Chelsea, MA Planning to Kick out Arrested Illegal Immigrants, Good News for Market Basket Shoppers

CHELSEA, Mass.—State officials are holding a Boston-area meeting with immigrant advocates to discuss a federal program that checks the immigration status of people who are arrested.The meeting on the "Secure Communities" program is planned Thursday night in Chelsea. Gov. Deval Patrick asked state officials to hold meetings on the program after facing criticism from the advocates over his plans to join the federal program. The Immigration and Customs Enforcement program allows fingerprints of those arrested to be checked against FBI criminal history records and biometrics-based immigration records kept by the Department of Homeland Security. Tea party members who support the federal program have said they'd also attend the Chelsea meeting.

Great news for those of you who love shopping at the Chelsea Market Basket for their low prices but hate feeling like you've walked into the Guatemalan Consulate.  The aisles should soon be emptier and more civilized once this program gets under way. 

Me and the GF head over there every now and then when we don't feel like paying Stop & Shop's price gouging fees, but we avoid it as much as possible.  It's like a gigantic bodega on the weekend.  Just entire extended families out for a fun day at the supermarket.  No rules, people just running mad, cutting eachother off and yelling in tongues.  Children playing in the aisles like they're playing stickball back in the alleys of their native countries.  It's amazing I've made it out of there without an assault charge on my record at this point.

So count this as probably the one time I'll ever be on the Tea Party's side.  If they can clean up Market Basket and make it a more pleasant place to shop, they'll have my support.

Daughter and Niece Of Canadian Politicians Trying out for Lingerie Football League

TORONTO - Krista Ford — the athletic, football-loving daughter of city councillor Doug Ford, and niece of mayor Rob — is trying out for Toronto’s new lingerie football team.  Krista, 20, posted on her Twitter page on Monday that there were only “6 days ‘till (Lingerie Football League) tryouts. Training hard!” The LFL, which brands itself as “true fantasy football,” currently has 10 U.S. teams with names such as the Philadelphia Passion and the Orlando Fantasy. It’s game is based on attractive, athletic women playing full-contact football while scantily dressed in bras and panties.  When asked if he was uncomfortable with his daughter running around a sports field with next to nothing on, Councillor Doug Ford said he wanted to be a supportive father.And besides, he said, women can be seen playing sports while in bikinis on Toronto beaches all through the summer.“She’s a football fanatic. She said, ‘dad, I want to play,’ and the natural instinct for a dad is ‘You’re not going to be running around in lingerie’ ... but then I thought what the heck.” Mayor Rob Ford, who longs to bring an NFL team to the city, has thrown his support behind Krista. “The mayor certainly supports his niece in any endeavour,” said Ford spokesman Adrienne Batra. “She’s very athletic ... and this is something that interests her, so he wishes her the best.”

Of course they support her, just in time for election season, right guys? What better way to capture the average males attention than by proliferating some sweet lingerie football shots of your young vixen of a daughter/niece.

The father is playing this situation like a fiddle.  that line about "woman can be seen playing sports while in bikinis on Toronto beaches all through the summer" just about wrapped up the male vote (and the hot girls that vote, but there's not enough of them to be significant).   Mark my words this guy will be the future Canadian president or prime minister, whatever they do up there.  You can dump garbage in my country any day if these are the kind of policy goals you plan on pursuing.  Bikini's, football, lingerie and beaches.  Canada just revolutionized the politics game.

Great News: Walmart is Bringing Back Guns! (End Sarcasm)

Definitely owns a Walmart Rewards Card

(NewsCore) - Walmart is bringing back rifles and shotguns to about 500 US stores, mostly in rural areas, to broaden product assortment as part of an attempt to make its outlets one-stop shopping destinations, MarketWatch reported Thursday.

I guess because there aren't enough uneducated people armed with guns in America? That's the though process here? Or because the poor people who shop at Walmart don't have better things to spend their money on like clothes and food, or maybe a book to snap their family cycle of redneckedness?

Walmart should just change their slogan at this point from "Everyday Low Prices" to "Arming America's Backwoods Revolution, One Redneck at a Time." 

Seriously, I was mildly afraid to go to Walmart before, but ultimately didn't mind for the people watching, no chance in hell I go there now.  Not knowing a bunch of middle school drop outs and illegal immigrants can just go pick up their riflery and hand gun needs while purchasing tooth paste and children's clothing.  Recipe for disaster.

Flower Girl is Not Happy at the Royal Wedding

Always a Bridesmaid, Never the Bride, am I right?

Hire a Personal Ninja for Just $5

Kens5 - "Now I am here to sell you this gig where I will put together a cool, awesome ninja video just for you!" claims the out-of-work ninja named Ryou Sigara. He's also known as username NitroHotFire and is really just trying to earn a buck -- or five -- with his fancy sword and bow work. He's just one of thousands of fiverr.com users who are marketing their skills for the bargain price of five dollars. "Yeah, actually, I've been unemployed for a while now," claims Sigara. "And I thought about going into retirement but I think its about time for me to get back out there. So I thought fiverr would be a good place to start."

"Girls only want guys who have skills. Computer hacking skills, numchuck skills, bow staff skills." - Napoleon Dynamite.

Hard to believe this guy is unemployed with expert level technique like that, just seems like there'd be a bigger market for ninja related tasks these days.  I can think of at least a handful of times a day that my life would be easier if I could afford to higher a personal ninja to just take care of shit for me.  Sadly, bow staff skills don't come cheap and you guys don't support my advertisers nearly enough (or buy over priced t-shirts, but that's another story).  

