A Few Things from the Mind of CW

A few thoughts over the past couple of weeks that may not have been blog worthy on their own, but compiled together give you a nice insight to the inner thoughts and workings of CW's mind:

1. GCB stands for? Good Christian Bitches...it's like ABC didn't realize they should clarify that for everyone...I spent a solid month watching commercials having no idea what it meant, had to google it myself. Finally a few days ago they started hinting at it in their promo's. Too late ABC, I already hated it by that point.

2. I still have no idea what a "Skrillex" is. I see it (him? her? cyborg?) referred to everywhere now and I have no idea what anyone is talking about. I'm officially that old person who can't keep up. It happened a lot quicker than I thought it would.

3. I don't know what Downtun Abbey is, for that matter either. I mean, I know it was a tv show on PBS or WGBH or something that was all the rage, bloggers and writers everywhere salivating telling me how good it was/is. It got to the point where Dr. Jack ( our resident TV guru) was dispatched to watch and write a blog, lest we be scorned by the blogging community, and he couldn't do it. Wrote back saying he watched a couple episodes and couldn't get into it...What gives, blogging community? What gives?

4. The River is infinitely greater than Alcatraz, it's not even close. I've gotten into both of the much hyped shows that we were bombarded with promo's for during the NFL playoffs, Alcatraz sucks (it's just the fat guy from Lost instantly recalling old facts from crimes committed long before he was born and his blonde side kick who can't act arresting said perpetrators, who happen to have time warped or something from 1963. And that's the plot line FOR EVERY EPISODE. They don't waiver at all).  The River meanwhile, is riveting and feels fresh, with a couple of mildly compelling characters and a fascinating underlying storyline. "Hey Thanks CW for doing my job." You're welcome, Dr. Jack.

5. I hate everything about Lebron James and I'm pretty sure you can make a compelling case that the rise of his career is in direct relation to the downfall of the US economy, check out this homemade graph I've concocted to prove my point.

Pretty compelling evidence, no?

And Now to a few Observations from Television Watching:

A. People have way too much time on their hands in TV land. All these friends just hanging out in diners, coffee shops, bars conveniently located below their awesome apartment, wherever. Point is, how the hell do all these people have time to hang out so often that it's somehow the entire plot line for a television series? Did they find an alternate universe where jobs only require you to work 15-20 hours a week but you're still able to support yourself and the lifestyle you've become accustomed to? It gets me depressed. You know what I do with my spare time during the week? I come home, make dinner, watch tv, browse the net for a little bit, and go to bed. I'm certainly not meeting up with the gang 4 nights a week for a few casual drinks and high fives. 

B. If one more character references speed dial on their cell phone, I'm going to lose it. Who are these writers in Hollywood that are still programming their mom's home number as number one in their I-Phones...PEOPLE DON'T USE SPEED DIAL ANYMORE. You scroll through contacts or recent calls and hit send. That's it. I call a rotation of like 3 people a month,  the chinese restaurant I like, the pizza shop I like, and my fiancee to see if she wants Chinese or Pizza for dinner. That's it. I'm not assigning speed dials and neither is anyone else. 

C. And another thing, twice in the last year I've seen a character on TV send someone to the fridge to grab batteries...Is TV land set in 1992 where people are still tossing alkaline batteries into the fridge to save the last ounces of life in them? It's 2012, we have lithium these days people, wake up. 

D. I've been second hand watching the Bachelor for the past couple of a seasons (cue the "oh, that's gay, e-mails I'm going to get today). What's second hand watching you ask? I'll tell you. It's when your girlfriend/significant other/wife/fiancee watches a show you have zero interest in watching yourself but can't really argue about because you just watched 9 hours of football the previous day, so you go along with it, maybe you browse the net, read a magazine, pay bills, blog a little, but all along you know exactly whats going on in the show...Anyway. A couple of observations for Bachelor or Bachelorette hopefuls; If you go to a therapist or have gone to a therapist to work out intimacy issues, you stand a 90% chance of being selected for the show. Apparently chicks and tv producers eat that shit up. If you're prone to saying things like "I see myself with her," or, "My Journey," or, "I just really hope they'll open up to me," you just jumped into the 99th percentile of Bachelor candidates. Guys with TV aspirations take note, it's that simple. 

E. That said, Tuesday morning has become my favorite internet reading morning because of this blog. I mean, if I'm going to Second Hand Watch the show I might as well find some similarly minded snarky commentary, right?

