The Definitive Alt-Tab Happy New Year's Post

HAPPY NEW YEAR...From two guys who may or may not have been a couple of the Chilean Miners...Bet ya didn't think I had anymore Chilean Miner material left, did ya? It's a New Years Miracle.

In all seriousness though, Happy New Year everyone...and as always, if anyone says "See Ya Next Year" today, you have a one time amnesty pass on smacking them in the face with no repercussions.

2011's Definitive Year in Sports Video Recap

Editors Note: This one's brought to you by the AP, so it really might be "Definitive."

In summary: Rich people arguing with even richer people (NFL and NBA), Packers win, Bruins Win, and Collegiate Assistant Coaches made the Catholic Church look like a bunch of Alter Boys...(What? Bad taste in analogy?)

PS: Click the link to the AP's youtube page where this came from, the second most popular comment, "wheres the womens world cup?" That's cute ladies, thinking women's athletics would be in a "Definitive" 2011 sports recap.

2011's Definitive Very Best Fail's Video Recap

What would a day of internet recap's be without a fail compilation? Brought to you by MaYoMo.

By far my favorite part of any fail video is the people in the background gasping in horror, shock, and surprise...I've never really understood that reaction. My stance is, you took out your camera for this, you know this person was doing something stupid and this was your chance to capture an epic fail. Why are you so shocked? This is exactly what you were secretly hoping for...Yes, I'd 100% be that asshole in the background laughing after someone horribly maimed themselves. Call me a dick, but I say I'm just a realist. 

PS: I know it's 12 minutes, but if that opening clip doesn't just warm your heart and suck you in for the entire length of the video...well maybe you're just not cut out for the internet.

DJ Earworm's Definitive Mix of Pop Hits for 2011

Like how I just title things "definitive" without any real justification? Me too. 

Anyway, in continuing with today's year end video theme, here's my favorite mash-up of all of 2011's most popular (or overplayed, depending on your view point) Pop songs. Brought to you by DJ Earworm.

PS: It PAINS me to no end that 2011 was the year that "Moves Like Jagger" and Bruno Mars took over the pop scene...years from now we'll look back and realize this is the year that pop music died, just a little bit.

Double PS: The other popular trend for 2011 (aside from Adele depressing everyone with tales of her lost teenage romance...Get over yourself, that's what teenagers and people in their early 20's do, they breakup) is Whistling...Whistling is back, and it's back big folks. If you laid down a pop track with someone whistling in the background this past year, you were basically assuring yourself serious airtime...Speaking of Whistling.

HyperVocal's Definitive Recap of 2011 In Video Form

Anyone who knows anything about me knows that I love year end lists, say what you want, that I'm easily sucked in via a cheap journalistic gimmick, but I just love simplistic recaps. And since copy and pasting all of Time Magazines 2011 Lists just isn't a reality (I'd imagine that'd be infringing on one or 10,000 laws or so), this video is the next best thing, brought to you by HyperVocal.

It's 5 minutes long, if you've been avoiding the news all year long but don't want to feel like totally ignorant to the world at your upcoming New Years party, give it a view, how else are you going to learn everything that happened in the world for the whole year in the time it takes you to view one youtube video on the shitter?  

PS: Video Recaps = Theme of the day.

Dear NBA Officials: Please Do Your Job Better

The Devil of All Officials



A Letter to NBA Officials: Please do your Jobs Better
(I'm going to break this down in two mindsets: One mildly polite rational letter that expresses my dissatisfaction with the current standards of officiating, one a normal person who doesn't personally invest himself within the outcome of every single game. Then I will translate this message into my language, which is English that has been massacred into immense levels of profanity and slang. Enjoy)

Dear NBA Officials

It has recently come to my attention, after viewing multiple games of NBA basketball in the 2011-2012 season, that it there are significant issues that need to be addressed. Despite an ultimatum given prior to last season that travelling would be addressed, many players seem to get anywhere from 3-5 steps without dribbling the basketball without a violation being called, even though the rule book explicitly states 2 steps are the maximum allowed. I also find it rather discouraging that certain players seem to garner preferential treatmeant on a consistent basis. It should not matter if the player is a superstar or a bench warmer, consistency in foul calls would be a welcome addition to your officiating repertoire.

I know there has been a great deal of confusion for a number of years concerning what constitutes a block/charge call. I understand this is actually one of the more difficult calls to make in the game, but all we as fans as for is consistency. If you are going to let players slide in under an airborne player and have it be a charge, so be it. Just ensure that is the same call you will make during a pivotal moment in the fourth quarter rather than flip flopping like a politician. The same policy would be much appreciated with regards to touch fouls/handchecks. If the game is proceeding as a normal game should, why should players be penalized for merely making the slightest of contact with a player? However, do feel welcome to change this policy if the game is becoming particularly rough and tumble.

This would have been particularly helpful back in December of 2002, when the Celtics played the Suns and Amare Stoudemire exerted considerable force against Paul Pierce while Mr. Pierce was airborne. No foul was called on the play, and Paul needed significant dental work done following the game. I do not imply a foul call would have prevented his need for a root cannal, but it would have been appreciated, as well as prevented Tommy Heihnson from almost having a brain aneurysm. Attached is a video documenting this non-call (The section of the clip of interest is 0:36-0:42. You may watch the rest if you wish.) In the future, I hope to see an improved performance because I do enjoy the game of basketball, but the current interpretation of the rules on the part of the officials leaves much to be desired.




Sincerely,
A Rational Person

RANT TIME!!!

Dear Incompetent Fucktards

I waited through months of uncertainty, collective bargaining (edit: the owners holding the players balls to the fire to sign a deal that gives these billionaires EVEN MORE money) and the potential heart break of losing a complete season of my professional favorite sport. It looks like my thought process was idealistic to the point of sheer idiocy to think that, in the face of losing an entire season of work, you might step up your game to ensure the compressed season is enjoyable. Holy fuck, was I wrong. You guys, within minutes of the games on Christmas commencing, made me realize how very much I despise the small modicum of power you have but how flagrantly you abuse it. I'm pretty sure NFL players put the ball on the floor more often than NBA players going to the hoop. Fuck me sideways with a lunchbox guys, seriously? You are going to tell me that Derrick Rose can catch the ball at half court and get to the basket with only one dribble? I don't have the scientific date or any fancy calculations, but my eyes and sense of logics can tell me thats definitely bullshit. These guys get TWO steps (yes they are large steps, but the number they are allowed to take doesn't change.) Counting is a skill most of us fucking master by kindergarten, you should probably utilize it once in a while.

