People Who Shop at Walmart- Stereotype Confirmed

Attention Wal-Mart Shoppers, Special on Fat Back Bacon in Aisle 6

No real surprises here. No real chance of me breaking my consecutive days not shopping at Wal-Mart streak either, which coincidentally began they day I got a job after graduating from college. 

If Obama and the government are serious about rehabbing the worlds view of America then legislation needs to be drawn up immediately preventing any visiting foreigners from stepping within 1,000 feet of these degenerate breeding grounds.

Massachusetts and Deval Patrick Condone Drug Dealers? As Long as it's Not on School Grounds, Apparently

"I do not support crack dealing in the classroom!"

BOSTON—A proposal by Gov. Deval Patrick to shrink the drug-free zone around Massachusetts schools is drawing fire from police and prosecutors who say they need the 1,000-foot area and the tougher prison terms that go with it...Some law enforcement officials say the reduction would allow dealers to sell drugs very close to schools and would weaken strong drug laws passed during the 1980s crack cocaine scourge...Supporters of the smaller zone say that many of the people arrested are charged with dealing drugs in their own homes, during hours when schools are not in session and don't realize they are within 1,000 feet of a school.

Is anyone else as confused by this as me? Because I'm so puzzled I have no idea which side to support. Aren't illegal drugs just that, illegal? Can't we just lock up drug dealers regardless of their location?

Supporting the shrinking of the zone doesn't seem to make much sense since I'm pretty sure only drug dealers would be in favor of that. Who else is lamenting the poor criminal who inadvertently sold crack out of their den unaware that they were within 1,000 feet of a school? You still sold fucking crack, who gives a shit!

Then on the other hand you've got the law currently on the books which seems to implicate that selling crack outside of the 1,000 foot zone isn't all that important.  Which again doesn't make any sense, because YOU'RE SELLING FUCKING CRACK!

Wake up Deval Patrick.  I think you have a few tougher issues to deal with instead of spending your time drawing arbitrary lines for where it is and isn't ok to deal crack.  How the hell did this guy get re-elected.

Professor Gets Revenge Pissing on Rival Professors Door

The Smoking Gun - Meet Tihomir Petrov. The California college professor is facing a pair of misdemeanor counts for allegedly urinating on the office door of a Cal State Northridge colleague with whom he was feuding. The alleged urination occurred on December 3, according to a Los Angeles Superior Court complaint (excerpted here) filed against the 43-year-old math professor. A hidden camera reportedly captured Petrov relieving himself on the unidentified professor’s door in Santa Susana Hall.

This guy's got no one to blame but himself.  If I had a dollar for every time I pee'd on someone's personal belongings because of a vendetta I wouldn't be wasting my time searching for potential advertisers for this blog, but you don't see me in legal trouble.  It's a simple scotch free crime when carried out properly.

This guy's troubles stem from carrying out his act in the hallway of a public building.  This is wrong on so many levels. First, its a public hallway, if some student walks by while you're doing this you're looking at indecent exposure and being forced to register as sex offender, this would seriously hamper your game as the cool professor who parties with students and hooks up with unsuspecting drunk co-eds. Second, everyone knows public hallways tend to be monitored, its common sense. And thirdly, what good does that even do? Oh I'll show him, pee on his door and have it drip down to the carpet.  All you're doing is punishing the cleaning crew bro, you gotta think. 

All three of those issues could have been handled by simply stepping inside the door, now you're in a private office, away from students and security cameras. Better yet you have a chance to piss on items your enemy is actually going to use. Personal items, chairs, keyboards, you name it, all better than a public door.

My choice?  Should have went for one of the visitor chairs in the guys office.  Soon as the professor's next visitor sits in a stagnant pool of piss you've won the feud.  He'll know he's been set up, but good luck proving it to the unsuspecting visitor with yellow stained pants that now thinks their teacher uses guest chairs as their personal restrooms.  Guy will be fired by the end of the day with no legal ramifications for you to deal with. 

Mom Brings Kids Along for Bank Robbery

My Fox Boston - A Georgia woman, her teenage son and two other teens were arrested Friday after robbing a bank together, the Atlanta Journal-Constitution reported.  Simmons pointed a handgun at a Wells Fargo bank teller, accompanied by two of the teenagers, with the third waiting outside in a getaway car. Lilburn Deputy Chief of Police Bruce Hedley said Friday that Simmons had checked the three teenagers out of school just before the robbery... Simmons and the three teens were arrested after a chase with police that ended with their getaway car driving into an embankment and crashing into railroad tracks.

At least they were making an attempt to take part in family activities.  What's that old saying? Families that heist together, get jail time together? Is that it?

