Maestro's Preseason Wagers

September has arrived, and though there was much fighting between the two sides and there was doubt as to whether everyone’s favorite pastime would go on as planned, there is no longer and doubt, as the Maestro has returned to the pages of The Alt Tab. I mean where else were you going to get middling gambling picks with the occasional chuckle this season? College football? The EPL? Wait, I think I just confused myself. In any case, I’ll be around to drop my gambling knowledge throughout the season and we’re going to start with some season win totals bets:

Tampa Bay Under 8 (-155): Gonna have to drink a little juice on this one, but I love this pick. I thought Tampa were a bunch of frauds all last year, and they skated by on their fortunate record in close games. The rest of their division improved and don’t get to play the NFC West this year, and also probably won’t have the luxury of their last 2 opponents resting their starters. Sure there is a lot of young talent on this team, but I think they take a step back as they aren’t quite ready to break out.

Pittsburgh Steelers Over 10.5 (-120): The Steelers were pretty good last year…you may have heard they made it to the Super Bowl. They now have an even stronger receiving corps, and have the benefit of continuity on their team throughout the lockout. Also, they get to play the aforementioned NFC West this year, as well as the in transition (or shambles) AFC South. The fact that KC, who I think will take a step or two back this year, is on their schedule as a division winner helps their cause too.

Miami Dolphins Under 7.5 (-120): Look at the Dolphins’ first 6 weeks…vs NE, vs HOU, @ CLE, @SD, BYE, @NYJ. Tell me you can’t see them going 0-5 there, or at the very least, 1-4. Throw in the fact that they also have to go on the road to the Giants, Dallas, New England, and have the Jets and Philly still to come to town, and that’s a recipe for under 5, let alone 7, wins . Also, their quarterback sucks.

Others (smaller bets/feelings): SD Over 10.5, KC Under 7.5. I like St. Louis to win Over 7.5 games, but their first 6 are BRUTAL, so I’m going to wait and see if I can get good division odds on them a few weeks into the season.

Some Futures Bets I’ve made:
Philip Rivers to win MVP - 10/1: 9 of the last 11 MVPs have been quarterbacks. As indicated above, I’m very high on the Chargers (and their quarterback) this year. You do the math

Calvin Johnson to have most receiving yards – 8/1: If you watched the Lions throw the ball all over the field and overdrafted Stafford for your fantasy team like I did, you can see how Megatron is a decent pick here.

Darren McFadden to have the most rushing yards – 20/1: Kind of a longshot here, but RBs are always fickle. McFadden tied with McCoy for the 2nd highest YPC in the league last year behind only Jamaal Charles and Brandon Jacobs. People envisioned Run DMC being an absolute stud, and I’m taking a shot on him breaking out this year at a decent price.

Saints to win the Super Bowl – 15/1: I think they’re the best team in the NFC

Good luck this year and hopefully I'll see you around The Alt Tab

Woman Arrested for Stripping at Strip Club Where She Wasn't Employed

CLEARWATER — Natalie M. Behnke disrobed at a gentlemen's club, began dancing and asked customers to give her money, authorities said. Which would have been fine — except Behnke didn't work there and she was no exotic dancer. Staff asked her to leave, but she wouldn't go, according to an arrest report. She tried to pick a fight with the real dancers at Baby Dolls, 13383 U.S. 19 N, and had to be removed from the club around 11:50 p.m. Tuesday, the report states. Behnke, a 25-year-old transient from Clearwater, was arrested on a charge of disorderly intoxication.

This I don't get...instead of having her arrested why not just hire her and take a cut of the profits? Is Baby Dolls the only strip club in America with some kind of strict employment standards? Drive by any strip club in America and you'll see a sign advertising amateur night at least two nights a week, its practically the lifeblood of the industry.  I mean, I can't even imagine what standards they'd have that this girl couldn't meet? She'd have to be just about the ugliest or fattest broad in America for a strip club to voluntarily have a girl arrested for stripping in a strip club. 

C-section scars, stretch marks, needle tracks,  bad weaves, all common place.  I'm going to be honest, I'm terribly disappointed there's no mugshot here, my mind is racing trying to figure out what this girl looked like for them to kick her out and have her arrested.

Dez Bryant, Who Makes $2.8 Million a Year, Doesn't Know How He'll Pay $850k Debt

Maybe don't buy that fucking ugly necklace?

