New Japanese Method for the 110 Meter Hurdles

How come every Japanese game show just ends up looking like one side of a "Would You Rather" scenario? Like would it shock you at all if the question was, Would You Rather: Ride a bike with the seat jammed up your ass covered in jalapenos, OR, have some kinky Japanese guy power spray your bare ass with chili sauce and then go run some hurdles?

Honestly, tell me that's not what happened here. 

Town In Norway Set to Open Mystery Box from 1912

Fox News - Residents of a town in central Norway are eager to learn what's inside a mysterious package sealed since 1912. The nearly seven-pound package was left behind by Sel's former mayor Johan Nygaard with the disclaimer that the parcel "be opened in 2012," the Local reports. The town plans to open the sealed and bound package on Friday. It has survived two world wars and reportedly was almost thrown out twice during clear-out operations through the decades. Mayor Nygaard kept the package himself until the 1920s, when he reportedly transferred it to council authorities for safe-keeping. It is now held at the Gudbrandsdal Museum. "It's going to be incredibly exciting," museum worker Kjell Voldheim told newspaper VG. "We have fantasized a lot about what it might contain."




I'll tell you this much, Brad Pitt's was probably a lot more exciting that what they're going to find in this old 1912 box.

You wanna know what's in the box, Kjell? A bunch of old junk, that's what. It's not like they had cool shit back in 1912. You're going to find some old yellow news paper clippings, couple photos, a velveteen rabbit stuffed with hay, shit like that. It's not like you're going to open it up and find an Xbox in there. You know what the big new thing was back in 1912? Light bulbs. You'll probably find some primative looking light bulb. Unless there's some valuable old piece of junk in there that you can turn around for a profit on the Antiques Road Show, you're probably all going to be disappointed.

It's all going to be stuff that could have just as easily been preserved in a glass case in Town Hall for all to see, probably would have helped the stuff age better. I can't imagine 100 years in a card board box taped shut is good for the aging process for anything. Plus little old Grandma's of Norway wouldn't have gone to their graves wondering what the hell was in the box.

Hey Brad - It's your wife's head.

Good for Lance Armstrong

ESPN - Armstrong, who retired last year, declined to enter USADA's arbitration process -- his last option -- because he said he was weary of fighting accusations that have dogged him for years. He consistently has pointed to the hundreds of drug tests that he has passed as proof of his innocence during his extraordinary run of Tour titles from 1999-2005. "There comes a point in every man's life when he has to say, 'Enough is enough.' For me, that time is now," Armstrong said in a statement sent to The Associated Press. He called the USADA investigation an "unconstitutional witch hunt." "I have been dealing with claims that I cheated and had an unfair advantage in winning my seven Tours since 1999," he said. "The toll this has taken on my family and my work for our foundation and on me leads me to where I am today -- finished with this nonsense." USADA reacted quickly and treated Armstrong's decision as an admission of guilt, hanging the label of drug cheat on an athlete who was a hero to thousands for overcoming life-threatening testicular cancer and for his foundation's support for cancer research...The International Cycling Union on Friday said it will wait for the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency to explain why Lance Armstrong should lose his unprecedented seven Tour de France titles before commenting on the case..."USADA cannot assert control of a professional international sport and attempt to strip my seven Tour de France titles," he said. "I know who won those seven Tours, my teammates know who won those seven Tours, and everyone I competed against knows who won those seven Tours."

You know what? Good for Lance Armstrong. He's absolutely right. Enough is enough. This isn't about public opinion anymore, that's already been decided. Most people are either suspicious of him or they aren't at this point, no ruling from some Draconian drug panel is going to change anyone's mind one way or the other at this point.

And as for that panel, the USADA, where is the smoking gun? Huh? It's been well over a decade of this shit. If he's been allegedly doping since 1996 where is the "in your face, no denying this, we've got you and it's all over," piece of evidence? Talk all you want about testimony from shady individuals with suspect motives, release vague statements about tests consistent with doping...fact is this is a guy who's probably been tested for performance enhancing drugs more than anyone on earth, and you never bagged him. He's either clean and you can't accept it, or he's that much smarter than you.

Either way, let it go. If you had iron clad evidence you would have come out with it, but you didn't. It's over.

Human Immortality by 2045? Looks Like I Just Won A Bet

CBC - If Dmitry Itskov's 2045 initiative plays out as planned, humans will have the option of living forever with the help of machines in only 33 years. It may sound ridiculous, but the 31-year-old Russian mogul is dead serious about neuroscience, android robotics, and cybernetic immortality...He has already pulled together a team of leading Russian scientists intent on creating fully functional holographic human avatars that house artificial brains which contain a person's complete consciousness - in other words, a humanoid robot. Together, they've laid out an ambitious course of action that would see the team transplant a human brain into an artificial body (or 'avatar') in as little as seven years time.

So do I collect from good friend @Mazz33 now, or do I still have to wait?

A quick background refresher for everyone, The Maestro and I have a standing bet based on the not-so outrageous claim that I'm going to live until I'm at least 136. 

So now that we know immortality is within reach and we'll both be living well beyond 136 years old, the question becomes not how am I going to be able to collect payment, but when do I collect? In my mind this is like cashing in early on a futures bet. If you take the over on some football team's win total for the season and they clear it in week 10, they don't make you wait until the seasons over to collect. You've won your bet, you get paid. I'm personally of the belief that the same should apply here. I'm clearly not going to kick the bucket anytime this millennium, and as such I feel as though I'm entitled to my winnings.

Your move Maestro. 

Korean Rapper's Horse Dance is Complete Fraud

First off, for regular followers, I'll be back full time either tomorrow or Thursday, took a hiatus for real work, then took a vacation, and frankly then I just got lazy for a week or so. But I'm back and ready to go. Secondly, let's not toss all the credit to this Korean Rapper for this Horse Dance...I'm pretty sure if we could dig up archival video footage from Sissy K's or Ned Devines circa 2004-06 you'd see a young CW throwing down with those moves...in fact, the horse move is basically all I've got. Didn't matter the beat, style of music, nothing. Castles in the Sky? Horse Dance. Apache by the Sugar Hill Gang? Horse Dance like you wouldn't believe. Summer of 69? Absolutely, Horse Dance. Only difference was the crowd. Instead of a bunch of South Korean dorks applauding me there were a bunch of Faneuil Hall Juice monkeys either laughing or paying no attention whatsoever.

I'm Not Saying this Asian Woman Attempting to Parallel Park Confirms Stereotypes...

...But hand her a new digital camera that she's never seen before and she'll be taking museum quality HDR shots in 30 seconds...ask her to use her side mirrors to park on a completely empty stretch of road and she brings shame upon her family name.

The Sad State of US Badminton

Am I crazy for thinking that with a few months of perparation, maybe I go back to my old high school and practice against the jocks in gym class a few times, that this event is well within my range for Rio 2016?

I mean, it's inexplicable to me that the US could literally go winless in the opening round of this event. I can't be the only one whose sole focus in gym class on Badminton days was trying to get a shutout, am I? Or the only one who had all out battle royals on the front lawn with cousins and family members during summer cookouts? Was anyone else doing that? Or is my family descended from some kind of secret Badminton Royalty?

At any rate, I could at least do better than this fail: