100 Year old Doctor Still Making House Calls

The senior circuit ain't never seen anything like me before

Dr. Fred Goldman still makes house calls. He must, he explains. That’s where the patients are. “If they’re sick and can’t leave home,” he said, “I go to see them.” On Monday, they came to see him. Patients, friends and family — some using walkers, some in strollers — gathered in numbers passing the century mark at the Avondale office Goldman calls “the dump,” to throw a surprise birthday party for the internist who is the oldest licensed physician practicing medicine in the state of Ohio. Dr. Fred Goldman is 100.

Big Whoop Padre, 100 is for suckers, have I ever told you guys I'm living until I'm 136 (at least)? That's right, me and the Maestro (@mazz33) have a standing wager that I, CW, your fearless leader, will be still kicking at 136 years old. The year will be 2120, mark it on your smartphones. 

The logic? Between the advances in modern science, technology, and healthcare, and my moderate level of income, I just can't see myself succumbing to some average sickness or disease. I escaped all the youthful pratfalls like AIDS, Polio, Malaria, and TB, so I'd say I'm in the clear on this one. The terms of the bet do not include Murder, or catastrophic deaths like plane crashes, or being blown away by hurricanes. It does include drowning, because lets face it, if I drown, that's my own fault (excluding Titanic like situations where my boat capsizes). This is strictly based on death by natural causes. 

One thing we haven't figured out is how to arrange payment, my problem is, Maestro will probably be long dead by my 136 birthday, and I'm not going to be left holding the bag for gambling welch just because he died like 40 years ago. So we're going to need to look into setting up some kind of living trusts, with a will declaring who gets the funds in the events of both our demises. If for some reason my projections for the healthcare industry are wrong and I only live until 126 or something, I want to make sure I go out a gentelman, my debt paid in full. Since, again, Maestro will have been long dead by that point, I'm going to need a list of descendants that the trust can be released to in the event of my death.

So clearly we've got a few details to iron out, but the main point of the story is, this Doc can calm down on the bragging about still making house calls at 100. Mildly impressive, but nothing compared to the Pick-Up Kickball league championship I'm going to win when I'm like 110. 

I Refuse to Use Any Website that Doesn't List "United States" First in its Drop Down Box

What the shit is this, right? What kind of website has a country selection page where "United States" isn't the first selection in a drop down box? Does the President know about this?  Are we now, as Americans, second class citizens like all the rest of the world?

I'll be damned if this is how its going to be from here on out, I didn't work hard to be born in the best country in the free world, just have to have to scan through a shmorgasboard of Gambia's, Cape Verde's, Angola's, and Qatar's just to find my country. That shit is for suckers. Suckers that used to be the rest of the world.

If we allow this to happen, whats next?  We can't allow this. It's a slippery slope, one second you're living in the number one country in the world, so beloved that websites everywhere decide your national standing supercedes the laws of Alphabetical order, the next we're placed on an equal playing field with the rest of the world, forced to drive Prius's, gym classes are cancelled forever, and the people behind the "Happy Holiday's" movement are winning.

No, I will not stand for this kind of mockery. Just like we as a country banded together back in 2001 to unilaterally re-brand French Fries, "Freedom Fries," we need to take a stand and boycott any and all websites in the far reaches of the world wide web that choose to dispute our standing as dominant global leaders, and head internet trolls.

Live News Blunder Show Down: Freudian Hooters Slip vs. Classic Boner Prank

The Contenders:

VS

"Congratulations On Your Big Hooters" - Watch MoreFunny Videos

Play it cool fellas, no need to be so blunt, you're both on TV, the women will come to you. God, relax.

80% of the reason you choose a career on TV in the first place is so that you don't have to chase women and look all desperate anymore, get your shit together. 

But back to the question at hand, which blunder was more embarrassing? I've gotta go with Mr. Boner Billboard over here...not a good look fella. It's one thing to slip up and mention a girls hooters, it's happened to the best of us at least once, plus there's always the chance she found it to be a complement and was into it.  Its another to be so desperate that you have to draw attention to your hard-on's. 

Boners by nature are kind of creepy, the word boner itself is awkward, you basically can't say boner in society without A) Being a pedophile, B) Being aged 8 and first figuring out what it means and then its hilarious, or C) being a cast member in a Judd Apatow movie.

The Whole Point of Holiday Gag Gifts is Lost on Me Completely.

(CNN) -- If your gift list this year includes gadget-obsessed early adopters who love snatching up the latest electronics, you're in luck. Why not give them an iArm -- an adjustable forearm mount that will let them fiddle with their smartphone, laptop and tablet computer all at the same time? Or for the e-geek on the go, consider the iDrive. Because, let's be honest, we all need a steering-wheel mount to help play with our tablets and e-readers while we're driving. (What could go wrong?) Sound ridiculous? Well, sure. But these gag products may at least let you fool your family and friends for a few seconds.

I honestly just don't get gag gifts, I just don't see the point. Sure I've purchased them from time to time, but only when I'm involved in some kind of hokey gift swap where I'm probably going home with a long range nerf rifle or something. Otherwise, aren't you just burning money? Rich readers can stop reading right now, but for the rest of you, what kind of statement are you making when you go out and just throw away $20 on some ridiculous gag gift? 

Especially adults, you know what a gag gift as an adult should be? A bottle of booze. If you're going to a gift swap and your gift isn't alcohol related, just know you're an ass. Sure it'll get a few laughs but at first, but at the end of the day, the guy that ended up going home with a copy of Brokeback Mountain and a box of Kleenex will hold that against you forever (true story), similarly if someone gets stuck with a carpenters tool belt and a Ricky Martin picture book, they'll forever assume you're into some weird stuff...its more of a reflection of your tastes than a joke on me (also a true story).  

Part of the reason I'm so vehemently against gag gifts too, is because of the setting they're usually given in, the office. Personally I have a hard time finding that line that you cannot cross (though previously I would have assumed Brokeback and Kleenex was it), god forbid I run down to my local Amazing and pick up a blow up doll and some lube and all of a sudden I've offended the office administrator. 

Similarly, things that others consider gag gifts, I just consider thoughtful presents. That long range nerf sniper rifle with scope I mentioned? Still one of the top 5 Christmas gifts I've ever gotten. Never jams, very accurate, and it's gotten me out of a situation or two in the streets, frankly. But someone totally brought that thinking that the receiver would hate it (presumably because they work in a professional office and weren't aware that a certain middle manager spends his lunch break over at Target drooling over the new shipments of Nerf artillery), probably pissed them off that I loved it. I know if I was giving a horrendous gift (say a roll of toilet paper and a gift card to a local burrito chain...also true), and someone absolutely loved it, that would throw me for a loop as well. All that planning to try and mildly offend someone, without crossing the line, gone, because the person that ended up with your gift is a weirder bird than you are...that's infuriating. 

So this holiday season, keep it simple, don't go for that goofy theme based snuggy, thinking you're original (snuggy's are so 2009 peeps), just grab a bottle of Vodka, slap a bow on it, and maybe throw in a scratch ticket or two. Trust me, it'll go over huge.