1000's of Jellyfish Attack Florida... I think I'll Stick to Hampton Beach.

This Photo Isn't Featured in Florida's Tourism Campaign

(CNN) -- Hundreds of people trying to enjoy the Memorial Day weekend on Atlantic beaches in central Florida encountered an unwelcome surprise: swarms of purplish, stinging jellyfish.  Although none of the stings was believed to be serious, officials said two people who were stung were taken to hospitals after suffering from respiratory distress. It was unclear whether the distress was directly caused by the sting or came from a pre-existing medical condition. "Most of the stings are being reported on the ankles, but others have been getting it on the chest, arms, you name it," Witcher said. He said victims were being treated by a vinegar solution stocked at the various lifeguard stations. "We have that solution there at all times, but we knew that we were going to have a lot of people out here this weekend," Witcher said. "These jellyfish are not a major threat, but they are annoying."

See, this is what people down south don't get.  They come up here bragging about their warm ocean, their pristine beaches, the sun, yada, yada, yada. No one ever mentions the inhospitable sea creatures murking about in their waters that you have to dodge just to enjoy a swim in the bath water.

Say what you want about the freezing cold water at Hampton Beach but I know that I'll never have to navigate a mine field of jelly fish stinging your ankles, or god forbid your average sting ray or shark looking to throw down with some tourists in the shallows.

And this isn't to say that I don't enjoy the beach on vacations down south, it's just to say that I'm a bit more leery and watchful, it's a bit hard to relax wading out into the water once you've been stung by an amorphous blob a few times, that will haunt you for life.  

PS: Jellyfish totally get a bad rap though.  A jellyfish never attacked anyone, they can't help that shit, it's just their nature.  They're really chill as hell.  Just bobbing along, eating through osmosis or something.  Living the dream until they wash up on shore to die.  Its actually quite the life.

Canadian Politican Twit Pic's His Penis to the World

TORONTO - Rookie PC candidate George Lepp says he's embarrassed that a photo of his family jewels was posted on his campaign Twitter account for about 20 minutes before it was quickly unzipped. "He is pretty upset and embarrassed," Sakach said of a photo that was posted on Lepp's account Sunday. "It was removed as soon as it came to his attention." The pictures - too graphic to reproduce - are of a man naked from the waist down, showing a close up of his penis and his crossed legs. Sakach said the device was operating on camera mode in his front pant pocket when it went missing. He added that Lepp suspects it was taken as he was jostled by protestors outside the Dixon Rd. convention centre where the Tories met for the party's weekend convention. "It was an unfortunate circumstance," Sakach said Sunday. "This is pretty low and juvenile, and we don't believe it is politically motivated." Lepp, who couldn't be reached for comment, had been filing daily dispatches from the Tory convention to his more than 80 Twitter followers. The photo of a penis on Lepp's Twitter account surfaced as Ontario Conservatives vowed in Toronto to force high-risk sex offenders and other dangerous criminals to wear GPS monitoring bracelets.

Ahh, the old "my phone accidentally took a picture of my dick while in my pocket, and then was conveniently stolen and said picture was twittered to the world" excuse.  Yea buddy, people will believe that one.

For one thing, you're Canadian.  This by law means that you're wearing flannel underwear at all times. So you certainly weren't free balling it, and there's no cell phone camera on earth that has a flash powerful enough to penetrate a pocket and flannel shorts. Your Blackberry isn't an x-ray machine. So addmittedly you were taking candid home photos of your dick, and possibly sexting.

And the whole  "taken by protesters" thing isn't exactly believable either. Again, you're Canadian.  You guys don't protest. And you don't maliciously post incriminating dick shots to twitter of your political rivals.  That game is strictly for American Republicans.  

Plus, why would a thief use your twitter account? You've only got 80 followers. Newsflash buddy, he'd have been much better off emailing said pic to a blog or quasi news website than twittering it to your meager followers.  I mean you're running for election and you have 80 followers! That's the most pathetic part of this whole story.  At least lie and say you had 1,000.  How do you expect to get elected with 80 followers, at least 50 of which are just spammers.

My advice, just own up to it and hope for the Canadian pervert vote...it's your only chance.

So Tupac Isn't Living in a Small Hamlet in New Zealand? Weird.

(CNN) -- Online hackers have pirated the PBS website and posted a false story claiming the rapper Tupac Shakur -- who has been dead for almost 15 years -- is alive and living in New Zealand. The Lulz Boat claims it was "less than impressed" after watching the network's program "WikiSecrets" and "decided to sail our Lulz Boat over the PBS servers for further... perusing." The fake Tupac story claims the rapper was "alive and well in a small resort in New Zealand," citing "locals." It goes on to say a small town there -- unnamed due to security risks -- also housed the late rapper Biggie Smalls for years.

Are people really this dumb? God I hope not.  I mean Tupac, in New Zealand? Do you see this man above? Does he look Kiwi to you? Does he look like he'd fit in amongst the Kiwi's? Didn't think so.

Like yea, haha, it was a good prank, hats off to the hackers, please don't come get me (seriously, please don't). I appreciated the prank, but I'm also severely concerned about the stupidity level of people around the globe. 

I mean people out there were already skeptical that he was dead, as if some mid 20's millionaire gangster rapper could just disappear and blend in somewhere for over a decade, but now you give the conspiracy theorists more fuel? That's just wrong.  High school CW would have been furious. This would bring up a whole new set of theories from the gullible and just plain dumb that I'd have to refute.

And god help the first moron that stumbles over to my cube today to talk about this.  If there's one thing I can't stand (there's millions of things I can't stand) its retarded conspiracy theorists who are willing to believe anything.  Idiots.

Health Study Finds Shocking Results: Kids Don't Need Energy Drinks

CNN - Most children and adolescents do not need sports drinks according to a clinical report published in the journal of the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP). The report also finds that energy drinks are never appropriate for children or teenagers– water should be the primary beverage choice "Some kids are drinking energy drinks – containing large amounts of caffeine – when their goal is simply to rehydrate after exercise,” she said. “This means they are ingesting large amounts of caffeine and other stimulants, which can be dangerous.”

