I don't know either, Mr. Bean
As a member of Generation Y, I (as well as my entire reader demographic, I assume) have been bombarded by advertisements and promotional efforts seemingly since I came out of the womb. It wouldn’t shock me at all to hear my parents tell me my delivery room in the hospital was sponsored by some sort of corporate entity. Despite the unique ability to completely ignore 99.9 % of these messages that come from companies trying to get me to pay money I don’t have for useless shit I don’t need, there are some that stick out of my mind because they are so fantastically awful. These efforts to reach consumers essentially serve as anti-marketing because I will actively go out of my way to purchase from whoever your competition happens to be since your commercial was so shitty. I handpicked some current spots that are running on TV that I just wanted to tear apart for their futility, despite how awesome and creative these advertising executives seem to think they are. Note to these guys: Just because something seems funny when you and your MBA toting asshole colleagues from Harvard Business school when you are high in a corporate board room, this in no way reflects the sentiment from everyone else. A friendly FYI from me to you.
1.) The Geico Cavemen
I was going to go least awful to the most horrifically terrible, but I just can’t restrain the unfathomably large degree of hatred I have for this series. You (the cavemen collectively) are not FUCKING FUNNY. You are pretentious douchebags who seem to think that you are a great deal smarter than everyone else. The fact you are directly associated with the cute little British Gecko that has been the face of the company is a massive shitstain on my perception of your brand. If the “Geico” logo wasn’t plastered on every surface visible in the ad, not a single person would have a fucking clue what you were trying to shove down our throats. Know how much we the people hate the Cavemen? The terrible TV series some fucktard ran featuring them ran for 2 episodes TOTAL. That’s Check and mate, get this shit off the air permanently.
2.) Bob’s Discount Furniture
I know it’s your name in the company Bob, but for the sake of everything good in this world, that does not mean your hideously disgusting mug needs to be displayed prominently in your commercials. To make matters worse, you have the most awkward camera presence I’ve ever seen as well as multiple clay-mation versions of your inanely idiotic sales pitch. This type of depiction worked for Celebrity Death Match, but if possible, it makes me take you even less seriously, which is saying a lot, because your furniture is absolute and complete shit. You expect me to believe I can get a complete sofa set, that goes for $1400 at every other reasonable furniture store, at equal quality for $599? It wouldn’t surprise me to find out everything is made of toothpicks and asbestos with a cloth covering. Business 101, Bob: Strategy dictates you compete on cost advantage or differentiation, not both dumbass.
3.) State Farm Black Couple Car Accident
The woman in this ad is so unbelievably intolerable and aggravating I actually make a point of changing the channel when it comes on. Why would anyone, much less a boyfriend, endure the savage berating and whining that she spews for the majority of this ad? Not to mention the accident portrayed is so ridiculously stupid. While the boyfriend is stupid for dating this bitch, I seriously doubt he idiotic enough to back into another car, then continue to rev it until he is firmly entrenched on the guy behind him windshield. But seriously, could State Farm have depicted any more of a negative racial stereotype of a black woman? Don’t worry about it, people don’t take racial issues seriously, there shouldn’t be any negative backlash to this one.
4.) Southwest Airlines “Change Fee” Referee
This is actually one of the commercials I initially found amusing…the first time it was run. Then they went wild with this concept, invented an entire fictional repertoire of “calls” that can be made against other airlines, especially this notion of a change fee. You want to avoid a change fee? Don’t be a little bitch and change your travel arrangements at the very last second because they happen to suit you better. Do your research and make sure you have the flight schedule that is most advantageous to you at the outset. Problem solved. Also, Southwest Airlines lame ass method of infusing football, which America loves, into their commercials for more appeal is fucking foolish. You know the parts of football we like? The actual game where offensive players score points and defenses attempt to kill people. The part most people bitch frequently about/loathe? Referees. Thanks for playing Southwest, take a seat.
5.) “Keith Stone” Keystone Light Commercials
Know what happens when the one the world’s shittiest beers meets a redneck equivalent of “Joe Dirt?” who wears flannel vests? You get this nauseating, complete pipedream scenario where this dumb fuck redneck pulls some of the dumbest possible maneuvers in social scenarios where fuckwit broads find his mullet and trucker hat seemingly irresistible. Sorry, I don’t know of many scenarios where a vegetarian has been impressed by a wild falcon dropping a raw fish onto a grill because she’s a vegetarian. That’s not smooth, that is insanely fucked up and obvious indicators Keith Stone is a rapist. Well, at least the quality of the commercials matches that of the beer they are promoting: Complete shit.