Stay strong warrior brother, your day will come...and if you're reading this I'll pay you $2 per exclusive video, bow staff only though.  Swords are way too mainstream these days.

Man Absolutely Dominates Pussy Moose

Manliest man alive. Plain and simple.  I'd probably do him, or at least give him a tug, not ashamed in the least of saying that.  This girl probably jumped him soon as they hopped in their pickup truck, couldn't even contain herself.

That was easily the biggest show of bravery in like 600 years, or since whenever we stopped going to war with swords and shields and shit like a bunch of savages.  People realize that's a twig he's holding right? Not some shotgun or metal pole.  That's a 1 ton moose charging straight at him looking to stomp his lights out, Thor the moose tamer didn't even flinch.  CW flinches when he sees a stray cat look his direction. Mangy pests.

Canada Using America As Their Own Personal Trash Can

Empty Maple Syrup Bottles As Far as the Eye Can See

Fox News - Lady Liberty welcomes your tired, poor and huddled masses. She says nothing of soiled diapers, pizza boxes and Labatt Blue bottles. Yet Michigan lawmakers are concerned Canada is treating their state as its personal waste heap, with dump trucks crossing the border from Ontario to take advantage of Michigan's bargain-rate landfills. In hopes of discouraging the trek, they're introducing legislation in Congress that would charge the Canadians exorbitant fees for bringing their garbage stateside. Canadian truck drivers currently pay just $5 at the border to bring their trash to Michigan, and most of them are not screened, according to Stabenow's office. The proposed law would raise that border fee to $500. The money would go toward inspections by U.S. Border Patrol. Drivers would have to provide U.S. customs officials with the details of their shipments or face a $10,000 fine. Part of the concern is security. A 2006 report from the Department of Homeland Security inspector general showed Canadian trash trucks were found to be carrying in "medical waste, illegal drugs and illegal currency."

Frigen Canada, pretending to be a green, nature loving country for years and years before it became the hipster thing to be.  Living off their high falluting reputation as a conscientious country, that is soooo Canada.  All bullshit.  

Well no more.  We will not allow you to sneak all your shit and garbage over our borders and into our pristine dumps any longer. Take one last look at your precious great white north wilderness, and tell your natives to get ready to shed a tear. You want a war of garbage you got it.  We're the most wasteful people on earth, this is one arena you did not want to mess with us on.  

By the way, this whole mess can be avoided if you agree to just take Michigan from us.  Spare us that disaster of an economy and you can dump there all you want.

Dr. Jack's 69 Quote Salute to Michael Scott

"Ok, yeah. Well this is gonna hurt like a motherfucker"

Tonight we will say goodbye to Michael Scott as Branch Manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton. The identity of his permanent replacement is still unknown (my bet is Will Arnett) but now is not a time to think about the future. Instead we should celebrate the past seven seasons we've gotten to enjoy Steve Carell's performance on a weekly basis. To help us remember the best times, and to cope with the withdrawal his upcoming absence will create, I present to you in six different categories, 69 Michael Scott quotes. (And I know Dunder Mifflin employee Kevin would love the number I chose.)

WORK
Michael's job was the biggest part of his life and he tended to overestimate the importance of his position:

"I guess the atmosphere that I've tried to create here is that I'm a friend first and a boss second and probably an entertainer third."

"Yes, I've heard 'women and children first', but we do not employ children. We are not a sweatshop, thankfully. And women are equal in the workplace, by law, so if I let them out first...I’d have a lawsuit on my hands."

"I did not go to business school. You know who else didn't go to business school? LeBron James, Tracy McGrady, Kobe Bryant. They went right from high school to the NBA so..."

"Do I want to be feared or loved? Um... easy, both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me."

"Business is always personal. It's the most personal thing in the world."

"Jim, if this is it for me promise me something... host the dundies."

"Granted, maybe this was not the best idea, but, at least we care enough about our employees that we are willing to fight for them. And if you much as harm a hair on Stanley's head, we will burn Utica to the ground."

"I color code all my info. I wrote gay son in green. Green means go. So I know to go ahead and shut up about it. Orange, means orange you glad you didn't bring it up. Most colors mean don't say it."

RACE  

While I think Michael thought himself a master of race relations, that was hardly the case:

"Dinkin Flicka / Bippity poppity, gimme the zoppity"

"Pizza. Great equalizer. Rich people love pizza, poor people love pizza, white people love pizza, black 

people love pizza... do black people like pizza?"

"Close your eyes. Picture a convict. What's he wearing? Nothing special. Baseball cap on backward, baggy pants. He says something ordinary like, 'yo that's shizzle'. Okay, now slowly open your eyes again. Who you picturing? A black man? Wrong. That was a white woman. Surprised? Well shame on you."

"Why did the convict have to be a black guy. It is such a stereotype. I just wish that Josh had made a more progressive choice. Like a white guy. Who went to prison for... polluting a black guy's lake."

"Mo money mo problems, Stanley. You of all people should know that."

"He's always up in my business. Which is ebonics for being in my face and annoying the bejesus out of me. I don't understand how someone could have so little self awareness."

SELF-AWARENESS

Michael was probably the least self-aware person ever, which tended to lead to his best lines:

"Yes. It is true. I, Michael Scott, am signing up with an online dating service. Thousands of people have 

done it, and I am going to do it. I need a username, and... I have a great one. "Little Kid Lover". That way

people will know exactly where my priorities are at."

