The Most Ridiculous Knock Out Barstool Material I've Ever Seen

KnockoutBarstoolSports - But here's the bigger question, why do we even have dogs at all? I took a class once called Puppies and Slavery: the Next Frontier of Equal Rights. Did you know that most people like dogs more than other people? Think about it, Ray Lewis participates in a MURDER and people are cool with it. Mike Vick fights a bunch of mutts and people rightly lose their mind. It is clear that David Portnoy is in favor of animal rape and cruelty; but what else is he in favor of? Rape? Muder? Osama Bin Laden? Yes, yes and yes. 

I'm going to stop  you right here:

I took a class once called Puppies and Slavery: the Next Frontier of Equal Rights.

I honestly have no idea if this is meant to be satire, there's  only two posts on the entire site, and while they both seem equally outrageous to me, I kinda think lunatic activists think and do things like this, so I think this could be 100% serious...

And if that's the case, well then you've got bigger problems than worrying about what's going on over at a popular sports/smut blog. Things like, "how can I productively put all these puppies and slavery analogies to good use without offending black people and minorities everywhere," or maybe some time spent google searching "puppy slavery major careers," so you can pay off whatever ludicrous degree you just paid for instead of joining those juvenile 99%er's who think life should be all gumdrops and lolli-pops, where there is no accountability or responsibility for each's own life and choices. 

Get a grip on reality, man. If this really isn't satire, do you really think you're winning any fans comparing an actual satirical sports/smut blogger and the puppy bowl to the likes of rapists, murderers, and Osama Bin Laden? I'm sure there are plenty of 9-11 families that'll readily agree with this analogy. Jokes on a website vs. 3,000 or so dead in an act of terrorism.  50/50 really.

Former CNN Exec Leaves Dog Poop In Neighbors Mailbox

First off, these guys can cut the crap about having no idea why this happened. Maybe they don't know what triggered the response on that specific day, but obviously something petty happened in the past, probably years back, that neither side can let go of. 

That's how neighborly feuds work. It's pretty much universal. Each side gripes and bitches about the other quietly, maybe you toss a snide look out of the corner of your eye at them, maybe you give the polite wave and half smile while muttering "asshole" under your breath when you see them back down the drive way, all the while biding your time, it can go on this way for years. Most of the time nothing will ever come of it, a sort of domestic Cold War if you will.  Both sides stock piling angst for one another until one party moves or dies. But sometimes, well sometimes things get nuclear and you have to stick a steaming pile of dog poo in your neighbors mailbox. Shit happens. 

I learned from the best as far as all this stuff goes. My parents have had a lonnnng standing Cold War feud with one particular neighbor. Pretty sure it started over some disagreement regarding fallen twigs or leaves or something. I can't remember exactly what it was. All I know is the neighbor continues to toss leaves he feels fell from our trees back into our yard and we continue to look out our window and wonder what kind of crazed lunatic goes through such trouble as sorting out leaves and determining their parental genesis. It's fucking nuts. It's passed the point of the friendly wave and silent asshole muttering at this point, but it hasn't gone nuclear as of yet, so at least I still have time to warn them to check for security camera's before dropping off the family dogs poop first class.

PS: There's a slight chance we could be reading way to deep into this whole thing and carrying hot poop while on your walk around the block is just icky. Maybe he planned on picking it up on his way back, only to be foiled by Suburban James Bond and his life partner in surveillance who, for some reason, video tape their mailbox on a daily basis. 

TMZ Hosts an Old Fashioned Bounce Off: Lohan Vs. Upton

You know what's crazy about this? Besides the fact that even with all the evidence we have that shows going bra-less leads to saggy bags, Lohan still decided to rock the look?

It's that Lindsay is still only 25 years old, and yet, I feel like she's already had more "comebacks" in her career than say, 75 year old Madonna. Not that I'm saying this 3 second juggling clip is a comeback, but I'm sure some rising young producer/director out there caught wind of this and was like "she's still got it!" 

If anything its definitely leading to a mediocre role in a B-movie. We'll hear how Lindsay thrived, praise her for her performance, and then look down upon her when she goes on an epic binge to celebrate her new found success. Which obviously will lead to another rehab stint, more yoga, another bouncing video, and then we'll do the whole thing over again. Its the circle of life.

PS: The narrator for TMZ...Nails on a chalkboard.

Red Sox Fans Pulse Check: More Injuries, More Wins

See Ya!...No really, see ya. Cody Ross hit the DL yesterday for 6-8 weeks with a broken bone in his foot. So R.I.P the Cody Ross bat flip. We loved it, even if you didn't.

"I'm not trying to show anybody up. It's just a reaction," he reportedly said of his trademark bat flip. "I actually don't like it. I wish I could get rid of my bat a different way, maybe like Lance Berkman, hitting it and setting it on the plate. It just happens."

I love the idea of a guy getting so jacked up after a home run that he basically blacks out for a couple seconds and acts like a complete boss. Makes my day. And frankly, I'm amazed his trip to the DL is completely unrelated to some pitcher finally plunking him. 

In other news, the sox are winners of three in a row and and 9 of 11...so they're on fire. The bats are producing, the starting pitching has righted the ship (Buchholz withstanding), and the bullpen is lights out. How long they can keep it up with five outfielders on the DL, I have no idea. It's to the point now where I'm seriously debating sending a couple of my company softball highlight reels down to Yawkey to see if I can get a spot. I can track flies with the best of them, might be a little light with the bat but my UZR is off the charts. Even if I don't make the big club they could at least stash me in Pawtucket for depth purposes.