Shocking, you mean kids, with enough energy to power a small metropolitan city, don't need additional energy via energy drinks?  And parents should indulge their children with energy drinks containing 14x the amount of caffeine in your average coca-cola? Just astounding. 

What I find really weird is that the average parent would be taken a-back if I offered their kid a cup of coffee for breakfast, but so many are willing to keep a case of energy drinks readily available in the fridge.  It's the same frigen thing.  Yea little Timmy won't scald his throat with that can of redbull, but he'll still keep you up until 3 watching Dora the Explorer all the same.

The fact that it took a medical study to come to this determination is appalling.  I'd ask the researchers one question: Have you ever observed your average 3-10 year old? Kids can't sit still if you pay them.  Kids literally jump up and down and run in circles for entertainment because they don't know what to do with themselves. No shit they don't need energy drinks, and up until today I was fairly certain the blood of young children was a main ingredient in energy drinks.  I mean how else do these things work?

The Purest Competition in Sport: England's 2011 Cheese Rolling Race is in the Books

Small World News Service -  The world-famous spectacle was abandoned earlier this year after organisers proposed a £20 entrance fee to fund the rising cost of insurance and medical cover. But a large number of dedicated spectators ignored the miserable weather to watch the hardcore cheese rollers stage their own version of the wacky event on Cooper’s Hill, Gloucestershire. Three of this year’s races were won by Chris Anderson, 23, taking the local thrill seeker’s career tally to NINE. And the female race was won by 14-year-old Joanna Guest, from Wolverhampton.

Frigen Brits, sometimes they're so awesome I can't stand it.  Like I was shocked a few months back when I heard this years Cheese Roll even had been canceled due to lack of insurance of all things.  Why was I so taken a-back by the cancellation of a small cultural sport/tradition? Because without a doubt this is the number 1 pseudo sport/tradition in the world that I dream of taking part in some day (Japanese log riding coming in a close second, but the whole fear of being run over by a 1 ton log can't compete with winning a free wheel of cheese).  

 How can it be topped? I mean look at the smile on that girls face to the left? Broken collar bone, grade 3 level sprained ankle, and dirt everywhere.  All worth it for a blood spattered wheel of cheese.  

It's as pure a sport as there is in this world, here's hoping the Tab's popularity picks up and CW can make it over to the otherside of the pond on advertising dollars for 2012.  It's a poor bloggers dream.

Your Drunk Eastern European Harmful Prank of the Week

WTF? Is calling it a prank even technically correct? I mean the guy who just got a door knob impression made on his forehead is laughing.

That's how fucked up Eastern Europe is.  This guy hung upside down from that pull-up bar, full well knowing what was about to happen, and then he thought that shit was hilarious.  Probably wasn't even the first time they've done this either.  They probably have to flip coins or shoot rocks, paper, scissors to determine who gets to have their face smashed in next.  I'd go as far to say that the pull-up bar has never been used for one chin up.  

We're over here playing Mario Kart and Call of Duty and these guy are just playing your average round of Upside Down Face Smash.

Breaking News: That Quasi Hippy English Major Won't Make as Much Money as the Nerdy Civil Engineer

MSNBC - The choice of undergraduate major in college is strongly tied to a student's future earnings, with the highest-paying majors providing salaries of about 300 percent more than the lowest-paying, according to a study released Tuesday. College graduates overall make 84 percent more over a lifetime than those with only high school diplomas, the study said. But further analysis of 171 majors shows that various undergraduate majors can lead to significantly different median wages. Petroleum engineering majors make about $120,000 a year, compared with $29,000 annually for counseling psychology majors, researchers found. Math and computer science majors earn $98,000 in salary while early childhood education majors get paid about $36,000. "It's important that you go to college and get a (bachelor's degree), but it's almost three to four times more important what you take," said Anthony Carnevale, director of Georgetown's Center on Education and the Workforce.

Kinda wish someone broke out these charts and graphs back when CW was a little tike, making his college major choices, but alas, I’m making due with my lot in life, middle manager by day, blogger by night for roughly 70 cents a day.

I mean if anyone ever told me that my PSC major wouldn’t have been worth the paper it was written on without a further law or masters degree and I’d end up middle managing people and slaving away over numbers and excel sheets, well I’d probably have just majored in math or some shit so at least my career path would make sense.  But alas, I listened to Guidance counselors and followed my interests…idiot.

Couple facts from the article:

-"The most popular major group is business, accounting for 25 percent of all students. The least popular are industrial arts and agriculture, with 1.6 percent each." – For kids who are intersted in business, and kids who don’t know what else to take. Facts are facts. I knew dozens of business majors in college, they all thought they were so important and prepared going to all these “presentations and group projects” I’m fairly certain I make more than most of them these days, in their field.  Make of it what you will.

-"Law and public policy has the highest concentration of African-Americans (14 percent)" – Obama must have pushed them over the top?

-"Fields with virtually no unemployment: geological and geophysical engineering, military technologies, pharmacology and school student counseling…"- Huh? Student counseling? This is outright confusing.  Don’t middle schools have like 1 per 600 sutdents or so? And maybe 1 more in highschool?  And what is their job anyway, to blow smoke up kids asses about the future and achieving anything you believe in?  You see Johnny over there with the gauged ears and purple hair, he’s going to be cleaning up shit in the bathroom at McDonald's or joining the military.  That’s it. Those are his choices.  Stop lying to kids for job security. 

-"Fields with the highest unemployment, ranging from 16 percent to 11 percent: social psychology, nuclear engineering, and educational administration and supervision." -  I wonder if the Japanese thing has anything to do with nuclear engineering being on this list?

India Bans Axe TV Commercials Due to Woman Lustily Chasing Men Wearing Deodorant

You're telling me this commute wouldn't be a little more tolerable with deodorant?

