Abbreviated Alt-Tabs

I was going to hang it up for today, there were a few stories that I just couldn't help commenting on.

Delonte West Acting Crazy Again - During a three-on-three game with Avery Bradley, Luke Harangody, Semih Erden and assistant coach Tyronn Lue, West began fouling Wafer each time the reserve guard touched the ball. West was increasingly physical to the point that Wafer exited to the locker room midway through the game. As he walked away, West barked obscenities and taunted Wafer. After Wafer had showered and sat down at his locker, West approached from behind and threw a punch. Wafer didn’t see the punch coming but quickly got off of the ground and connected on two punches of his own. He then wrestled West to the ground before being separated by the team’s veterans. West believed Wafer was responsible for published anonymous quote saying it was “obvious” when West hadn’t taken his medicine, source says.

Delonte West is starting to sound more like a baddass Mel Gibson character in some horrible action movie than an NBA basketball player. Riding around with three loaded guns on his motorcycle, banging teammates mom's, and now striking back at his antagonizers after days of laying in wait. Dude is straight up certifiable. If he's some how not cut this is going to be one hell of an entertaining season. 

Randy Quaid Running from Hollywood Hitman -Randy Quaid is on the run in  Canada and seeking refugee status. The actor and his  wife Evi are  facing charges in a California court and skipped another  court date in  the state this week. A California judge has now issued a warrant for  their  arrest....In  his prepared statement Randy claims he is the  target of a "Hollywood  Hit Team" that is out to "whack" him and his wife  Evi. At times tearful  with his hands trembling Randy detailed a long  list of "insiders and  employees" that he singled out for theft and  corruption. He stated that  eight actors, including Chris Penn and Heath  Ledger “were  whacked”  and others including Britney Spears, Lindsey Lohan and Mel  Gibson were  also being targeted. “We are not criminals nor are we  fugitives from  the justice nor are we crazy,” he said.

You may know Randy Quaid better as Crazy Cousin Eddy from the National Lampoons Vacation series or as the Crazy guy from Independance Day.  I always assumed he was just a good niche actor, cornered the whole market for acholics, unshaven bums, and lunatic rolls locked down. Sadly it turns out he was just being himself. (thanks to AJ, I had a whole blog prepared but he helped simplify it with a one liner)

Yankee Fan Put in His Place - The victim, a student who was not identified by police, was walking near the corner of Harvard and Brighton avenues early on the morning of Oct. 16, hours after the Yankees rallied in the eighth inning to defeat the Texas Rangers by one run in the first game of the ALCS.
A man wearing a gray sweatshirt approached him and asked, “Why are you wearing that hat around here?” according to a police report. Before having a chance to reply, the victim was punched in the face and knocked down, which caused him to bleed from his hands and chin, police said.

Because its random acts of violence to show support for your team are always fun.

Politically Correct Wiccans

Foxnews - Witch's Wit is one of Port Brewing Company's Lost Abbey beers, which the distributor calls "inspired beers for saints and sinners alike." Each beer sports a label that aims to tell a story about the struggle between good and evil.

But Vicki Noble, a famed healer, astrologer and spiritual leader in the pagan community, saw only evil in Witch's Wit after a worker in a liquor store called the bottle to her attention last week. Incensed at the image of a witch being burned at the stake, Noble sent an e-mail to her followers, asking in the subject line: "Can we stop this brewer from their hate imagery? Can you imagine them showing a black person being lynched or a Jewish person going to the oven?" she asked. "Such images are simply not tolerated in our society anymore (thank the Goddess) and this one should not be, either."...Still, Cynthia Eller, associate professor of women's studies and religious studies at Montclair State University in New Jersey, said the label was just plain offensive. "This woman could have been my great, great, great, great, grandmother -- if she lived long enough to reproduce,"

Vicki Noble and Cynthia Eller can cut the shit.  Its a frigen beer ladies, relax and throw one back.  No, the cartoon image of a witch burning at the stake is not offensive.  Because its a fucking witch.  If you're opposed to this you have to be opposed to just about any halloween decoration, The Wizard of Oz, Melissa Joan Hart, Charmed, and anything else portraying the stereotypical witch.  But I didn't hear you bitches witches all up in arms in these situations. 

No, this is clearly just another case of our society taking political correctness too far.  Again, its just a beer bottle. Protesting the bottle is getting it far more notice than it ever would have gotten if you'd just gone about your day without looking for some injustice to bitch about.  It's not like the company is lobbying for us to burn actual witches, hell its not like actual witches even exist.  You're a wiccan, in touch with mother nature and all that mumbo jumbo (yes I'm making fun of Wiccans, its odd and you chose to be different, deal with it).  You're not a witch, you don't ride around on broomsticks and you're not casting spells on villagers.  Come put a spell on me, turn me in to a frog, make me a mute, some shit like that. Can't do it? BECAUSE YOU'RE A PHONY AND WITCHES DON'T EXIST! Black people exist, Jewish people exist, witches do not exist.  There is literally nothing to complain about here.

And no, that couldn't be your grandmother.  I'm not sure you're aware of the difference between photographs and cartoons, but thats a cartoon, its not a real person, it's not your relative.  So stop causing problems where there aren't any, please.

Guest Blog: Awkard Moments in an Elevator

Yep, thats right another guest blog.  Lets hope this one get less lames than the previous two submissions.

Yesterday, a female co-worker and I decided to go out and grab an afternoon snack.  It is important to note that she is pregnant, and far enough along that you can tell she is pregnant.  We were joined in the elevator by a guy that works across the hall from our office.  While in the elevator this guy is awkwardly looking at her stomach, and you can tell he is just dying to say something.  He then proceeds to ask us if we are together.  Yeah, he went there.  After a few seconds of complete awkwardness, we tell him that we aren’t.  You’d think a normal person would just kind of end the conversation there right?  (Actually a normal person would never ask two complete strangers if they are together, but that’s beside the point)  He then tells us that he thought we might have been together because we were similar size.  Hopefully he meant height, because I don’t believe that I look pregnant.