Additionally, this "Superstar" treatment horse shit needs to cease and desist immediately. I do not give two fucks if Kevin Durant or Darko Milicic is going to the hoop. If there is enough contact, call a fucking foul. If there isn't, let them play on. I am sick and tired of watching superstars glide through the lane, have a player brush their elbow on the way by while said superstar misses the shot, only to be bailed out by a "oh wait, shit, this guy is important, lets get him to the line." I know David Stern needs as much positive mojo these days as possible given the utter fuck up of the Chris Paul deal, but angering numerous fan bases due to "special treatment" doesn't seem like the optimal way to go about it. Hell, I'll be the first to admit, refs are starting to give these calls to Rajon Rondo due to his falling down or flailing his head back whenever he gets touched. It pisses me off because calling fouls for these acting jobs only reinforces players tendency to repeat this fucking obnoxious behavior. Nut the hell up, and make calls consistent based on what's happening in the game, not what the name on the back of the jersey happens to be.

You know what guys? I'll even throw you a partial bone here, even though you have done absolutely nothing to deserve it. If you are going to suck miserably at your profession without repurcussion, at least BE CONSISTENT. For the love of christ, nothing is more fucking frustrating than letting guys handcheck and bump each other for 3 quarters, 11 minutes and 40 seconds, only to suddenly decide that Darren Collison lightly resting his palm on Deron Willams's wrist deserves a crucial foul call. The same goes with block/charge calls. If you are going to let these guys barrel down the lane like an NFL gunner trying to take off someones head and crucify the defensive player, DO IT EVERYTIME. It's bullshit, but at least it would be bullshit going each way. It's the same as a baseball umpire having a wide or a tight strike zone. If you are calling the outside strike from inning 1 to inning 9, then the onus is on the players to adjust to the way the game is being called, since the playing field is even. But when a strike 2 inches off the plate becomes a ball in the 8th inning with 2 outs and the bases loaded, thats when people get justifiably pissed off.

Lastly, I have a special section devotely solely to spewing a venemous castigation of the SINGLE worst official in any of the major four sports in the country: Joey motherfucking Crawford. Not only does this guy consistently make awful calls at crucial moments (See: Christmas Day, when Marquis Daniels had a beautiful steal when he poked the ball away from Carmelo Anthony down the stretch, but Crawford, since he was cattering to Anthony all fucking game anyway, gave him a foul call because Anthony tripped to appear as if his arm was hit. Simply horrendous) but the man remains to this day resolutely and steadfastly unaccountable for anything he calls. A player cannot so much as ask, "What did i do?" without the angry sweaty bald bastard slapping the player with a technical before he can finish his sentence. It wouldn't matter if the Dalai Lama himself politely asked Crawford the time of day, Joey would justify his callous demeanor and absurd interpretation of basketball rules in same insanely batshit manner: Roar threats and/or feign the loss of your sense of hearing until all dissent has been stifled. Crawford is an asshole, an awful official, and the owner of perhaps the worst call in basketball history, which says alot given that the rest of the fuckwads parading as officials are only slightly less terrible than Crawford. See visual evidence below



Signed
Every Single Basketball Fan

One Giant Step into Adult Hood

If you're around my age, or even a few years younger with a couple of naive and dumb friends, you've undoubtedly noticed a growing trend on Facebook lately, Engagement announcements. Scary, right? It was just a couple years ago that we were barhopping around Boston, eating strangers food off a stick outside the Hong Kong, and polishing off boxes of cheese fries from Kelly's because we couldn't just fall asleep at 2 AM because of the clinically dangerous amount of Red Bull Vodkas we put down in a couple hour span.  Now we're all worried about diversifying our portfolios, 401k's, yearly doctor visits, and comparison shopping between various supermarkets. Things have really changed, fast.

And in keeping with the changing times, CW took the plunge this weekend, and let me tell you, it is a NERVE WRACKING experience. It doesn't matter if you're 100% sure of the answer, it is all in all one of the most anxiety riddled processes you'll ever experience, starting with the jewelry store. 

I'm not sure I've ever felt less comfortable than I did in picking out the hardware, just you and one of the Maccabi tribesman in some small office backroom squinting at stones and discussing the 4 C's, as if a 20 minute lesson is going to bring me up to speed and give me enough knowledge to haggle with this guy who's probably been slinging rocks since he was like 5 and spinning his first dradel. Just sweating in a backroom, while this guy lays out various options, I mean, can I get some background music, I'd even take a heating duct or something, just anything kind of white noise would do.

And then...Picking up the ring, my god. I felt like a CIA foreign asset walking out of that store. I walked out at the same time as some other guy, and legit stopped once I got outside and just loitered to see which way he was going just so I knew he wasn't tailing me. I must have turned and looked back 30 times over a two block span. Getting on the subway was no peach either, I've never gotten mugged, but just my luck that would be the day. Luckily nothing happened, I got to work and locked that thing away in my filing cabinet, and then didn't leave my cube again the rest of the afternoon. 

And finally, there's the big day, the day of the proposal. If you're like me, you want it to be a surprise, which is easier said than done when you're dealing with a significant other who likes to plan everything out. Try explaining that you want to go out for the day with no real plan, just dinner later in the evening and a day spent gallivanting around town leading up to it. Let's just say I eventually got us to where I wanted to, but the day was not without a few changes in plans (seriously Frog Pond, there was like 1 million people in line Monday afternoon, 1 million. No exaggeration), and she said yes (!!!), and then we went on a spree of asking strangers to take pictures of us that put just about every tourist in the city to shame that night (and there were ALOT of tourists around for the holidays). 

Now, apparently, we have to do this whole planning of the wedding thing, which needless to say, is not my strong suit. I'm a much more, "let's just wing it" kind of guy, which I've been told is not really an option when it comes to weddings. To my shock, just about the first thing everyone asked after we announced it was "so have you set a date?" This really boggled me. Felt like I was inadequately prepared to propose, like I should have had a date, venue and caterer lined up before asking. I've now been introduced to a whole other universe of the internet, the bridal and wedding planning stratosphere, which I guess in terms of popularity is like ESPN meets playboy for guys? Only I didn't even know this whole other side of the Internet existed until yesterday...Wedding bloggers, wedding planners, wedding message boards, its insane. Needless to say this is going to be an interesting experience for us from here on out, especially considering we're trying to plan a day over a year in advance, and I can hardly keep straight what our plans are supposed to be for next weekend. 

So yea, that's where I'm at, happily engaged (I swear I'm not a crank in real life, this is just my outlet), and nervously peeking at the road to come.

