had done before.  When the warm shaving cream and razor blade went around the edges of my hair, it was quite the rush.  At the same time, I feel like its way too short, and whenever people comment on it, I get uncomfortable and try to change the subject.     I’m already dreading the next time I see my regular barber and he asks me where I’ve been.  I want to say I’ll never go back, but hey, a guy has his needs.


  -The Maestro

Google Car

Google Car - (Mashable) -- Google announced Sunday that it has developed cars that drive themselves automatically in traffic, and that it has been testing them on the streets of California for months.
Thank God for Google.  Anyone that has heard me rant about this subject before knows that I’ll be the first in line for one of these babies.  Short of actual teleportation I’ve dreamed for years now of just getting in my car, zoning out or taking a nap, and arriving at my destination stress free (to the smartasses that are going to point out that I could always take a bus, I ask you this.  How often have you felt relaxed enough to nap on the bus? Might as well take a nap in the lobby of a mental hospital at that point). 
Let’s break down some points from this historic news.

1.      Only one accident, and it was caused by human error.  And this is in Southern California.  Do you have any idea how many undocumented illegals these cars have encountered in Southern California? One accident in month’s worth of testing is downright miraculous.

2.      “The vehicles' instant reaction time and 360-degree awareness would allow them to drive closer together on the highway than humans can”  That alone sold me.  I don’t know if you’re anything like me (but I assume you’re just as awesome as I am, you are reading this blog after all), but when I’m in traffic and the car in front of me begins leaving more than one car length of space between themselves and the car in front of them it leaves me with a few tough choices.  A. Sit there and curse the inferior driver at the top of my lungs but ultimately do nothing about it. B. Swerve into the grass on the left (you won’t find me anywhere but the fast lane) and jump in front of the asshole.  He left the space, he was asking for it. Or, C. Live out the bumper car fantasy on the highway and push them to close the gap.  I’m edging closer and closer to C each day.

3.      “But the biggest benefit for Google would be the hour or so of daily commute time the car owner would save. Instead of driving, he or she could either be productive or entertained in the vehicle, doing work on a wireless Internet (Internet) connection or watching television.”  The “doing work” thing seems counter-intuitive to the idea as a whole (I’m trying to do less work, that’s why I’m having a computer drive for me) but sign me up for the rest.  A bit of directed advertising is a small price to pay if I can catch up with my DVR while on the ride to family cookouts. 

4.      They don’t mention it in the article but this would eliminate two of the biggest hassles known to mankind.  The DMV, because as soon as it’s legal for my car to chauffer me around you can bet your ass I’m never stepping foot inside that leper colony again. And Auto Insurance Companies.  If I’m not driving I’d argue I don’t need to be insured. The auto makers themselves should be on the hook

5.      “The most optimistic projections put this technology at least eight years away from market, though.”  Shit.  Guess I’ll be looking up that bus schedule after all. 

Teenage Dream

I was going to wait 'til tomorrow to share this with all of you but I literally haven't stopped watching this kids videos for the past two day (also if your office is anything like mine then you can't access youtube at work, silly productivity concerns, like I can't find other things to occupy my time).

I've got to hand it to him, once King of Queens came to an end I was pretty sure Patton Oswald's acting career was over.  Not much of a market for short and pudgy guys with gigantic foreheads.  Who knew all this time he'd been banging out hit after hit in obscurity on youtube.

America's Useless Education System

Anyone else ever bothered by how much useless knowledge you have? Or how that space you'll never get back could have been used for more productive or profitable information?

I constantly think about this, and it goes beyond just having meaningless trivia knowledge.  I'm talking about stuff that has been ingrained since my elementary school days. Stupid stuff that we have no real need for and never will, even the trivial stuff comes in handy when watching Jeopardy with friends, trivia night at bars, or filling out crossword puzzles.  The stuff I'm talking about is truly useless.

Two examples taught to everyone in my generation (and presumably still being taught); hand writing and Roman numerals.  I can think of  no point in time in my life beyond the point where I was being graded for my knowledge and expertise of each subject that I have needed either of these arcane literary tools.