Where do you even start here?  Asking two complete strangers if they are together is one thing, but when the woman is pregnant that’s a whole new ballgame.  That brings in all sorts of different dynamics.  The size comment is just completely baffling to me.  Like does this guy (Jon Gruden would be proud) honestly think that people are getting together strictly based on being similar heights?  Based on his theory I’d have a legitimate shot with Jessica Alba if she was my height.  Maybe he’s onto something here.

-Milosh

When Will People Stop Using The Post Office?

Is anyone else bothered that seemingly sane people continue to use the post office?  Its all so out of date.  I can think of literally no reason that I'm ever going to buy a stamp again.  Seriously, I challenge you to name me one.  And don't even get me started on going to the actual post office. It is Fedex, UPS or hand delivery for me from here on out. Have you been to a post office lately? The last time I made a trip there I thought I'd mistakenly ended up at the DMV.  Just dirty, unhealthy, bordering on  homeless looking people lined up waiting forever to carry out simple tasks that in all likelihood could be carried out electronically.  Its like a frigen leper colony.  Its disgusting and I'm never going back.  And why should I? Buying stamps for mailing letters/cards/bills?  Please.  It's all do-able online or over the phone.

We'll start with bills.  The only valid excuse for not paying your bills online is that you're elderly and can't figure it out.  And even then most bills offer automatic deductions.  Trying to buy stamps is the biggest waste of time I've ever encountered.  Do you know how hard it is to buy a fucking stamp anywhere else but the post office (which we've already established as a gateway to Hell)?    The US Postal Service wonders why they're verging on the point of irrelvance and bankruptcy? Maybe because you inisit on believing  people are willing buy 1x1 pieces of paper from you with glue on the back in order to mail anything, but you make them impossible to find unless you're in the actual Post office. Stupidest business plan I've ever heard of.  Pay that shit online and save yourself the time and .44 cents.

Mailing letters and or cards is a societal issue we need to tackle.  We've accepted so many technological changes over the past two decades that it boggles my mind that we still view e-mailed letters and e-cards as impersonal.  This needs to end now.  If you live far enough away from me or I see you sparingly enough that I need to communicate via letter or greeting card then you're not worth the $3.99 I'd need to spend on the card, the one hour minimum that it would take to find a stamp, or the .44 cents for the cost of the stamp.  Why don't we all agree to save eachother a bunch of time and a little bit of money and move the whole greeting card and personal letter industry online.  What is the big deal?  I'm still taking the time and showing that I'm thinking of you by contacting you. Who cares if I've decided to do it in an efficient manner rather than communicating the way previous generations did.  Shit changes, smoke signals were replaced land lines, and land lines by cell phones but you don't see anyone complaining that making my calls from a cellular device is impersonal and expecting me to go out back and light a fire.  Its ridiculous and I won't be doing it anymore. 

Rant Over.

Tough Being a Student These Days

Its things like this that really make me glad I went to school during the early pioneering days of the net.  When you could still find teachers and professors that assumed your paper was written based on hard work and research time put in at the library with scholarly journals and those encyclopedia things.  Yes I only graduated a few years ago but teachers were still naive enough not to think we were propositioning complete strangers on the internet for questionably factual knowledge. 

I personally blame wikipedia for this. Teachers began to really catch on as soon as the internet decided to fuck with academia's obsession with encyclopedias.  The idea that something that calls itself an encyclopedia could be edited or written by anyone and possibly contain false information was just too much for educators to handle.  You've got to understand that the generation of teachers that taught us were raised on the idea that an encyclopedias word was as good as gospel.  Threatening the credibility of encyclopedias was a horrible decision and todays students today are paying for it.  Thanks alot, wikipedia.

This Weeks Overheard at the Office

Yesterday I over heard a middle aged man in my office discussing these "Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" books (apparently its a whole series).  I didn't overreact when I saw girls everywhere (beach, cafeteria, subway, etc...) reading these oddly titled books this summer, or when Amazon.com had these as their top recommendations for like 45 straight days, or when I saw questionable looking guys walking around carrying this book in the North End.   But I'm drawing the line at middle age, 40-something old men in my office reading these books.  And this guy wonders why he's still single with no prospects (I overhear quite a few of his conversations).

He not only proceeded to gush about reading the whole set of books in the span of two weeks, but he decided to snob it up and discuss the Swedish film based on the book, talking up its artsy and emotional feel.  During this douchey lecture on foreign films he lamented that the American version (coming soon I guess?) would probably be too dumbed down to capture the same emotions...

Newsflash jackass, it'll be dumbed down and easier to understand because it will be in English.  You won't have to speak Swedish or read subtitles while you're trying to watch the movie.  And I wouldn't worry about it needing to be dumbed down too much  Any book that caught on and was a pop culture hit with high school-mid 20's aged girls I'll just assume can't too hard to follow.  Certainly no Chicken Soup for the Soul or Traveling Pants anyway (sarcasm).

Guest Blog: The Doctor Is In

Hey All- Today's guest blog is from a self-described television guru.  Feel free to comment if you like the blog as I could make his column a running feature.

I see it everyday. People running into my office yelling, “Dr., I am so bored at night when I get home from work. I just sit there flipping through channels and usually wind up on some movie I’ve seen 20 times or meaningless sports contest with two teams I don’t even root for. What should I do?” I have been helping people out for the nearly 25 years I’ve had my practice and I’ve decided to take my talents to The Alt Tab in order to help a larger audience. Ladies and gentlemen, for those of you looking for quality TV, the doctor is in.

Prescription #1: This Sunday AMC will premiere its new original program “The Walking Dead” at 10pm. The show is about a local sheriff who wakes up in an abandoned hospital and finds the apocalypse has happened. He sets out to search for his family and is forced to battle the growing army of zombies who now walk the earth. The tie ins with it premiering on Halloween are obvious, but I see a lot more long term potential for this show than just a few scares on October 31^st. The pilot was written and directed by Frank Darabont who wrote and directed “The Shawshank Redemption”. This should be exciting news for most people as I have met more people who hate puppies than who hate “Shawshank” (I also prescribe doing this if you have the resources). Now for those who need to convince a girlfriend or Mrs. before you can add this to the DVR, I have you covered. Tell them the plot is basically just a man searching for his missing wife and son, and that man is played by the guy from “Love Actually” who made the posters for Keira Knightley. Trust me; they’ll know what you’re talking about.

