Two Week Vacation Starts Now, Will the TSA Grope Me?

Get it Bro, Get it.

Off to the airport as we speak, dreading the TSA checkpoint, but secretly hoping for a grope so I'll have some fresh blogging material.

Like I said yesterday, I'll be updating The Tab once a day or so, batch of links here and there and a post once in a while. Other than that you'll all have to fend for yourself.  If you really, really need your daily fix of CW and the links aren't doing it for your, I strongly encourage you to follow me on Twitter (@TheAltTab), if I'm not going to be posting I'll need some kind of outlet for my rants, observations and opinions, and Twitter's the likely destination.  Blog picks back up full time Aug 29th.  

Until then, enjoy working and keep on tabbing.

Man Arrested for Indecent Exposure: Couldn't Help It, He Finds Walmart Arousing

AUGUST 10--A Louisiana man arrested yesterday for driving around a Walmart parking lot with his penis exposed explained to cops that “he gets aroused” when visiting the retail giant, according to a police report. Keen, pictured in the mug shot at right, was collared after a witness reported to police that a man driving a Ford Taurus drove past him “with his penis exposed.” The witness, who tailed the Ford as it drove around a Walmart parking lot in Monroe, told cops that when the suspect “saw a female in the parking lot he would stop and watch them.” When Officer Colby Spillers confronted him, Keen reportedly “stated he did have his penis out because of past experiences he had at Wal-Mart. Keen stated when he comes to Wal-Mart he gets aroused.” Thankfully, Keen did not further detail what it was about the retailer that so turned him on.

Lock this man up and throw away the key. Not kidding when I say he might be the most dangerous man in America right now. Any bro in their right mind goes borderline inverted when they cross the threshold into a Walmart parking lot, not Travis Keen, dude goes from 6 to midnight and can't even contain himself.

I could see if this was taking place at like, Whole Foods, or some upscale store like Lord & Taylor, but Walmart? What exactly turned you on? The women cramming so much body mass into overworked stretch pants to the point where she looks like a lumpy sausage? Gross.  Anyone seriously aroused enough to patrol the Walmart parking lot whipping out his dong has some serious mental issues and is a gigantic threat to society, so like I said, lock him up and throw away the key.

TBS Cancels Lopez Tonight, Puts Us All Out of Our Misery

Fox News - Following news that the ratings starved “Lopez Tonight” helmed by comedian George Lopez was given the ax on Wednesday, staffers at TBS’s other nightly talk show, “Conan,” starring Conan O’Brien, couldn’t help but wonder if they were next. TBS vehemently shot down the idea that “Conan” would be next to go, saying that any cancellation rumors were not true, and that O'Brien’s ratings were not similar to those experienced by Lopez's show...Adgate noted that the TBS late night space is a grave yard for failed comic variety fare, citing comedian Frank Caliendo’s "Frank TV," which gave late night comedy a try on the network from 2007 to 2009 before facing cancellation...

What was going to be the blog equivalent of dancing on George Lopez's grave just got thrown a gigantic curveball in that last sentence.  

This media analyst bro, Brad Adgate, has got it all backwards, TBS late night isn't a blackhole, the acts that they're hiring are...You could have thrown Frank Caliendo and George Lopez on NBC, set them back in a time where there were like 8 channels and you had to get up to change the dial on the TV, and I'd still say those two suck.  They suck. They're not funny in the least....We get it Frank, you're good at impressions, but a show based on impressions and one guy playing 8 characters is a terrible idea. Never should have been greenlit.  Leave the shows where one person plays an entire cast to black people, they're the only ones who seem to master it (looking at you Eddie Murphy and Martin Lawrence).  And George Lopez...the next time he says anything funny is the first. Sorry, he's just loud and obnoxious and latin...if that was the only pre-req to a late night show the neighbors behind me would have their own TBS special as well.

In sum, don't blame TBS, blame the talent they keep putting on air, I mean what's next? Another Carlos Mencia variety show?

Let's Hope My Flight Today Goes a Bit Better Than Yesterday's Flight From Hell

What kinda swag are you looking at when you complain about your daughter being pissed on mid-flight?

Fox News - Chaos erupted on a JetBlue red-eye flight from Portland, Ore., to New York's John F. Kennedy Airport when a drunk man allegedly urinated on a sleeping 11-year-old girl, the New York Post reports. The youngster was traveling with her sister and father on the flight Wednesday, and had been left alone for a few minutes while the others used the lavatories. Robert Vietze, 18, of South Warren, Vt., stumbled from his seat five rows behind her and emptied his bladder, a witness said. "I was drunk, and I did not realize I was p***ing on her leg," Vietze said, according to law-enforcement sources. He later claimed to have consumed eight alcoholic beverages. The girl's father caught Vietze midstream. "I woke up to this man yelling and literally looking like he was about to punch [Vietze] in the face," said the witness, who asked not to be identified. Flight attendants separated the pair and moved Vietze to the back of the plane. They attempted to clean up the mess with liquid soap from the bathrooms, and helped to comfort the traumatized girl. But the five-and-a-half hour flight from hell was not over yet. Roughly an hour before the plane landed, another passenger began to complain of chest pains, then vomited. "Is anybody on this flight a nurse or a doctor?" the pilot said over the public-address system. "We have a medical emergency." With no volunteers, the flight crew kept the man calm and tried to tidy him up, again raiding the liquid-soap container.