"Well, that would be kinda worthless because I know a ton of 14-year-old girls who can kick his ass"

"Reverse psychology is an awesome tool, I don't know if you guys know about it, but basically you can 

make someone think the opposite of what you believe, and that tricks them into doing something stupid.

Works like a charm."

"Actually, it's polite to arrive early, and smart. Only really good friends show up early. Ergo de facto, show up early, become a really good friend."

"Was tonight a success? Well, I made Pam laugh so hard she fell down and almost broke her neck. So I killed, sort of."

"Everyone wants the iPod. It's a huge hit. Almost a Christmas miracle."

"Doctor, what is more serious, a head injury or a foot injury?"

"Wow, you are very exotic looking. Was your dad a G.I., or...?"

"Who wants some man meat?"

"Wikipedia. Is the best thing ever. Anyone, in the world, can write anything they want about any subject. So you know you are getting the best possible information."

"Since I pay her salary, it is like I am paying for the wedding. Which I'm happy to do. It's a big day for Phyllis, but it's an even bigger day for me. Employer of the bride."

"Jim and I are great friends. We hang out a ton, mostly at work..."

"Jan told me to play it cool, and not tell anybody, because it could get us both in trouble. So officially, I did not see her. But I did see Jan there. In our room. At night. And in the morning. That's all I'm gonna say. Sex. Sex. We had sex. I had sex with her. I had sex with Jan."

"I am a bank teller. (to camera) Ryan told me to always tell women you work in finance."

"Yes, money has been a little bit tight lately. But, at the end of my life, when I'm sitting on my yacht, am I going to be thinking about much money I have? No. I'm going to be thinking about, how many friends I have. And my children. And my comedy albums. I mean, I have a yacht so I obviously did pretty well money wise."

"I have my book on business, "Somehow I Manage", I have my HBO comedy special, "Here I Go Again (dot dot dot)", but you know what? When I think about it, when I really think about it, not one of those things are as real to me as my movie."

SILLY

Sometimes there was just no other way to describe what came out of Michael's mouth:

"That’s what she said"

"Hey, Ryan, this is your girlfriend and I'm mad."

"Happy birthday, Jesus. Sorry your party is so lame."

"I DECLARE BANKRUPTCY!"

"Hey everybody! I just invited Jim to suck it!"

"TMI? Too Much Information. It''s just easier to say 'TMI'. I used to say 'don't go there', but that's lame."

"A guy goes to a $5 lady of the night, and he gets crabs. So the next day he goes back to complain and the

woman says, 'Hey, it was only $5, what did you expect... lobster?' This is what’s at stake."

"Peach Iced Tea. You're gonna hate it."

"Mmmm, sounds yummy. I will have a chicken breast, hold the chicken."

"Here it is, heart of New York City, Times Square... named for the good times you have when you're in it."

"Cage matches? Yeah, they work. How could they not work? If they didn't work,

everybody would still be in the cage."

"Prove it. Let's see your penis! I... you know, as that was coming out of my mouth I knew that it was wrong."

"I ate more fettuccine alfredo and drank less water than I have in my entire life."

"Guess what? I have flaws. What are they? Oh I dunno, I sing in the shower? Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me-- no, don't sue me. That is opposite the point I'm trying to make."

"Jim, you're six eleven and you weigh ninety pounds, Gumby has a better body than you. Boom roasted. Dwight, you're a kiss-ass. Boom roasted. Pam, you failed art school, boom roasted. Meredith, you've slept with so many guys you're starting to look like one. Boom roasted. Kevin, I can't decide between a fat joke or a dumb joke boom roasted. Creed your teeth called your breath stinks. Boom roasted. Angela, where's Angela. Whoa there you are I didn't see you behind that grain of rice! Boom. Roasted! Stanley! You crush your wife during sex and your heart sucks. Boom roasted. [Stanley starts laughing] Oscar you are [distracted by Stanley] Oscar, you're gay! Andy, Cornell called, they think you suck! And you're gayer than Oscar. Boom roasted!"

TOBY

The man Michael loved to hate:

"Toby is in HR, which technically means he works for corporate, so he's really not a part of our family. Also, he's divorced, so he's really not a part of his family."

"Why are you the way that you are? Honestly, every time I try to do something fun or exciting, you make it not... that way. I hate... so much about the things that you choose to be."

"And if I had a gun, with two bullets, and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden and Toby, I would 

shoot Toby twice."

"You know what Toby, when the son of the deposed king of Nigeria emails you directly, asking for help, 

you help! His father ran the freaking country! Ok?"

"Toby Flenderson is everything that is wrong with the paper industry."

"Toby has been cruisin' for a bruisin' for twelve years. And I am now his cruise director. And my name is Captain Bruisin'."

POP CULTURE

Michael thought he knew a lot about pop culture than he really did:

"I am a big Fear Factor fan. Um... I'm a big fan of anything Joe Rogan does, actually."

"‘Are you talkin' to me? You talkin' to me?' Raging Bull, Pacino."

"Fun fact: I share my birthday with Eva Longoria. So, I have a perfect ice breaker if I ever

meet Teri Hatcher."

"Think about this: what is the most exciting thing that can happen on TV or in movies, or

in real life? Somebody has a gun. That''s why I always start with a gun, because you can''t

top it. You just can''t."

"There's such a thing as good grief. Just ask Charlie Brown."

"Oh I can't say I was a big fan of 'Bowling for Columbine', because I thought it was

going to be a bowling movie like Kingpin. And it wasn't. It was something else."

"500 boxes has gone out with the image of a beloved cartoon duck performing unspeakable acts upon a certain cartoon mouse that a lot of people like. I've never been a fan."