Prescription #2: Have you ever heard the Chris Rock bit about how no one’s ever met two American Indians at the same time? Well that’s how I feel about viewers of “The Big Bang Theory”, except I’ve never even met one of those. The real shame is how much better “Bang” does in the ratings than its competitor in the 8pm time slot on NBC, “Community”. This comedy is probably the best show you’re not watching and if you like laughing, references to 80’s action movies and pop culture or the naked Chinese guy from “The Hangover” then it’s time you tuned in. Also, it stars Joel McHale, or as he’s more commonly known, the guy from “The Soup” and Chevy Chase. The show gets some of the better guest stars on TV as Jack Black, Katherine McPhee, John Michael Higgins (the singing sprite from The Breakup) and Betty White have all appeared. My suggestion would be switching over from “Bang” (or stop watching that show completely, you’re better than that) and try “Community” for a couple weeks. At the very least try to find some way to watch the “Modern Warfare” episode of “Community” and call me in the morning if you don’t completely love it, because you might be stupid.

Prescription #3: If you were one of the many who grew tired with “30 Rock” after last year’s uneven season, I’m suggesting you return to Liz Lemon’s world. Besides the live episode, which I felt was more to prove the ability to achieve such a high degree of difficulty rather than making a funny episode, this season is back to where the show used to be. If you develop stomach pain from laughing too hard then I would suggest seeing a real physician. I mean haven’t you noticed I’m only discussing television and have no real medical credentials?

Prescription #4: I think most TV fans have shows they missed from the beginning and got too far behind to catch up on. However, they still would like to see it and are relegated to catching up on DVD. Even I, the TV specialist, can’t watch everything and have “The Shield” and “Breaking Bad” at the top of my list to view on DVD. This week a show I would prescribe to all of you premiered on Direct TV, “Friday Night Lights”. I am not telling anyone to start watching this season, you deserve better and frankly so does the show. Instead, make this the top show on your list to catch up on with the DVDs. Now I know these can be expensive and not everyone makes the salary of a doctor like me, but “FNL” seasons are fairly cheap on Amazon. This show was/is fantastic and I almost wish I could trade places with all of you and watch it all anew from the beginning. But then again, I could never return to being some kind of TV commoner either. What do you people even talk about? “Two and a Half Men”? Ugh, no thanks.

-Dr. Jack Shephard, TV specialist

Thursday Blues

To me, Thursday has to be the worst day of the week. Don't believe me? Lets break it down.

Yes Monday is bad.  You've got a whole week ahead of you, and compared to the weekend that you're just back from going to work blows.  But at least you had those two days of rest to get back to neutral before Monday.  You've got gas in your tank, and you know that you can procrastinate on any annoying work tasks that may come up because you've got all week at this point.  Any good Alt-Tabber can slack their way all the way through their case of the Mondays.

Tuesday- You've still got some of that energy stored up from the weekend, plus you're well into the work week mindset at this point.  You've got four grueling day left ahead of you but you can pace your expectations accordingly.  No one has ever been fooled into thinking its Friday when they wake up on Tuesday. For better or worse you know what is facing you on Tuesday.

Wednesday- Hump Day! This is sneaky my favorite day of the work week.  For me it brings relief, I know by lunch we're half way done the work week, and by the end of the day my mind is already drifting into weekend mode. This euphoria doesn't last though, it just sets me up for a gigantic downfall on...

Thursday-  I wake up after an optimistic Wednesday, fully looking forward to the weekend (I often wake up on Thursday thinking its Friday), only the realization sets in that I have two days left before I  get there.   My tanks is on empty but I don't have the adrenaline boost I get on Fridays knowing the weekend is right around the corner.  It's straight depressing.  Two days of annoying calls, fluorescent lights, chairs that screw with your spine to the point that you feel like the elephant man, countless excell sheets, corporate pep talks, and dreadful co-workers. 

Given all that its no wonder the expression TGIFriday exists.  The day is great by comparison, never mind the fact that it leads you into a two or sometimes three day break.  Fridays have it it made like the youngest child in a family.  After all the stress and work the others put you through (or the parents through), make you cherish that last day (or child if you're still with me in this diluted analogy) no matter what it brings.  

8 more hours to go until Friday.

PS: I don't care if you thought this blog sucked, Thursdays suck so its only fitting that my blogs suffer accordingly.  Lucky for you we'll have a special guest blogger later today, hopefully to lighten the mood.

Belly Button Lint Challenge

Foxnews.com - An Australian man has turned for what most of us is hygiene, into a world record.  Graham Barker holds the Guinness World Record for his‘belly button fluff’ collection after saving 22.1gm of lint every day for 26 years, Metro.co.uk reported.  The 45-year-old 'harvests' the lint as part of his nightly routine, and has now filled more than three jars of the material.  Barker, who told the paper he is "not obsessive," collected his first piece of fluff during a backpacking trip in 1984...The librarian vows to continue amassing the lint until he is no longer capable, and is even considering stuffing a cushion with his collection.

Challenge accepted!  Less than 4 jars in over 26 years of collecting?  Seems a bit on the low side to me, sounds like someones been slacking on their collections because I'm pretty sure I produce at least a jar a year of this stuff.  There's been days I've pulled out nugget sized fluff and just marveled at it, but ultimately threw it out...because that's the sane thing to do.  I didn't realize these somewhat disgusting naval deposits could lead to fame.  This guy thinks he's got it made in the shade, setting a record and getting all the fame and glory that comes with such an accomplishment, all the while concealing the fact that he has no challengers to his throne.  Well not after today, I'm coming for him and I'm coming strong, better step your game up Graham (yes that's his actual blog which I stumbled upon while searching for the above picture of his actual lint.)