F. The Oscars were last week, and I'm pretty sure they got almost everything wrong. It got me thinking, and spawned what I think is a great idea. The Oscars shouldn't be judged a mere few months after the movies have been released. Movies need time to age, the need time to linger, the need time to figure out if they're memorable, and if performances were lasting. Five years from now no one that's not a dickhead art house fan is going to fondly remember The Artist, sorry, they're just not. And with that being the case, it shouldn't have won the Oscar this year. I think Oscars should be voted on after a five year waiting period, similar to various sports Hall of Fame criteria, and it's an idea I fully plan on launching in the next few weeks (unless I get sidetracked).

My Job is Actually Killing Me, And Here's Proof

My office might as well be gutting me like a stuck pig, just a bleak and dreary picture for my life to come. Like that stat about obese people sitting for 2.5 hours per day? I've sat 2.5 hours by about 11 AM most days...I still have seven or so hours of work left in the day, not to mention that when I come home, I'm sitting down again (actually most of the time I'm lounging, I don't know if that counts, I've been told having my feet up is good for circulation, so I feel like I'm doing something, ya know). Last night I came home from work, sat at my desk chair, plowed through a Five Guys Burger and bag of fries and blogged...All told I probably spent 8 hours sitting yesterday. 

Top it all off, every hour of TV I work after work is apparently cutting 11% off my life...which should mean that I'll be dying...tomorrow? Welp, if this is it, farewell dear readers, it's been real.

Sri Lanakan Man Dies Attempting Record for Longest Time Buried Alive...Friend: "I told you so."

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka (AP) - Sri Lankan police say a man has died while trying to set a world record for the longest time spent buried alive. Police say the 24-year-old man (Janaka Basnayake) buried himself Saturday morning with the help of family and friends in a trench sealed with wood and soil. A local newspaper says the trench was 10 feet deep. Police say when the man was brought to the surface 7 1/2 hours later, he was unconscious and taken to a hospital, where he was pronounced dead on arrival. It's unclear whether there is an official world record for the longest time buried alive.

You just know that one of his friends was standing there when they brought this idiot back up and was like, "I told you so." And THAT...was the greatest "I told you so," of all time. It doesn't get much more truthier than that. I picture Janaka Basnayake and his homeboy playing PS3 or something in his parents basement, coming up with some cockamamie idea for getting into the record books, and homeboy saying "no way man, you'd be dead."  Prophetic. 

And it narrowly edges this little diddy of a "I Told You So" way back when CW was just a little sophmore in high school. It was like 10 minutes before classes start, everyone in the hallways at their lockers chatting it up and I hear this:

Older Girl I Didn't Know, One: "You guys, I just founded out that I'm pregnant."

Older (and much sassier) Girl I Didn't Know, Two: " I TOLD YOU SO...you're over here try'na tell me you safe, you safe, nothings gonna happen, I TOL' YOU SO!

For the record, those capitalized letters aren't for effect, she really did yell it out...I heard the whole thing because I was just a couple lockers down, but pretty much the whole hallway could guess what she was going off about once she started whooping it up. 

And that was the reigning champ, until today, when I completely fabricated the words of Janaka Basnayake's buddy.

For the Love of God Just Let Rondo Stay and Play in Peace

Boston.com - Rondomania in overtime. Rajon Rondo had his second triple-double in three games, finishing with 18 points, 20 assists and a career-high 17 rebounds, the Celtics ruined Harvard grad Jeremy Lin’s return to Boston with a 115-111 victory over the New York Knicks on Sunday. Rondo played a part in every Celtics point in overtime, collecting five points, five rebounds and two assists in the extra period.  It was Rondo’s fourth triple-double this season and the 17th of his career. According to the Elias Sports Bureau, the last player to record a triple-double with at least 17 in each category was Magic Johnson, who had 24 points, 17 assists and 17 rebounds on April 18, 1989. The last player to exceed Rondo’s performance in each category was Wilt Chamberlain, who had 22 points, 25 rebounds and 21 assists on Feb. 2, 1968.

This is the guy the Celts brain trust is threatening to trade everytime Danny Ainge has an irregular bowel movement. Perhaps the most unique player in the league today. 

A guy that fills the stat sheet, free throw and outside side shooting aside. I mean, is that what he's being punished for? Because his jumpshot is a bit weak?  

A guy that makes everyone else around him better. Yea never going to carry a team by himself night in, night out, but few players are, ask Paul Pierce how the first 2/3rds of his career worked out.

A guy who has never backed down from the big games, who relishes prime time match ups, and a guy who's level of play has risen each time the playoffs come around? Why? Because he's a bit moody, a bit pissed off when things aren't going well? God forbid a guy gives a shit and shows emotion when things aren't going quite right, or gets pissed off, rightly so, when a key member of the team's core is shipped out of town in a panic move that made zero basketball sense at the time and looks even worse now.  