Good news is, this can't possibly happen two days in a row, right? So my trip should be relatively uneventful.

First of all, what's with the flight crew pretending like liquid hand sanitizer is some kinda magic 'Tussin, wiping that shit all over the place, piss stains, vomit stains, heart attack victims, I don't get it...Like the girl's traumatized, take it easy with the frigen soap and help calm her down. This article makes it sound like all the problems in the world will be solved with a little liquid soap, meanwhile that guy probably died a couple hours later because all they gave him was some Purell.

Second of all, how awkward of a situation are we talking about at the baggage claim carousel for this flight?  Robert Vietze, the drunk bro just waiting for his bags while this girls Dad is just straight fuming, standing like two inches away giving him the death stare, Drunky-Mcgee trying his hardest to pretend he doesn't see him.  I'd have paid upwards of $20 to watch that situation play out.

Former Inmates Sneaking Back Into Prison

SACRAMENTO, Calif. – An ex-inmate was arrested at California's New Folsom Prison after he was caught sneaking back onto the prison grounds nearly two years after his release. Marvin Lane Ussery, 48, was paroled in 2009 after serving time for a robbery charge at the prison in Sacramento, Calif., Fox40.com reports. Ussery reportedly returned to the prison grounds some time overnight Wednesday, and officers spotted him using thermal imaging equipment. Officials aren't sure why Ussery returned to the prison.

Red: These walls are funny. First you hate 'em, then you get used to 'em. Enough time passes, you get so you depend on them. That's institutionalized.

Heywood: Shit. I could never get like that.

Prisoner: Oh yeah? Say that when you been here as long as Brooks has.

Red: Goddamn right. They send you here for life, and that's exactly what they take. The part that counts, anyway. 

Prison officials don't know why inmates are sneaking back into prison? They've never seen Shawshank? Faced with the comforts and familiarity in prison, or, an economic disaster, unemployment up the ass, natural disasters every 3 fucking weeks, and no good day time TV since Oprah left, what would you choose.  For sure you'd take those prison walls...3 square a day, quality hang time with the bros, and a free gym, and all the Obamacare you can get. 

Institutionalized indeed.

Verizon Picketers Are Really Starting To Piss People Off

Boston Globe - As 6,000 Verizon employees strike across Massachusetts this week, some Waltham business workers are complaining that the demonstrations are causing traffic delays in an already congested area of town. Verizon Laboratories, which has two locations near Winter Street in Waltham, has hosted approximately 35 picketers between the two buildings since Monday, according to Waltham Police Chief Thomas LaCroix.Donna Zacharewicz, a Gardner resident who commutes every day to Waltham, said she takes the 128 Business Council shuttle to the commuter station after work, but has been missing the train’s strict arrival time. “If I miss my train then I miss my last bus and have to take a cab, which is $30 a night - an extra $150 week I can't afford,” Zacharewicz said. “The shuttle I take has no Verizon employees, the bus doesn’t go to Verizon, it has nothing to do with Verizon, so why are they making their problems our problems?” “They’re striking for $100 per month on healthcare costs, but it’s okay for me to spend an extra $150 per week to commute?” she said. “They’re not protesting in a positive way. If they want to make their concerns heard, they need to do it in a more positive way than spreading misery. They’re just making people around them mad.”

Preach Donna Zacharewicz, Preach!  First it was the threats of sabotage and cutting phone lines, now it's screwing with people's commutes? Not cool Verizon Union, not cool.

You want to go ahead and be miserable and quasi-unemployed for a few weeks, by all means, that's your perrogative, but don't drag the rest of us into it...the rest of us have normal jobs, don't depend on contracts, and aren't out their making employment demands for entitlements during the absolute worst jobs situation in a century, just glad to be working. Go nuts if you guys want to, just leave us the fuck out. 

I don't give a shit about your contract, you're not some poor mill worker in the early 19th century, what the hell do you even have a union for? Do ATT workers? Or Sprint?  Seems to me Verizon is the only major telecom company I've heard of going on strike, which begs the question, why on earth would even want to work in a union?  This is two strikes in the last 2-3 years.  That's weeks worth of no paychecks that you'll never get back, I mean, are you really thinking this through?