And before I forget, stuffing a cushion?  That shit is disgusting.  Show some class, you're a famous world record holder, I'm sure you can afford some decent upholstery on the royalties Guinness is shelling out.  And if you thought women recoiled in horror at the site of your lint in jars, try telling them the couch they're sitting on while you're trying to round second base is stuffed with your man fluff.  That's a surefire way to end up harvesting your belly button crop by yourself for the 27th straight year.

Jersey Shore Rant

From a pop-culture phenomenon stand point its time to collectively agree that Jersey Shore has jumped the shark.  Is it still an interesting and somewhat funny show to watch? Sure.  But enough with everyone quoting and imitating these degenerates in public.

If you're with a group of your friends at home or some other private event, and you can do a good impression, its still  mildly funny.  At a bar/club/party with strangers/public sidewalk between 11pm and 2 am yelling things like "we got a situation", "Teeee Shirt Timmmeee", "Cabs Ah Heah", or "Champagne Yea", you're going to look like an idiot and be treated like the social retard that you are.  It's not that funny.  In fact its not funny at all.  You've decided your actual personality is boring and sucks to the point that you'd be better off quoting one liners from reality tv. Congrats.

And girls, you don't get off rant free either.  If you're short, brunette, and annoying as hell, it doesn't make you Snooki, or Snooki's twin, or Snooki's bastard step-sister. Why would you even welcome this comparison? A midget, pear shaped, no chin, pudgy cheeked girl with horrendous hair.  She hardly looks human.  So please, stop comparing yourself to her on Facebook, stop elevating your poof's to disturbing heights, and stop whining in a high pitched voice in public. Its enough to make someone snap. 

Oh, and good luck to everyone going out for Halloween who agrees with this rant.  Just going to be a bunch of lame fake muscles, knock off Ed Hardy shirts (I never thought there would be anything worse than an Ed Hardy original, I stand corrected), and imitation blow outs.

End rant.

Reader E-mail

From:        Mike  xxxxxxxxxxx
To:        TheAltTab@Gmail.com
Date:        10/25/2010 12:16 PM
Subject:        Blogworthy

---

You need a rant on how when you want to read a news story and it turns out to actually be a video.  I’m sure we each go through this at least 2-3 times per day.
 
I just did with the headline “Gator eats 50 pound dog in backyard”

To be honest, that should have been the first thing you blogged on for the site.  that’s the #1 “non-work related pet peeve that happens every day at work while you’re trying ot distract yourself from doing work”

First off, exciting day, our first reader suggestion (also sort of doubling as our first reader complaint?) as a reminder please send any thoughts, comments, suggestions or hate mail to TheAltTab@Gmail.com. 

I sympathize with you Mike.  Its annoying as shit, and I have no idea how I over looked this office gripe (I'm sure running a pop-culture sensation of a blog in my spare time while holding down a corporate job had nothing to do with it, even if the whole sensation part is just made up).  

You work all day trying to find lengthy or entertaining articles to take your mind off the fact that your job is no where near as full-filling as it should be, and that ultimately you'll be replaced by Indians and a few macros on excel within a few years.  It sucks.  At least have the decency to offer the video or a transcribed version of the events with pictures.  Is it that hard?  Takes me 10 minutes a day to slap up a blog accompanied by a quick google image search, and I have a job that requires my divided attention.  

You'd think these sites (I'm looking right at you CNN, no I don't want to view your frigen I-Report, just tell me what happened) would realize the majority of their views come during work hours and would take into consideration that maybe we don't want our cube neighbors to hear blaring audio of some redneck describing the scene of a 42 car pile up.  Maybe we just want a short description with a couple of awesome jpegs.  It's just common courtesy.  

By the way Mike, did you end up watching the video?  That sounds like something you have to see to fully appreciate.  Maybe drop in later and leave a comment with the link if you still have it. 

Lebron being Lebron

Which is to say bitching like a little girl as usual.  I'll tell you what you should do, shut the fuck up.  This guy and his people honestly have no idea.  Opening night should have been a big enough event, he could have came out, played ball, showed a no-nonsense attitude and commitment to winning and shit would have eventually died down. Let your actions do your talking, and let your gigantic ego rest for a night.  Would have been smart right?  Well maybe Lebron should have went to college for a year or so, or at least whoever handles his PR.  Honestly, no one at Nike batted an eye at the release of an over the top narcissistic montage for an already embattled personality?  They really thought an inside window into Lebron's mind (which apparenlty operates at a 5 year olds intelligence level, egocentric, bitches about perceived slights to any one who will listen, and takes the blame for nothing) is what would win the public back?  Epic fail.  I'll come up with 3 better commercials for "re-introducing Lebron" right now:

1. Release "grainy" home shot footage of Lebron working on his game this summer (which admittedly might be hard to find with all the time he spent partying and patting himself on the back). Have background voices from sports commentators playing in the background discussing his decision, have Lebron say something about motivation or having a lot to prove, and cut to a shot of him swishing a turn around. 

2. Light hearted series of commercials showing Lebron, Wade, and Bosh running half court games with various neighborhood kids, or against a trio of former nba legends. Hijinks and hilarity ensue, makes us realize we'd choose playing pick up with our friends in his situation as well.

3. Standard Nike black and white dramatic commercial, inspirational instrumental music accompanying the background. Video of Lebron as a youth on youth teams celebrating with his friends after victory, footage of lebron on aau teams celebrating victory with his friends, video of lebron on his highschool team celebrating victory with his friends (getting the theme here), and end with a shot of this picture.  

Basically anythign to play up that he chose a team, playing with friends, and winning over showcasing his outsized ego would have won me over.  Get used to those Hate Tweets Lebron, its going to be a long season.  

PS: If Nike steals any of those golden ideas I'm suing.

Double PS: GO CELTS

Tackling the Hand Washing Issue

Cold season is upon us, and the constant advice you will hear from doctors and friends it to keep washing your hands. Everyone claims they do, but do they really? A recent study found that although most people claim to wash their hands after dirty activities, when you observe them in person, the story (especially for men) is a little different.