PS: More people react to engagement news on Facebook than Birthdays, which I found shocking.

Boston.Com May Need to Edit Their 25 Things to do in Boston for Under $25 Piece

1. Slip and slide - You're never too old for sledding. Check out 40 great hills around Boston and unleash your inner child. In need of a sled? Head to your local hardware store — or just flip over your trash can lid.

2. Rise to the Top after a snowfall - You'll want to time it before the snowplows do their thing in the city streets, but what better view of Boston might there be following a snowstorm than at the Top of the Hub? You can either do the skywalk observatory ($12 adults/$8 children/$10 students and seniors) or you can warm up with the restaurant's warm chocolate cake ($10) and a cup of coffee or tea.

10. Ski the night away at Blue Hills - OK, so it's not exactly buckling up and facing the terrain at Jay Peak, but a mere 20 miles from downtown Boston, Blue Hills Ski Area in Canton offers a close alternative for those nights when you can't resist fresh powder, yet can't blow off work either for a trip up north. Ski from 5-9 p.m. Monday through Friday for just $16, and 5-9 p.m. weekends and holidays for $24. Buy online for these prices. Now that's not a bad commute home at all. 

Uhhh...Guys, I was in Boston this weekend, and looking for things to do, and this was not a help, at all. Literally 3 of your first 10 suggestions, are apparently for a climate located several hundred miles north of here. Don't know if you guys have noticed or not yet, but Boston has seemingly changed latitudes to a much warmer locale. I very much came into town after reading this and expected to see some kind of a sledding, skiing, majestic, winter wonderland...not so much. The geese and ducks on the Common haven't even left for the winter, pretty sure they think this is South.

And this is not to say that I'm complaining about the weather, I'll take no snow over having snow any day, my aunt from South Carolina is up for the holidays and she's all disappointed there was no snow for Christmas...Yea, says the person who's going to fly back south once the heavy shoveling begins, no thanks, we like it just the way it is right now. 

But I am saying, that maybe, instead of just running your pre-scheduled pieces like you do for Parking in Southie after a snow storm, Best Pizza Spot in Boston, Fun Drinks for the Season, Parking in Southie after a Snow Storm, Best Al-Fresco Dining, Best Rooftops in the City, Parking in Southie after a snow storm (it's got to be killing you that you haven't been able to write that one yet), Moving day for College Students etc, etc.. You could just roll back to the October version of 25 things to do in Boston for under $25, as it would probably be more climate appropriate.

PS: This reminds me, I've been hanging on to this screenshot I took on Boston.com for like 3 months, if it included a parking in Southie link it would have been about as complete a summary of Boston.com as you can get, less Meridith Goldstein: Out door dining, best pizza, cheap eats, Boston Dining, all in one shot!

British Guy Shows Girlfriend A "Magic Trick" Prank

British people just operate on a whole other level as far as comedy goes (for the sake of this blog I'm considering Kiwi's, Australians, Irish, Scottish, and English as British people, as I have no idea where they're from). I'm 100% positive if this happens stateside you're seeing a mugshot of this broad on Fox 25 Nightly News at 10 after she viciously beat him into a coma with that pool stick. But this girl? Just laughs it off, sure she just got doused by a bucket of water, hit on the head with the same bucket, slipped, fell and hurt her foot, and her back is for sure going to be sore tomorrow, but "crikey, that was a jolly good joke."

PS: Is anyone else wondering what goes on in that kitchen when they're not filming "magic tricks?" The guy's got multiple stationary cameras trained on the kitchen...I'm going to go out on a limb and say he didn't take a couple hours to wire his kitchen for sound and mount a couple of video cameras just for a 30 second prank...

On Second Thought....

Did I say see you Tuesday? I meant Wednesday. Sorry guys, still trying to come down from the weekend, much like this little savage down here. We'll be back tomorrow full time, with big news and bigger blogs (unless of course one of the many talented staff writers accredited to this site pitch something in today...)

Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, and Happy Chanukah Too

There's not many Christmas songs that CW endorses, but Conan's "Minty Fell on the Ground" is one of the select few. It's got everything you need, a holiday symbol, a few wise cracks, a reference to excrement, and the word Christmas, that's it, that's the formula for Christmas Carol success...It's so damn catchy I may have to revise my recent blog about things I'm compelled to yell or sing when they pop in my head, because I've been belting out this number for the past 24 hours, with no end in sight...should be an interesting day at work.

I've also begun re-thinking Seany-Mo's definitive blog in which it was decided that Thanksgiving narrowly beats out Christmas in the Battle of the Holiday Heavyweights. I'm not saying I'm quite ready to overturn his decision, I'm just saying these last few days have made me realize its probably not as clear cut as previously thought. Note for my Yiddish followers, though your Holiday may not be in the running of the Battle of the Holiday Heavyweights, I promise there's a section just for you at the end of this blog...But please read the whole blog.

When it comes down to the actual day of the Holiday, I personally think Thanksgiving takes it in a landslide, you have 3 main objectives, eat, watch football, and finding a relaxed, comfortable position on the couch for maximum digestion. The actual day of Christmas is a bit more hectic than that, there's kids with new toys, wrapping paper everywhere, that random fruitcake or odd desert that no one really wants to eat but you feel compelled to take a bite, lest anyone feel bad on Christmas, only then you end up feeling like a hypochondriac the rest of the day wondering if your stomach is rumbling because of that half bite of fruitcake you had, or the 3.5 pounds of turkey, ham, mashed potatoes, and cheese cake. There's just a lot going on Christmas day, and frankly it's too much for me.

But here's where it gets interesting, in weighing Christmas, I really think you have consider the lead up to the day, almost as much as the day. And Christmas smokes Turkey Day in that regard. Sure the week leading up to Thanksgiving I'm mildly excited about the eating and drinking and football, but that's nothing compared to Christmas. For like 3 straight weeks I'm actively thinking, excitedly, about A) What I'm getting for Christmas, and B) What I'm giving for Christmas (here's a hint, gift cards), but mainly A.

There's nothing like chilling on the couch a few feet away from your tree with a couple of wrapped presents underneath it for building anticipation, or knowing that gifts specifically earmarked for you are probably in the closet right next to your bed while you're trying to go to sleep. It keeps me up nightly. I turn into a quasi Brad Pitt in the critically acclaimed SE7EN, only in a good, " I wonder what Santa brought me this year!" kind of way, not in a, is my dead wife's going to pop out of there like a jack-in-the-box kind of way.