Hand writing- The generation prior to mine was probably the last to need this, and even then it was for a small window in time.  Why are we still wasting time on this? If I never needed it, kids today certainly won't.  Ever since about the 5th grade the only time I've used cursive is signing checks and/or legal documents.  That's it.  Teach these kids how to create a rock star signature (I personally spent hours perfecting mine on Little League baseball photos made to look like actual baseball cards), and just leave it at that. An awesome signature will take you places in life, much more-so than perfecting the lower case z.  Start teaching kids to type, give them a skill that might actually get them a job, assuming there are still jobs in this country when they get older.  If I see one more co-worker pecking away with just their index fingers I'm going to snap.  You're an adult, type like an adult. 

Roman Numerals - Of all the subject matter I've retained in life this is by far the biggest waste of space.  Aside from Super Bowls (which needs to stop, I'm sure the average country bumpkin NFL fan has no clue what these mean anyway) I've never needed this.  For that matter I'm pretty certain the majority of my ancestors have never needed this either, yet we keep teaching it to children.  Roman numerals were replaced sometime during the 14th century!  Kids aren't taught Latin anymore because its a dead language (even though its far more relevant and useful than Roman Numerals), yet we keep pushing this system that was deemed replaceable 700  years ago (for obvious reasons, think about how confusing multiplication would be, trying being eight years old and wrapping you're mind around X x X = C). Do you think the Japanese are wasting time with this foolish system? I don't.  They dropped the abacus a long time ago, its time for us to drop this.  You want to teach the kids a neat form of code? Teach them computer/internet code.  Unless the kids are aspiring to careers that involve cave drawings, I'm pretty sure learning a few basic lines of code a year will benefit the them and our future society much more. 

The American job market is evolving, our education system needs to do the same.  It's too late for my generation, at least give the next one a chance, and besides, someone needs to support my social security checks when I retire.

Am I a Middle Manager?

Monday again, bringing another week of  middle managing for the CW.  Probably the biggest reason I started this blog was to take my mind off the fact that Monday-Friday from the hours of 10-7 I am a robotic, cold, soul-less middle manager.  At least I hope I am.

Allow me to explain.  You see, I have all the responsibilities of a middle manager (aka annoying crap), along with a slight power and salary edge over the members of my team, all key indicators pointing to being a middle manager.  I however have noticed two things in the past few months that have made me think I may be even lower on the totem poll than I thought.  Somewhere lower than middle manager, yet higher than entry level employee.  A little slice of heaven hell I like to call Corporate Limbo.

First, and this is definitely the more important of the two, I haven't received a corporate issue Blackberry.  As we all know, the corporate Blackberry is the international symbol of the middle manager (some of you might point out that executives also carry Blackberry's and are now wondering how you can tell the difference between a happy, successful exec and a miserable, depressed middle manager.  Have no fear, as a general rule of thumb if the Blackberry is a current or very recent model they are presumably an exec, if the Blackberry in question is a few model years old and built like a tank you can presume the person in possession is a middle manager).  Middle managers live and breathe their company 24 hours a day with the small hope of some day making the executive level, this is most evident when observing their bionic hand feeding them a constant stream of corporate communications and client e-mails that they are able to delete immediately upon receipt, as opposed to just waiting until 10 am the next day as I currently do. 

Secondly, my manager is definitely a middle manager (all the aforementioned responsibilities, power, salary, and he has the blackberry).  By default I don't think I can have the same title as the person I directly report to, that would cause the kind of corporate chaos that led to the downfall of Initech.  No, my title and status have to be a rung below his if only to keep the actual middle manager's self-esteem high enough that the company can deflect their responsibility to provide depression counseling.  I think I'll title myself a "Lower Level Leader."  It's alliterative (always a plus when introducing new corporate jargon), and pretty accurately describes my current status level. 

My question is should I be happy about this?  I've avoided the public stigma (in my mind) that goes with being a middle manager, but I've ultimately admitted that I'm a level lower.  Leave a comment, let us know what you think, or where you rank in the corporate ladder.