Look, we all know men wash their hands less than women, its a given.  We're a disgusting group of people, we didn't need a scientific study to realize that.  Just last night I used my t-shirt as a face cloth and my pant legs as napkins, I readily admit that we're slobs.  Yes, those of us who choose not to wash their hands (myself not included in this group) are gross, but I don't take issue with these people.  Would I shake their hands? Hell no.  But at least they're honest about being hygenically-retarded. 

My issue is with the people in the bathroom that run their hands under the water for 1.3 miliseconds just for show so they can claim to be clean.  These guys are the truly scary fucks of society.  What kind of mental state do you have to be in where you go around spreading your filth all the while justifying it in your own mind because you splashed some water on yourself?  Just a sick, sick thought process. 

Someone needs to start a public forum to out these unstable individuals, similar to the sex offender registry, before we're all victimized with piss and poo-particle covered hands.  It's time to take a stand.

Bible.com Owners Ripping Off the Collection Plate

WILMINGTON, Delaware (Reuters) – A shareholder of Bible.com Inc sued the company's board members, accusing the ordained ministers of failing to profit from the "goldmine" potential of the namesake Internet property, according to a lawsuit.  James Solakian filed the lawsuit in Delaware's Chancery Court against the board of Bible.com for breaching their duty by refusing to sell the site or run the company in a profitable way.

The lawsuit cites a valuation done by a potential purchaser that estimated bible.com could be worth more than dictionary.com, which recently sold for more than $100 million...The company's business plan stated "it is the goal of the board of directors of Bible.com to become very, very profitable," according to court documents. The business was also to be governed in accordance with Christian business principles....Bible.com currently features a crowded mix of advertisements as well as a verse of the day -- "Do not follow the crowd in doing wrong" -- and offers links for Biblical answers to questions on voting and masturbation.

Where do I start?  I guess with the fact that Bible.com is being run by people more amateurish than yours truly.  I visited the site for the first time today and I'd say James Solakian has every right to be pissed off, he was swindled.  I don't know who was in debt to him for 400k but I can assure you that the site as it is now isn't worth more than the $60 I paid for this site.  No Alt-Tabs, no angry rants, no life lessons on how to deal with corporate life.  Just a quote of the day and a shit load of advertisements.  Nothing like the pop-up holograms of Jesus and God, or web-cam chats with the Pope that I was expecting.  It's almost like the site took the same vow of poverty that priests and nuns take (well except those rich black pastors, or mega-church quasi ministers)

And who wrote their business plan? "Goal to become very, very profitable" Who in hell (pun intended) approved their loan based on that?  6th grade alter boys could have written a more appropriate business plan. I know you're waiting to see if I follow that up with an alter boy joke.  I'd like to but I'm fearful of lightning strikes.  

Finally, I can't miss the last line offering links for Biblical answers on voting and masturbation.  Simply amazing.  A site that could be visible to billions, an unbelievable source of funding for charities around the world, has instead elected to lecture us on jacking off and election rigging.  Perfect.

I wonder if anyone can get me James Solakian's contact info.  We could use an investor or two, and his lack of business savvy would seem to fit right in over here at Alt-Tabs.

Foxnews.com: Horny Hypocrites

Not the kind of banner you'd expect on the front page of a website that countless far-right conservatives call home, is it?  But there it is, every single day.  I've been meaning to point it out for a few days now.  Its not always the same pics or stories but its always tittilating.  What gives Fox? 

I thought Fox News were the keepers of middle American conservative values peppered with the not so occasional spiteful remarks towards liberals, minorities, and gays. I certainly didn't think they were purveyors of provocative teens sucking on lolly-pops with come hither looks, Tiger's Whore of the Week Features, or 4-inch Brett Favres embarrasing booty call rejection.  Slam them for their moral infidelities, but don't forget to use their salcious stories to your benefit ,weeks and months after the stories left the news. 

Looks like I'm going to have to change my opinion of them though, maybe they're not that out of touch (aside from Bill O'reilly, in fact most of my snide remarks about Fox stem from the fact that they employ such a hateful, degenerative and simply evil human being. CNN has their annoying liberal slant but at least they don't employ anyone who's propogandist views could be construed as actually dangerous to society). 

And if this is some ploy to reach a new and younger audience then consider it a success, but why stop there?  How about a weekly column from a uniquely open-minded, yet cynical young blogger? No? Ok...worth a shot.  I'm not really looking to work with smut distributors anyway. 

When Do You Make the Decision to Call Out Sick?

Just another work day facing the question as old as time, do I call out sick from work today?  Full disclosure, the man in the picture could be my identical twin (if I had comically sized hands), I've hacked up just about every major vital organ in the past week or so.  Probably  bronchitis, but I won't go to the docs to find out for sure.  Know why?  Because they can't do anything for bronchitis, just give you some cough syrup and say good luck.  People with the HIV have more options than I do with bronchitis.

But back to the original question.  How do you know when you should call out?  Personally I'm not one to call out under faking conditions.  This might surprise some of you given that I slack off all day and blog from work, but I'm old fashioned.  I tend to think if I'm healthy enough so browse the internet at home, I'm healthy enough to browse the internet at work.  That's usually my barometer. Trouble with this case is I don't feel sick. I just have this annoying as fuck cough that I have to release every 3.4 seconds or I feel like the world will end and my lungs will implode (think of it like that button that Desmond was pushing in Lost to keep the world safe).  I don't have a head cold, I'm not contagious, but I'm still not sure I should go in.  I don't want to be that person in the office just annoying the shit out of their co-workers with the incessant coughing.  I hate that person, I mutter shit under my breath all day when that person comes to work, and bad mouth them to co-workers, now I'm that person.  Not to mention that I took enough Nyquil last night that my bed (where I'm currently blogging) still feels like I'm lying in the clouds even after a gigantic cup of coffee.

But you know what? I'm still going in.  I'm not even friends with most of my co-workers and I openly loathe the person on the other side of my cube, this will be good punishment for all the times she's annoyed me (I live to stick it to people).  Besides, I find my best blog topics while at work.  Too many distractions at home, sleep, sportscenter repeats, Gilligans Island, paternity tests on Maury.  All things I'd rather do than entertain my readers.   So be thankful I'm working today, its for your benefit, maybe leave a comment on one of the blogs today, break the ice. 