"What's the group, that were from Scranton and made it big? Was that U2?"

"It’s like last week I was at the video store. Do I rent “The Devil Wears Prada” again? Or do I finally get around to seeing “Sophie’s Choice”? It is what you would call a classic difficult decision."

PAST 

Michael said a lot of things about his past that were just as depressing as they were difficult not to laugh at:

"Alright let me ask you this, tell me if you think this is creative. When I was five, I imagined that there was such a thing as a unicorn. And this was before I had even heard of one, or seen one. I just drew a picture, of a horse, that could fly over rainbows, and a had a huge spike in its head. I was five! Five-years-old. Couldn't even talk yet."

"When I was seven, my mother hired a pony and a cart to come to my house for all the kids. And I got a really bad rash. From the pony. And all the kids got to ride the pony. And I had to go inside, and my mother was rubbing cream on me, for probably three hours, and I never came outside. And by the time I got out, the pony was already in the truck and around the corner. So that was my worst birthday."

"We had a foreign exchange student when I was young. And, we called him my brother, and that's what I thought he was. Um, then he went home to what is formerly Yugoslavia, taking all of my blue jeans, with him. And I had to spend the entire winter in shorts. That is what Ryan is like: A fake brother who steals your jeans."

"A boss is like a teacher. And I am like the cool teacher, like Mr. Handell. Mr. Handell would hang out with us and he would tell us awesome jokes and he actually hooked up with one of the students. And then like 12 other kids came forward.. it was in all the papers. Really ruined eighth grade for us."

"You know what this is like? I'll tell you what this is like. This is like when freshmen throw a party and wouldn't let any of the seniors go."

"I am actually great with old women. In fact, for the longest time my best friend was my grandmother. And then she met Harriet. And now she thinks she better than everybody."

"Todd Packer and I are total B.F.F.: Best Friends Forever. He and I came up together as

salesmen. One time we were out and we met this set of twins and Packer told them that we were brothers. And so, you know, one thing led to another; we brought them back to the hotel and then Packer did both of them. It was awesome!"

There was one final quote I wanted to save until the end that I felt really summed up exactly what Michael Scott wanted to be, and in an indirect way he achieved it:

“I swore to myself if I ever got to walk around the room as manager, people would laugh as they

saw me coming, and they'd applaud as I walked away.” 

Well Michael, I laughed the majority of the time I saw you, and tonight I will definitely applaud as you walk

away. And for that, I want to say thank you and good luck in Colorado.

18 Year Old in Cow Suit Steals 26 Gallons of Milk from...You Guessed it, Walmart

STAFFORD, Va.  Walmart shoppers in Stafford County saw the sight of their lives Tuesday night—a cow, on all fours, trying to score gallons of milk. An 18-year-old man dressed up in a cow suit stole 26 gallons of milk around 10:35 p.m. The man was apparently crawling while he exited the store, trying to emulate cattle, Kennedy said. Soon afterward, witnesses told Stafford sheriff's deputies that the man was handing out the pilfered milk jugs to passersby outside of the Walmart, Kennedy said...“This is probably one of the most unique efforts of shoplifting I’ve seen,” Kennedy said. “It might’ve been a prank that went wrong, but it isn’t as funny when [the suspect] breaks the law.” Kennedy said the sheriff's office didn't have surveillance video of the theft, but said it would have been interesting to see.

First off, if you're shopping for groceries at Walmart, this wasn't the sight of a lifetime, probably wasn't even the sight of that specific Tuesday night. You've just got to expect out of the natural stuff when you cross a Walmart threshold.

That said, calling this is a unique effort in shop lifting history is an extremely understating the magnitude of what happened here.  I mean the physics alone confound me.  Was it one guy in a cow suit? Doesn't that usually require two people? And how did one kid carry out 26 gallons of milk without looking suspicious? That's a lot of fucking milk.  That's roughly 210 pounds of milk to be specific.  So not only did employees watch the bizarre scene of a man on all fours in a cow suit crawling out of their store, but they didn't stop to question the fact that he obviously had to be laboring pretty heavily with all that weight, not to mention the bulky, gallon sized lumps protruding from his sides?

But here's the final, million dollar question, would you have taken a gallon or two from this kid on all fours in his cow suit on the sidewalk while he was handing out milk.  Milk aint cheap these days, a gallon is like $4.25.  Fiscally, it makes sense.  But at the same time, its a kid dressed as a cow on all fours on the sidewalk handing out free milk.  The situation doesn't exactly scream FDA approved.  I guess it's one of those questions that can only be answered when you're in the moment. 

Lawyer Sues Strip Club for Making Him Spend 19,000 Dollars While Drunk

Fox News - An attorney who specializes in drunken-driving offenses is suing a Florida strip club, claiming it got him so drunk he spent almost $19,000 on his credit card, Courthousenews.com reports.  Mark S. Gold reportedly is suing the Gold Rush strip club in Miami-Dade County Court, saying he became "temporarily unconscious" during a drunken night at the club in November 2010 and racked up $18,930 in charges.  The lawsuit alleged that "Gold Rush knowingly and continuously served plaintiff alcoholic beverages to the extent that he was rendered intoxicated, partially or temporarily unconscious, and further to the extent that he had a complete loss of judgment, rational thought, or ability to enter into lawful contracts or agreements," according to the website. The allegations reportedly say that the club "knowingly caused plaintiff's irrational state of mind, continued to ply him with liquor in order to charge his credit card excessive amounts to the extent of $18,930."

