Who Knew the Mayans Would be Wrong? Ohhh Right, Sane People.

You mean to tell me a civilization that all but went extinct hundreds of years ago wasn't able to accurately predict the end of the world? That's weird.

On a more serious note, how dumb to the people who shelled out for these super bunkers have to feel? Would it kill CNN or Fox to get a news crew out to one of these things to catch a first glimpse of all these "survivalists" turtleheading out of their bunkers and seeing that all their years of preparation and money they forked over was for nothing.  The look on their faces will be priceless.

This is the closest I was able to find by googling "Coming out of doomsday bunker"

My Favorite Commercial of the Year: "Just 99 Cents Any Size"

Gets me every time. When that giant man-garoo zips his little Joey back up, I lose it.

PS: This is the exact reason I won't drink gas station coffee. 99 Cents or not. Just a string of freakshows coming in and handling that shit all day long. I mean Frankenstein and Igor over here were probably just the most photogenic people of the day to grab a Cumby's coffee and that's how they were selected...imagine the other cretins.

Brookline Cops Will Address Gangster Turkeys

That's a real graph folks, I didn't even make it up.

Boston - Karen Halvorson was walking down Tappan Street in Brookline about a month ago when she spotted three turkeys flying up against passing cars. Then she said the turkeys turned on her. Halvorson, who is 64 and five-feet tall, said three turkeys surrounded her and the dominant turkey flew up at her head and scratched her neck, breaking the skin, when she tried to duck. Halvorson said she didn’t know what to do, until finally a passing motorist stopped, threw open a car door and let her jump in. “I’m not sure what would have happened to me had she not stopped,” Halvorson said.While some voiced their support for protecting the birds and just trying to scare away the trouble makers, other neighbors are asked police to shoot the aggressive birds. One man in the audience even requested if he could spray-paint the problem birds so police can identify them. Brookline Police Chief Daniel O’Leary said firing guns in the neighborhood is not an alternative, but the chief vowed the department will find a way to address the aggressive turkeys, and especially the three trouble-making tom turkeys.

Jesus, I mean, people of Dorchester are probably just counting their lucky stars every day they don't run into one of these mean mugging dinner fowls, huh? The worst they have to deal with is guns and murderers and shit...

Can I ask a question, just how soft are you, Brookline? I mean really? We're talking about turkeys here...to quote Urban Dictionary, to refer to someone as a turkey is to imply that: the person is a loser, uncoordinated, inept, and clumsy; a tool.

Is that what you guys are afraid of? Like you Karen, apparently a 6'5 woman just strolling the streets of Brookline, I'd think you can take care of yourself...just kick the damn things, PETA be damned. The minute these things cross the line from something that would look good on my dinner table, to an Alfred Hitchcock scenario, you're allowed to fight back. One or two punts to the breast bone and I think they'll get the message. 

PS: The thought of the police "addressing troublesome turkeys" just makes me thing of scared straight...like the cops are gonna round up all these badass Turks, get in their face, and then show them a slide show of this:

"YEA, you street turkeys aint gonna be so tough when you've got a buttload of stuffing and pecans on some folks dinner table, are you? ARE YOU!?"

Cracks me up.

Guys, John Travolta Couldn't Possibly By Gay

I mean look at that, he's line dancing with Olivia Newton John guys...It's just ridiculous that anyone would think he'd do those things to all those masseuses and bus boys, just utterly ridiculous.

Two Additional Things:

1. Bro, you're bald. You've been thinning since the 70's, we all know you're bald by now. Dancing around with a chia pet slapped on your head does nothing to change that.

2.  Don't both of you guys have like, lots of money? No offense, but this looks more like a high school A/V project than two Hollywood stars filming a music video from their album. What was the production budget for this thing? Three iPhone 5's and an old Macbook for editing? Clean it up guys.

Pineapple Upside-Down Cake Makes Absolutely Zero Sense

Looks right side up to me.

I mean look at it...It's not upside down. Full disclosure I had my first encounter with this cake thing a few weeks ago at Thanksgiving, having never had one or really seen one before I was fairly curious as to what I would be dealing with, so I sneaked a peak...Ummm, guys? Someone forgot to flip the cake upside down.

I mean that's not upside down, no way around it. Yes, it was explained to me that it's baked upside down, but you know what, I'm the guy eating it, when it's presented to me, it's right side up. I've never cared to ask what steps the chef was taking with my food before it gets to me previously, and I don't care now. All I care is that it tastes good, and it's labeled appropriately.

And with that in mind, from this day forth, the pastry formerly known as pineapple upside-down cake, is just going to be known as pineapple cake. Now go forth and let the name ring from the mountainside. 

Is It Time for Boston's Mayor Menino to Rule Like that Leper King-Guy in Braveheart?