No Nonsense Weatherman

Bravo to this guy, a more professional weatherman these eyes have never seen.

He had to know he was being set up right?  I don't care if you're a life long A-sexual virgin, when you see a dick the size of Texas you notice it.  And did this guy let the juvenile defenders win? Did he crack up and roll on the ground laughing and attempt to play up the joke (like I would have). No. He just did his job with a straight face and collected his paycheck at the end of the week.  

And honestly, he completely sucked the inappropriateness out of the video, which is hard to do with a gigantic red dong on screen.  He so anihilated this prank that I'm willing to bet the station didn't even get in trouble for broadcasting this.  Probably had the guys down at the FCC calling their loved ones to make sure they survived the storm, didn't even notice that a cock and balls silhouette was ravaging the mid-west states on television right in front of their eyes.

So bravo indeed, Mr. Weatherman.

Birds in Hawaii Shockingly Dumb

KAPAA, Hawaii — The tradition of Friday night football on the island of Kauai has been disrupted by an unusual culprit: Young seabirds migrating to the ocean are mistaking stadium lights for the moon and stars, causing them to become disoriented, fall from the sky, and be eaten by cats. School officials canceled Friday night football for almost all of the season on Kauai and moved the games to Saturday afternoon, angering residents who are upset that their beloved fall tradition has been thwarted because of birds...These fledglings, some still with down feathers, are prone to mistaking the bright lights at sports fields, hotels, parking lots, and other places for the moon and stars, leading them to repeatedly fly around in circles. They become exhausted and eventually drop to the ground, where they’re often attacked by cats or hit by cars unless they are rescued by volunteers. The species is also threatened by pigs and goats that trample on their nests.

Schools in Hawaii must not teach evolution right? Just hardcore  lunatics creationists running the show?  Because this is as clear a case of Darwinism as I've ever seen. Screw the birds, I'm all for preserving nature but if the fucking animals aren't even attempting to help themselves out then its probably not meant to be.  I mean, they know they're birds right? When you see the predator coming you can just fly away.  I've been trying to run over pigeons since I first got my license and I've never been successful.  Know why? Because they're not retarded.  And you're in Hawaii, how hard can it be to find the Ocean, they really need the moon to guide them?   You can literally fly in any direction and these birds can't even handle that.  Yep, their destiny has been written.  We'll be seeing them in history books soon enough, right next to the Do-Do Bird.

Thanks to Ross for the link.

Alt-Tabs

Bat Cave Discovered -A larger-than-life Batman symbol was discovered on the roof of a U.S. Air Force base in Japan -- thanks to Google Maps, Stars and Stripes reported Wednesday…The military newspaper said a white Batman symbol, like the one used in the popular TV series and movie franchise, marks the home of the U.S. Air Force's 44th Fighter Squadron's Kadena Air Base in Okinawa.

Now this is the kind of message we want to be sending to foreign countries. You mess with us we’ll go all vigilanty on your ass (not to mention drop a couple of nukes).  The gov’t should be mailing this out as a post card to any countries posing a national threat to us.  “Look what we did in Japan, You’re next” is all it should read.

October is Velociraptor Awareness Month - Velociraptor attack is the 3rd leading cause of death for men age 27-29. However, everyone must think about the implications of velociraptors: young and old, men, women and transgendered persons.

I’m glad someone finally stood up to bring awareness to this issue.  Too many of us go about our days living in fear of these predatory creatures and their gigantic toe nail weapon. 

Obama on MythBusters - The president is set to make a guest appearance next month on the Discovery Channel's "MythBusters," the show where a team of explosion-prone pyrophiles test urban legends. The Obama episode will focus on the so-called "Archimedes death ray."… "I can tell you that I taped an episode of their show," Obama told science students at the White House on Monday as he welcomed lead busters Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman to the West Wing. "I didn't get to blow anything up. I was a little frustrated by that."

Damn, for a second I thought I was finally going to see the action hero President this country is craving.  Testing a “Death Ray” certainly fits that qualification.  Until you read further and find out they were essentially frying bugs with the sun and mirrors the way I used to terrorize ant colonies as a child. Fucking man up Obama!  Don’t admit to being frustrated you didn’t get to blow anything up.  You’re the frigen Commander in Chief. If you want to blow things up all you have to do is say the word.  But no, instead you admit to the nation that two science nerds called the shots for you. For shame.

Bad-Ass Goat - A mountain goat that fatally gored a hiker, then stood over the man and stared at people trying to help, had shown aggressive behavior in the past, Olympic National Park officials said Monday.

You’re goddamn right Goats are aggressive.  Hasn’t anyone read The Billy Goats Gruff?  These are the terrorists of the animal kingdom.  They’ll kill you and piss on you while you're down and show no regard for their own safety. It wouldn’t surprise me at all if they’re the masterminds behind the recent surge in animal attacks.

Media Member Fired over Questionable Comments, Fox Immediately Hires Him - Fox News has re-signed Juan Williams to an expanded role with the network in a multi-year deal, Roger Ailes, chairman and chief executive officer of Fox News, announced Thursday after National Public Radio fired Williams for his comments on the O'Reilly Factor Monday night, when he said it makes him nervous to fly on airplanes with devout Muslims.

Actually I don’t blame Fox here, they showed common sense and refreshingly didn’t overreact to be perceived politically correct as most media outlets do these days.  My problem is with Juan Williams himself.  Crying poor me after making racially charged comments on a national news show (even if it’s questionable as to just how offensive the comments really were) comes off extremely hypocritical.  I can only imagine how the Juan Williams and Jesse Jacksons of the world would have reacted if it was a white media member (or the devil himself, Bill O’Reilly) making comments to the effect of being nervous when around groups of young African-Americans or Latinos.  They would be vilified and no media outlet would touch them as far as jobs go, so spare me the bitching and moaning here.

