The Devil of All Officials
A Letter to NBA Officials: Please do your Jobs Better
(I'm going to break this down in two mindsets: One mildly polite rational letter that expresses my dissatisfaction with the current standards of officiating, one a normal person who doesn't personally invest himself within the outcome of every single game. Then I will translate this message into my language, which is English that has been massacred into immense levels of profanity and slang. Enjoy)
Dear NBA Officials
It has recently come to my attention, after viewing multiple games of NBA basketball in the 2011-2012 season, that it there are significant issues that need to be addressed. Despite an ultimatum given prior to last season that travelling would be addressed, many players seem to get anywhere from 3-5 steps without dribbling the basketball without a violation being called, even though the rule book explicitly states 2 steps are the maximum allowed. I also find it rather discouraging that certain players seem to garner preferential treatmeant on a consistent basis. It should not matter if the player is a superstar or a bench warmer, consistency in foul calls would be a welcome addition to your officiating repertoire.
I know there has been a great deal of confusion for a number of years concerning what constitutes a block/charge call. I understand this is actually one of the more difficult calls to make in the game, but all we as fans as for is consistency. If you are going to let players slide in under an airborne player and have it be a charge, so be it. Just ensure that is the same call you will make during a pivotal moment in the fourth quarter rather than flip flopping like a politician. The same policy would be much appreciated with regards to touch fouls/handchecks. If the game is proceeding as a normal game should, why should players be penalized for merely making the slightest of contact with a player? However, do feel welcome to change this policy if the game is becoming particularly rough and tumble.
This would have been particularly helpful back in December of 2002, when the Celtics played the Suns and Amare Stoudemire exerted considerable force against Paul Pierce while Mr. Pierce was airborne. No foul was called on the play, and Paul needed significant dental work done following the game. I do not imply a foul call would have prevented his need for a root cannal, but it would have been appreciated, as well as prevented Tommy Heihnson from almost having a brain aneurysm. Attached is a video documenting this non-call (The section of the clip of interest is 0:36-0:42. You may watch the rest if you wish.) In the future, I hope to see an improved performance because I do enjoy the game of basketball, but the current interpretation of the rules on the part of the officials leaves much to be desired.
Sincerely,
A Rational Person
RANT TIME!!!
Dear Incompetent Fucktards
I waited through months of uncertainty, collective bargaining (edit: the owners holding the players balls to the fire to sign a deal that gives these billionaires EVEN MORE money) and the potential heart break of losing a complete season of my professional favorite sport. It looks like my thought process was idealistic to the point of sheer idiocy to think that, in the face of losing an entire season of work, you might step up your game to ensure the compressed season is enjoyable. Holy fuck, was I wrong. You guys, within minutes of the games on Christmas commencing, made me realize how very much I despise the small modicum of power you have but how flagrantly you abuse it. I'm pretty sure NFL players put the ball on the floor more often than NBA players going to the hoop. Fuck me sideways with a lunchbox guys, seriously? You are going to tell me that Derrick Rose can catch the ball at half court and get to the basket with only one dribble? I don't have the scientific date or any fancy calculations, but my eyes and sense of logics can tell me thats definitely bullshit. These guys get TWO steps (yes they are large steps, but the number they are allowed to take doesn't change.) Counting is a skill most of us fucking master by kindergarten, you should probably utilize it once in a while.
Additionally, this "Superstar" treatment horse shit needs to cease and desist immediately. I do not give two fucks if Kevin Durant or Darko Milicic is going to the hoop. If there is enough contact, call a fucking foul. If there isn't, let them play on. I am sick and tired of watching superstars glide through the lane, have a player brush their elbow on the way by while said superstar misses the shot, only to be bailed out by a "oh wait, shit, this guy is important, lets get him to the line." I know David Stern needs as much positive mojo these days as possible given the utter fuck up of the Chris Paul deal, but angering numerous fan bases due to "special treatment" doesn't seem like the optimal way to go about it. Hell, I'll be the first to admit, refs are starting to give these calls to Rajon Rondo due to his falling down or flailing his head back whenever he gets touched. It pisses me off because calling fouls for these acting jobs only reinforces players tendency to repeat this fucking obnoxious behavior. Nut the hell up, and make calls consistent based on what's happening in the game, not what the name on the back of the jersey happens to be.
You know what guys? I'll even throw you a partial bone here, even though you have done absolutely nothing to deserve it. If you are going to suck miserably at your profession without repurcussion, at least BE CONSISTENT. For the love of christ, nothing is more fucking frustrating than letting guys handcheck and bump each other for 3 quarters, 11 minutes and 40 seconds, only to suddenly decide that Darren Collison lightly resting his palm on Deron Willams's wrist deserves a crucial foul call. The same goes with block/charge calls. If you are going to let these guys barrel down the lane like an NFL gunner trying to take off someones head and crucify the defensive player, DO IT EVERYTIME. It's bullshit, but at least it would be bullshit going each way. It's the same as a baseball umpire having a wide or a tight strike zone. If you are calling the outside strike from inning 1 to inning 9, then the onus is on the players to adjust to the way the game is being called, since the playing field is even. But when a strike 2 inches off the plate becomes a ball in the 8th inning with 2 outs and the bases loaded, thats when people get justifiably pissed off.
Lastly, I have a special section devotely solely to spewing a venemous castigation of the SINGLE worst official in any of the major four sports in the country: Joey motherfucking Crawford. Not only does this guy consistently make awful calls at crucial moments (See: Christmas Day, when Marquis Daniels had a beautiful steal when he poked the ball away from Carmelo Anthony down the stretch, but Crawford, since he was cattering to Anthony all fucking game anyway, gave him a foul call because Anthony tripped to appear as if his arm was hit. Simply horrendous) but the man remains to this day resolutely and steadfastly unaccountable for anything he calls. A player cannot so much as ask, "What did i do?" without the angry sweaty bald bastard slapping the player with a technical before he can finish his sentence. It wouldn't matter if the Dalai Lama himself politely asked Crawford the time of day, Joey would justify his callous demeanor and absurd interpretation of basketball rules in same insanely batshit manner: Roar threats and/or feign the loss of your sense of hearing until all dissent has been stifled. Crawford is an asshole, an awful official, and the owner of perhaps the worst call in basketball history, which says alot given that the rest of the fuckwads parading as officials are only slightly less terrible than Crawford. See visual evidence below
Signed
Every Single Basketball Fan