BBC - Television channels in India have been ordered not to broadcast "overtly sexual" deodorant adverts that use female models in racy story lines.  "The ads brim with messages aimed at tickling libidinous male instincts," India's information ministry said in a statement. The ministry said that the adverts offended "good taste and decency" and appeared "indecent, vulgar and suggestive" by subtly sending a message that the products "arouse women's sexuality". It said that they portrayed women as "lustily hankering after men under the influence of such deodorants".

Sounds like someone in the Indian government has a serious case of BO.

Seriously what other reason could you have for banning these commercials?  What I'm about to say may be stereotyping (ok it definitely is), but generally speaking, people from India, well, they stink.  Like they smell bad.  And it's not always just the smell of curry.  I mean its a foul BO.  I really don't want to be rude, but the odor can be quite offensive. Not all Indians, but enough for me to be sitting here stereotyping ya'll. 

So really, is an advertising campaign aimed to getting men to clean themselves and practice proper hygiene such a bad thing?  And if you score some strange Punjabi Poon out of the deal, isn't that just a bonus?

Cheerleaders Suspended After Hazing Incident Involving Hot Dogs

EVERETT, Wash. -- The Everett School District has suspended cheerleaders they believe were conducting initiation rituals in violation the district's athletic code. Sources say some of the older cheerleaders on the Jackson High School squad made the new members wear diapers, then shot them with squirt guns and hit them with hot dogs. A mother of an accused cheerleader said the alleged hazing happened inside her home in Bothell. The school district suspended several cheerleaders, saying they violated the athletic code of conduct which prohibits hazing.

You have to watch the video to get the full impact of this story, and to meet the star of this news broadcast, Sebastin Mejia, a young man with his head on straight.  Witness his beautifully simple logic, founded in common sense:

"I just heard they got hit by sausages (smirking)...I thought it was pretty harmless, I mean no one has died from getting hit in the face with a sausage...So I thought the punishment didn't fit the crime."

Amen Sebastin, with that line of thinking you'll always have an open door here at the Tab, assuming blogging for free on as established, yet tiny blog is your sort of thing.  

I mean the whole thing sounds fairly innocent to be honest...I mean what can you do with a hot dog?  They're so damn flimsy, soon as you go to slap someone with it its going to snap...and it's not like they had teenage boys over there watching the girls get hosed down with the squirt guns like some kinda wet t-shirt contest.  All in all it sounds pretty much exactly what teenage CW assumed went on at girls' slumber parties, just lacking the pillow fight.

China Forces Prisoners to Play World of Warcraft

Fox News - A former prisoner of a Chinese labor camp claims guards are forcing detainees to play online games as part of a huge money-making scam. Liu Dali told The Guardian website that guards traded the credits inmates built up playing games such as World of Warcraft for money.  "Prison bosses made more money forcing inmates to play games than they do forcing people to do manual labor," he said. "There were 300 prisoners forced to play games. We worked 12-hour shifts in the camp. I heard them say they could earn 5000-6000rmb a day. "We didn't see any of the money. The computers were never turned off."  He said he would spend his days either breaking rocks or assembling car seat covers and his nights playing computer games. Dali said that if he didn't complete his credit quota, the guards would punish him: "They would beat me with plastic pipes. We kept playing until we could barely see things." The building up and trading of game credits is known as gold farming. Millions of gamers around the world pay real money for the credits in order to save hours of playing time. Gold farming is rampant in China and other developing nations. Many Chinese gamers have full-time jobs as gold farmers but The Guardian story highlights the first time it has been practiced in labor camps. 

Am I the only one that thinks this is awesome? I mean aside from 1000's of nerdy teenagers who are rushing over to China to commit felonies right now?

The prisoner complaining about not seeing any of the money has a lot of nerve huh? Hey buddy, you're a convict, of course you're not getting paid to play video games. I've never played World of Warcraft before in my life (because I'm not a loser) but even I know crushing teenage nerds and trash talking online is a better way to serve time than toiling splitting rocks for absolutely no purpose.  And it definitely beats the American alternative of anal rape...

China may be on to something here.  I have to believe our judicial system's the costly appeals process would see a lot less traffic if everyone knew they were just going to prison to tool around on the computer for 16 hours a day.  That's what con's call "easy time."   Hell it almost sounds like vacation to me.  I'd rather be in Chinese prison than my cube pouring over excel sheets stressed as fuck any day of the week.

UPDATE: Now With Video. My contention still stands, playing video games, even under duress, seems like easy time. Thanks to Newsy for the video.

pp

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Dr Jack: Zack Morris Attorney at Law?

There are few things my generation can all agree on. I’m sure that can be said about most generations, but I feel like now a days everyone loves to play the devil’s advocate and there are only a select amount of universally loved things. I do think it’s safe to say the protagonist of the teen sitcom “Saved by the Bell” is one of them though. Zack Morris is an icon and it’s been both a blessing and a curse for the actor who portrayed him, Mark-Paul Gosselaar.

The sad fact is this, MPG is Zack Morris. Just like Mark Hamill is Luke Skywalker and Jaleel White is Steve Urkel. This happens all the time. James Van Der Beek is so deeply associated with Dawson Leary that in the upcoming ABC pilot “Apartment 23” he’s playing James Van Der Beek! It’s difficult to sympathize with these guys when they’ve undoubtedly seen large profits from their past success. However, it’s also easy to relate to someone not being able to advance in their career because they’re always viewed as set in one role.

After “Saved by the Bell” MPG dyed his hair brown and sought out dramatic roles to help further distance himself from his teen idol past. He played a detective on the last few seasons of “NYPD Blue” and grew his hair long for two seasons of the TNT drama “Raising the Bar” to look even less like Zack Morris. He made other television and film appearances, but the only dramatic role I enjoyed was in the made-for-tv movie “Dying to Belong” with Hilary Swank. Swank’s roommate was killed in a sorority pledging accident or something, and MPG played the love interest (his character’s name was Steven Tyler, ugh). One exception to his dramatic roles was the underrated “Dead Man on Campus”. Say what you will, but I enjoyed this movie a lot and while it wasn’t exactly watching Zack Morris Goes To College (or an R-Rated “Saved by the Bell: The College Years) it was damn close. MPG thrived in the role and displayed the gift he has of turning the constant schemer into someone exceedingly likeable and charming.