Boston News, Weather, Sports | FOX 25 | MyFoxBoston

BOSTON (FOX 25 /MyFoxBoston.com) – Boston Mayor Thomas Menino made an appearance at the Spaulding Rehabilitation Hospital on Thursday to show off get well cards that he received while hospitalized. IMAGES: Menino makes first appearance after hospital stay Mayor Menino was transferred to a rehabilitation hospital on Monday after spending a month at Brigham and Women's Hospital recovering from an infection and a compression fracture in his back.


Yes, Yes it is.

Sorry Mayor, I know you're going through some stuff, but no one wants to see that. I mean that's tough to look at, ya know? Doesn't mean you have to give up the dictatorship of Boston that you've assumed in the last decade though, just means you need a son or some other puppet rule to come down from your isolated tower and make decisions for you. Worked just fine for the Leper guy for the majority of the movie...and that was a long film. I'd have to imagine you could keep that act up until at least your next election season. At that point you're hopefully looking more like your normal self, which, I never though I'd say this, would be better for everyone. Until then, rule on Leper King.

 PS: This guy's credit in the movie is just "Leper." Just non-descript Leper...He was the king of feudal Scotland as far as I can remember and they title his part just Leper? No respect at all.

China Man's House is Right Smack Dab In the Middle of the Highway

Business Insider - When the government decided to build a highway to Wenling, a town in China's Zhejiang province, it offered everyone in the neighborhood compensation to relocate. But farmer Luo Baogen and his wife refused to move, saying the compensation wasn't enough for them to rebuild their home elsewhere. Faced with Luo's refusal to leave, the government decided to go ahead and build the road around it anyway. Reuters reports that this phenomenon – when one building remains, after those around it have been demolished – is called a 'nail house'.

-Desirable, classical Cantonese style 4 floor house in Urban Setting. 5 Bedrooms, two Garages, easy access to major highways, tons of natural light and headlights...Watch your electricity bill cut in half! Open house this Saturday. Directions: Drive down highway, park car.

Bro-your house is in the middle of the fucking highway! Move. Like I get making a stand but don't you think this is a little ridiculous? Isn't this the same China that has traffic jams that last for up to 9 days! You tell your wife you're going out for a carton of cigarettes she's going to think you left her, even though you're probably just in bumper to bumper 500 yards down the road. 

And on a side note, am I the only one that kind of assumed that, in the Land of China, when the government decided it wanted to do something, it kinda just did it. Like couldn't they have just knocked this house over whether or not Luo over here agreed or not? What is this a warmer, fuzzier China? Certainly not the Red Devil I remember.

So This Was Going On In My Neighborhood Last Night

I specifically like the part where Everett Police asked for anyone with any information to call them...hey guys, how about you call me? What the fuck!?

I'm sitting here last night with a helicopter circling for hours with his spotlight raining down, and the only reason I had a clue what was going on? Twitter. That's right, a few people who listen to police scans and broadcast their listenings on Twitter were the only thing that kept me from going outside to see what was going on while a murder/attempted murder suspect may or may not have been hiding in my hedges.

This went on for a couple of hours, no reverse 911 call to residents, no breaking news on the local channels as it apparently missed the news cycle...I'd have even taken one of those terrifying severe weather alert things that get pushed to your cell phones, but you know, instead of warning me about tornado's and hail, maybe just something like, "Don't Go Outside a Gunman is Hunkered Down in Your Shrubs."

But no. I got nothing. I sat here and received minimal updates from Twitter and downloaded 3 different police scanner apps to try and figure out what was going on. And it's not like this morning's report is showering praise on the Everett police for finding this kid, kinda vague and sounds like they didn't find him, which, you know, wouldn't be a bad thing to warn residents that an armed and dangerous gunman is in the area.

Frigen Everett. And Steve Wynn wants to build a casino here? Hope they take him for a tour of the crime scene literally a half a mile from the proposed site on Wednesday.

This Road Rage Video is So Good that I have Nothing to Add

Just pure unadulterated fun. And for the record, I've been both the cutter and the blocker several times before, and I can tell you for a fact that I'm in the right no matter which side I'm on. I fully support both of these assholes.

So Hostess Might Not Be Really Shutting Down? Well Don't You All Look Like Idiots

CNN - WHITE PLAINS, N.Y. (CNNMoney) -- Hostess Brands and a key union agreed Monday to try to mediate their dispute -- an unexpected development that could spare the company from permanently shutting down... On Friday, management announced a shutdown of Hostess and appeared before U.S. Bankruptcy Judge Robert Drain on Monday afternoon seeking approval to liquidate. But Drain said he wanted the parties to try one last time to reach agreement. Drain will serve as the mediator at a session scheduled for Tuesday afternoon. Only one day of talks is set for now. Hostess CEO Greg Rayburn said the company needs a final decision on Tuesday. Monday's hearing on the liquidation motion was rescheduled for Wednesday at 11 a.m..Hostess has announced its intention to sell its brands and recipes for various products and other assets as a way to generate cash for its creditors. Even if the products are purchased by other companies and once again sold to consumers, most potential buyers are unlikely to rehire Hostess employees to produce or deliver those products.

