PBR IS NOT JUST FOR HIPSTERS

Urban Dictionary - 1. Pabst Blue Ribbon is a lot like the band Bright Eyes, Hipsters love it, but everyone else thinks its liquid shit.

 

This shit pisses me off to no end, I'm so sick and tired of Hipsters claiming ownership of the Blue Ribbon, fuck you guys. You don't own PBR, everyone, and I mean everyone in my college used to slug PBR's on the weekends, cheaper than your big 3 (bud, miller, coors), but better tasting than your average swill (keystone and natty), it was the just right choice for a night of getting blitzed in the dorms, it was awesome.

Only problem now is whenever I order one at a bar or pickup a pack at the store I get these looks like, "wait, where's your official uniform? you're not wearing horned rimmed glasses, plaid, ratty canvas shoes, or some kind of ironic shirt/cardigan combo." No, I'm fucking not, how very observant of you. I'm buying this because I enjoy its taste and price combination, not buying it to be ironic, or make a statement about beers. I'm buying it because A) It won a blue ribbon, I don't see other beers celebrating any of their awards on the actual can, and B) It reminds me of getting shitfaced with my friends in college and doing things like mattress surfing down the hallways. 

I'm fairly certain if one Hipster saw me ordering a PBR that'd be it, the end of the whole scene, things would instantly go back to normal.  They'd see me all casual on the weekend in my Old Navy T-shirt, or maybe right after work in the outfit I grabbed from Kohls, and be like "oh shit, this isn't ironically cool anymore." That's all it'll take, one corporate middle manager, living out a dull, boring existence in his cube every day, ordering up one Pabst and the movement would be over.

Unfortunately, it may be a while before that happens because I have no idea where Hipsters go for their beverages...probably some abandoned underground laundromat that they've illegal converted into a Speakeasy or some shit...I'll tell you where I won't be seeing them, at TGI Fridays with the after work crowd grabbing a beer.

And PS: Don't even think of Occupying The High Life next...I've got that on my resume as well.

English Teacher at a Malden Charter School Previously Acted in Films Starring All Male Casts...Nude, All Male Casts

My Fox Boston - Kevin Hogan is an English teacher and crew coach at a top-rated Massachusetts public high school, but he brings some unusual experience to the job: until recently, he was starring in pornographic movies. Hogan has worked at the Mystic Valley Regional Charter School in Malden since September. In addition to his coaching and teaching duties, he also chairs the high school's English department. But he can also be found on the Internet and in adult entertainment stores under his screen name: Hytch Cawke. His movie credits include "Fetish World" and "Just Gone Gay 8," and FOX Undercover found his third movie, whose title is not fit to reveal in a family news outlet, in a local adult store. It features him answering an ad to have sex for money. "Hi, I'm Hytch and I just answered the ad and now I'm here to see what it's like to be with a guy," he says to the camera.

I used to think being an investigative reporter on a news show was probably one of the more awesome jobs you could get...Not anymore.  I'm not sure where in the job description it states "occasionally may be required to view hardcore gay porn in the newsroom," but it sounds like that's exactly what we've got going on here, and that's kind of where I draw the line.

Plus my journalistic accountability would be shot, I'm just not sure I'd be able to look a dude in the eye while interviewing him, if just 30 minutes before me, my camera man, and my producers just sat down with a pen and a notepad and watched this guy get pounded in the ass. It's hard to come back from that and look at a person the same. Maybe that just means I wouldn't cut it as a journalist, I don't know. 

PS: As always I'll ask, how did people find out about this? Some parent or fellow faculty member perusing their local Amazing's video section?

Kidnapper Who Paid His Hostages is Doing it All Wrong

Fox - Can there be no trust between a kidnapper and his hostages? A man who held a Kansas couple hostage in their home while fleeing from authorities is suing them, claiming that they broke an oral contract made when he promised them money in exchange for hiding him from police. The couple has asked a judge to dismiss the suit. "I, the defendant, asked the Rowleys to hide me because I feared for my life. I offered the Rowleys an unspecified amount of money which they agreed upon, therefore forging a legally binding oral contract," Dimmick said in his hand-written court documents. He wants $235,000, in part to pay for the hospital bills that resulted from him being shot by police when they arrested him.

Umm, hey bro, I think you're doing it wrong...YOU'RE THE KIDNAPPER! You don't pay your hostages, they pay you for their release, do you get it? You're like the worst criminal I've ever heard of...Who lambs it from a violent criminal charge, kidnaps a family, and then offers to pay them for their hospitality? What the fuck, did you confuse their house with a Motel 6? Come on guy. Your first clue should have been when Mr. Rowley didn't ask you for a tip for showing you to your room.

Yea, it would have been nice if the Rowley's held up their part of the bargain, frankly I find the lack of accountability and follow through in America these days appalling, but you've got to expect it at this point. It's par for the course. It's not like you got a receipt for the bill of services, or a contract or anything, this day in age you're just begging to be ripped off without those. We're not living in the golden age of kidnapping anymore, hostages just getting Stockholm Syndrome the second they set eyes on your and shit.  We're living in the age of CYA, cover your ass. Which as good advice as ever for you right now...have fun in prison.

Sox Hire Bobby Valentine, Not John Valentin

Boston - Robert John Valentine will be the 45th manager of the Boston Red Sox, the team selecting him within the last few hours. No contract is in place. But Mike Lynch of Channel 5 is reporting that the Red Sox have a "verbal agreement" with Valentine to be their next manager. Major league sources told Globe colleague Nick Cafardo just prior to that report that Valentine would be the next manager but a deal was not done.

So we’re really hiring Bobby Valentine, huh? Not gonna go with my advice and check into John Valentin? I mean, I checked out his resume, the guy’s available, he’s the hitting instructor for the Albuquerque Isotopes…being an assistant coach for a made up minor league team from the Simpsons is the definition of availalable...

And trust me, that makes him more than qualified after someone of the schmos the sox interviewed this off season, I mean, Dale Sveum? Let me break down his managerial highlights:

You don't have to guess, He Was Out.

 And Then...

Dale Sveum's managerial career.

Crickets. No offense Dale, there's just not much there.

And bobby valentine? Hey you seem like a nice , personable guy, but aren’t you the same one who’s been playing parachutes or whatever the hell you guys are doing over there, in Japan for the last decade and making random appearnces on TBS? And aren’t you the same guy who was giddy telling everyone how well Daisuke's skills will translate to the MLB?

Maybe I’m being too hard, on him, who knows? I kinda just wish they went outside the box and didn’t go for some retread who’s washed out to some foreign country that measures how many miles per hour someone's fastball is in Kilometers, it just doesn't make sense. I'll tell you who sure as hell doesn't measure Miles per hour in kilometers, John Valentin (I'd also have accept Scott Cooper or Tim Naehring).