FanNation - A return to football hasn't put financial trouble behind Dez Bryant. [According] to a source, Bryant's problems won't be completely solved until he earns more money or signs a new contract. Bryant faced two lawsuits in the spring seeking more than $850,000 from the Dallas Cowboys receiver. One of the suits was settled, but one is alive in Tarrant County. In the pending suit, Eleow Hunt, of Colleyville, alleges that Bryant and his adviser, David Wells, owe him about $600,000 for jewelry, sports tickets and repayment of loans. Bryant, beginning his second season, has four years left on a five-year, $11.8 million contract. He earned $2.84 million in 2010 in salary, signing and roster bonuses.

This could have almost been another installment of "People I Hate."

Stories like this always boggle my mind, like, the numbers just don't add up. Athletes have to be the only people dumb enough not to figure out how to live on salaries like $2.8 million a year. I mean how does this make sense? He's $850k in debt, with 2.8 million in income! Just pay the freaking debt! That's like if I lamented that I had a $1,000 credit card balance and went around claiming I couldn't pay it.  Dude, you can pay that thing off in like 4 simple payments, just don't be a fucking tard with your money and you'll be all set.  Maybe cancel the live at home strippers for a couple months and that'll free up some of your money, maybe tell mookie and ray-ray they need to get a minimum wage job for just this season because you gotta pay off your crews ice that you bought. 

I mean, this isn't the US debt ceiling we're talking about, this is a softball. Even Treas. Secretary Paulson could handle this little problem.  I mean, it really begs the question, who are these financial advisers to athletes? Like is anyone qualified? Do I have a shot at one of these gigs because I'm educated in common sense?

Kim Kardashian Bemoans Lack of Privacy from Paparazzi During Honeymoon

Yea, she looks real upset about the attention.

(NewsCore) - Reality star Kim Kardashian usually seems to savor the spotlight but on Wednesday she lamented the attention she and new husband Kris Humphries got from photographers while on their honeymoon. Though the buxom beauty allowed a crew from her E! reality show to film her August nuptials, she expressed dismay at the scores of cameras snapping the lovebirds getting cozy during their post-wedding getaway on Italy's Amalfi Coast. "There were people on lawn chairs with video cameras," she said during an interview "The View," adding that helicopters hovered over their hotel with the hope of getting the perfect shot. Given the unwelcome interest, Kardashian and Humphries, 26, are planning a more extended getaway at a later date, away from the glare of cameras. "We want to really try to find someplace else that's private," the 30-year-old explained.

Kardashian Translation: "We want to really try to find someplace that's exclusive enough that the paparazzi would have to pay us to follow along."

And you know what? I kinda side with Kim here. Typically I don’t side with celebrities over paparazzi issues, takes a rare situation, because for the most part, these sheep are only famous and in the public eye because of the paparazzi, it’s a symbiotic relationship, like the whale and the barnacle. But with Kim, it’s a bit different. 

This is a person that willingly whores out her personal life every single day for a payout. She has no qualms with the paparazzi, she just wants her cut. Its how she makes a living, and you don’t fuck with how someone makes a living. Like she has no discernible talent, she’s not smart, or the host of a talk show or anything, and she’s not providing any goods or services. Having her photo taken is all she’s got. It’s her gift to society and her meal ticket. She can’t let every Giuseppe, Guido, Paulie, and Mary just snap shots for free, she’d be out of business at the end of the week.

CNN Reporter Asks: Are Jobs Obsolete? God I Hope So

Meet the face of my newest idol.

(CNN) -- The U.S. Postal Service appears to be the latest casualty in digital technology's slow but steady replacement of working humans...the post office will have to scale back its operations drastically, or simply shut down altogether. New technologies are wreaking havoc on employment figures -- from EZpasses ousting toll collectors to Google-controlled self-driving automobiles rendering taxicab drivers obsolete. Every new computer program is basically doing some task that a person used to do. But the computer usually does it faster, more accurately, for less money, and without any health insurance costs. I am afraid to even ask this, but since when is unemployment really a problem? I understand we all want paychecks -- or at least money. We want food, shelter, clothing, and all the things that money buys us. But do we all really want jobs? Isn't this what all this technology was for in the first place? The question we have to begin to ask ourselves is not how do we employ all the people who are rendered obsolete by technology, but how can we organize a society around something other than employment? Might the spirit of enterprise we currently associate with "career" be shifted to something entirely more collaborative, purposeful, and even meaningful?

Don't be afraid to ask that question, my friend. You, Douglas Rushkoff, are an absolute hero. You represent everything I want this blog to be about, I will follow you to the ends of the earth on this quest.