Call me crazy, but I just think you have to count that level of anticipation into the overall ranking of the holiday. I've been giddy like a kid all week just waiting for this weekend to get here, I mean, I took the day off this past Monday and this has still easily been the lonnnngeestt week I think I've ever worked. I spent the better part of Wednesday afternoon, assuming it was Friday, so you can imagine how Thursday felt, and I how I'm bordering on a manic breakdown as I prepare for work right now (I'm sitting in my bathrobe debating whether I could skate through today by logging on from home and pretending to do work but really watching a marathon of Home Alone, HA2, Christmas Vacation, and Bad Santa)...and that's the other thing about the lead up to Christmas, the movies. Thanksgiving's got shit for movies unless you count that depressing as hell Charlie Brown's Thanksgiving special, which I don't. And the thing about Christmas movies is they have something for everyone's genre, no matter what your taste in movies. You want an action movie complete with dead European hostage takers? Bam, Lethal Weapon. You want a boring as hell black and white movie that only your grandparents can relate to? It's a Wonderful Life. Want to remember the simpler days as a kid when all you wanted was the coolest toy so you could fit in with all the other kids? Christmas Story. A kid or delusional adult who still likes cartoons? Disney's got ya covered. Have a weird affinity for seeing Will Ferrel run around in bright yellow tights with his bulge exposed for an hour and a half? Merry Christmas, here's your own personal copy of Elf. We've even got movies for those of you who are somehow depressed this time of the year, hope you enjoy A Christmas Carol(scroll like midway down). There's something for everyone (except Jews and Kwanzans), and that's something to be considered.

All that said, I'm not quite ready to dethrone Thanksgiving, but this new line of thought has probably made the contest closer than ever in my mind, but there is still just something to be said for a Holiday where it is socially acceptable, if not outright encouraged, for you to unbutton your pants and sit in the company of your siblings, parents, grandparents, and even aunts and uncles, in front of the warm glow of a plasma TV, with all of your pants opened. It's Magic.

Now, as promised for loyal Jewish following (do I have a Jewish following? It would really help to know my demographic, go a head and toss me an interesting at the end of this if you're Jewish, that way I'll know to cater to you in the future), I give you, Conan O'Briens "Human Centipede Menorah"

A couple of observations here, 1) There must have been all out, royal rumble style, fist fights backstage to decide who got to be the head in this ridiculous costume...I wouldn't be surprised if a one or two people gave their life trying to win the right to be the lead. And 2) One thing I've always been confused about, Chanukah (I prefer the "Ch" spelling, it seems more traditional, though this is coming from a devoutly non-Jewish person) is eight days long, yet there are nine candles on the Menorah. What gives? If ya'll were worried about the oil lasting eight days, maybe just blow out the huge overshadowing candle in the middle? I've just always found that strange, and I'm sure I'm not the first to ask, probably every wise-ass 2nd grader in Hebrew school has asked that throughout time, but that's the thing about me, I have the same inquisitive, smart-alecky mind of a Yiddish 8 year old. So along with throwing me an "interesting" after this blog, if you could leave a message detailing the reasoning behind the 9th light which overshadows all other lights, that would be fantastic.

Thanks to everyone who read this post in it's entirety, I wish you all a Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah, and whatever else you're celebrating...for the rest of you who just skimmed, for shame.

Just kidding, thanks for everyones support, see ya'll Tuesday.

Happy Festivus, You're Gonna See the Pole

"I find tinsel...distracting"

Happy Festivus everyone! I hope everyone has a fulfilling day, carrying out the feats of strength and the airing of grievances. 

$1 Million Cocaine Bust at Hotel in Peabody...How Come Drug Dealers Don't Stay At Nice Hotels?

Stock Photo for Cocaine, Hilariously Simple

PEABODY (FOX 25 / MyFoxBoston.com) - Three men from out of state were arrested in Peabody on Wednesday for allegedly carrying an estimated $1.1 million worth of cocaine. Peabody Police tell FOX 25 they arrested 38-year-old Jason Grilli, of Laval, Puerto Rico, Valentine Torres, 33, of Juarez, New Mexico, and 27-year-old Gerardo Rodriguez Florez, of Tuscon, Arizona on Wednesday afternoon at the Holiday Inn.

You know what I never understand about these stories? Why the criminals always stay in such mediocre, to sometimes downright shitty, hotels? It doesn't make sense. Every time you hear one of these stories about some unfathomable amount of cocaine or pot being found, with street values in the millions, the drug dealers are always, without question busted in some kind of accommodation that in no way is fitting of such a large scale drug operation.  Like, hey guys, we've got a Park Plaza hotel, right down town. I mean, odds are you're going to be killed or arrested, might as well splurge while you can, right?

Plus, aren't you basically asking for it, staying in these kinds of places? I mean 3-4 Federali's check into some out of the way or run down hotel/motel with way more baggage than they'll need kind of brings to mind the stereotype, you know? Like, I doubt anyone would bat an eye at you guys if you threw on some stunner shades and a designer shirt and checked into the Plaza, or the Omni Parker House, probably think you're some kind of crossover Country-Mexican musical act, breaking through in the States, not a rag-tag bunch of hoodlums peddling copious amounts of cocaine.  I don't know, just a thought, keep it in mind anyway next time you come through.

PS: It really bothers me how we continue to use the metric system for drugs. It just doesn't make sense. We defy all other countries in the world with our American system when it comes to everything but illegal narcotics, catering to drug lords and strongmen because they don't want to do the conversions themselves. Like for once I'd like to read one of these stories and understand just how much drugs we're talking about...11 Kilos? What is that? Like 10 pounds? Help me out.

Occupy Boston Dropping Law Suit Due to Time and Effort Required...There's a Shock

BOSTON (FOX25 / MyFoxBoston.com) - Residents of the Occupy Boston encampment have dropped their lawsuit against the city. They say slow-moving litigation wasn't the best way to meet their goals. Earlier this month Occupy Boston sued the city to stop it from dismantling their camp in Dewey Square.

Shock of the year, huh? Who'd have thunk these guys would abandon their grand plans at the FIRST road block that required some actual commitment to doing work? Just blows my mind, I really thought these guys had it in them.

But I guess the warning signs were there, it is the same group of people who were protesting things like, the amount of time it takes to pay down college debt, and the fact that their entry level jobs hadn't given them a pay raise and promotion to the level of CEO after a couple of years. Actually, the more that I think about it, the more I guess this makes total sense.