And finally, it wouldn't be the Red Sox if there wasn't some manufactured controversy to talk about. Though this time it appears the media and ownership had nothing to do with starting it. David Ortiz took it upon himself to lace into the media yesterday over supposed questions regarding his leadership. 

Listen, maybe we don't know the whole story, maybe someone really offended D.O, or maybe it was a language barrier thing, I don't know. And honestly, I don't care. Has Ortiz gotten an un-fair shake in the past? Yea, maybe. For a guy that should be nothing short of revered around here, he may have a point. Should he act like a whiny brat, throwing temper tantrums? You know what? If that's what he wants to do, while he's batting like this and the team is winning the way they are, then sure. Throw hissy fits all you want, lash out at perceived slights (reality and non-reality alike). He's crushing the ball like 04-05 Ortiz, I'll take it however I can get it. I can dig it. Pedro pulled the same routine for years, constantly making up boogey men who were supposedly disrespecting him, even though he was widely regarded as one of the best pitchers of all time. 

If that does it, then shit, all players should go around playing the respect card, most notably Clay Buchholz...someone pass on this message to him. Hey Clay, you've really sucked lately and I don't respect you. 

That should do it.

Jose Canseco: Striking Out in Worcester, On the Field and Off

Yep, that's actually Jose Canseco's number...and I just called it. But no, he did not answer (definitely not the last time I call today). Still, it didn't go straight to voicemail, it rang a few times, so maybe he's just not up yet, or maybe he's taking some early morning batting practice...or maybe, he finally scored with some lucky Worcester waitress...

Deadspin - At the age of 47, and more than a decade removed from his career as a Major League player, Jose Canseco just won't quit trying to do what he loves the most: hitting on young women. According to a tipster, Canseco has taken a run at "about a half dozen" female employees aged 19-23 at a restaurant he's been frequenting in Worcester, Mass. At one point, Canseco even slipped the phone number you see above to a 19-year-old hostess. So has he been striking out? Says the tipster: "Not even a foul tip...just straight swinging through."

Look, I've been to Worcester a few times, and if there's one thing I know for sure, it's that Jose is not striking out. The man is built like a gorilla. He's your prototypical townie waitress one night stand material. Sure this girl might have taken a pass, but that's probably because he just got done nailing her co-worker/roommate the night before.  Keep plugging Jose, the hits will come...and answer my damn phone calls!

Official Un-Boxing of The Alt-Tab's Brand New Tailgating Grill

Some sites blog the unboxing of various gaming systems, i-phones, tablets, etc..., and some blog tailgating equipment unboxings...This is the latter. See, one thing you have to know about me is that I absolutely love tailgating. Love it. Almost love it more than the event I'm at itself (actually depending on the event there's a solid chance I actually do love the the tailgating more). If Facebook were still a site where you share you interests on your profile, instead of this smorgasbord of food pictures and timelines, my top interest would be cooking and drinking in random parking lots. That's how much I love tailgating. 

As some of you remember, my last grill was stolen by basque separatists post tailgate at an event last year, in an act of international terrorism still unrecognized by NATO. Well, it was a long fall/summer without a grill for the CW, but no more. If the Joint Chiefs won't take action on my behalf, I'll take matters in to my own hands. Yesterday, I rectified that situation. Without further ado, the unboxing:

Pic 1: The Box:

Pic 2: The Packing:

That's right, my baby got wheels, rolling on dubs. 2 inches, that is.

Pic 3: Progress:

Pic 4: The Final Product:

Flat out sexy. It was all I could do not to fire that up right in my kitchen last night. Apparently there are fire codes against that sort of thing, but still, it was tempting. She'll see her first action this Friday, sausage, dogs, burgers, can't wait!

Does this Look like Face of the Lakers GM Watching His Team Crumble in OKC?

H/T for the Gif

Yep, actually that's exactly what the face of the Lakers GM looks like while watching his team crumble in OKC. Nailed it... I mean that tight zoom was like something out of a horror movie. Just a lone suicidal man standing out like a sore thumb in an otherwise ecstatic crowd.

PS: Did this loser buy a single? What is he doing down there and why is no one with him? Don't opposing GM's get box seats somewhere up behind glass? This looks like poor old Mitch was scrambling outside trying to find a solo tick from Oklahoma scalpers. 

The Long Snapper Viral Video Everyone's Talking About

Flat out impressive. Guys want to be him, girls want to be with him...I think anyway, has being a long snapper ever gotten anyone laid before? If any long snapper was ever going to be a panty dropper its this bro. Guy must absolutely run the summer day drinking/bbq circuit, just bringing his circus act to every blockparty around, wrangling groupies and youtube hits in the thousands. 

Honest question, how did he end up at Colgate? Must be a historic long snapping power house is all I can figure, because it's unfathomable that the big time D-1's would have passed him over.  You can follow Nick on Twitter, @arealsonofadich

PS: Another honest question, am I the only one that's never heard of BB & N High school? Is that one of those fake high school prep things where the guys are like 20 years old?

NBA Stars: The Answer to "Who is Tyler Perry's Target Audience?"

That right there is some serious Tyler Perry, Madea Goes to Jail, shit (on a more serious note, it's also Russell Westbrook, you know, one half of the super star OKC Thunder duo who just knocked the Lakers out of the playoffs...keep it real OKC). 

I steadfastly maintain that I've never met anyone who willingly admits they watch any of the Tyler Perry franchises, and now I know why...I generally don't run in circles with NBA stars. It all makes sense now, the ridiculous black rim glasses, the uber-dweeb outfits, Lebron carrying man-purses...it's all the NBA copying Tyler Perry culture. 

PS: No NBA player has looked that good in drag since LJ went all Grandma-ma on us...and Yes I did have his shoes, and yes I did eventually pop the gel cases to see what was in there.