You see? You see what just happened, crazy internet people? You all went ham, buying up up Twinkies (arguably the WORST Hostess treat) hoarding pallets of those damn things, selling for upwards of $5,000, on Ebay, and for what? Absolutely nothing. Just a bunch of idiots overreacting. Just fucking nuts.

Sometimes I can't help but chuckle when I hear about people blaming the government, Wall Street, the mortgage companies, Obama, etc...for our countries fiscal problems...Please. Those institutions may not have helped, but I'm pretty sure our biggest problem is that as a society we're a bunch of assholes who you can literally sell anything to with the right advertising...and that's what this is shaping up to be...the biggest unconventional marketing ploy in history. Twinkies just made their nut over this whole shutdown rumor. Probably sold more gross pastries in a week than they do in a typical year.

What makes it even more laughable is that Twinkies, Ring-Dings, etc...those were never going anywhere anyway. If we didn't read in a society where people overreact to sensational headlines, everyone would have read the actual articles, saw that, yes, Hostess is closing, but also that they're selling their assets and recipes. You don't honestly think that all those iconic treats were just going to disappear did you? That's like half an aisle in the Supermarket, of course someone was going to pick those things up. Meanwhile you'd have these morons just going into debt for hundreds of twinkies that'll end up just getting packed away and going to waste with all their old Y2K supplies. Absolutely nuts.


PS: My biggest problem with Twinkies? That I don't think I referenced in my earlier post...They don't taste like anything that exists anywhere else in the world. I mean, maybe, MAYBE, vaguely like pecan pie filling, but that's just a hint. The overwhelming Twinkie taste is Twinkie. Twinkies taste like Twinkies. And that's fucking weird. I had more of a handle on what the white mystery flavor of Airheads was than I did for what flavor a twinkie was supposed to be.

Double PS: I'm sure the 18,500 people who's jobs were/are reportedly on the line appreciate all the attention going to their shitty cakes and pastries...No outrage over more unemployed Americans, just that we can get our fill of high calorie treats.

Obviously the Struggling Tobacco Farmer Turned His Property Into A Gun Range

First off, I absolutely love this tobacco farmer, he's everything I want my tobacco farmer to be. Easy going southern demeanor, with a bit of indignance for the government with the "The government hasn't been good to tobacco but tobacco has been good to the US government line." Perfect.

Second of all, OF COURSE the struggling tobacco farm looked to guns as a way to make more money. Of course they did. Look, I'm not begrudging anyone for how they legally make their money, I'm not begrudging gun owners either, I just can't help but laugh when I think about a southern tobacco farmer...with a huge farm...racking his brain for ways to make more money of his land, and just coming back to guns time and time again. I mean, if this guy sets up a little distillery out there in the woods he'd be the most popular guy with the ATF in the country. Just a one stop shop for all their regulatory check ins. It's just too ironic (in the Alanis Morissette kinda way, not in the actual definition of irony kinda way).

Tobacco and Guns, that's just what southerners do.

Lance Armstrong, Just Lounging and Being a Boss

Love it. I'd say Lance is going to be just fine. Just a big F-U to cancer, doping committees, and assholes that actually think anyone in cycling is clean.

The Sacajawea Sucks: Fantasy Football and Creative Payment Ideas

So I've been racking my brain the last couple of days on how to pay my fantasy football dues in a somewhat creative way. The past few times I've resorted to writing out checks with bogus memo lines such as "Money Laundering," "Terrorist Funding," "human trafficking," etc...This year I'm looking to change that up, it's gotten a little old, and frankly, I'm not sure how many checks like that I can send out without triggering a federal audit and a possible trip to Gitmo.

Anyway, I came up with a few ideas, taping one dollar bills end to end together, writing hundreds of checks for various random amounts forcing the commish to sign each and every one (yes I'd be signing them too, but it doesn't seem like work when you know there's a hilarious payoff coming), mailing one dollar bills in individual envelopes (stamp cost might not be worth it), and then I came to Sacajawea's. Just paying with rolls of gold coins. Genius, right?

WRONG. So wrong. I wouldn't wish a stack of Sacajawea's on my worst enemy, never mind the commish. Sacajawea's are the WORST.  To the point where I'm not even sure how, in 2012, a year where we've openly discussed getting rid of the penny, and thrown out plans for eliminating physical currency all together, the government and federal mint still thinks there are people out there who won't mind carrying around a satchel of gold shekels like freaking Ebeneezer Scrooge. It's absurd. Have you ever put a $10 or $20 bill into a parking garage pay machine, or subway ticket machine, thinking you'd be getting back a few bills in change only to hear dozens of coins flying out like you just hit the jackpot at a casino slot machine? Such a sinking feeling.