Or maybe he's always pissed off because since day one of the Big 3 era he's been questioned. 

Could he handle running a team with 3 surefire HOF'ers? Yep. Didn't matter, he'd still be the subject of trade rumors.  

Could he handle a full seasons load with nothing resembling a comptent backup? Yep. Didn't matter, he'd still be the subject of trade rumors.

Could he raise his game as the skills of the teams' aging stars declined? Yep. Doesn't matter, he's still the subject of trade rumors. 

Fact is this team needs Rondo. Now and going forward. Mind you, I say this with in reason. No one is ever untouchable, and if some GM comes reaching out with (forgive my Simmons' speak) a "god father" offer, you take it. But what you don't do is dangle your teams precocious, and most irreplaceable star over and over again, and expect him to be cool with everything.  

This is the guy you build around, this is the only guy you've got that you can build around. KG and Allen are done after this year, and a large part of me hopes both of them just ride off into the sunset. I'd take them back, but not for anything near what they're making now. The Celtics need that cash to start over and find the next wave of all-stars. KG, making $21 million this year, should be looking at a 50% pay cut for a two year extension. Allen, making $10 million, should prepare himself for something around $2-4 mill, tops. They're great complimentary players at this point in their careers, and capable of bringing it every few nights, but they're not winning any championships as a teams focal point. 

That money Ray and KG been so accustomed to collecting will be much better served chasing Dwight Howard...and if you want any chance of landing Dwight, a player of Rondo's youth and skill level on the roster is a must, unless Dwight is looking up and down the Celts lineup without Rondo and salivating about how they're going to own the 40+ league over at Basketball City. 

And in truth, Dwight, Rondo, and two years of Pierce guarantees Dwight as much of a chance as winning as any other destination does (assuming that is what he's interested in). And if Ray and KG come back for two years on the cheap, well now you're looking at the prohibitive favorites for '12'13, and '13-'14 seasons. Beyond 2014 you'll have two stars left, still very much in their prime, and BUCKETS of cash on hand. And you know who's available that year? Lebron James is (that really pains me, but there is no denying his talent). Dwayne Wade is. Chris Bosh is (gross, I know). Carmelo Anthony is. Blake Griffin is. That's a nice pool of stars, not to mention other young players that may develop and hit free agency by then.

Is it a bit of a pipe dream? Absolutely, but it's a winning pipe dream. And it's a much better plan than trading your most marketable free agent bait, watching your old timers flounder for a season or two more with no youth injection, and then spending the next decade languishing in the lottery hoping to get lucky and hit on one of the handful of players that come along every three or four years that change the path of your franchise. That idea sucks, and it's not what Boston Basketball should be about. 

If there's a bottom line to this long and rambling Celtics post that started out as an ode to Rondo, it's this: Rondo is absolutely vital to the Celtics not sucking for years to come after this season.  If we're not talking about an equally young, equally talented player, lets not talk at all. The road gets pretty murky for the Celts after this season but Rondo offers a chance to bridge today's success to tomorrow. I just hope Danny Ainge wakes up and sees that.

Ever Wanted to Move into Ikea? Now You Can, Sort Of.

Time - Have you ever spent a Saturday afternoon strolling through Ikea, thinking, If only I could live at this magical place? The Swedish company hasn’t begun renting its showrooms just yet, but it has partnered with Oregon architectural firm Ideabox to launch a line of prefabricated homes. Dubbed “aktiv,” the one-bedroom home will be decked out entirely in hip Ikea decor. Expected to sell at $86,500, the home is Swedish-inspired and “full of personality,” according to Ideabox.

OH MY GOD! And I have a $50 Ikea gift card lying around somewhere too! Jackpot, telling my fiancee as soon as she gets home that we're moving into an Ikea, and without even hint of irony. 

"Have you ever spent a Saturday afternoon strolling through Ikea, thinking, If only I could live at this magical place?"  

Have I ever?! That's all I do at Ikea. I mean, I buy like, a cup, and maybe some small ergonomic lamp too, but mostly I spend so much time dreaming of what it would be like to live there that I get too overwhelmed and never end up getting anything that I actually need. This solves that problem right quick.  

And only for $86,450 (after my gift card, obvi), my god it's a steal, I'll probably get two and just keep the extra one un-assembled in a closet in the back somewhere, you know, just in case we eventually outgrow our super-hipster abode.

My only hesitation would be that I'd need to be assured that this thing comes with more than just an allen wrench and one of those bolt turning doo-hickey's with the hole on one end. Those are all well and fine for assembling beds and book cases but I'm not too keen on the idea of my self-assembled roof making it through a storm fashioned together entirely by tools that would be approved for flight by the TSA.