Listen buddy, I don’t buy it and you shouldn’t be selling it.  

1.  Rule number one of the strip club. Leave your credit card at home. Coincidentally this is also rules two and three.  You don’t have that black card in your pocket, they stop feeding you boos, and the girls step grinding their lubed up parts on you, plain and simple.

4. Besides that though, you spent 19,000 dollars. It takes a while to blow through 19k, even in a strip club.  Like you might have been blacked out for an hour or so, but I can guarantee this was a 6-8 hour bender. At some point you came through and realized what was going on and decided “fuck it, I’ll deal with it later, now someone go find me an Asian I want to spice it up a little.” 

5. I feel like its an unwritten yet universally understood thing that once you set foot inside the threshold of a strip club, they aren’t going to stop sucking money out of you until its closing time or your card is declined.  The strip club is a gigantic war beign waged on your wallet.  If you're not willing to wage war on its behalf, you shouldn't be there in the first place.

Man Bashes Woman's Head and Sets Her Clothes on Fire after Hospital Charges $5.75 per day for HBO

If this place has free HBO, shouldn't your local Hospital?

(New York Post) - The television-obsessed New York man who brutally beat his wife because she did not pay for premium cable channels while he was in the hospital has been charged with killing her, authorities announced Wednesday. Thomas Scala, of Staten Island, was charged with criminally negligent homicide for causing the death of his 59-year-old spouse, Blanche, by hitting her in the head during a Nov. 26, 2010 fight inside their New Dorp Beach home, according to the Staten Island District Attorney's office. Scala, 57, a diabetic with a long history of medical issues, allegedly went ballistic because his wife had not footed the $5.75-a-day for him to watch his favorite shows while he was laid up in the hospital during Thanksgiving. When the woman tried to retreat to a neighbor's home, Scala allegedly set her clothes on fire. She suffered a wound to her head -- possibly caused by a thrown ashtray -- that triggered fatal bleeding on her brain. She died the next day.

 Condolences to Blanche's family...

Holy shit there is a lot going on here, but I think we can all agree on one thing, this is all the hospitals fault. $5-frigen-.75 per day for cable channels? WTF? Price gouge much you fascist pigs? 

Dude is already laid up, running up unseemly bills for his extended stay in the ER, the least you could do is cop a brother some free HBO.  Shit, every sketch ball motel for miles tosses in HBO for free, you'd think HMO's and medicare would be able to cover it.  We're talking about dying people here, are we really going to force them to watch basic cable and suffer at the whim of whatever the hell Ted Turner has decided his conglomeration of like 18 basic cable channels should show this season? That's enough to drive anyone to murder.

PS: anyone named Blanche either lives on, or has lived on Staten Island, right? I can't be the only one that makes that assumption. 

Gwyneth Paltrow Calls Grandmother a "Cunt." Good to Know I'm not the Only One That Hates Her

Fox 411 - That wild and crazy Gwyneth Paltrow needs to wash her mouth out with soap! The ice-blond beauty shocked viewers of the “Chelsea Lately” show by calling her own grandmother “a real c**t.” Comedian Chelsea Handler was describing her crotchety grandmother, who she called Mutti—the German word for mother—as being “a real b**ch.” Not missing a beat, Gwyneth retorted that her own Mutti was “a real c**t.” Raunchy Handler delighted in the normally regal Paltrow using the vulgarity with such familiarity, saying, “I don’t know what it is about that name, but they should stop giving it to people!” Paltrow explained to Handler that her German grandmother “hated (her) guts.” “She tried to poison my mother against me,” said Paltrow. “She must not have been very happy and she must have had a lot of pain because she was as mean as hell."

Good to hear Gwyneth's cunt of a grandmother is on the same page as the rest of us.  Seriously, what the hell is it about Gwyneth Paltrow that is just so damn hateable? She just seems like such an uppity stuck up bitch.  I have no basis for believing that, don't know her, don't recall ever seeing her speak during an interview, and she's never really in the news.  But all the same I just know that I hate her guts.  Sort of like Rachel Ray in that way.

Take Cameron Diaz for example.  I always compare these two in my mind, they should be the same person.  Both came on the scene around the same time, tall, slender blondes, average to slightly above average acting talents.  One seems like a blast in a glass, the other seems like the kind of bitch that you'd leave behind at the table during a first date when you snuck off to go to "the bathroom."  I mean she even named her kid Apple...even that makes my blood boil.

So yea Gwyneth, maybe your Nazi war criminal grandmutter was a cunt, but she was probably less hated by American's everywhere than you are, even if we're not quite sure why we hate you.

Man Robs Dunkin Donuts on Bike, Gets Hit By Cop Making His Getaway

Courant - A man with 45 previous arrests for robbery was arrested again Friday after allegedly bicycling up to a Dunkin' Donuts drive-through window, threatening the clerk and pedaling away with a register drawer full of cash, police said. Vernon Lewis, 42, of 6 Lincoln Terrace, then nearly collided with a police officer near City Hall who was responding to another call, police said. After learning that the Dunkin' Donuts at 255 East Main St. had been robbed, the officer found Lewis near the public library, police said. He was carrying $321 cash, police said...He faces charges of first-degree robbery, second-degree larceny, second-degree threatening, interfering with police and brandishing a facsimile firearm.

I'd like to say tough luck, seems like the perfect crime, but can you really call it luck when you've been busted 45 times before? I mean sooner or later you've got to perfect your craft, right?  Guy has all the dedication in the world, but sadly, no talent it seems.