Of course the other factor could be that after camping out in a tent on a public street for over a month, a couple weeks of indoor heating and showers that aren't shared by the local homeless have softened their stance. I'm guessing a fair amount of them forgot what they were arguing for after experiencing luxury's like Microwaves, hot showers, and television for the first time in a month. Living in their parent's basements probably never seemed so awesome, and all it took was pretending they were homeless for a month to appreciate it.

So long Occupy Boston, and thanks for the blog material, it had been a great couple of months.

Westborough Neighbors Complain About Tacky Christmas Display

WESTBOROUGH (FOX 25/ MyFoxBoston.com) - A Westborough couple is receiving anonymous backlash for having such a large display of Christmas lights. Earlier this week, they found an anonymous letter on their door condemning the lights display. “Do you have any idea how ridiculous, ornate, and tacky all your outside decorations are??” the letter reads. The letter continues by claiming that in this economy the display is a slap in the face to those without jobs or financial stability. It also contains a threatening conclusion, "Please remove a significant amount of decorations, enough to be tasteful and respectful as our other neighbors are. Please do not force us to remove them for you."

First off, there's nothing particularly tacky about that display, I mean, they used white lights, the new standard for the new millenium, couple of trees decorated, a few reindeer, and most importantly of all, only one inflatable light up character. I say most importantly of all, as that's where you should start to draw the line on tacky, if the dispaly is overly weight towards inflatable characters and Santa's that look like lawn gnomes then you've hit tacky, but as far as I'm concerned that's not the case here.

The bigger issue on hand though, is it cool for neighbors to leave notes and be pissed off, if the display is actually tacky, has had me up all night pondering my stance. I've legit lost sleep over it.  On the one hand, I love the houses that go overboard, just load up every piece of junk they've found at the Christmas Tree shop for the last decade and anchor it to the lawn, the front porch, the windows, etc... Sure your house ends up with  glowing haze similar to a Las Vegas, rent by the hour brothel motel, but I really see nothing wrong with being a bit tacky during the Christmas season.  

A Christmas Carol: The Holocaust Meets the Holidays

The last thing I want is a boring Christmas like our forefathers used to put up with...Have you ever seen "A Christmas Carol?" That Christmas was a travashammockery, just dull as shit. People walking around in Top Hats, Tiny Tim walking around with one leg because his peg leg did double duty as the fourth leg of the dinner table, people eating chestnuts, Scrooge sitting infront of some awful soot producing coal furnace making general ledger entries with paper and pencil. Awful. If I were Tiny Tim and the life I had to look forward to looked like that, I'd have off'd myself. Hell, I'd have off'd myself if I were Scrooge, rich as hell or not. No one likes you, again, you have to eat Chestnuts, because that was the thing back then, and you're making accounting entries by hand on Christmas Eve. No Fucking Thanks. Give me tacky, light hearted, 2 fully functional legs and a bowl full of Walnuts any Christmas over that depressing stuff. I'd rather watch Schindlers List on Christmas Eve than ever see A Christmas Carol again.

Right down the street from yours truly.

Now, with all that said, I have to believe that given my nature, if I lived next to an overly tacky display, I'd 100% hate my neighbors guts. Yes, I'd think its cool on Nov 26th, right after they put it up, probably through the first weekend, and yes on the actual day of Christmas, I'd probably appreciate it. But all that time in between? Hate it. Try sleeping off a holiday party hangover with your neighbors glowing lights coming through your window, making you think you're Kramer living next to a Kenny Rogers Roasters. 30 or so days of that is enough to make someone snap...Actually, I'd probably make it through the holidays, I'm not saying I wouldn't be festering some serious anger, I would, but in the spirit of being neighborly and not trying to make things too awkward, I think I could hold it together through Dec 25. But that's it, no more after that. Like, the day after Christmas, if I don't see you making progress in toning down the display, I'd make progress for you. 

So where do I stand? Well, approximately the same place I stood last night at 12 AM when I was trying to go to bed. I like the tacky displays as long as you're not my neighbor, but for this specific case, I think the note writers were way out of line, as there's nothing particularly hokey or Ned Flanders-esqe going on in that yard.

Joe Schmo to Lambo Guy Must Hate His Life

The Thrill Of Victory. The Agony of Defeat. Rarely does one person get to experience such highs and lows within mere hours of each other, but when it happens, the comedown is often all the more painful. Just ask Santaquin, Utah resident David Dopp. The Frito-Lay truck driver won a green Lamborghini Murciélago LP640 Roadster, grand prize in the "Joe Schmo To Lambo" contest operated by Maverik gas stations and teamgive.org last month. Dopp, father of six, was finally presented the car on Saturday afternoon, after which he set about driving it around the neighborhood, giving rides to friends. His elation wouldn't last. Less than six hours after taking delivery of the Lamborghini, Dopp lost control of the 640-horsepower Italian, hopped a curb and spun it into an embankment 75 feet from the road. A witness, Miles Davis (yes, really), said that skid marks were evident on the road and that the car ended up facing the wrong direction. Neither Dopp nor his friend in the passenger seat were injured. Police say the accident was likely "speed-related," although Dopp reportedly says he was only doing 40-50 mph when he lost control of the car on a section of road with a 35-mph speed limit. Dopp maintains he might have hit some black ice or gravel.

The worst. What a disgrace. You didn't even open that thing up, crashed doing 40-50? Guy, a 1988 Toyota Corolla can handle corner going 40-50 mph, what the fuck happened? 

Here's the million dollar question though, does this guy sell the car, or keep it and continue out his average to below average existence (no offense David)? Doesn't sound like the damage should be too bad, just a fender-bender type thing so this should fetch a pretty penny. A quick search shows these things, brand new, and without an accident from some moron driver, fetching about $230k. That's a lot of bags of chips for a Frito Lay driver.

I always find myself debating this when I go to play the McDonald's Monopoly game or those car giveaways that I keep signing my parents up for in the mall, and I always hypothetically say you have to sell it. 

I mean you can't live in some small ranch house in Suburban Utah (actually, can you have a suburb if your whole state looks like a suburb? Like wouldn't Utah as a whole be a suburb of, like Vegas or something? I'm off subject), I'd say sell it and move to one of the real states now that you can afford to.

Elf on a Shelf: The Creepiest New Christmas Tradition I've Ever Heard Of

So Boston.Com ran this story the other day asking readers where they kept their "Elf on a Shelf," and then I started hearing other adults who've already procreated talking about where they're hiding theirs, and I was just sitting there clueless. Like, what the hell people, did I miss out on something vitally important to my childhood? What is this Elf on a Shelf?