Russian Elitism- MOSCOW (Reuters) – Moscow will open its first cemetery for the elite in almost 250 years, a popular newspaper reported on Wednesday, to make sure Russia's high mortality rate doesn't deprive the city's most famous residents of a final resting place.

Fantastic idea.  If you worked hard in life to separate yourself from the everyday scum then why should you be forced to spend an eternity with them as your neighbors once you’re dead?   The last thing I want when I die is to be stuck with someone dressed worse than I am or have a mooching neighbor bugging me all the time.  And lets take this one step further, how about a cemetery for only good looking people, I don’t associate with uggo’s in life, I’m certainly not going to want to when I die.

That's all for this week.  As usual, if you're enjoying what you're reading, or hate me but can't stop coming back, let a couple friends in on the fun. Don't forget to contact us with submissions, ideas,  hate mail, or opinions at TheAltTab@Gmail.com

Thanks- CW

How to Get Ahead at Work, While Doing the Bare Minimum

Continuing my series of lectures for upwardly mobile cubicle workers, today we'll talk about how to get by with doing the bare minimum at work.

First off, it helps to be intellectually gifted and exceedingly charming, like myself.  Coupled with these intangibles, this guide will not only help you get by, but succeed while doing less work than you ever did before.  Lacking the afforementioned gifts it will at least let you get by without being fired.

Don't Suck Up - This may seem counter-intuitive, but you must know that nothing is more annoying to your boss than a suck up.  Trust me, I may only be a lower level leader but people still suck up to me.  It takes every ounce of strength not to tell these people to shut the fuck up.  Nevermind the fact that they're sucking up to a person with the littlest amount of power someone can have at my company.

What you want to do is find a common ground you can tread on comfortably.  Think of it as if you were a predator luring in little kids.  You don't want to come on too strong or creepy, just enough to make your victim (or your boss in this case) feel at ease.  To take the analogy one step further (if I didn't cross the line already), you also want to get in and out quickly.  Don't linger around past your welcome.  I prefer the one foot in, one foot out approach when standing in someones doorway, it lets them know that I'm on the verge of leaving any second and that way they're not bothered by the length of time I'm chatting them up.

Do the Important Work - Little secret, its okay to let shit slide. But you have to know what you can ignore.  This takes a certain comfort level with your daily tasks.  You want to complete high visibility tasks and projects and push off the remedial work to those dumb enough to think hard work is the key to success.

Take Meetings and Ask Questions - This should be obvious.  They kill time that you'd otherwise have to fill with work and make you appear more important than you really are.  Some people bitch about having to go to meetings, you should too, don't let people know that you secretly embrace these wastes of time.  It's equally important when you're in the meeting to contribute by asking questions.  No one likes the deaf-mute that just takes up space at a meeting, I know you're just trying to blend in but you end up sticking out like a sore thumb.  Asking questions allows you to contribute without actually having to display any knowledge of the subject that the meeting is on.  

Act as if You're on the Way Up - Treat every day like you would an interview.  Lots of nodding in agreement and wordy answers.  Stay on topic but bullshit everyone you can.  If you're good enough at it your bosses won't know you're feeding them shit by the gallon.  And chances are that even if you're not the best bullshit artist your boss will still appreciate the effort, after all, how do you think they got their job as boss?

Booze Coming to a Starbucks Near You

NEW YORK (CNNMoney.com) -- If you thought the coffee at Starbucks was addictive, wait until you try the beer and wine…In a brief statement announcing the reopening of the store, Starbucks said it is offering wine and beer, as well as an "expanded food menu," at the location.

 Just Starbucks flashing their business savvy as usual.  What better way to capitalize on coffee's biggest consumers (hung-over students and post grads) than to offer them a little hair of the dog for their hangover cure.  I’ve always found the unemployed art majors and beatniks sipping $4 coffee a bit obnoxious, but the chance to see the kind of people who are looking for a fresh brewed beer at 9 am (frat bros, alcoholics, and the homeless I assume) intermingling some douchebag in skinny jeans and horned rim glasses listening to Norah Jones is just too much to pass up.  Sounds like a great idea for reality tv.

Maybe the Dingo Ate Your Baby

Time - On the evening of Aug. 17, 1980, Lindy Chamberlain heard a cry coming from her tent. Lindy, her husband Michael and their three children were camping in Ayers Rock (now called Uluru) in Australia's Northern Territory. Lindy had put her 10-week-old daughter Azaria to sleep in their tent. After the cry, Lindy rushed back to check on her and saw a dingo leaving the area, clenching something in its jaws. Azaria was no longer in the tent, and Lindy screamed the now infamous line, "A dingo's got my baby!"
Wait, What? Am I the only one that didn't know the famous quote from Elaine on Seinfeld pertained to an actual baby being eaten by an actual Dingo? How is it that I'm just finding this out?  I feel dumb for admitting it but I've always just figured it was some reference to one of the Crocodile Dundee movies that I never bothered watching.  To be completely honest up until some point in high school I just assumed the Dingo was some mythical Australian animal, much like El Chupcabra.  

Knowing that such a ridiculous one liner was actually uttered got me wondering.  What would be the funniest line from a tv show or movie to later find out was actually a quote from a real life situation.  My answer has to be:

If you think you have a better one drop a comment and let us know.

Dude Re-enacts scene from The Hangover on C-SPAN

Just Wow.  Normally I'd be all over this tighty whitey wearing wasp for airing his humiliations in public, but I haven't heard a dude eviscerate someone is such a complete fashion since Tupac took on Biggie in Hit Em Up.

The side kick to his right makes the video, I'm still trying to decide if he was a plant for his laugh or if that's nervous laughter b/c he was railing this guys chick during their two year relationship. 

Office Etiquette Tips: Food at a Meeting

We've all been there.  The early morning meeting with coffee/bagels/donuts, the luncheon with pizza and finger sandwiches, or the nooner w/ cookies, cake and pie.  When, what, and how much to eat can be a nightmare to navigate for some.  