You're on a bike, you've accomplished the hardest part, getting the guy in the window to take your demands seriously while seated on a 10 speed huffy.  Now comes the getaway.  Again, you're on a bike.  Take that thing off road, through the woods, through yards, down trails.  

Whatever you do, do not pedal into oncoming traffic, especially if that traffic includes a cop car speeding to an unrelated call.  Like how quickly do you think this officer went from shitting his pants because he hit a pedestrian to recognizing this guy from his 1,000 previous arrests and just throwing him in the back seat.  Probably didn't even wait to check him for cash, just tossed him in cuffs and decided he'd figure out what kind of mischief he was up to later.  

Bad luck, yea, but the guy is dumb as rocks.

You're Mad At Your Dad, Not Me. And That's Ok, I Forgive You

A Louisville man is facing disorderly conduct charges after police said they found him walking shirtless down an interstate in the middle of traffic during a rainstorm...Police said cars were swerving to avoid Simic. According to arrest records, Simic told the officer to "go (expletive) yourself" when he tried to get Simic off the roadway. When asked why he was upset, police said Simic told them he wanted to "kick his father's ass" and he was walking on the interstate to get to Prospect, Ky.Simic also told police he was mad at his father because his father will not have sex with Simic's mother, according to arrest records.Police said Simic appeared to be under the influence of drugs.He is charged with second-degree disorderly conduct. 

Just a typical case of repressed anger towards a guys father, nothing to see here. I'm sure if the cops had a nickel for every time they found a guy wandering the highway shirtless during a rain storm while curising his father under his breath for not having the decency to properly plow his mother, we wouldn't even be in this fiscal mess.   I mean, entire movies have presumably been made about this exact situation.

By the way, question for the officers, what's a fella got to do to make first degree disorderly conduct?  Where's the line there?  Because I'd love to know how this guy straddled it without going over.  Just a puzzling situation.  Was it because he still had his pants on? Is that the key, male frontal nudity? Was he not swearing at a loud enough decibel, some kind of sound ordinance in place?  Or did they just take it easy on him because the arresting officers father never had the decency to bang their mother either.

I'm Starting to Lose Faith in Donald Trump's Presidential Campaign

Fox News - Stars from Robert De Niro to Jerry Seinfeld have hopped on the anti-Trump bandwagon. But not every Hollywood honcho agrees with them....After Seinfeld relieved himself of his St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital hosting duties, “Celebrity Apprentice” winner Bret Michaels stepped up to the plate...Former “Celebrity Apprentice” contestant Gary Busey also told FOX411.com he’s firmly on Team Trump, even though Trump axed him from the show last week...

Does trump want to do this or not? Like what the hell Donald? Pay those ex-celebrity apprentice castoffs a mill or two to shut the fuck up so this presidency can get off the ground.  The people can get by your hair, your general lack of social awareness, your buffoonery, and lack of experience.   No one, and I mean no one is going to get over the fact that Gary Busey just endorsed you publicly.  I mean can he even vote? He has to have a felony drug arrest by now, right?

I guess Bret Michael's might not be bad, def pulls the cougar vote, but what good does his support do if he’s dead before election day? He’s got to be running a delicate balance health wise over there, have to think one more STD and he’s toast.  Only so many diseases, boils, warts, and creepy crawlers your junk can take before it up and kills you.

If Donald's serious about this he needs to contact me.  I’ll change up the general theme of this blog in a second. Just toss out Kim Jung Il type propaganda about the Donald 24/7 (which wouldn’t be hard, pretty sure you could just stick a mic on him during his waking hours and pull enough material).

Warrant Out for Mans Arrest After He Pisses on Cough Drops in Walgreens (with video!)

Huh, that's kind of a weird thing to do. Wonder why he picked the cough drops?  Something going on there that we should know about? Effervescence or some shit?  I mean he could have picked the adult diapers section, paper towel/tp area, children's toys which were sure to include sand castle type buckets. But he chose cough drops, and that’s going to puzzle me until about 7:30 tonight. ..because that’s when I’m going out and buying a few packs of cough drops to test this out.  I have to know, its going to bother me until I do.

The Most Stressful Jobs List is a Crock of Shit. Here's One Working Man's Objections

(FOX 25 / MyFoxBoston.com) - A survey by an Internet job finder has ranked the most stressful and the least stressful careers (additional lists at the link above):

MOST STRESSFUL

1. Commercial Air Pilot, $106,151

2. Public Relations Officer, $90,160

3. Corporate Executive, $161,141

4. Photojournalist, $40,209

5. Newscaster, $50,456

6. Advertising Executive, $62,105

7. Architect, $73,193

8. Stockbroker, $67,470

9. Medical Technician, $30,168

10. Real Estate Agent, $40,357

 Ok, buckle up because this is going to be a lenghty one people.  I've got a few major problems with this list:

1. Blogger/Corporate middle manager isn't anywhere on this list.  Newsflash, this is stressful as fuck.  Analyzing excel spreadsheets one second, alt-tabbing it to The Alt-Tab to keep the blogs fresh the next, tweeting new posts on my phone on my lap under my desk hoping people walking by don't think I'm diddling myself. It's not easy.

2. Politicians aren't on there, see today's earlier post.

3. The President isn't on here.  Most stressful job on Earth, hands down.  Not only does everyone hate you (including your supporters) but you've got the entire weight of the country on you, even for shit you have no control over.  Look at Bush, catching all that flack for Katrina, like the guy can control tropical depressions and weather patters coming from the West coast of Africa.  Shit is nuts, but its the job.

