Ultimate Holiday Showdown- Thanksgiving vs. Christmas, Two holidays Enter, One leaves the Victo

Battle of the Ages: Who gain the crown of "Best Holiday?"

It truly is a fortunate situation that the last few months every year have set up for us everday normal folk. While the overall quality of the weather gets exponentially shittier and every female puts away every partially revealing piece of clothing to be replaced with Ugs and 15 layers of jackets and scarves, we are rewarded with two of the greatest holidays in the known universe: Thanksgiving and Christmas. Both of these events are first world celebrations of absolutely shameless overindulgence in everything that is good and joy-inducing in this life: material possessions, comfort food, and outright laziness on some arbitrary notion that we have accomplished deeds significant enough to warrant these treasures. However, each of these holidays has a number of dimensions that need to be considered, and after all is said and done, we will find out one of these holidays is actually superior to the other. Since I am in the business of solving these difficult issues, let’s hope right to it and see who wins this matchup based on our “Holiday Scorecard,” (But unlike the cards used in Manny Pacquaio’s most recent fight, this isn’t to facilitate the world’s biggest gambling event of all time, it’s just to prove a point.”

Overall Atmosphere:

Thanksgiving- Sadly, not much going with regards to a “feel” for this holiday. You obviously have maybe a few days off from work, and Thanksgiving serves as a wonderful trump card of getting out of your professional obligations. As a kid, it was fun to trace your hand and make a paper turkey or a pilgrim hat during art class (or in my case, ignore what I was supposed to be doing so I could dump Elmers glue all over my hands and peel it off once it dried. No one who did this can deny it was fun as hell, both for the activity itself and the anger induced brain aneurysm it gave the teacher.) But beyond cooking/raiding the supermarket for every piece of trans fat laden comfort food you can find, there’s a dearth of Thanksgiving atmosphere.

Christmas- Hands down winner on this front. You got the absolute works going here: sparkly decorations bedecking every building, the fresh smell of pine emanating from every corner of society, and the absolute auditory orgasm that is Christmas Music. Seriously, a straight month of absolute classic holiday tunes and catchy jingle bell laden music that makes even despondent murderous sociopaths feel warm and fuzzy inside (or maybe slightly less murderous. I wouldn’t know, I’m just a sarcastic asshole, not a fully blown sociopath.) Not to mention all the fantastic movies that took your imagination on a magical ride when you were a child. Even watching them now, like the perfect Christmas movie Elf, gives feel good, nostalgic vibes up the wazoo. Watching the snowflakes flutter gently outside while you sip hot cocoa listening to “Let it snow?” That’s as good as it fucking gets, you could make a postcard out of that scene, its truly that awesome.

Score- Christmas: 1 Thanksgiving: 0

Preparatory Work:

Thanksgiving- Since the ultimate theme of Thanksgiving is “Laziness/Gorge your face off until you want to Puke,” the preparatory work here is minimal to moderate at best. You get the opportunity to buy the tastiest treats that you don’t indulge in regularly if you have no inclination to do cooking of any sort. But if you are the ambitious type, you get to put on your best cooking face and bust out that perfect recipe you got from Grandma for mouth watering stuffing, sumptuous mashed potatoes, or that absolutely perfectly marinated, hormonally enhanced Turkey. After all that is out of the way, the rest you have to do is go into your closet and intentionally wear an outfit that is a couple sizes too big because after the 8 helpings of everything you inhale through your gullet, you will most certainly need the extra room.

Point goes to Thanksgiving on this one for having an amount of work that matches the theme of the holiday itself.

Christmas- As much fun as Christmas can be, the amount of work that needs to be put into this event is an absolute bitch. You have a billion presents to buy for people, some because you want to and others because of dumb fucking social/family obligations that make no sense to you (Just because my second cousin gets me something I hate every year DOES NOT mean I want to give him a DAMN THING), which often takes place in an angry mob pillaging (edit: shopping) every single mall in existence and drains your bank account in the process. Setting up lights outside has to be one of the most miserable experiences on the planet. Every single year without fail, even if they are brand fucking new, something will go wrong with them. Certain lights won’t work, it will set itself to “Twinkle” mode when you just want “Regular” with no way of switching them, or they will be tangled into a horrific knot ridden pile of misery and anger that takes every ounce of patience and finger dexterity to sort out. Throw in the additional suckitude of shoveling, finding a Christmas tree that isn’t fucked in some way (either structurally or because the owner of the tree farm realizes, once a year, he can price gouge the ever loving fuck out of everyone) and this dimension is a big time negative for Christmas.