Turns out it is the CREEPIEST new Christmas tradition you can possibly think of. Basically parents just playing mental guerilla warfare against their children. Apparently the parents make up some wild story about skeevy looking pixie/elf about how he watches the children from a different vantage point every day, and once the children find him, he disappears for the day, only to reappear the next morning in a special new place. 

NO THANK YOU. Even as an adult, do you know what would happen if someone hung an elf from my ceiling like that picture above? I'd freak the fuck out, probably grab a bat and beat that thing off the ceiling, because here's the thing you're not considering, in the middle of the night if I wake up for water or to take a piss, I'm going to see the shadow of that thing on the wall, and all hell's going to break loose. Nothing is worse than my imagination when I wake up in the middle of the night or first thing in the morning, I swear to god the other night I convinced myself for a solid minute that The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo book on one of our night-tables was a person looking at me. Not even kidding. I would look, close my eyes hoping it went away, and open again, and it was still there. Finally I had to just cover my head for the rest of the night until morning broke and I could make out what it actually was. 

So imagine some elf hanging down James Bond style from my ceiling projecting a huge shadow of a person on one of my walls. Shit would go down. Are kids not pissing themselves when they see this thing at first? Like I've seen pictures of them hidden in fridges, are you kidding me? I open that fridge and I see some goblin guarding the OJ and I'm going to have a heart attack. Probably slam the fridge door shut and keel over right then and there.

Side note, you know what this actually reminds me of? Black Peter. Who is Black Peter? To quote:

Before elves and eight tiny reindeer, St. Nicholas had a much more menacing assistant. Named Black Peter, this companion was the physical opposite of St. Nicholas. Tall and gaunt with a dark beard and hair, Black Peter was associated with the punitive side of Christmas. Traditionally St. Nicholas would hand out presents to good children, while it fell to Black Peter to dole out coal (and sometimes knocks on the head) to children who misbehaved.

Basically Santa's midget slave/enforcer doling out punishment for all the kids on the naughty list, and, I like to think he was the basis for one of my favorite characters in a Christmas movie, ever, Marcus the Elf from Bad Santa:

Jesus Vs. Santa: Battle Rap Showdown for all the Christmas Glory.

"And in the left corner, representing consumers everywhere, wearing Red&White: JOLLY OLD Saint Nick!"

"And in the right corner, representing the gentiles and Abraham, wearing a tunich, Jesus "The Redeemer" Christ"

Lets Go to the Tale of the Tape:

Santa:

Nicknames: Santa Claus, Saint Nicholas, Chris Cringle, Jolly Old Saint Nick.

Posse: Midgets in costumes who build toys and work at the mall part time during the holidays, pack of flying reindeer led by one with a very special genetic defect, and Mrs. Claus

Claim to Fame: Ability to deliver toys to every boy and girl around the world in a single night, noted fan of cookies and milk, somehow squeezes his large ass down chimneys all night long.

Beloved By: Greedy Kids and Simon Mall Owners

Hated By: Big Dradle Manufacturers

Jesus:

Nicknames: JC, Christ The Redeemer, The Son of God, The Chosen One, Lamb of God, Our Lord and Savior.

Posse: The 12 Apostles and a couple of Mary's, Tim Tebow, and God.

Claim to Fame: Walks on water, cured the blind, turned water into wine without fermentation process, rose from the dead.

Beloved By: Practicing Christians everywhere (people 50 years old and up).

Hated By: King Herod,  Pontius Pilate.

The Edge:

Actually, Jesus. I mean, he's got God as his cut-man. Sure Santa has a flare for the dramatics, and he's definitely the more fun guy to be around out of the two, haphazardly tossing gifts out of his magical bag once you get a few milks in him every night, but, again, it's Jesus. I mean he rose from the dead, people, how are you possibly going to knock him out? He's like the original Zombie.

Teacher Throws McDonalds Food Back Through Window With Video

LAKELAND, Florida -- The Polk County Sheriff's Office has arrested a Lakeland teacher for battery after she allegedly threw food at a McDonald's employee. According to investigators, 39-year-old Simone Paolercio was in the drive-thru of a McDonald's on South Florida Avenue Saturday morning when she got into a dispute with the window attendant over her order. They say Paolercio demanded a refund. When the manager refused, she allegedly threw the food through the window, striking the attendant in the face and chest.

The lesson as always...Do not fuck with people's McDonald's. Just don't do it. It never works out in a good way. People are irrationally crazy about their McD's. I can't explain it, science can't explain it, it's just the way it is.

And let me ask this power hungry, McDonald's drive thru manager a question...Was it worth it? Saving the $2.50 her food cost to get covered in soda and cheeseburgers, did you really think that was the right idea? Just fix her fucking order, because here's the thing, the person who took her order over the headset, I guarantee didn't speak English as their first language. Guaranteed. So they fucked it up, like they do roughly 20% of the time, because of the language barrier. Now, we all accept that this is going to happen from time to time. It's part of the deal with going to a fast food drive thru, the quality of food and service sucks, we know that. But we expect any mistakes that we point out to be corrected, and it's really not that difficult, just give me one of the 15 other pre-made burgers you've got just sitting there and I'll be on my way. Don't hassle me for the receipt, don't go over what Juan Pablo Sanchez thought I ordered, just take my word for it and replace my items, that's  all we're looking for.  That's your job as a white shirted employee at McDonald's, fix the mistakes of the non-white shirted employees. If you can't handle that, find another job, or accept that every once in a while, you're going to have a McFlury thrown in your face. 

Stop the Spin Doctors Hate, You Hipster-Douches.

I'd like to take some time to talk to you all today about a grave injustice that I've been noticing as a dangerous, and growing trend...Spin Doctors hate. 

What's the deal people? You can honestly listen to that song, or Little Miss Can't be Wrong, and tell me you didn't find it catchy, didn't bring you back to a simpler time? Bullshit. I don't know why it's become en-vogue to hate on the Spin Doctors, but it's time to cut that shit out, they have feelings too, ya know. Maybe save your misplaced musical hatred for a band that really deserves it, like Nickelback, and the people who support Nickelback.

What it really comes down to is just being a douche. I'm guessing it started with one music critic or Rolling Stones article and the rest of the sheep followed..."Oh, you like the Spin Doctors, I guess I'm just more artistic than you." Bullshit, you've just got a stick up your ass. 

I'm not saying they're musically gifted, I'm not saying I have their albums in my rotation, what I'm saying is that if one of the two aforementioned songs happens to come through my playlist, or get air time on the radio, I'm not turning my nose up and skipping the songs. They're good songs, they're catchy, they're fun. Stop being assholes and admit it. ADMIT IT ALREADY.  It was pop-rock, it had its time and place, and they made two endearing songs. Take it for what it was and move on people. Stop being such Hipster-Douches.