Alt-Tabs Friday Bonanza Edition

I’d like to give a special acknowledgment to all of my readers spread through out Eastern Asia.  I have no idea how they found me but my burgeoning blog empire seems to have planted roots in the Far East.

 

Spaghetti Tacos -“This combination seems to be inevitability, sort of like chocolate and peanut butter running into each other on that Reese’s commercial,” he said. “The amazement should be only that it took ‘iCarly’ to bring it into our melting pot of a culture. Spaghetti tacos has made it possible to eat spaghetti in your car, he said. It’s a very important technological development. You don’t even need a plate.”

This is amazing! I literally average 3.5-4 meals a week that consist of either some form of Spaghetti or Taco night.  It’s astounding that I’ve never put two and two together.  And it’s not like I’m not an experimental eater either, I’ve been pushing peanut butter and turkey sandwiches on anyone who will listen for years now, but some how this beautiful concoction flew right under my radar.

Boston Transit Authority Cracking Down -The MBTA is cracking down on fare evasion this week, stepping up efforts on the commuter rail, subway, and bus systems against passengers who attempt to slip through the turnstiles without paying or to sneak by with expired or counterfeit passes, transit officials said.

            Here’s an idea, instead of the MBTA bitching about being broke and defaulting on their debts why don’t they focus on collecting subway and bus fares every week?  I’d say on any given Green Line train during the day a good 10-20% of the riders hopped on for free.  Hell, all the stops don’t even have turnstiles. And don’t even get me started on the buses.  Granted I’ve only rode a few times but I’ve never been charged and I’ve seen entire families pay the boarding fee by simply shrugging their shoulders when asked to purchase a ticket.  Wouldn’t hurt to fire the hard working lazy asses that constantly ignore the alarm when it goes off because that would mean setting down their newspaper and getting out of their chair.

African man with 100 Wives Passes Away - Ancentus Akuku, a legendary Kenyan polygamist, passed away due to natural causes; he was in his late 90s. He first married in 1939, became a polygamist at 22 and married his last wife in 1992. He had more than 100 wives, and more than 200 children, each of whom he named personally. He had so many children that he set up two schools to educate them.

            All right I’ll throw out the obvious joke; Ancentus Akuku schooled more Africans than the United Negro College Fund!

NY Subway Transit Raises Price -While I feel for New Yorkers because of the hike I still have to assume that’s a bargain price for the entertainment they're provided.  If it’s anything like my orange line rides, littered with drunks, junkies, and obnoxious urban youths show casing their hip-hop skills then they have nothing to complain about.  And everyone knows all the great subway talent resides in New York.  For a blogger a $104 monthly pass would pay for itself in material

Massachusetts Wastes Money on Horse Bridge - (FOX 25 / MyFoxBoston.com) - While hundreds of Massachusetts bridges are in need of serious repairs, one bridge is being replaced even though nothing heavier than a horse is expected to go over it. The span known as the horse bridge crosses over Route 24 in Randolph and is being rebuilt for $4.6 million, up from its original price tag of $2.6 million. It connects one portion of the 238-acre Blue Hills Reservation with another.

            Really? Do I even need to come up with snarky, pessimistic comments here or should common sense cover it? There is an election for Governor next week, any of the candidates looking for last minute campaign suggestions would do well to shed light on this project and promise to shut it down, immediately.  And what’s with this $2 million bump in price? What kind of estimate is that? Did the bridge all of a sudden double in size? Or did the wallets of a few local politicians?  I’m no expert but I’m sure I could call a bridge building company tomorrow and have a horse bridge/overpass built and completed by December for less than $50K.  This post was paid for by the CW for State Treasurer committee. 

London Takes Civilian Spying to a Whole New Level - LONDON (Reuters) – Anyone who owns a laptop computer can now fight crime from the safety of their home and win cash prizes for catching thieves red-handed, under a new British monitoring scheme that went live this week. The service works by employing an army of registered armchair snoopers who watch hours of CCTV footage from cameras in stores and high street venues across the country. Viewers can win up to 1,000 pounds ($1,600) in cash a month from Devon-based firm Internet Eyes, which distributes the streaming footage, when offenders are caught in the act.