Now it appears things have changed for MPG. Maybe it’s the acceptance of his role in pop culture, maybe he realizes shows with comedic tones are more up his alley, or hell, maybe he just needs the money. Whatever it is, it seems like we’re about to be given a glimpse of what Zack Morris grew up to be.

MPG plays lawyer Steven Bash in the upcoming “Franklin and Bash” on TNT. Now just by judging the trailers and what it says on TNT.com, Bash and partner Jared Franklin are two unorthodox ambulance chasers that catch the eye of the head of a big firm. The two are tapped to enlist in the corporate ranks and then hijinks ensue. One thing I was very happy to read is the romantic storyline will focus on Franklin, leaving Bash to be going after different chicks every week. As happy as I was when Zack and Kelly danced outside the prom, I always enjoyed single Zack more. And really, was there any doubt at all that Zack Morris was going to grow up to be a lawyer someday?

I don’t know if “Franklin and Bash” is going to make it. I’ve never watched a TNT series so frankly (haha!) I don’t have high hopes. But I can say I always root for MPG. He gave me as much enjoyment in my childhood as any character from TV, movies or books. He might not be the best actor in the world but there’s still enough talent there where MPG should be a part of our lives. Next Wednesday at 9pm, I’m going to be very happy to welcome MPG/Zack Morris/Steven Bash back into mine and I don’t think I’ll be alone.

And if there’s a part where he looks at the camera and says, “Timeout” I’m going to lose it.

-Dr. Jack

Boston is the Safest City for Pedestrian Walkers? What?

Navigating the streets with these double length bus/trolley transvestite combos isn't safe by anyone's standards

Boston Globe - America's safest city for pedestrians? Boston? Tell that to anyone who has ever hopped from island to island at Kenmore, forded four lanes of traffic and two lanes of trolleys on Huntington Avenue, or slammed on the brakes to avoid the legions crossing against the light.  And yet, the Hub came out best today on a ranking from a national advocacy coalition. Among the 52 metropolitan areas with at least 1 million residents, Florida claimed four of the five worst spots in the "Dangerous by Design 2011" report from Transportation for America, which advocates for more transportation spending, emphasizing walking, biking, and mass transit. The Sun Belt proved most dangerous, reflecting the hazards of setting out on foot in sprawling cities built up in an era when planners focused on making roads wider and faster for cars -- and where drivers are less accustomed to pedestrians. "Everybody calls Boston America's most European city, and so it's no coincidence that we've got a relatively low fatality rate," said Furth, who is not affiliated with the report. "In German cities, Dutch cities, Swedish cities, the pedestrian fatality rates are still three times less than ours, so we still have lessons to learn."

Listen, I love Boston as much as the next guy, but in all fairness here, I think Florida is just getting a bad rap.  I mean you can’t tell me that a state with some of the top universities in the world doesn’t have an inherent advantage over a state where Dade Community college is considered one of the better higher learning institutions. 

If you’re from florida and having a hard time following me here, I’m saying you’re just a bit dumber than the rest of us up here. It’s not you fault, you’re a product of your education system, but facts are facts.  I mean we have above ground trains, the silver line, double length busses, illegal immigrants, a city where people actually work (sorry there Disney world doesn’t count) with people commuting in and out by car all day long.  It’s not safer, we just remember things like, look both ways, and if the light is green there’s probably a car coming.  And the whole having jobs thing doesn’t hurt, not as many people looking for a quick cash infusion via personal injury law suits.

PS: I've never heard anyone call Boston "America's most European city." That's not a thing, you just made that up. 

Even the Drunk Parrots in Australia have more Rights than Fun Loving Americans

Metro UK - The birds are thought to get into their inebriated state by eating a particular plant that makes them exhibit all the tendencies of having overdone it on the sauce.  According to Ark Animal Hospital vet Dr Stephen Cutter, the birds act in a drunken manner and then fall over: ‘It's probably a plant with alcohol, or toxins in a plant making it worse’. The birds typically start out by making a lot of racket on a Friday night at the Palmerston Markets, followed by more loud drunken behaviour before they eventually fall over. The morning after is said to be very bad for the seriously hungover parrots, who can be sick for up to three days.

 I think this pretty clearly illustrates the difference between us and Australians.  Australians are content to laugh and drink along side the birds, and all in all are down for a good time.  Americans would criticize, impose bird age and substance limits and all in all look to ban the bird population from making their own decisions and having a good time.  Pretty glaring difference.

On the other hand, we'd also be on the hunt to find out what the fuck it is these Wine-o birds are eating and bottle that shit up for college kids consumption.  Sounds like a potential gold mine, until the inevitable college kid passes out while trying to fornicate a drunk pigeon he lured into his dorm with his Tropic Juice (TM pending) and the resulting pictures go viral on Facebook.

By the way, the actual headline for this article: "Drunk Parrots Acting Up and Falling Out of the Sky in Australia (Again)." 

How to Write an Epic Cover Letter...This Guy Definitely Got the Job

Here's a free tip to college seniors looking for a job from a hiring middle manager sifting through countless boring and redundant cover letters and resumes....I'd much rather see an original, creative, funny as shit cover letter like this, than one more touting your involvement int eh student tutor center, president of some made up club with like 3 people in it, or some whole paragraph dedicated to your senior business project.  

Sorry, I know you have to put that shit on there, it's not like you have any real world relevant experience, but you're all the same. Really, you are.  

I get it, you went to college, you took part in classes, and in senior year you figured you should get invovled in some clubs because it would look good on your resume.  Guess what, I don't give a shit.  This isn't your college application, your extra curriculars don't mean anything to me.  You could have slept and drank your way through your free time or read to the blind and walked little old ladies across the street, doesn't make a difference to me.  