How Pimp Is My Bed Time Water Cup Situation?

"What Ya'll Know About Water Cups?"

Boom, that's how I roll folks. Out of regular cups because of a debilitating and compulsory habit of stacking them next to my bed instead of placing them in the dishwasher, but still need a nice cold glass of water before I go to bed, I roll with my oversized, Kowloon branded, Pimp Chalice. 

I'm thinking about getting one of those crazy straws for sipping though, it's hard to adjust to blindly grabbing a chalice at 4 AM when the muscle memory in your hand has been programmed for the last 20+ years to grab for a standard cup like a normal human being. Plus, I think the crazy straw will give me a certain je ne sais quoi. 

Yes, I'm still very much a child.

College Student Accused of Stealing Frozen Pizza, Coat, and Flag...Or as I Call it, Attending a Party

These two have  any balls, they'll wear this shirt to court

Police said two roommates got drunk Monday morning and tried to break into a College Street residence. Iowa City Police Officers responded to 327 E. College St. at 1:56 a.m. Monday for a report of two subjects trying to open a door. Two subjects matching the descriptions given to officers were located next door inside 325 E. College St. Police said the two men, were found to be in possession of a black coat, a Iowa Hawkeyes flag and a frozen pizza, police said.

Talk about getting a bad rap, if a black coat, a flag, and some frozen pizza are all that's missing, I'd say this was a pretty successful party. I mean how many people go home with the wrong coat, or with no coat at all after a normal college party? 5? 10? I'd say at least that many. I don't think I successfully went home with the same coat I walked in with from a single college party ever.  One semester I realized I'd been perpetually leaving my coats at this one kids apartment, and he took them all home for summer break, and I took them all back the next fall...that was the ebb and flow of college. I'm honestly shocked a coat was even reported stolen, you just steal one back. Head down to res-cafe and snag a similar coat of equal or lesser value.

And don't even get me started on the trumped up charge of stolen frozen pizza. I didn't even know you could arrest people for that. I don't think my roommates and I EVER hosted a party where all the frozen food in our freezer wasn't gone by the next morning. It got to the point where we were stocking up the freezer with just worst $.99 frozen pizza's and entree's you could buy because the theft was so prevalent. Joke was on them when they shit their brains out a few hours later. People treat frozen food at a kegger like party favors.

The worst time happened when a couple of drunks ate our frozen pizzas (the good ones this time, Digiorno), and then proceeded to leave a Thank You note on the card board box, which they stuffed into the oven, you know, so it'd be some place we'd be sure to find it...Like the next morning when I was preheating the oven and happened to notice a large chunk of card board chilling in there before it started a 5-alarm fire. 

So what I'm saying here is, any lawyer worth a damn will get these two 'tards off without even breaking a sweat, just go in there make a couple, boys will be boys, college students comments and walk out...

Happy Holidays from the Kardashians

Fox News - The Kardashians have released their annual holiday card and some critics are scratching their head at what they are dubbing a digitally-enhanced disaster. “The retouching is too much,” Andrew Irving, creative director of entertainment at Los Angeles-based creative agency.

Is Kris Jenner not the worst mom ever? Can't even get a single person in her whole family to look in one direction for a Christmas photo (with the exception of the kid, who probably just got lucky).  If these guys ever wanna shed the "wannabe" part of wannabe models, maybe some practice finding the camera and looking at it...smiles help too.

PS:  I think they got Khloe and Courtney's lower halves mixed up in the photo-shop. Also, Kim is at least 6'5 in this photo, which doesn't seem realistic.

Double PS: Something is seriously wrong with Lamar. For a while I wondered how a seemingly sane person like him could get wrapped up in this...but the moment you help lick the envelopes on a Christmas card like this, and don't have second thoughts, is the second I declare you legally insane.

Partial List of Shit I Hate (In No Particular Order)

Yeah, I know it's supposed to be the Holiday Season which arbitrarily means people pretend to be nice to another to solicit better gifts from their peers, but I'm more genuine than that. I'm sarcastic and cynical all year long baby, Christmas isn't stopping this train of negativity. Since I was coming up short on blog topics, and my friends at school were commenting on my remarkable ability to dislike almost everything, I decided to compile a partial list of the facets of existence I find most displeasing to me. I made the bold assertion to them I'd come up with 1000, which probably won't happen because I'll either get bored or run out of ideas and steal other peoples. So, here's part one of shit I hate, enjoy.