Score: Christmas: 1 Thanksgiving: 1

The Day’s Events/ Post Game Wrap Up

Thanksgiving/Christmas- This is where it gets difficult, since there is a significant amount of overlap in what revelry is engaged in on both occasions, as well as this being the tiebreaker, so we’ll break both holidays down in this section. Both have sumptuous spreads of food with all manner of goodies ready for reckless consumption, though Christmas can often include a spiral ham with a heavy dosage of candy for good measure. Additionally, you get all kinds of material possessions (American dream, right? Having way more shit than you actually need) on Christmas morning which is just plain fantastic. However, after eating your face off on Thanksgiving, you have the god given right to watch football until you pass out into a food induced coma. No pretending you like the shitty gifts that your in-laws gave you, zero obligation to engage in any type of pointless banter. Just watch the most American sport to exist until you want to go to sleep. Then, Thanksgiving always gives you gifts that you will like: leftovers. All the delectable treats you wanted to eat, but couldn’t fit because your stomach was at the point of rupturing, YOU CAN SAVE FOR LATER. Your only duty following Thanksgiving is to ensure that you eat even more. Christmas requires an extensive amount of un-decorating everything after the fact and you have to find a diplomatic way of asking for the receipts for the awful gifts you didn’t want, instead of outright telling the person what they got you sucked. Return lines at retail outlets post Christmas are almost as bad as buying the shit in the first place because you know for a fact everyone is in that miserably long line for the sole reason of exchanging their unwanted crap for something useful to them. This one comes down to the wire, but I’m declaring by a slim margin Thanksgiving is the winner by technical knockout, despite a valiant effort by Christmas.

FINAL SCORE: Thanksgiving: 2 Christmas: 1

P.S. Since I was way too complimentary for most of this piece, I need something excessively negative to go out on, so here it is. Valentine’s Day is the worst fucking holiday of all time. It’s not even a holiday, it’s a made up bullshit excuse for people to increase the bottom line of Hallmark/florist/chocolate companies, while every couple everywhere instantly goes into panic mode because everyone’s notion of what is appropriate on that day is different. Fuck Valentines Day.

People Realize Jennifer Lopez is Whiter than Me, Right? She's Not Really "From the Block"

NOVEMBER 22--As part of a new multimillion-dollar endorsement deal with Fiat, Jennifer Lopez has shot several TV commercials for the Italian automaker, placed the Fiat 500 in her latest music video, and even put the vehicle center stage during her performance Sunday night at the American Music Awards. But while the brand building and cross-promotion campaign is both lucrative and far-reaching, the star does have her collaborative limits. Specifically, the 42-year-old actress will not visit the Bronx in service of shilling the subcompact car. she actually never set foot in the Bronx during the filming of the Fiat spots. Instead, the role of “Jenny from the Block” was played by a body double, according to two sources familiar with the commercial production. While the Lopez lookalike was actually behind the wheel in the Bronx, Lopez herself was in Los Angeles, where she was filmed inside a Fiat 500.

Is this still news to people? That J-Lo isn't really from the block? I mean sure she lived there at one point in time, many years ago, and maybe her Abuelo still lives there or something, but I doubt it...People get that J-Lo is more white than me, right? Like sure her ass is latin, and she's got Lopez for a last night, but she was also with Ben Affleck at one point, like that's as non-latin, white as it gets.

So of course she wasn't riding around in the Bronx in a Fiat 500. Every now and then J-Lo just needs a little street cred bump, and she knows what to do to get it...Spend a season as judge on American Idol and nail an absurd contract, gain back your street cred by pretending to visit your hood and grind on a Latin pop singers dick (left). Release a worldwide smash hit, "Waiting for Tonight," complete with green lasers and shit that white people eat up? Come back with Jenny from the Block, to remind people, you're from the block. Date uber honky Ben Affleck? Marry latin crooner Marc Anthony.  It's all part of her plan people.  Jenny's more Greenwich, CT than she is "from the block." I just can't believe it's taken ya'll this long to notice.

Di Fara Pizzeria Closes After Health Violations, Supporters Really Upset

AOL - Famed pizzeria Di Fara has been shut down after racking up an impressive 67 code violations -- a failing grade. Fans of their pizza don't seem fazed, though, taking to their Facebook page to defend the place from the news. "You guys are the best....And I'm not just talking about the pizza....Good people...." said one poster. "Anxiously awaiting the reopening....

The special ingredient is crack, right? Crack sprinkled with the cheese? Gotta be it.  I've got to try one of these slices, need to get in contact with the head pizza master here to airmail me a slice or something, because I need to know what pizza would have to taste like for people to ignore 67 CODE VIOLATIONS...that's all the codes there is people, like that's 67 out of 67. That's unfathomable.

If I don't go into a state of orgasmic shock, after biting this slice, it's not worth it. People are absolutely crazy if you think I'm just going to be sitting in the corner of this place, enjoying a slice while spiders and roaches team up to battle rats for the title of cheese king of the mountain in the back of the kitchen, screw that (PS: the above scenario is entirely fictional, I don't know what the violations were, but there were 67 of them, I think its safe to make a joke about Rats battling Roaches in some kind of gladiator like contest). 

People realize its New York, right? Like you can walk a block and find another place that also claims to have the best slice in the city. Pizza and Coffee are in no short supply of "worlds bests" in NYC. No need to go exposing yourself to e-coli for one specific slice. 

Serious Questions, Can We Just Fire the Debt Committee Members?