4.  Airline Pilots are number 1? Come on bro, you kidding me?  That job is the balls.  First off you get up to your cruising altitude and you're doing just that, cruising.  Take a nap, chat up the young female flight attendant, do whatever you want.  You're only really flying for like 10 minutes on take off and 20 minutes on the descent and landing, that's it.  It's not like there's stop lights and traffic jams, no jackass teenagers with brand new licenses flying like maniacs.  Plus you get to live it up in the airport bars for free. The life, the absolute life.  Complaining about being a pilot is like complaining about being a rock star.

5. Newscaster - I had no idea I made more than most of these people on the Fox 25 Morning show.  Like I'm sure one or two of them out do me, but 50K? Those guys are on air from like 4AM-10AM. 4 AM!  I haven't seen what 4 AM looks like ever.  50K certainly aint getting me up and make up ready, in studio at that time.  No sir, uh-uh.

6.  General Lack of Public Employees, specifically social workers - Worst job on earth.  Glad someone's willing to do it, but its the worst.  You see the absolute worst in humanity and make as much bank as a high school janitor.  Can't even imagine how many houses those people leave not knowing whether or not the kid they just left with their deadbeat parents is going to live through the week.

7.  Real Estate Agents - No offense, but this job is absolute cake these days.  Sorry, the internet does 90% of the work for you.  Just prepare the paper work that I'll need to sign and you're all set.  Seriously, I'm going through this right now.  We look online, find places we'd like to see, if there's an open house we go on our own, if not we e-mail our agent and they set up a viewing.  If we want to put an offer in they give us a piece of paper they probably made 4,000 copies of and ask us to fill in the blanks and sign.  What exactly is the stressful part of this job?  It's a license to steal.  I go out, find a house, mortgage my life away, and you make like 2.5% for photocopying a few sheets of paper and e-mailing them to the correct parties.  Yea real tough life.

Local Politicians Still Holding Town Hall Meetings Must Have a Death Wish

Fox News - Democratic lawmakers and their liberal supporters are trying to ignite a storm of protest at town hall meetings being held by Republicans during the current congressional recess that they hope will give them momentum going into the 2012 presidential election season. Rep. Lou Barletta of Pennsylvania faced outbursts at his town hall meeting that led police to remove a constituent. Others, including Rep. Charlie Bass of New Hampshire, Patrick Meehan of Pennsylvania, Robert Dold of Illinois, and Paul Gosar of Arizona, were grilled over the budget plan that would cut nearly $6 trillion from the deficit, in part by making the elderly pay more for their Medicare. Ryan himself was booed lustily last week at one of his town hall meetings when he expressed support for cutting taxes for the wealthiest Americans.

Say what you want about politicians these days, but they legit have more balls than anyone in the room.  The fact that they can be so openly loathed and still go about their daily business holding these town hall meetings for the same people who endlessly ridicule them is something to be commended. 

I couldn't do it, that's for sure.  I'm the one that'll lay on the horn, mean mug you, chuck the finger, and then when you pull up along side me at the awkward stop light I'll be staring straight ahead unflinchingly, not even thinking about looking to the side to see whatever pissed off motorist is staring daggers at me.  Not politicians, they seem to thrive off being hated. They've been charged with a job and they're going to try and do it.

And that's the thing I don't think people get about politicians.  Agree or disagree with them, but everyone does get that they're not out there intentionally fucking shit up, right?  I mean these guys aren't going out and deviously plotting the down fall of Ameriac like they're on Montgomery Burns' panel of doom or anything.  What the hell would the point of that be?  If everything goes to shit here they'll have nothing left to take advantage of.  They have as much to gain from a strong economy as you and I do, and probably more to lose.  

So everyone relax just a little bit.  If you disagree, vote them out, get involved at your next town meeting in an educated and adult way.  But don't go all Sgt. Slaughter threatening to skull fuck your local State Representative like the psycho pictured above.  There's nothing productive about that.

Now back to your regularly scheduled nonsense...

Is Charmin Really Making Money off People Not Knowing How to Clean Their Ass?

So this is really an on-going epidemic, huh? Like at first I thought these would phase out a couple years ago, but apparently people who don't know how to properly clean their own ass is a larger consumer base than I would have ever thought.  Has to be for this product to survive.


Buying TP is an embarrassing enough project, rolling up to the cash register with a 48 pack of toilet paper, afraid to make eye contact with the cashier in fear that they'll think you're in the midst of a massive case of the shits.   Now you've got to worry about that minimum wage employee checking out what brand you've got and judging you on whether or not you're the kind of person who can't wipe their own ass without leaving shit stained flecks of TP behind.  Just a gross, disgusting, filthy group of people we're talking about here.


PS: for my money I buy the brand with the puppy on it.  Puppies are just cuter than bears, and yea, that's what I base my toilet paper consumerism on . 

This Lawnmower Powered Wheel Chair is the Definition of Awesome (video)

Lawnmower-Powered Wheelchair - Watch more Funny Videos

Wheel Chair people are best. They just don't give a damn as to what people think.  "Oh I ran over your toe? Too frigen bad, I can't even use my feet."  "Oh pulling my wheel chair through traffic with a gas powered lawnmower rolling blades up isn't safe? Well at least you can walk."  They can get away with murderer and they know it.  I respect that.

PS: wonder if anyone ever suggested he just buy a ride around mower? Kill two birds in one stone.