You walk around all day like you just got robbed, because let's be honest, that's not real money. I mean, yea, technically it's legal tender, but no non-sociopath can go into a store and saddle up at the register with a handful of  Sacajawea's with a clear conscience. You're ripping that store off. You know it, the store owner knows it, the people behind you know it. "Look at this cheapskate asshole, ripping off this poor small business proprietor," they're probably all saying. It sucks, I won't do it. I'd rather walk around feeling like I'd been ripped off and take those Sacajawea's home to put them where I belong...In my pathetic coin collection...Couple half dollars, a silver dollar, the odd Deutschmark and kroner here or there, and a pile of Sacajawea's I'll never spend...Just leave them there to collect dust and take it as a loss.

The moral of the story, Commish, rest easy. I won't be paying you in stacks of Sacajawea's.

Tom Curran Asks Tom Brady What We've All Been Wondering for 3 Years

For the record, asking an NFL Quarterback, MVP, Superbowl MVP, one of the greatest players ever, who also happens to go home to a supermodel every night, "Who does that? Is that the whole self… Do you lay that out? Does someone lay that out for you?”...Might be the most emasculating question in the history of sports questions.

It honestly doesn't get any more humiliating than someone asking you if you're clothes were laid out for you. You just can't come back from that. Brady knew it, just conceded with a "no comment" and moved on.

Brilliant interviewing by Tom Curran. 

On Election Day, A Brief Reminder of How Batshit Crazy Our Politics Are

CNN - More money, less unity Neither candidate can say his deadlocked fate in the polls is because people have not heard his message. No other election has ever seen so much money raised and spent to win the White House -- latest estimates have the 2012 campaign costing, all in, as much as $6 billion. All those ads, all those TV interviews with the candidates and their surrogates, all the debates and bus trips. They've each had their chances to break out over and over again. Yet neither has been able to get the job done. They may have, however, accomplished another task. Although they each gave lip service to the idea of us all being in this together, the divisiveness of the race itself seems to have hardened opinions even more in red and blue America. In the end, it remains to be seen if there will be a president of the United States.

$6 Billion dollars folks. That's a lot of guac. A shit ton of money, if you ask me, just to parade through a series of commercials and rallies, eloquently pointing out that your opponent is an asshole, without actually saying those words. I don't know about the rest of you, but I think I'd prefer one of the candidates to just come out and be like, "Hey, vote for me, I don't really like the other guys opinions, he's a bit of a doofus, and between you and me, most of the Senate can't stand him...Oh yeah, and he's a horrendous tipper." Boom election won and all those ridiculously misguided philanthropists and Super PAC's who donated the equivalent of a few very poor country's National GDP's...well maybe they can funnel their money elsewhere into something useful instead of continuing to advance their league of shadows type political cult they've got going on. Or you know, maybe just pay a little more in taxes, we have this huge debt thing I keep hearing about.

T-Rex vs. Triceratops...Who Ya Got?

Fox News - It was the greatest showdown of the dinosaur kingdom. The carnivorous apex predator Tyrannosaurus versus the heavily shielded plant-eating Triceratops. But scientists were never quite sure how the fearsome T-rex could penetrate the armored three-horned herbivore when it came time for dinner -- until now. Denver Fowler and his colleagues at the Museum of the Rockies last week presented the first study done on a collection of bite-scarred fossils to get an idea of how the legendary Tyrannosaurus fed. Gruesomely, Fowler explains, though the work is still in its early stages. By studying consistent sets of bitemarks, Fowler and his team concluded that the T-rex feasted on the Triceratops by popping off its head. “It's gruesome, but the easiest way to do this was to pull the head off,” Fowler told Nature. Since the bite-marks didn’t show signs of healing, it means they were made when the dino was already dead. Some scars could only have been made if the Triceratops had been decapitated -- in order to get to the nutrient rich neck muscles.

How ruthless is that? Just popping the head off its most noble adversary like a prehistoric pez dispenser. Pure awesomeness.

I'm going to be honest, as a kid I always rooted for the Triceratops. Just the blue collar worker of the dino-world. Keeps his horns down and goes about his business, not afraid to scrap from time to time when the situation calls for it. All around good dude.  T-Rex just seemed like a bully out picking on everyone, but at the end of the day was probably just compensating for his tiny hands.

Well I guess fucking not. Guy wasn't king of the dinosaurs for nothing. Just popping his foods head off for sport. Makes me kinda like him more than the Triceratops. Yea there's something noble about rooting for the underdog, it's natural, we do it in sports all the time...In fact growing up I often thought of the Triceratops as Agassi and T-Rex as Sampras...and I hated Sampras. Just cold and calculating...no real emotion. Plus he was stuffing Ms. Vaughn which pissed me off even more.  So I always rooted for Agassi...but honestly, if Sampras had been as much of a boss as the T-Rex was? I'd have been his most loyal follower.

So there it is, I'm officially switching allegiances. I'm taking the T-Rex. It's like rooting for the most dominant boxer in his prime. It's really one of the only situations in sports I can think of where the majority roots for the favorite...and I guess that makes T-Rex the Tyson of the sporting world, which fits. Tyson compensated for that lisp and T-Rex is compensating for those dainty little girl hands.