Fox News - President Obama, after watching the deficit Super Committee collapse under the weight of partisan discord, on Tuesday urged Congress to prevent that failure from resulting in a payroll tax increase at the end of the year. Some on the so-called Super Committee were hoping to include the payroll tax extension, along with an extension of unemployment aid, in a final agreement to cut the deficit by $1.2 trillion. The provision, passed last year, was one of Obama's signature policies and something he has pushed for as part of a larger jobs package that has yet to attract widespread support in Congress. Without a deficit deal, the future of the cut and numerous other provisions is unclear. 

Can we just fire this Deficit Panel Super-committee epic fail collective? Like not from the committee, but from Congress in general? In what normal, everyday job could you fail so miserably, that even before your actual deadline, you just walk out and tell your boss and fellow employees, "welp, we tried, but its just too hard, bottom line, we're not going to do it," and still keep your job? It's fucking unfathomable. 

If Obama had any spine as a leader he'd lock those asshats in a room in the Capitol building with a pack of turkey cold cuts and tell them Happy Fucking Thanksgiving, you're not coming out until you figure this shit out. Why isn't that the solution here? 

And PS: I can't help but think that maybe, just maybe, we'd be a little closer to a deal with the Senate wasn't running around worried about things like freaking baggage fees. Guys, baggage fees suck, but you know what really sucks? A broke country. Broke, like collecting food stamps and government cheese from China, broke(I'm just guessing, but Chinese gov't cheese probably tastes like cow-taint).  I mean, hey, thanks for stepping up on this, but it just seems like maybe there's more pressing matters. Maybe you wanna just drop everything and figure this thing out and just put it behind you once and for all?

I'm as big a procrastinator as there is, I leave everything to the last minute, I get it. But there's always that one point where its like, ok, screw it, time to get shit done...I go grab the tallest coffee Dunkin Donuts can legally provide, and I plow through whatever is on my plate...And I feel fantastic once its done, like a huge weight has been lifted, all of a sudden you've got all the free time in the world, its amazing.

So maybe that's the problem? Is there not enough Dunks in DC? Can we get a Dunkin Donuts rep on this?

Note To Mass Drivers: No One Feels Bad For You If You're Stuck on the Pike Today

I just wanted to clear that little fact up, so before you go blowing up everyone's Twitter and Facebook feeds, just know that no one gives a shit. We're not going to "like" your status update, we're not going to Retweet your snarky traffic tweet, we're not buying into any of it.

It's Thanksgiving Eve, of course there is fucking traffic. There's traffic up the ass. Anyone that was smart left early today or even last night, anyone that didn't is up shit's creek without a paddle. The rest of us flat out don't care.  Know what I'll be doing today? Going to work, probably be there until 7 PM or so...Do you think I care that you'll probably hear the "Watch the Throne" song like 4x on Kiss 108  before you even get past Framingham? Shit no. I'd rather be jamming out to Kanye and Jigga than sitting in my fluorescently lit cube. 

I don't want to come off overly as a dick here, just suffice to say that you knew there'd be traffic, you knew it'd be horrendous, you chose to travel in it anyway. It's not newsworthy, I will not give you a pity shout out and raise your Klout in the process, I might even unfriend you. 

You've all been warned.

Wodka Brand Vodka's Humorous Billboard Made Me Chuckle

Stylelite- Religious stereotyping in liquor ads is just about as bottom of the barrel as you can get, and a brief perusal of the Wodka website shows it’s standard practice for the company. For example, on the site’s contact page, we’re introduced to Wodka “employees” New Delhi Neil (“snake charmer by day and press wrangler by night”) and Sumo Shu (whose photo is the face of a white guy Photoshopped onto a Japanese sumo wrestler’s body).

What? I don't get it? Are Jewish liquor stores not competitively priced? Is this false advertising or something?  Is it the dog? Is he wearing the cap wrong? 

Guys, they're clearly joking and mean no harm...I mean have you seen their website? It's got pictures like this as promotional photos for its product:

Does this seem like a serious company to you? It's got a hilarious website (and does anyone really believe New Delhi Neil and Sumo Shu were forced into these photos? This looks like a fantastic place to work), a premium product, and cheap prices. Just roll with it.

Besides, do we really need to get into the whole defamation thing right now? Yesterday should have been a day of national pride for all the Maccabi's everywhere, the Hebrew Hammer won the National League MVP! I mean, how can you be upset on such a great day?

So lets all take it down a notch and take it for face value, a pretty funny advertising campaign, that may have touched the line for some, but all in all meant no harm, and caused no harm. Hell, I'd wager to say that Jewish liquor store sales are going to skyrocket because of this, if there's one thing that's universally loved and scoured for, its cheap booze. If you've got the same product for $1 less, I'll drive upwards of 35 miles for it...Why else do you think I roll on up to the New Hampshire State Liquor Stores every Christmas? Sure it costs me like $6.75 in gas, but the savings on those liquor box gift sets is priceless.

Wodka brand Vodka, you're cool with me.

PS: They apologized on Twitter...that's the company/celebrity equivalent of going to rehab in 2011, time to let it go everyone.