The Self Titled "Cheapest Man In America" Has A Wife

Is there no ends to what women will settle for? Like, if you ever hear some guy telling a sob story about not being able to meet someone, just know that the guy either A) Isn't trying, or B) Is doing something horribly, horribly wrong. 

Look at this lady. Your husband is bleeding out ketchup packets and toothpaste instead of applying for jobs...He's asking for table scraps at restaurants while you're out on dates...I'm sometimes embarrassed when the waitress catches me grabbing a fry off my fiancee's plate, this guy's asking if he can pick the left over meat off of some strangers ribs. And all through this the woman's right there? Damn. 

To his credit he's absolutely right about having piddling job in a cube being more stressful than living ketchup packet to ketchup packet. He's got me there. But at the same time I'm not at home working on ways to separate my two-ply toilet paper into one ply...

Red Sox Fans Pulse Check: Something is Seriously Wrong

The Lone Bright Spot for the Sox in the past week, Will Middlebrooks, Professional Boss.

You guys, I don't even know where to start. The team just wrapped up such a pathetic week, that I'm honestly almost indifferent, like a victim of a crime who just goes into a catatonic state rather than dealing with the realities of what just happened. I spent 45 minutes yesterday rocking back and forth while sitting in my shower, trying to wrap my head around what the hell was going on. I mean, they're 4-10 at home this year, they've lost 5 in a row again, and have now lost 8 of 10 to the Baltimore Orioles dating back to last year...So clearly there are a number of things going wrong to go over.

I guess I'll start here:

Boston - Yesterday was probably the worst game of Gonzalez's career, an epic 0-8 afternoon with a pair of strikeouts in Boston's 9-6, 17-inning loss to the surprising Baltimore Orioles. After the game, the stand-up Gonzalez defended his performance by slinking away, refusing to answer any questions from reporters, just what you want from a $154 million franchise cornerstone, and supposed leader.

For the second time in a week, Gonzalez's failure to come through in the clutch spoke volumes about the man's charisma. Think about it. Gonzalez struck out against Orioles DH Chris Davis on three pitches.

And that's really not all that harsh. It could be a lot worse. By any measurement Adrian has been a disaster this season. Now, I'm not a believer in the whole, he sucked last year, he can't hit in the clutch, yada, yada, yada...the numbers just don't back that up. Nor am I blind to the fact that it's only been one month this season, it's hardly statistically relevant...but relevant or not the guy has flat out SUCKED. Striking out on 3 pitches to the other team's DH was just the icing on the cake yesterday...the man was 0-8...was that God's plan for you yesterday? To go 0-8? What the fuck man.

Of course, that wasn't the last out of the game, no, that belonged to Darnell McDonald...you know Darnell, hitting A Buck-Eighty Four on the season...Batting cleanup for half the game because pinch running for the best hitter in the American League with the worst hitter in all of professional baseball (I'm including the minor leagues too) is a brilliant fucking idea. HOW IS THIS GUY ON THE TEAM STILL? He had a nice April two seasons ago. He's building a career off of two walk off's back in April 2010. He hit .236 last year and barely cracked .300 OBP...Pick a stat, any stat, and I'll guarantee he sucks in it. He should've had his bags packed and shipped out to Worcester to join whatever barnstorming team Jose Canseco just joined by now. There's just nothing that he does on the field that justifies his spot in the big leagues. Nothing. And it certainly doesn't make sense for him to be pinch running for David Ortiz...Ortiz could be crawling from first to third and I'd still leave him in over Darnell... I'm completely serious. I commend you for taking the mount yesterday and taking one for the team, but good god man I hope that's the last I see of you.

And then there's Buchholz. Oh MY DEAR GOD. What the hell happened to this guy? He went from an up and coming ace in the making, to an injury plagued year, to the living embodiment of John Lackey's 2011 spirit. Jesus H, kid. I mean he's on a record breaking start, right? Has anyone ever given up 5 runs per start over the course of an entire season?  I don't see how they have a choice not to send him back to the minors for a while, this clearly isn't working out. His effectiveness is at a 0 right now.

On the positives, the bullpen has actually been phenomenal for the better part of a week now, and frankly, they had to be...pretty sure they've pitched more innings than the starters over the last week.

Also, there's Will Middlebrooks just mashing grand slams like a boss. Might give my Bryce Harper man-crush a run for its money.

Former Patriot Larry Izzo Once Pooped on the Sideline, Later Received Game Ball

Fast forward to the 3:15 mark, that's where this gets good.

NESN - Professional football players usually earn game balls for spectacular plays. One time, Larry Izzo earned one from Bill Belichick by taking a poop on the sideline without anybody noticing. "I guarantee that game ball is probably a more prized item for him than his Super Bowl rings," Wes Welker told ESPN's Dan LeBatard on a recent episode of Dan LeBatard Is Highly Questionable. "It's Izzo, it's what the guy does!" Welker declares. "I'm telling you, the guy is phenomenal." 

Welp, that helps explain these Wes Welker wears adult diapers advertisements in recent weeks. 

There's this whole other side to Belichick that I wish we knew more about. I mean he's clearly from the Michael Scott school of comedy, right? What other coach in the league would recognize the comedic value of a guy shitting on the sideline mid-game with a game ball? I'm sure TB threw for 350 yards and 3 TD's that game, and I'm sure there wasn't one ounce of jealousy when Izzo got the game ball. Coach Belichick recognizes greatness in all forms and everyone just accepts that. 

PS: There is an absolutely legendary story from my high school days along these lines (Some of the supporting details may be myth, but its been confirmed enough to know that this actually happened). There was this one kid, a bit of a spazz, clearly had something off with him, not an ounce of athleticism, but since it was high school football no one got cut, the kid got to suit up and sit on the sideline every game, and he loved every minute of it.  This is the kind of kid who would race students to the lunch line...like everyone else was just joking around but his day depended on winning that kind of trivial competition. During gym he'd not only compete like a mad-man, but he'd provide his own play by play...He was the color man and the straight man. He'd also cry and froth at the mouth after losing in gym class. Like I said, there was just something off about him. Anyway...now that you have an idea of what I'm talking about here...

The kid shit his pants during a game.  Not shit on the sideline, not ripped ass and everyone smelled it. Full on shit his pants. Dropped a deuce. Now from here on out the details are hazy as to exactly how the exchange went with the coach, but the most common story is that once back in the lockerroom the coach not only acknowledged the fact that he had shat his pants, but just chuckled and said "we're going to make sure we make it to the bathroom next time, right?" To which the kid enthusiastically replied (hell, it was probably the only time coach spoke to him, he had to be excited), Yes Coach!

Cracks me up every time I think about it, but no, to my knowledge he did not receive a game ball for his bowel movements.

Your Daily Bryce Harper Video

Just your average 19 year old kid stealing home like he's still playing summer Legion ball. NBD. Griffey ever do that? 

The Mayweather Money Team Captures the Single Douchies Moment in History

You've got to be frigen kidding me. There it is folks. The Single Douchiest Moment in History, captured on camera...It's a little known fact that for every ounce of swag, there is an equal and opposite amount of douche bag...And oh, by the way, out of frame is Triple H...as in the wrestler who was really famous like, a decade ago, but is now just a bloated caricature of himself. 

And if that wasn't enough, Biebs gave us a strong contender for most ironic photo of all time...

Bro, you're Canadian, not to mention that a stiff breeze would put you on your back. Come on, know your limitations.