Mass Judge Orders State to Hire Expert to Decide if Hairy Jailhouse Tranny is Entitled to Free Electrolysis

BOSTON (FOX 25 / MyFoxBoston.com) U.S. Chief Judge Mark Wolf ordered the state to hire an expert to decide whether or not a convicted murderer needs to receive electrolysis due to gender identity disorder. The Boston Globe reports that Judge Wolf handed down a six-page ruling on Wednesday which calls for the Department of Correction to hire someone who will determine whether or not electrolysis is medically necessary for Michelle Kosilek. The inmate's attorneys argue that hair removal is necessary as part of treatment for gender identity disorder. Michelle Kosilek lived as a man under the name Robert Kosilek when he strangled his wife to death in 1990. Judge Wolf recently ordered the state to fund Kosilek's sex change, but Gov. Deval Patrick has appealed the ruling and called for the surgery to be delayed during the appeal.

Hey Judge - Are you fucking kidding me here? Have a sac, man. I have no idea what this convicted tranny has on you but it must be something good...Not only do you rule that the state needs to pay for this dude's surgical transition to a woman (which I assume means snipping his dick?), but now you want the state to pay for an experts opinion on whether or not this dude should be entitled to free electrolysis, because you know, he'd be a pretty hair woman? Get the fuck out. Seriously, get the fuck out. I know you recently half retired, how about you do all us common sense, tax paying, non-murdering folks a favor and fully retire.

I mean you've got to be kidding me here. Just ordering more tax payer dollars for a study on something that is as simple as this: Are any of the other actual woman in jail entitled to free electrolysis? No? Ok then. There is your answer. You don't think Juanita with the mustache that just goes by Juan in cell block E wants electrolysis? Of course she does. Same with every other hairy bitch in there. Latino's and Italian women with mustaches and yetti arms, black women with sideburns...they all would take free hair removal, doesn't mean they're entitled to it.

So seriously, Judge Wolf, just get the fuck out of there. Stop costing the State money with your frivolous rulings. Go enjoy a round of golf or something like a normal retired wasp. Get yourself out of the tranny defending business. 

You Know Why Young People Don't Vote? Part 2

 

Pretty much sums it up. The video is from a pretty good site for young, politically minded people, voteourfuture.com, the problem is, most young people I know now and knew in college are going to watch this and just nod their heads at the cynnical messages, mainly because they're all true.

This sadly isn't going to get anyone to vote, isn't going to spur any change, it's just going to reaffirm every young voter/non-voter's position that their vote doesn't matter. When I was an dumb, idealistic kid in college I never understood that thought, didn't make sense. Of course your vote doesn't count if you don't actually go out and vote I remember saying. But now I get it. I still vote, but I don't disparage anyone that doesn't. I've come to grips with the fact that the only thing my vote is swaying is maybe a city council race or an Alderman election here or there...you know, real important shit. When it comes to real elections that matter I'm more than aware that those decisions are usually already swung by the time I vote, my single vote just can't compete against the Soros', Koch Brothers, and the talking heads of the CNN's and FOX News's of the world. The system is rigged. The best that can come of it is cynnical and somewhat humorous special interest group commercials and a free day off from school for kids if their school is their districts voting location.

Have You Watched the New American Horror Story

No? Well just as a teaser, this is what you missed, meet Pepper:

Attractive, right?

Brit Scientists Make Gasoline out of Thin Air

Fox News - Genius Brit engineers have pioneered a new technology that produces petrol – from air. Experts hailed the breakthrough as a potential “game-changer” as scientists seek to solve the world’s energy crisis. The small company from the north England has developed “air capture” technology which creates synthetic petrol with only air and electricity. Company chiefs say they have produced five litres of petrol in less than three months at a small refinery in Stockton-on-Tees, Teesside by removing carbon dioxide from the atmosphere...They now hope to build a large plant generating more than a tonne of petrol per day within two years – and a refinery size operation within the next 15 years.

Welp, Britain just won the world folks. Romney, Obama, thanks for coming out but you guys might as well flip a coin at this point, the British empire is about to rule us all...as long as this is real at least.

Like how isn't this bigger news? The Britains are now literally capable of making gasoline out of thin air, folks! That's a huge deal if its true. Shouldn't be buried beneath democrat/republican pissing contests and cute cat videos of the day. The only logical explanation as to why this isn't the single biggest story in the world is that it's simply not true. Either that or it's not as simple as it sounds, like it's not just air and electricity, it's something like air, electricity, and the blood of a couple's first born. Something crazy is going on here.

You Know Why Young People Don't Vote? We Still Register like it's 1942

Voter Registration Info:

How can I register to vote?

