Tebow, Saints, and Patriots Free Agents: A Crazy Day of Football

Has the dust settled? Is it safe to comment on this stuff or are we still in a fluid process? I left my office for lunch yesterday, popped open twitter and discovered that ALL HELL HAD BROKEN LOOSE.

1. My Prayer Was Answered - Now I just have to figure out if it was Tebow or God that answered...I kid, relax Catholics.  In all seriousness though, I'm soooo excited for this. As a Pats fan, it titillates me, Sanchez looking over his shoulder every third and short, hearing the TEEBBBOOOOWWWWW every single time the Jets punt, and being only the second best looking QB in New York.  

I can't wait for the first time some wise ass reporter asks Tebow about the Bible's stance on husbands filming their wives feet getting fucked, Antonio Cromartie and Tebow debating the virtues between pulling out and abstinence, Plax getting Tebow confused with the jail house Pastor from his 2 year stretch in Sing-Sing, or the first time Sanchez shows up to the post game party with some barely legal girl looking to get stuffed. It's going to be hilarious. If you subscribe to HBO and you aren't writing to them threatening to cancel if they don't run another season with the Jets for Hard Knocks then you've just given up on your Patriotic duty. 

2. The Saints, and More Specifically, Sean Payton, Just got Reamed - Jesus H. What the hell was that? Look, I get that something had to be done. Everyone assumed a couple of draft picks, some fines, and maybe some short suspensions for the coach...but a one year ban for the head coach? That doesn't strike anyone as outlandish?

All I heard yesterday was holier than thou talking heads spouting off about how it was deserved and good for the league for taking this stance...Are these guys watching the same sport I am? The same sport that celebrates huge hits? The same sport that labels finesse and speed teams as "soft," and praises physical, aggressive teams by saying laudatory things like "they'll punch you in the mouth," and meaning it in a good way?

And before anyone accuses me of being out of touch with reality, I get it. I get that you cant go around paying players for causing injuries. As a fan I never root for a player to be seriously maimed (except when the Pats are losing and I think it'll help, of course), so its not like I'm sitting here trying to defend the Saints, not at all. 

It's just, do you really think no one else was doing this? I mean a years suspension for the head coach? When in all likelihood there were at least a handful of teams doing this, if not necessarily this past year, then in the last decade? Is this not just like when the Pats got busted for "Spygate" and various coaches and players from past teams came out said, "So What,  we used to do this too?" Obviously no one is going to come out now and rat out their teammates and coaches after seeing these outrageous penalties come down, but I'd gaurantee there were players and coaches around the league yesterday who privately were scambling to cover any tracks they may have left regarding their own bounty programs. 

3. Patriot's Free Agents Getting Gobbled Up Left and Right - Which I'll assume will lead to the Boston sports radio programs being intolerable to listen to today as always. I'll say this, the team will probably miss BJGE and Mark Anderson, but I get them not paying for them, that was probably the right move. 

If I had to pick one to bitch about losing just a little bit, it'd be Mark Anderson. The guy was a standout last year. And yes, this is what you expect to happen when you sign a low risk, high reward player to a one year contract, if you get that high reward, they're going to expect to be paid for it after the fact, I'm sure the Pats knew the rules of the game. It's just, This Guy Was a Standout Last Year! Can he replicate it? We'll see, but I'd guess yes. He's not quite an every down player, but on obvious passing downs he was a helluva weapon last year, and a weapon the team is now going to need to replace (along with the 4 year running annual search for some competent defensive backs). I just think if you have a simple in-house solution, you take it. That's all. Doesn't help that you'll also now face him twice a year on the Bills, who also signed Mario Williams this year...

As for BGJE, good for him. Undrafted free agent who worked his way into a starting job and a nice free agent contract. Always worked hard, I never heard a peep about him, never fumbled. Do I think the Pats can replace him? Absolutely. Do I think EEI, the Globe, The Herald, and the Sportshub will have a field day the first time a Patriots running back fumbles next year? You betcha.

What Did Randy Jackson Wear

Honestly, I can't hate on this. I'm not black, so I could never really pull it off myself, but that wouldn't necessarily stop me from mistakenly buying this ensemble under the delusion that it might look good on me. It wouldn't happen now, while I'm all pale and gross from the winter, but lets say mid-summer. I'd have a nice tan by then, and I'd probably think, "hey, I'm dark, I can get away with this."

And then it would sit in the far back corner of my closet forever. 

If you missed any of Randy's previous "Plural Tone" offerings this year, you can find them here, and here.

Who Sleeps At An Amusement Park?

What a freaking baby. Sack up kid, damn. Maybe you do need your ass pushed around in that kiddie stroller instead of walking around like a typical 8 or 9 year older. You don't come crying for your mom's bosom, the way I see it you have two options here:

1. Shock and disbelief followed by laughing it off...Like, "Hahaha, very funny, good one mom and dad," all the while thinking "I'll remember this when it comes time to put you in a home."

2. Throw a shit-fit temper tantrum - A little kid classic, yes there's crying involved, but its not "mom I have a wet diaper," crying, its "I hate you and you're lucky I'm not calling DSS," crying, coupled with primal groans and gutteral screams, which we all know represent curse words in little kid language.  Hell, drop a fuck bomb if you're really that upset. That'll really get 'em, leave your parents thinking that this one traumatic moment snapped their precious little kid into a hellion, with a future life of hookers and drugs, swearing and crime. They'll pamper your ass the rest of the day.