And for the love of God, do not refer back to your resume during the interview with me. I hate that.  I've read the thing, you've made it to the interview, that's as far as that piece of paper is going to take you.  From here on out its up you you, your charm, and your ability to speak like an adult.  No amount of embellished accomplishments, or big fancily worded action words that you found while googling "how to write a resume" , or fake references are going to help you now....that is unless you've put together an A+ hysterical cover letter like my man above. He'd be hired.  

What I'm saying is, yes, bullshit your way through your resume, it'll get you in the door, but once you're in the door, it's on you.  That resume isn't worth the piece of paper you printed it on at that point.  Be real, answer a few questions in a straight forward manner, and prove to me that you're not still a child. That's all I'm looking for.

Couple Floods House After Assault Rifle Target Practice in the Bedroom Punctures the Washing Machine

Standard AR-15 Assault Rifle, Common Household Gun

Officials are investigating a weekend incident during which a man indicated his wife fired an AR-15 rifle at a target inside a master bedroom closet, missing the target and blasting holes in a washing machine. When deputies on Sunday entered the home in the 5700 block of Spanish River Road, they found "a lot of water on the floor covering most of the residence," according to recently released St. Lucie County Sheriff's Office records.  They had a "good evening," but started arguing on Sunday about reconciling. She said she told her husband she didn't want to get back together because she has a new boyfriend. She said her husband "went crazy" and started shooting indoors. She said he was firing close to her and thought he was trying to scare her. She said blood on her legs came from "the bullets hitting the washing machine and the metal shards hitting her." The woman, however, said she also was shooting with her husband. Asked to write a sworn statement, she said, "I'll try my best but I'm drunk."  "Both parties were advised to stay away from each other," the report states. It wasn't immediately clear what the husband was grilling.

You have to wonder why these two crazy kids can't just work this out.  I mean they obviously share common interests, such as setting up targets in the master bedroom closet and firing military grade machine guns into it, and grilling food, and I'm sure there are others.  I mean if that's not love, then what else is it?  And as the song says, "all you need is love." 

So what if hubby missed and the errant bullet sprayed a little shrapnel from the washing machine into your leg.  Stitches can fix that.  But there aren't any stitches that I know of that will fill the hole in your heart after your one shot at true love walks out that door in handcuffs for felony firing an assault rifle inside a domicile after you've reported him.  That tends to be a deal breaker.

PS: I was wondering what he was grilling, seems like shoddy reporting not to have that info.

Hardcore Xbox Trash Talking Caught on Video (Bonus, liberal use of the N-word!)

DAMN! Xbox is hard as fuck!.  My unit got the 3 red lights of death like 3 years ago, never felt compelled to get it fixed, until just now.

Shit has apparently gotten real serious since  I left the Xbox community.  First of all, I didn't even know you could send voice mails, never mind thought out the possibilities rants and trash talking laden with racial profanities that you could send smug gamer nerds.  I would have been all about that.  

Half the reason I haven't bothered to get the Xbox fixed is because of those nerds, CW couldn't even play a simple session of Halo with out getting his ass blown up every 3.5 seconds, that wasn't fun.  Just once I would have liked to enter a session with people like me, normal folk who have other priorities than getting their gamer rank up.  

If I'd known I could have gone around offending people throwing out "good games" and leaving hardcore profanity laced voicemails I would have been much more on board.

Michigan Teen Got Raptured Like You Read About

MLive - They jumped off the bridge into the Kalamazoo River to celebrate that the world did not end. But that spontaneous celebration resulted in the apparent drowning of a 18-year-old Kalamazoo youth. Two hours later, Jordan Skinner-Knapp was standing in the parking lot of Comstock's Merrill Park. Still wet, he was thinking about his friend, Anthony Alexander Johnson, who was swept away in the river's current. Jordan, 15, said he and a group of five friends went to Merrill Park on Saturday, the day the world was suppose to end according to a highly publicized prediction by evangelist Harold Camping. Jordan said they told Johnson to not go into the water because he said he couldn't swim well.

You just got Raptured.

Looks like the rapture didn’t sneak by so quietly after all…Like hey kids, you may want to give it a few minutes, maybe your clocks and watches weren’t completely synched up to Rapture time? Or maybe shit was going down in some other time zone you weren’t aware of.  All I’m saying is I didn’t really breathe easy until about 9:05 Eastern time, when I knew it was clear cut that the continental United States had all made it past the 6pm rapture deadline.  Once it was beyond the coast of CA I couldn’t have cared less what happened, sorry Alaska and Hawaii(but lets be honest, you guys really do your own thing 95% of the time anyway, only come back to be part of the union once every 4 years to vote). 

By the way, just cuz the rapture passed doesn’t mean you’re all of a sudden invincible.  If you couldn’t swim 10 minutes ago, you still can’t, especially not in a freezing cold river. Of course common sense seems to escape most delusional doomsday believers.

The Asian News Communit Really Captured the Spirit of the Rapture (video)

Credit the Asian cartoon news community, this is legit the best explanation of what was to be the Rapture yet. Not gonna lie, even with all that was reported on it the past few weeks, I wasn't quite sure what we were supposed to expect, gonna be honest, I would have been a bit more on board if I'd seen this ahead of time.  

Ghosts just high fiving people, skeletons riding horses and decapitating the heathens, and alians ripping bong hits of Earth, the whole thing seems pretty bad-ass if you ask me, kinda disappointed we missed it now.

Though, I do have to wonder about Asian morals, I mean was that Hitler in heaven standing along side MJ at the 50 second mark (pictured below)?  That seems odd, no?