By Mail: The Massachusetts Mail-In Voter Registration Form can be used to register to vote in Massachusetts, to update registration information due to a change of name, make a change of address, or to register with a political party. Note:  After filling out this form, you must print it, sign it and send it to your local election official.
Download the Forms:

• Massachusetts Mail-in Voter Registration form (PDF) – English
• Formulario de inscripción de votante por correo oficial de Massachusetts (PDF) – Spanish
• 麻州官方 選民郵寄登記表 (PDF) – Chinese

For registering to vote in other states, please use the National Voter Registration Form.
You can also request a form be mailed to you by going to: Online Voter Registration Form Request or by calling 617-727-2828 or 1-800-462-VOTE.
In Person: Go to any registration location and complete an affidavit of registration, which must be answered truthfully under the penalty of perjury. The questions on the affidavit will include your name, residence and date of birth.
At the Registry of Motor Vehicles: Keep your motor voter receipt until you receive confirmation from your local election official. If you do not receive any confirmation, please contact your local election office to verify your voting status.
Mail the completed form to your local city or town hall. You should receive a confirmation notice in 2 to 3 weeks. If you do not receive a confirmation notice, or wish to confirm your voter registration status, please contact your local City or Town Clerk to verify your voting status. 

....

For real, that's how you register to vote in 2012. So there I am Wednesday minding my business, when I'm suddenly reminded it's my last chance to register to vote (or in my case to switch my address). Fuck. I now have two options...First: Just go vote at my old address, it's not like you have to show valid ID and it's usually a bunch of white hairs checking off names, I'm sure I can get away with it. Or Second, I could go through with any of the above AWFUL steps.

Look at those options...By Mail. You've got to be kidding me.

In Person- No thanks. Government buildings are filled with the WORST kind of people. Criminals, conspiracy theorists, people complaining about noise ordinances on their neighbors, just general pain in the ass people that I have no intention of standing next to, even if it is just to register to vote. You know who stands in line to register to vote now-a-days? Old people with all the time in the world before they have to get to the early bird dinner special at 5:30, and presumable nutbags who are afraid of the mail because they don't want the government tracking what they're doing.

And Finally, at the Registry of Motor Vehicles - The registry of motor vehicles makes waiting in town hall seem like a vacation. Every where you look you've got convicted felons just trying to get their license back, and other soon to be convicted felons just checking if they have any warrants out on them. It's bad enough running down there for something license related, you're outside your mind if I'm going to go down there and tell them I'm here to register to vote.

So I went with mailing it in. And here I am, apparently waiting 2-3 weeks for confirmation...Which is absurd. I printed the form offline, only to fill it out with pen, run around all day looking for a stamp because people my age don't use stamps, answering questions about why on earth I'd need a stamp, and finally mailing it in at a post office box, but checking that the mail actually went down, like 4 times, because for some reason out of all the life lessons learned as a child, needing to check that the mail went down struck the most fear in me. Looking both ways before I cross the street, running in the parking lot, don't touch that it's hot, all those pale in comparison to checking to make sure my mail went down into the mail box.  I check that thing a minimum of 3-4 times, just in case it went down the first time and was being all sneaky and jumped back to the top when it thought I was gone. That's not going to happen, not on my watch. And all that could have been avoided if that original form I printed from online, was an actual form I could just fill out and hit send. It's that simple.

So there you go. Looking for a reason why young people consistently have the lowest voter turn out? Look no further than the options for registering. I guarantee if you could register online, or via twitter, you'd see historic turnout. And don't come back to me about fraud and security...A tweet is just as safe as some old lady checking names off a registration roll that she can barely read without anyone having to prove any identification.

Giant Sized Eyeball Found on Florida Beach

MIAMI – It's not that body parts never wash ashore on Florida beaches. But usually it's not an eye the size of a softball. State wildlife officials are trying to determine the species of a blue eyeball found by a man Wednesday at Pompano Beach, north of Fort Lauderdale. They put the eyeball on ice so it can be analyzed at the Florida Fish and Wildlife Research Institute in St. Petersburg. Agency spokeswoman Carli Segelson says the eyeball likely came from a marine animal, since it was found on a beach. Possible candidates include a giant squid, a whale or some type of large fish.

Can I ask a serious question? Does it stink? I have to believe that thing stinks. Like I'm imagining the worst smelling pus (don't act like I'm the only one who's smelled pus from time to time), x100.  Really lacking report here.

You can't just show me an eyeball the size of a softball and then tell me absolutely nothing about it. I'm legitimately freaked out here...like that eyeball is exactly how a J.J Abrams movie about the end of the world would start. Just some random tourist taking an early morning walk down the beach, and then BOOM. Giant eyeball, girlfriend freaks out and runs up the beach, boyfriend stares at it in bewilderment waiting for authorities in hazmat suits to show up...and you bet your life he comments on how bad that thing fucking stinks.

What Do The Richest Man in the World, The President, and this Wildn' Out Black Lady Have in Common?

Carlos Slim, Worlds Richest Man

President Obama

Wildn' Out Black Lady

What do they all have in common? OBAMAPHONES BABY!