In my eyes the mother only made one foolish mistake, never put an inexperienced driver behind the wheel of the getaway car.  The kid had what 1 year tops of driving experience?  That's just bad parenting.  You've got to know the  limitations of your children, know how much they can be pushed, or when they need a helping hand.  This kid clearly would have been a better trigger man or bag man, let him learn the tricks of the trade for a few years before putting the pressure of freedom on him.  Any teen can point a gun, bark commands and fill a sack with cash, it takes skills and ice water veins to lead your family and loved ones through a high speed pursuit.  You're telling me the kind of mom who calls her kids out of school sick to commit class 1 felonies doesn't have a trailer trash type boyfriend who was born to be a wheel man?

Is it Offensive to be Fascinated by Little People?

Boston Herald - Thousands of people were expected this weekend at the Motorcycles, Midgets and Mayhem show at the Seaport World Trade Center in Boston, but advocates for little people are frustrated by the mockery they say the event promotes. “People of short stature wrestling — I just find it hard to believe that people come to watch it for the sport of it,” said Barbara Spiegel, director of the New England chapter Little People of America. “That they have the m-word in it, it draws a certain crowd.” Steve “Puppet” Richardson, wrestler and founder of Half Pint Brawlers, said the audience takes them seriously. “Nobody uses (the word midget) as a hateful term,” he argued.

Who does Barbara Spiegel think she is? Just running around spreading her hate speech and discrimination against little people.  Little people have as much a right to promote and organize sanctioned bouts as people of average height do. Who is she to violate their consitutionally protected right to non-discrimination and deny them the career opportunity of their choice? 

It's not like we're talking about pitting half-pints against professional UFC fighters for our entertainment.  These are fair and balanced fights. People watch them for the same reason they watch any boxing or MMA match, we're naturally drawn to the primal brutality in the pursuit of claiming alpha-dog status.  Hell I used to watch midget wrestling with my grandparents back when I was 4 or 5 years old.  This isn't anything new.

And what certain crowd does the "M-word" draw?  Who uses the term midget as a hateful term? Last I checked we weren't talking about a group of people who were enslaved and forced into manual labor against their will for centuries. 

In fact I don't think I've ever heard anyone claim they hate midgets.  Everyone I've ever encountered loves little people.  Is there an odd fascination? Sure, but it's not hateful or mean spirited. It comes from a curiosity due to lack of exposure, I'm pretty sure.  Why do you think random midget TV shows on AE, Spike and Animal planet have been popping up and succeeding?  No one's running around trying to snatch up and auction off little people for their services, its just a curiosity into a way of life that hasn't been popularly documented or understood to this point.

And I for one take the half-pint brawlers very seriously. I'm fairly certain 90% of them could kick my ass, and that's without me fighting from my knees.

Celtics Kick Lakers in the Mouth, Does it Mean Anything?

Matt Damon, Smiling at C's Victory or Lakers Erection?

 LOS ANGELES—Paul Pierce says the Boston Celtics had no reason to discuss their heartbreaking loss in Game 7 of the NBA finals last summer before they returned to Staples Center on Sunday. With a spectacularly fluid performance on offense against the outclassed Lakers, Pierce and the Celtics showed some things just don't need to be said out loud. "It's another game, but it was definitely an emotional game, especially because we lost Game 7 here," said Pierce, who dueled down the second-half stretch with Bryant. "It feels good to come back in this building and get a win."

This is presumably going to be the talk of the office for most guys today.  The Celts walking into LA, at basically full strength, and and spitting in Pau Gasol's eye (no offense you just look like someone who's been spit in the eye a few times). 

Some of you'll undoubtedly feel tempted and swayed by loud mouth sports anchors that this exacted some measure of revenge for blowing game 7 of last years championship. I'm hear to warn you this would be the wrong approach to take, and could result in a lack of promotions and blacklisting if any of your bosses are actual sports fans and overhear such stupidity.

The fact that this is the first time I've really thought about or discussed the C's at length since that day (as it is for some of you I'm sure) should be enough to help gauge the meaningfulness of the two games.

Did it feel nice to see them walk in and get the victory, absolutely. They showed the desire and swagger I hoped for, but Pierce said it best "It's another game, but it was definitely an emotional game, especially because we lost Game 7 here."  The fact is, it was a regular season game, and no regular season game can make up for the  nearly unspeakable blown lead of last years championship game.

As much as the thought of Kobe angrily cursing out his teammates after the game comforted me when I went to sleep last night it's important to keep your exuberance in perspective.  Remember two things: One, it's a still a long time until June, and two, no banners were raised and no rings were won after yesterdays game.  We're not Jet's fans, lets all act like we understand the difference between the regular season and the championship today. 

And someone get Matt Damon for an interview and ask him what he was smiling about, that's going to bother me all day.

Pay Back for Credit Card Junk Mail

Picture originally posted here

While spending my Sunday sorting through bills, junk mail, and credit card offers and I began thinking there has to be a better way to deal with unwanted solicitations than simpling ignoring them and tearing them up, so I Googled it.

Apparently the good folks of the Internet have been working on this problem for a while, with the above being the best solution to date.