Not me. I possess a curious level of self confidence in situations where I really have no business being so confident.  Maybe I'm just ignorant to situations where I should feel out of place, or maybe I'm really that much better than most, either way I'm here today to share some tips for navigating this little slice of corporate life.  As is my style, we're going to break this one down into three phases, When, What, and How Much.

When - Right away.  You want to set the pace and make everyone adjust to your strategy. You don't want to be the guy caught on his heels and then proceed to hold up the meeting as everyone is waiting for you to finish fixing your plate.  Bosses want to see aggressive, proactive people.  Even if you're dumb as shit and suck at your job this is your time to shine.  Girls need to be even more aggressive.  Despite all the progress you've made the power balance still generally tips towards men in the office.  You need to get in their and mix it up early to show you can hang with the swinging dicks of the office.

What - There's two schools of thought here. 1) Similar to a business luncheon at a restaurant, just get whatever you see your boss getting.  Tried and true method, nothing flashy, just a safe play.  2) Pick the best, most self indulging option.  Shows no fear.  You know what you want and you're going to get it.  Will impress your higher-ups and intimidate your peers. I prefer this route if you have upward aspirations. 

How Much - There's a bit of a double standard here, I'm not going to apologize for it, its just the way it is.  Girls, too often you make the mistake of not eating, this shows meekness and a lack of self confidence. We will not think you're fat if you grab a plate with the rest of us.  We will think you're fat if you grab a second helping though, so make sure you grab everything you want the first time through. I don't make the rules, its just the way it is, don't kill the messenger.  Guys, it comes back to aggressiveness.  If everyone's gotten their first round feel free to go up for seconds.  Only rule at play here is you must avoid the food coma.  No one in history has ever been promoted after needing to be rolled out of a meeting while drooling on themselves. 

The only hiccup you could run into is the rare situation when corporate decides to serve up ethnic foods.  If you can stomach it, follow the rules above.  If ethnic foods wreak havoc on your digestive system then claim heartburn.  In my experience any other excuse comes off racist. 

That's it, that should cover just about any situation you run into. You're on your own from here.

The Rent is Too Damn High

I'm not sure how this guy isn't the governor of New York right now.  NY doesn't want him that's their loss, come on up to Boston, The Rent is Too Damn High here too.  Say what you want, he's a lunatic, looks homeless (probably due to rent that was too damn high), or that he's a loose cannon.  But just make sure you're not saying it to his face, he's a karate expert.  

If there was a way to get Phil Davison on the TRITDH (The Rent Is Too Damn High) party ticket these guys could make a run at the White House together. Of course the rent is probably too damn high there too.

Generation of Nincompoops

Before some asshole points out that this article's been around for a few weeks now, know that I realize this.  I've been busy, running a blogging empire third world country is time consuming.

NEW YORK—Second-graders who can't tie shoes or zip jackets. Four-year-olds in Pull-Ups diapers. Five-year-olds in strollers. Teens and preteens befuddled by can openers and ice-cube trays. College kids who've never done laundry, taken a bus alone or addressed an envelope...Mark Bauerlein, author of the best-selling book "The Dumbest Generation," which contends that cyberculture is turning young people into know-nothings, says "the absence of technology" confuses kids faced with simple mechanical tasks. But Bauerlein says there's a second factor: "a loss of independence and a loss of initiative." He says that growing up with cell phones and Google means kids don't have to figure things out or solve problems any more. They can look up what they need online or call mom or dad for step-by-step instructions. 

Cut the shit you old bag.  When's the last time you took up some of your grandparents daily chores?  Churned butter or skinned a chicken lately?  How about fiddling with the antenna to pick up tv reception, or getting up and manually changing the channel?  I'm pretty sure you didn't dust off the old typewriter for your article either, and you can't be happy at all that your cranky old lady rantings were published on the world wide web instead of in print.  And complaining about Pull-Ups?  Would you rather be rinsing your grandkids shit out of cotton underwear?

If kids really don't understand how an ice cube tray or can opener work then I blame their lazy parents.  But everything else in this article is just your typical run of the mill rantings from a cranky old person who is quickly realizing how useless their skills are in today's society. 

Look, I don't blame you for giving up on keeping up with all the worlds advances, there's a lot going on.  But if you've reached the point where you've decided to give up on life then spare us your verbal diarrhea and fade into Bolivia.  Yes we grew up with cell phones and that mysterious google thing.  So no, we don't need to carry around personal contact books and rolls of quarters to get in touch with people, or waste hours reading crappy instruction manuals when we need to solve a problem.  If you feel like wasting your time on these unnecessary tasks go right ahead. While you're at it why don't you hand wash my laundry.

Your life was more efficient and advanced than your parents, its the same for us.  Now excuse me, my Pull-Up needs changing.

Joan Rivers?

WFXT - New York Post -- Some women think of their husbands' moms as monsters-in-law and would do almost anything -- including having a root canal -- to get out of spending time with them, the New York Post reported Monday...When asked who they might like to have as a mother-in-law, 17 percent of the women said they would like Hillary Rodham Clinton, 16 percent said reality-show star Kris Kardashian Jenner, 9 percent said Sarah Palin and 7 percent said Joan Rivers.

Really Ladies?  You don't think that the problem could be related to your deranged, delusional, irrational thoughts on this one?  I know there can be mother in laws out there that are absolute bitches to deal with but Joan Rivers, Sarah Palin, Hillary, and Kris Kardashian?  If you were starting a mother in laws from hell basketball team that would be four of your starting five (the fifth being the mother in law from Everyone Loves Raymond). Lets just break each one down real quick:

Rivers - Bitch of all Bitches. Would critique your appearance every chance she got

Palin - Definition of an overachiever, 3 kids, a grandkid and a Nationally Mocked admired idiot politician. So you'd have that to live up to.

Hillary - Cold as ice personality and the ultimate perfectionist. Good luck warming up to her.

Kris Kardashian - Great if you're looking for your mother in law to whore you out the way she has done and continues to do with her daughters.

Just further proof that girls are usually their own worst enemy when it comes to relationships (that and you're watching entirely too much reality television).  I'm not saying guys don't have their faults too, but if this survey is any indication,  you girls are on a whole other level of crazy.