Fox News - A Mexican telecom mogul who holds the title of world's richest man, and one of President Obama's top donors are both getting even richer from the U.S. government program that supplies so-called "Obamaphones" to the poor. Carlos Slim, who has an estimated net worth of $70 billion, owns a controlling stake in TracFone, which makes $10 per phone for each device it provides to poor Americans. The company, whose president and CEO is Frederick “F.J.” Pollak, also makes money from extra minutes and data plans it sells to subscribers who get phones and service through the government's Lifeline program. The program, which began in the mid-1980s, has exploded in the past four years after being expanded from supplying landlines to the poor to providing cellular phones...The phones came into the national spotlight after a viral video surfaced on YouTube in which a Cleveland, Ohio, woman praised the president, saying he needed to be re-elected because he gives out free phones.

I'll be honest, I kinda didn't believe this whole Obamaphone thing up until I read that the world's richest man was involved. I guess it has to be true then? Obama just tossing out cheapy sample phones in the ghetto like Stringer Bell's crew passing out samples of their latest product to junkies? Does that make Romney Omar? That can't be right...this analogy fell apart fast.

Bottom line, apparently Obamaphones are real, this woman is really, really happy about that, and the worlds richest man, a Mexican (come on America), is laughing while he lights cigars with US tax payer $20 bills...'Merica.

Is this the Face of a Detroit Squatter Who's Also Running as a Write-In Candidate for President of the US?

Daily Mail - A Detroit woman and her one-year-old daughter are being forced to live with a squatter in their own home until a housing court decides on eviction proceedings. Homeowner Heidi Peterson claims the squatter, former tenant Missionary-Tracey Elaine Blair, took over the residence while Peterson was away for a year during extensive home repairs. After the necessary repairs were complete, Peterson returned last week only find out that Blair had changed the locks. She had also taken the liberty to decorate the house, rework the plumbing and replace appliances... She also discovered Blair had managed to put a lien on the house, which she had told the city was abandoned, reports MyFoxDetroit.com. Blair, who is a write-in candidate for U.S. President, refuses to leave. And until a housing court evicts her, Blair, Peterson and Peterson's baby girl are forced to live under the same roof.

Ok first of all, the fact that a judge basically telling a rightful home owner and her one year old daughter, "tough shit" you have to live with this crazy ass squatter who broke in, rearranged the plumbing, and hung up pictures of her family, isn't the most bizarre portion of this story is absolutely bananans.

Because by far the most bizarre story is this squatter/missionary lady (above) identifying herself as a write-in candidate for the President of the United States, and even has pins made up for her campaign! This woman is off the reservation!..Every Tom, Dick, Sally, and Scooby-Doo is a write in candidate for the United States, but you don't go making up pins identifying yourself as such! I'm fairly certain Jack Bauer won the general election at least one of the years 24 was on (still lost, Stupid Electoral College system) but even he wasn't running around making buttons up for a campaign.

Second of all...It's Detroit ladies. Couldn't one of you just move a couple blocks down the street and find another house to squat in? Or even buy? I mean what's the average mansion go for in downtown Detroit? $15K? That's less than a monthly car payment. Just move. Here, plenty of options, some decent houses as low as $6k...I'd advise you splurge a bit on an alarm and a shotgun, you know given Detroit's status as America's Kosovo.

Slut-Dropping Sounds like the Single Dumbest Thing You Could Do In College.

Jezebel - Today, let me introduce you to a practice known as "slut-dropping." Apparently it's all the rage in the UK, and I'm shocked that it hasn't caught on Stateside, since this sounds right up a lot of jerks' alleys. Here goes: A gang of merrymaking young squires careens around the local village in an auto-mobile during the wee hours of the morning. When they see a young lass stumbling home alone from a night of intoxicating fun, wearing clothing indicative of both the presence of sexuality and the wearer's awareness of said sexuality, they stop the car and offer to give the damsel in distress a ride home. What gentlemen! BUT THERE'S A TWIST. Instead of driving the girl home, they drive her in the opposite direction of her home, as far as they possibly can, and then, when they get to the TBD nowhere spot, they drop her off, laughing and laughing like teenage Mitt Romney cutting a gay kid's hair, and drive away, filming the "slut" they just "dropped" as she angrily/sadly watches them recede from her. What sort of barbarians would pull such a stunt? Why, college blokes, just having a bit of fun during a time known as "freshers' week" in the UK. In the US, depending on where you went to school, it's called "freshman orientation week" or "pledge week" or "the entirety of your freshman year," and in both places, the introduction of new students to a college or university campus provides the perfect opportunity to teach those incoming freshmen important lessons about life.

Ok, first of all, Slut Dropping is already a universally recognized dance move...actually dance move doesn't even do it justice, it's more of a mating call:



Typically not performed in front of mothers performing domestic duties, but still, you get the point. So, sorry UK, but you'll need to rename this "slut-dropping" thing.

