Tired of Bottled Water Snobs Treating Tap Water Like It's for the Homeless

Here's the deal, I drink tap water. I have no problem with tap water.  If the city and state are deeming it clean enough to run to my house or place of work for showering and washing dishes, I'm going to go out on a ledge and assume it's also safe to drink, a real daredevil, I know. 

Does that stop people at work from giving me the stink eye or dirty stares like I'm some kind of social pariah when I refill the same water bottle over and over again for a week or two? Nope.  Look, I'm not judging you for paying $2.00 a bottle for a natural resource that runs freely to your sink, all the while contributing another plastic bottle to an already massive environmental problem, don't judge me for being silly enough to think that re-using the same plastic recepticle that you're using is perfectly safe. 

And to the hipsters and hikers who'd look down on me because they won't drink out of anything short of a $20 Nalgene bottle, I ask what makes you think your overly expensive bottle is any better than mine?  I wash my old Poland Spring bottle out each day, it's not a bacteria growing science project or anything.  The only difference between my recycled bottle and your ritzy cannister is yours has markings to denote exactly how many milli-liters you've drank today.  Not that most of you could tell me what a frigen milli-liter is anyway.  Who even uses that standard of measurement?  We're from America and we use ounces.  Don't go trying to confuse everyone with your sophisticated metric system.  That shit's for commies and Euro trash.

Voodoo Sex Ceremony Starts 5 Alarm Fire in Brooklyn

New York (CNN) -- Candles used in voodoo sex ceremony caused a fatal five alarm fire after they tipped over and ignited bed sheets in a Brooklyn, New York, apartment, authorities said Friday...A voodoo priest allegedly placed the candles on the floor around the bed on Saturday after a woman paid him $300 to perform a ceremony with a sexual component, that was meant to bring her good luck, fire department officials said. Authorities are currently investigating the incident.

Wait a minute, this Voodoo priest was just a gigolo right? The whole voodoo thing just being a religious cover so the authorities can't charge him with prostitution in fear of violating his religious 1st Amendment rights.  Probably just a male stripper and a chic with a weird fetish request stumbling into a gigantic loophole for prostitutes and pimps from coast to coast.  Genius, genius move.  

I can already picture it, couple Irish cops bust some chic getting picked up by a dude on the street, all the chic's gotta say is she's performing a bris (google it if you're sitting their scratching your head) for this converting Jew.  The chick's black? No problem, she's performing some voodoo or Kwanza related ceremony.  If she's an Arab...well, actually no, she's probably going to jail anyway just to make sure she's not on the no fly list.  But at least she won't be branded a prostitute and stoned to death!  And she has this voodoo gigolo to thank for that.

NBC's The Office: Who’s the New Manager in Town? Bueller? Bueller?

The TV Doctor, Dr. Jack Shepherd is back with his analysis and guess for who will replace Steve Carell on The Office.

We’ve all known for some time that this will be Steve Carell’s last season portraying Michael Scott on “The Office”. If you’ve been watching each week you can see him getting closer to his happy ending of riding off into the sunset with his soulmate Holly. Michael will be gone soon, but the show has yet to announce its future plans for who will have the authority at Sabre in Scranton, PA. Will Ferrell will be doing a multi-episode arc in a few weeks, but his standing as one of the biggest movie stars in the world makes it highly unlikely he would make a jump to a permanent TV gig. So then who will be the new manager?

If the show decides to go with an in-house replacement, it appears Andy would be the first choice. He’s the character who is the most like Michael and elicits similar responses as Michael did from his fellow workers. There have even been two episodes this season, “Sex Ed” and “The Seminar,” that seemed to be auditions for an Andy-led “Office”. Ed Helms also currently has the most star power on the show aside from Carell, especially with “The Hangover 2” due out in May. Other in-house candidates would be Darryl (wouldn’t seem realistic), Dwight (would be too “wacky”), or Jim (would they really go back to this after Jim/Michael co-manager storyline fell flat?). If they promote from within, then the choice is probably Andy. But for a show that has gotten stale over the last few seasons, I wouldn’t say that’s the right move.

New blood is needed in Scranton to get this show back to being what it was, or at least closer to it. Ricky Gervais has come out in favor of Will Arnett being the replacement. “Arrested Development” is one of my favorite shows of all-time, and I love Arnett, but does he really have the credentials to be handed such responsibility? Also, the characters he plays the best, like GOB, tend to be hugely self-involved people who don’t see how their actions affect others. Does that sound like anyone else who’s already worked in Scranton? Danny McBride has also been mentioned, but as silly as this sounds I don’t see him succeeding at an authoritative role where he’s not allowed to curse. And again, he’d probably play a character matching Michael’s ineptitude. The show not only needs an outside hire, it also needs a new type of leader to walk through Sabre’s doors.