NFL Players Hire Ray Lewis to Negotiate on Their Part, Threatens Owners with Crime Out of Boredom

ESPN - One of the consequences of a lost NFL season will be an increase in crime, Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis said in a wide-raging one-on-one interview with ESPN... "Do this research if we don't have a season -- watch how much evil, which we call crime, watch how much crime picks up, if you take away our game," Lewis told ESPN's Sal Paolantonio. That's because, Lewis said, the NFL lockout affects "way more than us" -- the owners and the players. "There's too many people that live through us, people live through us," he said. "Yeah, walk in the streets, the way I walk the streets, and I'm not talking about the people you see all the time."When asked why he thought crime would increase if the NFL doesn't play games this year, Lewis said: "There's nothing else to do Sal."

Umm, someone better get Ray Lewis an offseason job, and quick.  Trust me Ray, we believe you, no one wants to see you bored. I mean you stabbed a guy the night before you played in the Super Bowl, I can't even imagine what you do when you've got this much down time, and frankly I don't want to, probably planning mass genocides over seas.

And he wasn't even bored that night.

And I know he's crazy as fuck, just teetering on the edge every single day of his life, but I do wonder if the players association paid him to come out all crazy eyed, speaking in his hushed tones, threatening to kill people out of boredom as a brilliant negotiating move.  There can't be a rich white owner in the game who didn't shit themselves just a little bit watching that.  Not the man you want upset at you, guys, better get this thing fixed. 

People of Walmart, Now in Music Video Form!

Favorite line: "No Shirt, No Shoes, Oops I took a Poop"

It's like I've met my kindred blogging spirit, only in video form, and way more creative than my usual snarky rants.  

I seriously wonder if I could convince this talented, once in a generation, visionary of an artist to provide original content once in a while, this is definitely what this blog lacks, original awesome content.  Sadly I'm not the guy for that job. I'm much more content and suited for making fun of other people's work. 

By the way, went to Target last night, they are definitely winning this battle.  They had a full on Starbucks inside, genius.  Clearly looking to attract, the clean, civilized human beings (and myself) and their disposable incomes...As opposed to land monsters and creatures on government assistance.  That's no way to build a business.

I think Ron Artest May Be A Hipster (video evidence)

You know how I know Ron Artest is truly crazy (you know, aside from the normal visual evidence he provides)?

Ron Artest posts his phone number on Twitter. He has met up with fans to play Monopoly. He met his next door neighbor and found out she was a musician and recorded a country music song with her. He asked his fans on twitter one night what they were all doing and then showed up at a random Filipino family’s home to have dinner with them and sing karaoke (legit video footage above). And he tracked down John Green, the man who threw the drink on him in Auburn Hills that sparked the fight that nearly derailed his career, and called him up on the phone to apologize and to see if they could work together.

Turns out he's more than just crazy, huh? Ron Artest is a full blown hipster.  Meeting up for beach bbq's with random vato's, karaoking at some Filipino families house (I'm just glad they were Asian and had a spare digital camera or 4 to record this moment), and recording country music songs?   That's as Hipster as it gets my friends. Sure he might not dress the part, but then again he has a real job and real money so he doesn't have to shop the local thrift stores.

In all seriousness though, Ron Artest is the most interesting man in the NBA, right?  He presumably bowls overhand and pounds Dos Equis? I mean I used to assume his career would end in a homicidal rage but now I just kinda feel left out not living in the same area as he does.  Any chance the Celts could trade for this guy so I could hit him up on Twitter and see if he'd like to share a Scorpion Bowl at Kowloon? I think he'd be down for that.

Do Backyard Ninja's and Storm Trooper Raise Property Values?

Just once I wish I lived next to one of these backyard ninja's or Storm Troopers, can't hurt property values, right? Crime rates probably drop to 0, no need for Neighborhood Watch or Crime Dog McGruff, this guy's got that shit on lock with his energy swords. 

And say what you want, he's a dork, a nerd, the swords are plastic and wouldn't hurt anyone, etc... All true.  But there is also something a little un-nerving about a grown man in his backyard filming laser sword routines.  Just the right kind of crazy that'll make you think before you rob this guys home or any of his neighbors. Do you really know what he's capable of? No, you don't.

PS: Do you need a permit for light sabers?  Seems like something you'd some kind of burn/firearm permit combo.

Sorry Guys, The Tab's Taking the Day Off

Sorry ya'll, just a day off from the blog to recharge my batteries.  I'll be honest, I was completely unprepared this morning, went to the sox last night, got in late and now have nothing ready to go.  Didn't even snag a funny story on the subway, which previous to yesterday I figured was impossible. 

We'll be back full for tomorrow, as snarky and cynical as ever, until then I'll leave you with my favorite Stay at Home Dad video, a shoe in for Father of the year.

Stay At Home Dad Channel
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Brothers Arrested During Machete vs: Crow Bar Fight

PITTSFIELD (AP) - A Pittsfield man and his brother are facing assault charges after the Pittsfield man was knocked unconscious in a "very bloody" brawl with his brother that involving a machete and a crowbar. Police said Thursday the fight began after 55-year-old Paul Kwasniowski of Pittsfield attacked his brother, 59-year-old John of Las Vegas, at his Pittsfield house Wednesday. John said he disarmed his younger brother by hitting him with a crowbar. Officials said Paul, who ran unsuccessfully for Pittsfield mayor in 2009, was knocked unconscious and was taken to Berkshire Medical Center. Officials said he suffered a skull fracture. John pleaded not guilty Thursday to an assault charge in Central Berkshire District Court. Paul also faces assault charges. It was unclear if the men had attorneys.

If I had a nickel for every brotherly tussle I've had in my life with my inferior in every way younger brother, I'd be rich, and never once did the cops interfere, and that's the way it should have been here.  

Sure in our case we were more horse playing than anything, worst thing that could have happened was one of us cracking our head on the fireplace or something (or that one time I caught him in the face with a bat, but that was a total accident) but really it's not all that different from your standard brotherly machete/crow bar fight.  In fact, if my parents had been wise enough to keep machetes in the home I'm sure we'd have been delighted to duel. 

And I'd still maintain that it would have been none of the police's business. As long as its a fair fight they have the right to work it out amongst themselves.  And a machete vs crow bar is as fair as it gets (if the fight had taken place while riding motorcycles it would have been the exact settings of Sega's Roadrash).  

