Woman Rescued After She "Accidentally" Fell into Trash Chute

DUNWOODY, Ga. (NewsCore) - A Georgia woman was rescued by firefighters Sunday after she became trapped head-first in a garbage chute. The unidentified woman accidentally dropped her cell phone into the chute at her apartment building in the Atlanta suburb of Dunwoody, and became stuck between the first and second floors when she tried to retrieve it, WXIA-TV reported. Police said trash lodged in the chute prevented the woman from falling into the compactor at the bottom.

Come on lady, just tell us the truth. We've all wanted to take a ride down one of those chutes once in a while. You can't tell me your phone accidentally flew down the trash shoot and you happened to comically fall end over end into it an expect me to believe it, can you? Just come out with it, I have no problem with it, every time I see one of those gigantic trash chutes coming out of a building I can't help but think of how much fun it would be to jump through it. 

There's an easy way to get down to the bottom of this woman's story too, just check the dumpster. If the dumpter's been prepped with soft garbage, cardboard, and maybe packing shells if they were available, then she was 100% just trying to cross something off her bucket list. 

If that's not the case, well then she's a walking looney tune...Daffy Duck never even got himself into situations this outrageous.

Entire Arena Football Team Fired At Dinner at the Olive Garden

Yahoo - The owner of the Pittsburgh Power fired all 24 members of his team during a pregame meal at an Orlando-area Olive Garden. With AFL players set to strike before the 2012 season opener, owner Matt Shaner reacted first, cutting his entire team hours before kickoff of a game against the Orlando Predators. Mid-statement, all the players got up and left," former Power center Beau Elliott told the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review. "Every player got up and left while he was still talking. There were 15 to 20 angry, large individuals." The AFL Player's Association was calling for an increase in the $400 game checks paid to most players on each team. The union demanded a 300 percent increase in the minimum salary. AFL owners countered with a $100 raise.

Let me just say this, the owner of the Pittsburgh Power, this Matt Shaner guy, is straight gangsta. I mean, there are power moves, and then there are POWER MOVES. This is probably the coldest move I've ever heard of. Firing all your employees in the middle of the Olive Garden's endless breadsticks and salad? Ruthless. 

I just imagine Shaner just watching all the salad bowls come out, the bread sticks hit the table, he's got an evil, Montgomery Burns like grin on his face, watches to make sure they've all taken a bite or two out of their first stick and then boom, drops the bomb on everyone.  "Bread sticks good guys? Good, glad to hear it, by the way, your greedy asses are all fired, but please, eat up, the salad and bread are endless."

The thing I don't get is the players leaving. I'm working under the assumption that the team was paying for this meal, no? Fire me all you want, but you should know that I'm not leaving this chair until they physically have to roll me out of the restaurant. The one thing you do not do is leave a bread stick behind, those thing are delicious. 

Tide Detergent is What's Hot on the Street: Record Level Tide Thefts Baffle Police

NEW YORK – Law enforcement officials across the US have been left baffled by a crime wave targeting an unlikely item -- Tide laundry detergent. Theft of Tide detergent has become so rampant that some cities are setting up special task forces to stop it and retailers like CVS are taking special security precautions to lock down the liquid. One Tide thief in West St. Paul, Minn., stole $25,000 of the product over 15 months before he was arrested last year. "That was unique that he stole so much soap," said West St. Paul Police Chief Bud Shaver. "The name brand is [all] Tide. Amazing, huh?" Tide has become a form of currency on the streets. The retail price is steadily high -- roughly $10 to $20 a bottle -- and it's a staple in households across socioeconomic classes. Tide can go for $5 to $10 a bottle on the black market, authorities say, and some thieves even resell it to stores.

You know who is really going to have egg on their face after this story, the CEO's of rival detergent companies like "All" and "Cheer." I can just picture the executives at these companies being called into board meetings or shareholder meetings and having to answer to questions like;

"Tide's shit is so good hoodrats and junkies are stealing it just to resell it, meanwhile our product is just left sitting there on the shelf. What's your 5 point plan for raising our street cred and becoming a form of ghetto currency?"

And there's just no answer to that, Tide has just got the game on lock. Yuppie housewives and maids with the family credit card just stocking up on Tide, raising the price, forcing the rest of us to either steal it or make the tough decision between eating dinner or washing our clothes (seriously, $20 for detergent fellas? Is the main ingredient regular unleaded gasoline?).

But seriously for one second, are there any black market Tide dealers in the Boston area? I'm definitely interested. 

 

Quite Possibly the Best Used Car Sales Commercial Ever

Cuban Gynecologist, American Auto Salesman, Either Way You're Fucked.

I have a feeling that joke would have gone over a lot better if he was a proctologist, just assuming I'm getting a few angry woman e-mails after that one, oh well.

You know what I like about this guy, he's direct and to the point. He's not bullshitting around talking about comfort zones, cup holders, and auxiliary ports, he's got Car!, Motorbike!, and he used to have a guard dog. It's a pretty simple sales pitch, you need a car or motorbike, he'll sell you one.