So, are jobs obsolete? God I wish they were, I mean I don’t care what you tell me to do, just tell me I don’t have to work for my survival anymore, please. Like if you told me I could have my current apartment, survive on purdue frozen chicken patty’s, keep my internet connection as well as my same cable lineup, I’d be happy as a pig in shit. I’d join the peace corps or green peace or some other organization that only rich kids full of self loathing over their silver spoon upbringing currently sign up for because those organizations don’t pay shit. Just anything else but actually working for a living. If that means I believe in communism or socialism, then so be it.

Look, I still think there is a place for jobs, someone’s gotta keep pressing us forward, I just don’t think it has to be me, I think the author’s right here, that we’ve advanced technology so far, I’m pretty sure we’d only need like a dozen or so smart and motivated individuals to run all aspects of life. The rest of us could just toil with useful endeavors, researching fantasy football stats, contributing to Wikipedia, and occasionally pitching in a hand when one of the chosen 12 needs some kind of manual labor. Whatever the hell it takes, just make it happen. Because this having to pretend to give a shit about my job 40-45 hours a week thing is for the birds and getting old real fast.

Jay Z, From Pushing Heroin to Evicting Tennants of His Luxury Apartment Building, The American Dream

Fox News - Current and former residents at a luxury building in Philadelphia partly owned by hip-hop star Jay-Z say the music mogul's legal team has been relentlessly harassing them to leave until they give up and vacate the premises, FoxNews.com has learned. "I'm scared of Jay-Z," says a tenant of 603 North American Street, who because of what she claims are safety fears does not want to be named. "I've endured endless harassment from his team of lawyers, and I can't take it anymore. I don't know when this drama is going to end." “They filed a lawsuit against me knowing that I had paid the rent. The lawyer admitted it to me, yet they still filed the lawsuit against me,” says Tedeschi. “It’s total and utter harassment. They’re filing frivolous lawsuits. “If the owner of a building is trying to evict renters, the first thing that comes to mind is that they want to sell those units,” Atacan tells FoxNews.com. “It’s an investment decision. It sounds like the owner wants to liquidate the property–he wants to cash out.

No wonder Jay-Z’s rap career has sucked for the past decade. His motivation went from supporting himself by slanging dope to evicting his tenants from upscale apartment buildings in order to condo-size the place. And it's not just that he's diversified his game and now owns condos and apartment buildings, its just that the old Jay would have send thugs, kids with no futures, with bats and gats to harass these people.  Corporate Jay sends lawyers and process servers. Not exactly your typical rap material.

There just comes a point in time when you can’t be a rapper anymore, just can’t do it. Like I don’t want to hear about your glamorous life with your supermodel/singer girlfriend and her new baby bump, don’t want to hear it. That aint rap, that’s being domesticated. Sorry HOV, your time has passed, quit pretending you feel comfortable in skinny jeans and Airforce 1’s and get back to wearing multiple thousand dollar tailored suits and shilling over priced vodka. It’s what you’re good at now.

Completely Out of Place Girl Dancing At UNC Football Game, Boyfriend at Fault

Unathletic - I don’t even know this chick, but I know I would run straight into traffic if I was dating her. A. she’s dancing to Enrique Iglesias at a UNC football game B. She’s putting that little pom-pom in the dude’s face every two seconds… Alright, maybe it’s not that bad, but I’m not feeling it. 

That boyfriend is in a world of embarrassment...a world of embarrassment. Yea I know he tried to join in at the end, halfheartedly moving his hips around and raising his hands up, but you gotta see that for what it is, a last ditch effort to save some kind of face.  I mean he basically can't sit in that section again, and it's all his fault too, I don't blame the chic one bit, that's just what college chicks do, dance, act like floozies, and yell things like "wooo."

As the boyfriend, when you go to pick up your best girl for a UNC football game, knowing that everyone is going to be in white and baby blue, and you see this floozy coming out in a brown full length sundress it is your duty to do one of two things; 1) Tell her, don't ask, tell her that she's has to go back inside and change (knowing girls, she'll secretly relish the chance to try on more clothes even if she gives you attitude about it), 2) Leave tread marks and don't ever come back.  

I mean, its a UNC football game. She presumably either goes to school there, or lives in the area. She obviously knows the deal, you don't show up to these things in civies, it's a complete power move to see if the boyfriend has balls enough to take charge or not. In this case, not. Good luck being walked all over for the rest of this relationship buddy. She's probably out banging players on the basketball team right now while you make plans to buy her dinner tonight.