Alt-Tabs

Bat Cave Discovered -A larger-than-life Batman symbol was discovered on the roof of a U.S. Air Force base in Japan -- thanks to Google Maps, Stars and Stripes reported Wednesday…The military newspaper said a white Batman symbol, like the one used in the popular TV series and movie franchise, marks the home of the U.S. Air Force's 44th Fighter Squadron's Kadena Air Base in Okinawa.

Now this is the kind of message we want to be sending to foreign countries. You mess with us we’ll go all vigilanty on your ass (not to mention drop a couple of nukes).  The gov’t should be mailing this out as a post card to any countries posing a national threat to us.  “Look what we did in Japan, You’re next” is all it should read.

October is Velociraptor Awareness Month - Velociraptor attack is the 3rd leading cause of death for men age 27-29. However, everyone must think about the implications of velociraptors: young and old, men, women and transgendered persons.

I’m glad someone finally stood up to bring awareness to this issue.  Too many of us go about our days living in fear of these predatory creatures and their gigantic toe nail weapon. 

Obama on MythBusters - The president is set to make a guest appearance next month on the Discovery Channel's "MythBusters," the show where a team of explosion-prone pyrophiles test urban legends. The Obama episode will focus on the so-called "Archimedes death ray."… "I can tell you that I taped an episode of their show," Obama told science students at the White House on Monday as he welcomed lead busters Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman to the West Wing. "I didn't get to blow anything up. I was a little frustrated by that."

Damn, for a second I thought I was finally going to see the action hero President this country is craving.  Testing a “Death Ray” certainly fits that qualification.  Until you read further and find out they were essentially frying bugs with the sun and mirrors the way I used to terrorize ant colonies as a child. Fucking man up Obama!  Don’t admit to being frustrated you didn’t get to blow anything up.  You’re the frigen Commander in Chief. If you want to blow things up all you have to do is say the word.  But no, instead you admit to the nation that two science nerds called the shots for you. For shame.

Bad-Ass Goat - A mountain goat that fatally gored a hiker, then stood over the man and stared at people trying to help, had shown aggressive behavior in the past, Olympic National Park officials said Monday.

You’re goddamn right Goats are aggressive.  Hasn’t anyone read The Billy Goats Gruff?  These are the terrorists of the animal kingdom.  They’ll kill you and piss on you while you're down and show no regard for their own safety. It wouldn’t surprise me at all if they’re the masterminds behind the recent surge in animal attacks.

Media Member Fired over Questionable Comments, Fox Immediately Hires Him - Fox News has re-signed Juan Williams to an expanded role with the network in a multi-year deal, Roger Ailes, chairman and chief executive officer of Fox News, announced Thursday after National Public Radio fired Williams for his comments on the O'Reilly Factor Monday night, when he said it makes him nervous to fly on airplanes with devout Muslims.

Actually I don’t blame Fox here, they showed common sense and refreshingly didn’t overreact to be perceived politically correct as most media outlets do these days.  My problem is with Juan Williams himself.  Crying poor me after making racially charged comments on a national news show (even if it’s questionable as to just how offensive the comments really were) comes off extremely hypocritical.  I can only imagine how the Juan Williams and Jesse Jacksons of the world would have reacted if it was a white media member (or the devil himself, Bill O’Reilly) making comments to the effect of being nervous when around groups of young African-Americans or Latinos.  They would be vilified and no media outlet would touch them as far as jobs go, so spare me the bitching and moaning here.

Russian Elitism- MOSCOW (Reuters) – Moscow will open its first cemetery for the elite in almost 250 years, a popular newspaper reported on Wednesday, to make sure Russia's high mortality rate doesn't deprive the city's most famous residents of a final resting place.

Fantastic idea.  If you worked hard in life to separate yourself from the everyday scum then why should you be forced to spend an eternity with them as your neighbors once you’re dead?   The last thing I want when I die is to be stuck with someone dressed worse than I am or have a mooching neighbor bugging me all the time.  And lets take this one step further, how about a cemetery for only good looking people, I don’t associate with uggo’s in life, I’m certainly not going to want to when I die.

That's all for this week.  As usual, if you're enjoying what you're reading, or hate me but can't stop coming back, let a couple friends in on the fun. Don't forget to contact us with submissions, ideas,  hate mail, or opinions at TheAltTab@Gmail.com

Thanks- CW

How to Get Ahead at Work, While Doing the Bare Minimum

Continuing my series of lectures for upwardly mobile cubicle workers, today we'll talk about how to get by with doing the bare minimum at work.

First off, it helps to be intellectually gifted and exceedingly charming, like myself.  Coupled with these intangibles, this guide will not only help you get by, but succeed while doing less work than you ever did before.  Lacking the afforementioned gifts it will at least let you get by without being fired.

Don't Suck Up - This may seem counter-intuitive, but you must know that nothing is more annoying to your boss than a suck up.  Trust me, I may only be a lower level leader but people still suck up to me.  It takes every ounce of strength not to tell these people to shut the fuck up.  Nevermind the fact that they're sucking up to a person with the littlest amount of power someone can have at my company.

What you want to do is find a common ground you can tread on comfortably.  Think of it as if you were a predator luring in little kids.  You don't want to come on too strong or creepy, just enough to make your victim (or your boss in this case) feel at ease.  To take the analogy one step further (if I didn't cross the line already), you also want to get in and out quickly.  Don't linger around past your welcome.  I prefer the one foot in, one foot out approach when standing in someones doorway, it lets them know that I'm on the verge of leaving any second and that way they're not bothered by the length of time I'm chatting them up.

Do the Important Work - Little secret, its okay to let shit slide. But you have to know what you can ignore.  This takes a certain comfort level with your daily tasks.  You want to complete high visibility tasks and projects and push off the remedial work to those dumb enough to think hard work is the key to success.

Take Meetings and Ask Questions - This should be obvious.  They kill time that you'd otherwise have to fill with work and make you appear more important than you really are.  Some people bitch about having to go to meetings, you should too, don't let people know that you secretly embrace these wastes of time.  It's equally important when you're in the meeting to contribute by asking questions.  No one likes the deaf-mute that just takes up space at a meeting, I know you're just trying to blend in but you end up sticking out like a sore thumb.  Asking questions allows you to contribute without actually having to display any knowledge of the subject that the meeting is on.  

Act as if You're on the Way Up - Treat every day like you would an interview.  Lots of nodding in agreement and wordy answers.  Stay on topic but bullshit everyone you can.  If you're good enough at it your bosses won't know you're feeding them shit by the gallon.  And chances are that even if you're not the best bullshit artist your boss will still appreciate the effort, after all, how do you think they got their job as boss?

Booze Coming to a Starbucks Near You

NEW YORK (CNNMoney.com) -- If you thought the coffee at Starbucks was addictive, wait until you try the beer and wine…In a brief statement announcing the reopening of the store, Starbucks said it is offering wine and beer, as well as an "expanded food menu," at the location.

 Just Starbucks flashing their business savvy as usual.  What better way to capitalize on coffee's biggest consumers (hung-over students and post grads) than to offer them a little hair of the dog for their hangover cure.  I’ve always found the unemployed art majors and beatniks sipping $4 coffee a bit obnoxious, but the chance to see the kind of people who are looking for a fresh brewed beer at 9 am (frat bros, alcoholics, and the homeless I assume) intermingling some douchebag in skinny jeans and horned rim glasses listening to Norah Jones is just too much to pass up.  Sounds like a great idea for reality tv.