If the show was looking to install someone with a lot of past sitcom success, then Kelsey Grammar or Julia Louis-Dreyfus would be viable options. Grammar has struggled recently to get back into TV with his latest shows all flopping, and Dreyfus’ “The New Adventures of Old Christine” was cancelled last year. Joining an established show like “The Office” would give them more potential security than looking for a new pilot. Plus NBC, a network constantly struggling for good press, would be welcoming back one of its biggest stars from a decade ago with either choice. Neither of these actors would be bad choices and both could bring something new to inject new life into the show, especially Dreyfus as a female boss, but there’s still one more actor I feel NBC should be wooing first and foremost.

Matthew Broderick. We know that NBC has courted Broderick for years. He finally acquiesced to their requests by filming a pilot last season and in all its infinite wisdom NBC declined to pick it up. So with that bad taste in his mouth, it stands to reason Broderick might not be inclined to even consider this. Also, he might not want his foray into television to be replacing an iconic role like Carell’s Michael Scott. However, for the sake of this blog let’s say he is amicable to joining the show. Maybe he agrees his pilot was bad, and maybe he sees what replacing Michael J. Fox on “Spin City” did for Charlie Sheen’s career.

So then where does the show take the character? We know Broderick has experience talking to the camera from his “Ferris Bueller” days. Why not make the character essentially what Ferris grew up to be? Michael Scott’s replacement does not need to be a bumbling idiot or someone with no social skills. Why not make him the opposite? The paper business is a dying business and even with Sabre’s infusion of products, the Scranton bunch are still working in an industry that’s rife with the threat of decline. Bringing in Broderick to play a Bueller type character, one with smarts and charm to achieve seemingly anything would allow the workers to have something to believe in and the audience to have something to root for.

“The Office” started as a great example of the mundane existence so many of us face from 9-5. However, the light heartedness of Jim’s pranks on Dwight or Michael’s board room meetings allowed us to laugh at lives filled with unachieved dreams. Somewhere over the last few seasons, that stopped being funny and became kind of sad. It was funny to see a young Jim complain about his job, it’s less funny to see him seven years later in the same position even with his picture perfect family life. It’s not funny to see Pam realize she’s failed at almost everything she’s tried professionally. I’m not saying everything needs to be jokes and smiles, but why not change the direction of the show into the workers achieving something they can be proud of? They obviously could never do that with a leader like Michael Scott, but with someone like Ferris Bueller? Hell, you could do anything.

-Dr. Jack

Toss Up: Who's Crazier? Charlie Sheen or Moammar Gaddafi?

Unless you've been living under a rock the past couple of weeks you've obviously noticed Charlie and Moammar seemingly battling it out for craziest headline of the day.  You literally can't peel away from the internet for 30 minutes without another mind blowing quote or story from these two comically gifted lunatics (although one is just snorting coke and banging sluts, the other is murdering his citizens). Like two kindred spirits competing for worlds most demented, they even both insist on traveling with entourages of woman.  Gaddafi insisting his traveling circus be protected solely by female body guards (seriously), Charlie auditioning porn stars for his "Porn Family," and then promptly taking his show on tour, through Vegas, the entirety of the west coast, and then to the seas in some sort of Yachting Jaws gang bang festival.   Beyond their entourages and actions these guys have been such prolific quote machines lately that it's sometimes hard to distinguish between which one said what.  

Which leads us to today's game of who said it? Sheen or Gaddafi. Some quotes have had identifiable names or places removed to make this a bit tougher.  Feel free to leave your answers in the comment section, I'll edit the post to include the correct answer around 3 pm this afternoon so be sure to check back to see how you did: (answers now included in bold).

 1. The first ones free, the next one goes in your mouth - Charlie Sheen, obviously.

2. “There must be a world revolution which puts an end to all materialistic conditions hindering woman from performing her natural role in life and driving her to carry out man’s duties in order to be equal in rights.” - Gaddafi

3. They give them pills at night, they put hallucinatory pills in their drinks, their milk, their coffee, their Nescafe." - Also Gaddafi, though I'm not positive you can't rule out the fact that he's talking about Sheen

4. "I expressed an opinion, and I have an army marching behind me. - Sheen, tricky one.

5. Remember these are my people ... not yours...we will continue on together... Also Sheen, he's been very militaristic lately.