PS: Wonder why he lost the election for Mayor, seems like a stable, qualified person.

Man Arrested for Public Masturbation Claims the Plaintiff Wasn't the Intended Victim

The Smoking Gun - Meet Paul Payton. The Louisiana man was arrested yesterday after a woman complained that he “exposed his genitals and began masturbating several different times.” Video of this affront--which allegedly occurred near a boat dock while Payton was seated in his Mitsubishi--was captured by the woman on her cellphone. When approached by a Monroe Police Department officer, Payton, 43, admitted to masturbating in public, according to a probable cause affidavit. But the suspect offered a curious justification: “The act,” he reported, “was intended for another female that was parked by the victim.” The affidavit does not further describe for whom the act was actually “intended,” or whether this other woman was aware (or desirous) of Payton’s gift.

Your honor, in fairness, my client wasn't even fantasizing about the plaintiff. He was whacking it to a whole other woman entirely, this is just an honest mistake.  Without intent this is 2nd degree public masturbation at best. 

And it's not like he was out there in the open, he was seated in the privacy of his car.  Who's this nosy lady who took it upon herself to film him like the Peeping Tom that she is?  Doesn't Louisiana have consent laws?  Because I doubt the dude was ok with some random taping him jacking off, seems like your ordinary average guy who's not into that kind of stuff.  I'd counter-suit her ass so fast.

Does Beyonce have Michael Jackson's Disease?

Beyonce? Is that you?

Caught this awkwardly horrible music video of Beyonce the other night, and didn't know what to think.  It legit took me about 3 minutes to figure out that it was indeed Beyonce.  I mean, am I crazy, or does Beyonce have the White? Like straight up MJ disease, except without Michael Jackson's caved in nose and leanings towards pedophelia (I assume).  She's even turning blonde, which I didn't think was part of the whole deal but apparently it is.

It's either that or she has a serious case of white pop star envy, just trying to emulate these other dance pop craze weirdo's that are all the rage these days, Ke$ha, Gaga, Katy Perry, and to some extent Britney.  But that just doesn't seem likely for someone with sooo much artistic integrity, I mean she wrote Single Ladies, no way she'd be jealous of Ke$sha, right?

So clearly Beyonce has the White. MJ disease strikes down another star in their prime.  Jay-Z must be wallowing in depression.

It's Not Always About You, Nancy Kerrigan.

WAKEFIELD - Olympic skater Nancy Kerrigan has been involved in minor car accident in Wakefield just hours after attending her brother's manslaughter trial in the death of their father. Wakefield police said the accident happened on New Salem Street Thursday afternoon. No injuries were reported. A spokeswoman for Kerrigan said she had a problem with a loose tire on her car and "she's just fine."

Jesus, Nancy, attention whore much?  We get it, it's all about you..."why me, why me, why me."  It's the same  shit over and over again, it's getting old.  "Why did I get clubbed in the knee ruining my shot at Olympic gold', "why did my brother have to kill my father" , "why did I have to get in a car accident."  Talk about narcissism.  It's not all about you.

Sometimes people just get clubbed in the knee, it happens, not often in the figure skating world, but it does happen.  And sometimes fathers and sons bear hug each other to the death, and even more often than that people get in car accidents.  The difference is we don't all run out and use the national news media as our own personal diary like a teenage girl.  

We've all got issues Nancy, we've all metaphorically been clubbed in the knee, or had a family member murder another. Could you do us all a favor, and quit calling the news over these every day events?

Thanks.

Oklahoma Teens Lighting Each Other on Fire for Fun...Apparently this Worries Parents and Teachers

DEL CITY, Oklahoma -- Oklahoma teens are taking part in a disturbing trend… they are setting themselves and their friends on fire. Dozens of YouTube videos document the fad. Teens are spraying their skin with highly flammable body spray, then lighting it on fire. Some use the spray to make fireballs and throw it at each other. A source tells News 9, a Shawnee 8th grader tried the trick with disastrous results. The girl received third degree burns and has been out of school for several weeks. Teachers and school counselors are aware kids are trying this at home.   This trend is not just happening in Shawnee. A group of teens in Del City, say they have tried it before. Nat Palmer did it out of curiosity, " What can you say, we're just kids." "Unfortunately, most teenagers think they are bulletproof," said Dr. Herbert Meites, of the Integris Paul Silverstein Burn Center.

Uh, no Dr. Meites, they don't think they're bullet proof, they think they're fire retardant.  Try and keep up.  And for that matter, it kind of sounds like they are.  I mean no one has died a horrible death yet, right?  Sure there's that one girl who's never going to looks the same, but other than that no issues, right?

It's not like they're chugging 4Loko and dying or anything, it's just fire, everyone relax.  People have been playing with fire for eons and eons, ever since Cave-teenagers figured out that rubbing two sticks together and then flinging the resulting flames at each other was a wicked fun time (end result, Laser Tag, thank you cave teenagers, thank you.).

Plus, like the dude said, just kids being kids.  Sometimes you just have to learn by doing.  There's only so often you can tell your kid that fire is hot before you have to just let him light his pantleg on fire and figure it out on his own. 

Financial Information for Massachusetts Unemployed Hacked...What a Waste of Hackers Time

Boston Globe - The personal financial information of up to 210,000 unemployed Massachusetts residents may have been stolen in a data breach caused by a virus discovered in state labor department computers four weeks ago, officials said yesterday. Names, addresses, and Social Security numbers, among other data, may have been taken, said John Glennon, chief information officer for the Massachusetts Executive Office of Labor and Workforce Development. The number of affected recipients is probably a small fraction of the total number of potential victims, according to Glennon. The virus attempted to transmit confidential information to digital thieves, he added, but it was not clear how much, or even whether, any data was successfully stolen.

Not to be crass here, but I don’t think the hysteria is necessary.  I mean these are people on the unemployment list, right? What is someone going to do with their social security number? Get denied for a bank loan? Hack their emptied account? 