Sign me up! Once you get past the whole blatant government intrusion of privacy can you imagine the fun to be had prank calling shop keepers alerting them to nonexistent shoplifters? If the Simpsons were still funny and/or relevant Bart would have had a field day with this news.

That’s all for today, have a great weekend.  If you like what you’ve been reading tell one friend to check it out, much appreciated. 

            -CW

Public Service Announcement

It seems the men in my office need a refresher on urinal etiquette.  Seriously, its been like working with a bunch of kindergartners, all trying to figure out how the whole bathroom scene works on their first day of school.  At a bare minimum I would have expected everyone to realize you shouldn't drop your pants at the urinal, but alas it seems we need to start from scratch, so here are a few common rules for urinal use.

1. Don't drop your pants at the urinal.  Like I said, thought this one was pretty obvious. No one needs to turn the corner to see a grown man bare assed whizzing away.
2. Proximity - Disturbing trend at my work is the urinal hugger, these people are just jamming their stuff and entire midsection into the outer rim of the urinal.  There's no avoiding the back splash at that this point, you might as well throw your shirt in the laundry while you're washing your hands.  A good rule of thumb is about 9 inches back (assuming your bathroom has the dividers between urinals). Any further and you're risking shoe splatter.
3. Eye contact- This should be pretty straight forward, literally.  This isn't much of an issue at my office, not many wandering eyes, bad for careers.  Head straight down isn't the most natural look either, its uncomfortable knowing the dude next to you is inspecting himself for infections from the past weekend.
4. Finally, flush the toilet.  It's disgusting and germ-a-phobia is no excuse.  You wash your hands on the way out, the half second touch it takes to flush the toilet isn't going to result in you catching a whole new brand of AIDS or hep.  No one wants to walk in and deal with your stagnant and unnaturally dark colored piss (you may want to focus on hydration as well).

UPDATE: It's been brought to my attention that I've overlooked one extremely important rule in urinal use.  Urinal Selection.  General rule of thumb go for the most elbow room possible.  If there are 3 urinals and all are empty you take the one to the left or right.  If you take the middle you're opening yourself up to some serious questions.  If you blatantly choose the urinal next to someone despite other openings without neighbors then that person has every right to kick your ass if in the proper setting (bars, ball games, city toilets etc...)

Media Darling/Big Weirdo Creep

So the Brett Favre/Jenn Sterger rumors are back (here if you haven't been following), with Deadspin claiming to have copies of the alleged sexts of Brett's manhood to prove it (I didn't check it out, but I can only assume it has Tom Jacksons lips attached to it).  As big as that news is on its own (or not big? maybe someone that saw the pics can comment) Brett made even bigger news today when he ducked the media on questions pertaining to the issue.

If you recall, Deadspin.com made allegations prior to this season that Brett Favre may have sent Jenn Sterger adulterous photos of himself and left questionable phone messages for her.

Sterger is a former contractor of the New York Jets and was working closely with the team as a sideline reporter when Favre was their quarterback.  Until today, Deadspin had not put forth any evidence to back up Sterger’s claims, but they have now posted some messages and photos.

“I’m not getting into that. I’ve got my hands full with the Jets,” was the only statement Favre made on the matter when it came up at his press conference today.

This is a man who basically invites the media to set up camp outside his Mississippi home each summer to watch him ride around on his lawn mower in his famous Wrangler jeans while he "decides" whether or not he's going to play one more season.  This is the man who ruined Sportscenter for myself and countless other sports fans, doing more to push the network further into the depths of Entertainment news than Barry Bonds, Tonya Harding, Lebron James, Roger Clemens and OJ Simpson combined.  

So on behalf of all sports fans, tired of their July and August sports news being hijacked season after season, we sincerely thank you Jenn Sterger.  You've done the impossible. You manged to get Favre to back away from the limelight.  The sports world is now a better place because of you.

PS. This blog is dedicated to AJ, one of the most devoted Favre haters of his generation. Happy Birthday AJ.