Alt-Tab Challenge: Help Me Out PageView the New ESPNW

I guess we shouldn't be shocked, it was only a matter of time, I mean the WNBA has been a failing, subsidized product for like a decade now, why not start a website dedicated solely to their meager fan base, right?

Guys, it is exactly what you'd think it would be.  Pseudo sports reporting, memorable moments in womans sporting history (is there anything other than the Brandi Chastain game and Kerri Strugg? Can they even make a top 10 list?), figure skating news, advice on trapeze workouts (yes that's real, see screen shot above), and a tribute to Violet Palmers first game as a woman ref'ing an NBA game (seriously). Heinous stuff for a sports fan.

So here's the mission, will you help The Alt-Tab out hit ESPNW? Can I hang my hat on that goal for this site? It's been a while since I've had some sort of focus or goal (that hole digging competition never happened for the 3 of you wondering), maybe this is it.  I have no qualms with the fact that the fan base would be largely misogynistic fools and trolls. 

I feel like that's who I'm silently catering to at this point anyway, might as well openly welcome them.  A brief run down of recent search results that some how landed people at The Alt Tab: "Hookers" , "Miley Cyrus Sex Doll" (ok that one is legit), "pin up porn?" , and my favorite, "Can I Get Pink Eye from Stagnate Water."   

So as you can see, I'm not exactly sacrificing a high brow audience by undertaking this goal.  So can we do it? Probably not.  It's going to require a ton of help and word of mouth on your part.  Spread the news, tell a co-worker, tell someone in your dorm, pay a homeless guy a couple bucks to hold a sign with our address on it.  Get the movement started people.   Sports news was one of the last all male arena's let's not let this ESPNW crap take that away from us.

Enlightened NYC Public Libraries Allow Porn on their PC's. Score One For Free Speech.

(NewsCore) - New Yorkers can watch internet porn at the city's public libraries thanks to a policy of free speech protected by the First Amendment, the New York Post reported Monday. "Customers can watch whatever they want on the computer," said Brooklyn Public Library spokeswoman Malika Granville, describing the anything-goes philosophy that is the rule at the city's 200-plus branches.   Library patron Daisy Nazario, 60, said she was disgusted when she discovered she was sitting next to an elderly porn watcher in the Brooklyn Central Library recently. The man was using library-provided extensions on the sides of his computer to block the view of his screen -- which was featuring a threesome at the time -- "but I could still hear the voices," Nazario said. "It is very disrespectful to the children."  Under US law, all libraries that take federal funding only must install filters on publicly used computers to block content containing illegal obscenity and child pornography, and New York City officials say they comply to the letter. If localities want to further restrict viewing, they must specifically enact a policy, although the move almost certainly brings with it legal challenges. Library officials and civil libertarians say it is a free speech issue. "In deference to the First Amendment protecting freedom of speech, the New York Public Library cannot prevent adult patrons from accessing adult content that is legal," said New York Public Library spokeswoman Angela Montefinise.


So this is a real thing huh? Like that guy I pictured browsing porn in an apple store last week (and above) wasn’t a fluke? The old people are catching up with the times with the sole purposes of viewing internet porn? Good for them.  What the fuck, right? They’re going to kick the bucket soon, might as well get a taste of the enjoyment us young whiffersnappers are all crazed about.


I mean what else are they going to do? Read about the most recent rape or murder? Watch another world war ii documentary? Newsflash these guys were in world war ii. They don’t need to watch some Tom Brokaw edited 3 hour snore fest to know what went on over there. Plus stamp collecting has gotten awful boring lately with these Forever stamps.  Been looking at the same damn image of the liberty bell for like 4 freaking years now. How about a little variety here post office.


Love how the library provides the privacy booths.  The library is about 2-3 steps away from just becoming a modern day peep show.  Throw a box of tissues next to it and make the internet dollar bill operated and you’ve got yourself a bonafide adult entertainment center.


I mean what else are people going there for anyway, books? You can get just about any book free on your computer or e-reader. Computers? This uppity bitch complaining about the old man can calm down, computers run like $250-$300 dollars these days and you can steal your internet for free just about anywhere in NY I would think with all the Dunks, Starbucks, McD's and local hipster coffee houses around.  Stop being a cheapo and put that pc on lay away.  Pretty much the only legit libraries these days are university libraries, its about time public libraries changed up their business plan in favor of a more profitable product.

Mexican Actress Gets Away With Citizenship Marriage Scam, Something Tells Me It's Because of Her Looks

Fox News - Fernanda Romero did the crime, but she won't do any time. That's the deal the Mexican-born actress agreed to when she admitted lying to immigration officials about her bogus marriage. Romero, who had bit roles in American films but is perhaps best known for her role in the Mexican soap opera "Eternamente Tuya," confessed to entering into a sham marriage with Kent Ross so that she could remain in the United States.  The pair was charged in April 2010 for the fake marriage, but a jury deadlocked on the case last year. The pair eventually entered a plea agreement that calls for probation but no jail time. U.S. District Judge Manuel Real is scheduled to sentence the couple on Monday.

No shit she's not doing jail time.  While she may have entered into the marriage for the benefit of US citenship you can bet your ass he did it for love, or at the very least lust.  I can tell you one thing for sure, this wasn't a cash for citizenship marriage.  This was a straight, "damn you're a smoking hot Mexican Senorita and I want you to share a marital bed with me" type of marriage.  Guy didn't care if it was a sham on her end, it was real for him.

Something tells me the justice system wouldn't have been as lenient if the girl looked like your averaged rented burro.  I guess the illegal immigration game is just like every other walk of life, the beautiful people get all the perks.