If ever there was a time for your shit to get hacked, when you're on unemployment is it. Plus if you’re newly unemployed this is your chance to strike it rich.  Get down to some ATM  you’ve never used before (drive out of state, we know you’ve got nothing else to do, you’ve got no job) and withdraw everything you’ve got.  Go home, claim fraud and you’re set.  You’ve just doubled your net assets without breaking a sweat.

Walmart Blames Falling Profits on Rising Gas Prices...Which Makes No Sense at All

Could be the gas prices, could also be the beached whales napping in your stores.

WSJ - Wal-Mart Stores Inc. Chief Executive Mike Duke reaffirmed the company's commitment to get U.S. sales back on track, but said customers are increasingly finding it hard to spend. There is "more pressure today than a year ago" on Wal-Mart's core customers, Mr. Duke said at an executive breakfast sponsored by The Wall Street Journal. (News Corp. owns The Wall Street Journal.) Customers continue to do heavy shopping at the beginning of the month when paychecks come in, but buying tapers off after that, showing they are already struggling. Consumers are now further pressured by rising fuel costs.

Yea, keep dreaming guys.  Dwindling sales and profits can't really be blamed on the gas crisis (yea, I've personally elevated it to the status of crisis) in this case.  People should be flocking to one stop shopping centers, specifically discount retailers, like Walmart during a period of gas inflation.  The less stops you have to make the better.  

May want to go back to the drawing board guys, could be because of rising gas prices, but its more likely your merchandise may suck and your clientele makes shopping in your stores undesireable for the every day, sanitary, human being.

If I have a choice of paying a few cents more at Target to shop in somewhat of a civilized setting I'll take it any day of the week. Clean it up guys, maintain some level of decency and order in your stores and maybe people will come back.  If I have to keep navigating unruly children who've been dropped off to your store as a form of day care, while dodging Land Monsters dressed in impossibly tight sweat pants and T-shirts 1 size too small I'm going to continue shopping elsewhere, even if it costs me more in gas.

Politicians Ask, Should there be a Driving Tax...Umm There Already is, Like 4 of them Actually.

NEW YORK - Lawmakers in Washington are pondering a new idea to help raise funds to fix highways and infrastructure. The national driving tax -- officially known as a "vehicle miles traveled" tax -- would charge motorists by the mile, CNN reported. The tax could either replace the current 18.4 cent a gallon federal gas tax or add to it. The current gas tax that funds the federal government's efforts to build and maintain highways is not generating enough money because greater fuel economy is letting motorists drive more miles using less gas. There's currently no bill proposing such a tax, but lawmakers are looking into it. Since motorists are already paying near-record gas prices, the driving tax could be a tough sell. A similar idea was proposed by Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick in 2009. Patrick wanted to use GPS chips in vehicles to charge people for the miles they drive. The plan is s called a “Vehicle Miles Traveled” program and would replace the gas tax by 2014.

Umm, WHAT?!  So what exactly does my gas tax count as? Or the excise tax, or buying new tires every time one of the  pot holes that the state didn't use my afforementioned taxes on to fix blows a tire, or toll booths, registration fees, License renewal fees, and State Inspection fees.  Do those not all count as taxes on driving?  

Should there be a tax on driving? How about go fuck yourself for even bringing this up.  I'm going to come down to the State House with a big sign that just says fuck you if this makes it to the vote.  

How about we tax you for being government hacks?  No, your income tax, real estate tax, and whatever else you pay isn't enough. We just need to tax you for existing and going about your day just like this would for the average normal person.  Pricks.  

 

Here's an idea, cut pensions, make public workers work until they're 65 like the rest of us, revamp medicare and social security, and stop padding government contracts, and for the love of God stop funding Pakistan.  If you've done all that, then come talk to me about additional driving taxes...Oh yea, and shut down the $7 billion loss of a toilet that is the US Post Office.  Sorry the days where an army of men riding on horses delivering letters being necessary has long passed, stop wasting our money.

Mother Run's Down Daughter with Car In Walmart Parking Lot (with video footage!)

ABC - A mother in Sandusky is facing charges, accused of running over her 19-year-old daughter in a Walmart parking lot. Police say Michelle Touma was fighting with her daughter Emily before the incident. Surveillance video shows the girl getting out of the car and hitting the hood. Then mom pulls forward, clipping the teen. Officers say the mom claims she was going to drive by with her window down and smack her daughter in the head in retaliation for striking the vehicle. Instead, Michelle knocks Emily to the ground, runs over the girl's foot, then gets out of the car. Area mothers say kids need discipline, but not that kind. "That's outrageous. That's your child. No matter what they did or said you shouldn't react like that," said one mother. The teen was treated for her injury and released. As for her mom, she's charged with aggravated vehicular assault and domestic violence.

Just because I'm starting to feel compelled to bring you any random events or happenings at Walmart at this point...

Someone might want to coach the mother on lines to use when being questioned with the cops in the future.  I kind of feel something along the lines of "my foot got stuck on the gas," would have been better than "I swerved to smacker her in the head out my window and accidentally ran her over."  I'm just not sure that defense will play well with a jury.


PS: Safe to say whatever they were arguing over, the teen won, right? I mean once your mom runs you over in a public parking lot I'd imagine she's pretty much wrapped around your finger for a while.

I thought Boston's Public Transportation Sucked, Boarding A Bus in Russia Requires a Machine Gun

I'm gonna go ahead and assume that the usual bus fare was waved, and you know what, I think I'm ok with that.

Wow, and I thought catching a cab after a night of drinking otuside Faneuil Hall was a bitch.  Life's hard as hell over there in mother Russia.  Gotta pull a sub-machine gun just to board public transportation?  Maybe we should be bitching just a bit less about the MBTA after seeing this. 

PS: LOVE the guy in the back seat who just waved at him once he shouldered his weapon.  Just a casual hello, like they share the same commute each day, just crazy Boris being Boris.