6. I am a fighter, a revolutionary from tents ... I will die as a martyr at the end - Gaddafi

7. "These men are not pirates. We are the pirates. We are all pirates. We went there to their territorial waters, and they are just protecting the food of their children. -Gaddafi, though it could have just as easily been Sheen discussing his recent yacht outings.

8. I’m dealing with fools and trolls, dealing with soft targets and its just, you know its just strafing runs in my underwear before my first cup of coffee because I don’t have time for these clowns. Sheen, one could easily confuse this for Gaddafi's rambling speech about wiping out Switzerland.

9. Is this Jerusalem, or Mecca? All of you have jetlag and are physically tired. Many of you are very tired because your biological mind should be asleep right now. Gaddafi, apparently his biological mind is that much stronger than the average humans.

10. "(.....) is the leader of the revolution...am not a president to step down. (....)

is leader of the revolution until the end of time. Gaddafi, I feel this is pretty obvious, but I won't be shocked when Sheen starts calling himself the president of some radical porn-led movement.

11. "I think everybody’s got a black belt and a gun, so I don’t get in anybody’s business." Sheen, discussing his producers, who apparently also double as ninjas?

12. . I should have been walking into sandwiches, massages, and handjobs. Yeah, I said it!” - Obviously Sheen but it was too good to pass up.  The guy likes the simple things life, what can he say.

13. To sully or contaminate or radically disrespect this union with a shameful contract is something that I will leave to the amateurs and the Bible grippers. Sheen, but I'm guessing Gaddafi feels the same way about those damned Bible Grippers...Bible Grippers

14. And they're going to fuel the battle cry of my deadly and dangerous and secret and silent soldiers. Because they're all around you.  Sheen, at this point I'm not sure who the bigger threat to the public is.  Gaddafi seems relatively tame by comparison.

15. Protesters are serving the devil, they want to humiliate you -Gaddafi, there we go, back on track.

16.   From tomorrow, families collect your children, leave your homes, all of you who love (....), go out the streets, secure the streets, don't be afraid. - Gaddafi

17. The ringleaders are in their homes or they are abroad, comfortable, and having fun. Gaddafi- I needed a string of Gaddafi's.

18. We work for the Pope, we murder people. We're Vatican assassins...we are high priests, Vatican assassin warlocks -Sheen, Gaddafi answers to no one, and certainly he isn't some murder for hire bitch for the Pope.

19. And I will destroy you in the air. I will deploy my ordinance to the ground." -Sheen, just as easily could have been Gaddafi ordering his military jets to attack protestors.

20.  "Defeat is not an option. They know what they did was wrong. They are in absolute breach,  I did nothing wrong. They have picked a fight with the wrong guy. Defeat is not an option."  Sheen, but if Gaddafi's speech writers are worth anything he'll be parroting this real soon.

 

Male Cheerleader Gets Technical Foul

Someone test the Louisville mens cheerleaders for steroids. I've never seen 3 more roided out cheerlosers before in my life.  

It's tough to tell who the bigger ham out of the three of them is. You've got the obvious moron who thinks he just won the championship and is going to Disney World, tossing the ball and spirit clapping with everything he's got.  You've got the squatter, doing his best Incredible Hulk Impression.  But my vote for the biggest douche here is the air puncher.   Sweet move dude, see that guy you just taunted?  He's an NBA prospect and can probably get all the tail he wants on campus.  You're the loser from high school who just wanted to be a part of the sports scenes after getting cut from every team sport you ever tried out for.

Ease up guys, your job is to flash some spirit fingers and form human pyramids. Not only didn't you contribute to the victory, but you damn near cost the team the game with that ridiculous technical foul. I know it's tough to accept, but you're really no different than the average male fan in the stands.  Except they get to toss back a few brews before the game, and you're wearing that ridiculously lame white ensemble. 

Girlfriend Shower Prank With Poop (Vid Inside)

 

While I appreciate the humor, I do hope this guy immediately went out and looked for a new place to live.  I'm no expert on woman, but I do know that dropping a fake turd in the shower on her is basically as bad as dropping a real turd in the shower.  Psychologically there is no real difference here, the end result was going to be her being pissed and you cleaning that shit/non-shit up either way bro.  

One tip though, when you're playing the old "make a turd out of chocolate prank" you have to be fully committed.  The fact that this guy did not take a bite out of it when she was refusing to smell it is unbelievably disappointing.  Brings this all the way down from an A- to a C+.  Sooner or later he'll wake up and realizing he's been half-assing his way through life.