Everyone Take 3 Minutes Out of Your Day to Send Pitbull To A Walmart in Canada

Make Sure This Happens, People

CNN - Thousands of Internet jokesters are on the cusp of sending Miami recording artist Pitbull to a far-flung land of grizzlies, salmon and crab. Pitbull, in a promotion by Walmart and Energy Sheets tongue strips, agreed to visit the U.S. Walmart store that receives the most “likes” on its local Facebook page in a 28-day period that ends July 15. As of Tuesday afternoon, the leader was a Walmart in Kodiak, Alaska, with more than 48,500 likes - roughly eight times its population of about 6,000 people - Walmart spokeswoman Sarah Spencer said Tuesday....Pitbull was on tour in Munich, Germany, on Tuesday and wasn’t immediately available for comment, his publicist said. But on Twitter, Pitbull was having fun with the Kodiak idea. “I hear there's bear repellant at Kodiak, Alaska,” Pitbull tweeted Saturday. On Sunday, he tweeted, “Picture me with a Kodiak…Ha!” - an homage to a “Give Me Everything” lyric “take a picture of me with a Kodak.”

Oohhhh-hoooo Pitbull...I can picture you with a Kodiak, it's fantastic, mauling you so we never have to hear your cheesy hits ever again. It's a wonderful thought, actually.

People, make this happen. Takes 2 minutes, jump on Facebook (which you've probably already got open anyway) and Like the Kodiak Alaska Walmart page.  It's that simple...while you're there if you wanted to like The Alt-Tab Fan page, do that too. We're not sending Pitbull or any other annoying celebrities anywhere, Liking us would strictly be for my own self-esteem.

Canadian BBQ Chip Bandits Busted in Most Unintentionally Funny News Story Ever

Look, I know no one ever watches a whole video...WATCH THIS WHOLE VIDEO. In the event that you can't because your office frowns on that kind of thing, here's the link to the story, and a few excerpts below, but frankly, you're missing out on the best part, as the last 30 seconds or so aren't included in the story.

"These were very specific, and hard-to-obtain, barbecue chips." That's how police in Saanich, Victoria, British Columbia, described a bag of potato chips stolen by two drunk university students from a garage in a crime that Vancouver Island's CTV spent more than three minutes soberly reporting last month..."The students were wrapping up a night of drinking," CTV anchor Hudson Mack says in a serious tone, "when they were overcome by a certain craving—the kind that hits late and hits hard." According to CTV, the quiet neighborhood where the so-called "BBQ bandits" struck is filled with people who like chips—potato, lime, taco and cheese-flavored—but nothing like Zellers' barbecue-flavored chips, available for a limited time from the Canadian discount chain...A woman, alone in her home, was woken by a growling chihuahua, Saanich police said. She then heard the female students in her garage and immediately called police, who arrested the potato-chip perpetrators nearby..."It appears that the effervescent chip package in the open garage appeared too yummy to pass up," Saanich Police Sgt. Dean Jantzen said at a press conference to address the BBQ chip burglary. "I haven't tried these for myself," Jantzen added, "but my understanding is that particular brand of barbecue is quite tasty.".."These are first time chip offenders."

Hilarious, right? Like if I wasn't on the fence about whether or not this news station was trolling everyone I'd give this the "Most Canada Story of All Time" title. It's all there, an entire neighborhood of chip lovers, a special, holy grail-like brand of chips, two drunk university students causing a ruckus stealing people's chips...and then comes the last 30 seconds of the video...

After seeming to acknowledge that the story was ludicrous and they were just having fun, the get all serious and talk to their fellow Canadians about the importance of having a HOME PHONE...A land line people. Canadian newscasters, in 2012, on-air lecturing about the importance of having a land line, specifically in your bedroom, because in this case, the woman had to tip-toe to her living room to get the phone and call the police, less the drunk chip scavengers out in her garage hear her and ask her for some green onion dip to go with the chips.

It's outrageous, and they say the whole thing with completely straight faces, telling us that the landlines are important because they're more safe than cell phones...Absolutely hilarious, well done, Canada.

Millions Worth of Old Baseball Cards Found in an Old Attic

How come this shit can never happens to me? Every time I go digging around in an attic or a basement I find Bat Turd, and a bunch of junk...Hilariously dated clothes, old Pogs, my brothers stupid pet Tamagotchi that I told him was stupid at the time but he didn't believe me but I bet he does now that I've told everyone on the internet that he at one point owned a Tamagotchi...But never millions of dollars worth of baseball cards. That has literally never happened to me.

Which is why I'm writing this now...for my future grandkids...Guys...go up to the old attic, locate the GIGANTIC green Rubbermade tub, open it, GO NUTS. I've got everything in there. Rookie cards from all our favorite juicers who may or may not ever make the hall of fame as a result. There's a Jacoby Ellsbury card signed with a piece of his jersey inserted in it, so if by chance he ever hits the field again that'll be worth something. There's even a shitload of basketball cards, like Kenny Anderson rookies, and a very shiny Scottie Pippen insert...it's all there, and it's way more than 700 cards, so you'll for sure get more than $3 MM, even if I don't have a Christy Matthewson and Honus Wagner.

The First Web Photo Ever Turns 20 Next Week

And I didn't even make that up. That's it, if that wasn't a surer sign of what was to come for the internet, I don't know what was. A bunch of scientists who, literally, invented the internet, decided the first picture they'd upload was a picture of a comedy band based at their very own CERN Laboratory.

Unreal...though I guess I'm more or less shocked that it wasn't someones kitten or a half naked broad, seeing as how that's what half the web has become.