1.) B.C The Comic Strip- Caveman humor isn’t fucking funny, neither is their over reliance on puns.
2.) Healthy Choice Soup- Take out the sodium and flavor of regular canned soup and you get this watery piss that is a sorry excuse for a substitute
3.) 100 Calorie Snack Packs- When I want Dorritos, I don’t want 3.5 chips so I can watch my fucking waistline, I want a whole bag because they taste delicious and I don’t give a fuck about my inevitable weight gain
4.) Kobe Bryant- I have a particular distaste both for Lakers players and rapists, so he “wins” twice
5.) Old Nicktoons Not Being in a Basic Cable Package- Give me my fucking childhood memories. You take my money, happiness, and time from me Comcast, can’t you throw me a bone here?
6.) Cold Kitchen Tiles- No one likes starting their day with freezing feet
7.) People who Bitch I Drink Bottled Water- It’s a free fucking country, I am free to let myself be scammed if I so please, the environment be damned.
8.) The Fourth Kind- one of the worst movies I have ever seen, do not watch it, it will make you angry. In no way scary or believable.
9.) “My Kid is an Honor Student” Bumper Stickers- You should also add a “I have poor self image so I need to vicariously live through my child’s accomplishments” sticker as well.
10.) Diet Fads- There is no fucking miracle secret to weight loss, housewives of America. Eat less, move more for a while. It’s that simple.
11.) Christmas Classics Remixed into ‘House’ Music- *shakes head sadly* My generation has fucked up a lot of things, this might be the one that makes me most sad.
12.) Ben Roethlisberger- See #4, just replace “Lakers” with “Steelers”
13.) The New York Yankees- I could cop out and give each one a reason, but they don’t deserve that much space on MY list. Fuck all of them, especially A-Rod.
14.) Waiting in Traffic- Traffic prevents me from doing what I want to be doing, which is NOT waiting in traffic.
15.) Buttered Popcorn Jelly Beans- A vile blight upon the world of candy, it shouldn’t exist.
16.) Nickelback- Chad Kroeger and Co. whining about god knows what while playing the same power chords over and over again is utter garbage. He’s Canadian too, so he sucks even more.
17.) People who add “Lol” at the end of a text message- You didn’t laugh, you put that there for no reason.
18.) People who respond to the one word text message- If I send you a “k” or “word,” our conversation is over. Don’t keep talking to me, I’ve moved onto better things.
19.) Fat Chicks who wear thongs- Gross, leave that garment to the good looking girls
20.) Fat Chicks in general- Gross, please remove yourself from my line of sight
21.) Starbucks Coffee Size System- I get it, you’re trendy and a reasonably upscale coffee place, but on the rare instances that I am even in Starbucks, give me a fucking small coffee when I ask, don’t make me say “tall” asshole.
22.) Having all Vowels in “Words with Friends”- What the fuck am I supposed to do with 2 A’s, 3 E’s, 1 O, and 1 U, besides angrily throw my phone at the couch?
23.) High Beam Tailgaters- We are the only two cars on the road, do you really need to have your Chevy Silverado halfway up my ass with the flood lights on dickhead?
24.) Public School Lunch- A disgusting collecting of whatever the ladies in the kitchen scraped off the floor and threw in the blender that day.
25.) Piss Mist on the Toilet Seat- Im not talkin’ drops of urine you can see and get rid of, even if it sucks. Piss mist is so fine you don’t realize it’s there until you have settled in, then realized your ass cheeks are moist. Awful.
26.) Mosquitos- Can’t even detect them until you hear that high pitched frequency buzz, but by then its too late: you have an itch that never goes away.
27.) Leaving a pen in your pants pocket through the laundry process- I do this all the time, but it doesn’t prevent me from getting pissed off at the machines, even though its my fault.
28.) Abercrombie and Fitch Stores- The clothes are fine, but the stores smell like someone hosed the hole place down in Axe body spray, all while blaring pop music so loud it makes your ears gush blood. Disgusting.
29.) MySpace- Only pedophiles use this anymore right?
30.) Dan Shaughnessy- Made a career off of hating the team’s he is supposed to cover and willingly defiles anyone in the name of sustaining his alcoholic tendencies. Epitome of a hack.
31.) Chicks who get mad when guys look at their exposed cleavage- IT DIDN’T HAPPEN BY ACCIDENT, YOU PUT IT THERE! It’s like telling little kids not to look at animals at the zoo. Bitches.
32.) Little Kids on Xbox Live- Whiny, over emotional little pricks who ruin my happy time by screaming obscenetities about how awesomely they killed me. I take solace knowing these kids are all getting beat up at their respective schools
33.) Never Wears a Shirt Guy- It could be while playing an acoustic while in the quad or walking around the freshman dorm, the message is still the same: “Im a douche, I just don’t know it yet.”
34.) CatDog- Always watched the show, never enjoyed it. Took me until now to realize this show actually sucked.
35.) Conversation with Any Customer Service Representative- Take me, multiply my level of animosity towards humankind/existence by 1000, then give these people a small modicum of power and tell them their job is to assist other people. Result: Everyone loses.
36.) Hairy Backed Men at the Beach- I go to the beach to relax and enjoy myself, not see a sweaty, heart-attack-waiting- to-happen flaunt his self made back carpet off. There is no way you don’t know you have a throw rug on your back.
37.) Parades- These are fun when you are like 7 years old and the loud noises are a welcome distraction since you have no attention span. Now? It’s just a fucking massive traffic issue in the name of watching people walk in an orderly manner under some unifying theme.
38.) Cleaning up Puke- I’ve dealt with a lot of gross substances in my day, but puke is the absolute worst. The consistency makes it impossible to clean up in any effective way and the smell is REPUGNANT, making me want to puke myself.
39.) Cold Water Showers- I have no idea why people even bathed until there was hot water. It feels like icy knives are being shoved through every pore in your body. I’d rather smell like stale sweat and yesterday’s dinner that I spilled on myself than take a cold shower.
40.) People who call you, you miss the call, then they don’t pick up when you call right back- ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!?! What did you do in the 5 seconds between it being absolutely vital to talk to me and deciding that it wasn’t worth it after all? I hope you stubbed your toe or some other sort of minor inconvenience, because it would make me feel better.

Kim Jong Il, The World's Real Most Intersting Man, Dead.

Thug Life

The Mirror - Kim Jong Il has died of heart failure at the age of 69 - after 17 eccentric years as North Korea's 'Dear Leader'.

Sad, sad day for Dos Equis, because I have no idea where they're going to come up with their hilarious material, now that the real most interesting man in the world has passed. Sure the guy in the commercials is a gringo with a beard, but that's really just for asthetics, I mean look at Kim, would you put a troll out as the face of your beer? No. But you would use various tales of his life story if you ever stumbled accross his biography like I did that time I was an intern and supposed to be working but instead was reading the ravings of a mad man for 3 hours. (For simplicity, all facts below are from The Mirror, but are originally from Kim Jong Il's official biography):

1. Birth foretold by Double Rainbow and a New Star in Space - That is some straight up Willow shit, come on Kim, you just fell asleep watching the movie one night and it entered your subconcious, it's cool, happens to all of us...on the plus side, if it is true, we now have an answer to this guys question.

2. World's greatest golfer- I'm sure everyone's heard this one by now, Kim once sunk 5 hole in ones in one day, and fished a full par 72 course with a score of THIRTY FOUR! Note to Kim, when going for lies, maybe tone it down a little bit...I'd have considered believing you with 2 hole in ones and a 58.

3. Kim once kidnapped filmmakers from Hong Kong to create a string of movies, starring Kim Jong Il, battling Godzilla or something...see for yourself:

4. In 2007 Kim outlawed cigarettes nationwide so that he'd be able to quit smoking - Kind of like when that fat-ass in Boston, Mayor Menino, banned sugary drinks on city property so that he wouldn't be tempted to cheat on his diet. You're in good company Tommy.

5. Kim was the original OG, purchasing upwards 350K in Euros a year of Hennessy.

6. Much like Bobby Valentine says he invented the wrap sandwich, Kim Jong Il once claimed he invented the hamburger...McDonalds later urged congress to declare war after such an atrocious claim.

7. A Movie Buff he was not- Owner of over 20,000 films, his favorites were known to be Rambo and Friday the 13th.

And finally, the 10 Weirdest Kim Jong Il Facts:

Safe to say this is a huge loss, to foodies, golfers, film critics, and most notably Dos Equis.