Secondly, there's a reason this fad hasn't made it stateside...it's dumb as fuck. I don't know what you cheeky bastards consider a good time in the UK, but the goal in the US is usually to have the "sluts" come back to your dorm or vice-versa. Not drop them off in the middle of no-where. It kinda defeats the purpose. I mean, I know when I was in college the goal wasn't to find the somewhat drunk girl in the highest heels and pushiest of push up bra's, win her trust and gratefulness by offering her a ride home, and then pissing her off by leaving her at some remote destination while my friends and I go back to the dorm to play Madden...But hey, have fun being the freshman on campus known for driving scantily-clad girls of loose morals miles and miles away from campus, should make you real popular the Bible Study crowd I guess...

Oh and thirdly, this sounds vaguely like kidnapping.

Welker Made A Funny Joke Sunday and then Spent the Whole Next Day Explaining the Tenets of Humor to the Boston Media

Boston - Though he said it with a wink and a smile, Wes Welker's postgame comment on Comcast SportsNet New England on Sunday night about his 13-catch game ("It's nice to stick it in Bill's face once in a while") certainly became water-cooler and talk-show fodder Monday...Welker probably knew that it had blown up and didn't run from it today, speaking with reporters in the Patriots' locker room. He explained that it was said in jest. "Yeah, I mean ... it was a joke. I don't know what else to say about it; it was a joke. But Bill and I, whether y'all believe it or not, have a good relationship and it was a joke and I'll make sure to keep that in-house going forward," he said.

He fucking winked, people!
 
Example 1A of why the majority of local athletes treat the Boston sports media and their requests for interviews as if they were Nigerian princes asking you to help them gain custody of their vast treasure chests of gold coins and diamonds.

I mean, a guy can't walk up to the podium, blatantly wink while saying something completely in jest, without having to spend the entire next day explaining himself...and they wonder why so many of our local athletes are hesitant to talk off the cuff. Are you kidding me?

I always kind of assumed that most media members and journalists had some understanding of the nuances of the english language, but maybe sarcasm some how escapes them? Sort of similar to that Ricky Gervais movie, The Invention of Lying...That's the only realistic situation here, right? That they've never before encountered sarcasm?

I Could Lie to You and Tell you This Post is About Stacey Dash's Political Leanings...

Or I could just be honest and be like...Stacey Dash folks, she's still got it! Jeepers Crow. Woman is like 46 and doesn't look a day past her prime thigh-high stockings and plaid skirts days of Clueless...I'll be honest I kinda forgot about Stacey Dash, but back in the day I thought she was the bees knees. I wouldn't have admitted it back then but back in the day any time Clueless was on HBO or some cable station that was a much watch for me. As an 11-12 year old tween that was as good as it gets and Stacey Dash was my girl.

Oh...as far as the political side to this post, apparently Ms. Dash is supporting Romney and the black twitter community has a huge problem with this...you know, because she's black...

Fox -“Clueless” star Stacey Dash recently tweeted her support for Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney, accompanied by a patriotic swimsuit picture of herself...“You’re an unemployed black woman endorsing Mitt Romney. You’re voting against yourself thrice. You poor beautiful idiot,” one Twitter user wrote, while @Black Voice wrote, “Stacey Dash had a perm since birth. I knew I couldn’t trust her.. lol.” Others accused the actress of “voting for white supremacy,” claiming she “is white with a dark tan,” and calling Dash a slew of offensive names. Several other Obama supporters even went as far as to encourage “the old hag” to “kill herself.”

Old Hag my ass. 

Is This the Face of A Man Who Croaked After A Roach Eating Contest Due to Possible Roach Allergy?

Inquirer - MIAMI—The winner of a roach-eating contest in South Florida died shortly after downing dozens of the live bugs as well as worms, authorities said Monday. About 30 contestants ate the insects during Friday night’s contest at Ben Siegel Reptile Store in Deerfield Beach about 40 miles (64 kilometers) north of Miami. The grand prize was a python. Edward Archbold, 32, became ill shortly after the contest ended and collapsed in front of the store, according to a Broward Sheriff’s Office statement released Monday. He was taken to the hospital where he was pronounced dead. Authorities were waiting for results of an autopsy to determine a cause of death. “Unless the roaches were contaminated with some bacteria or other pathogens, I don’t think that cockroaches would be unsafe to eat,” said Michael Adams, professor of entomology at the University of California at Riverside, who added that he has never heard of someone dying after consuming roaches. “Some people do have allergies to roaches,” he said, “but there are no toxins in roaches or related insects.”

You see, Big Network TV? You see what you've done? Without the legitimate and safe outlet for bug eating exploits provided by Fear Factor, this is what people are turning to...unsanctioned amateur roach eating contests (and apparently worms...seems like a real amateur move to fill up on worms during a roach eating contest) and tragic deaths. And for what? A snake? I've owned a python, they're like $75-$100 tops...At least Joe Rogan was tossing around tens of thousands of dollars and the promise of reality tv groupy sex. This prize sucks. Kinda makes you wonder if it was all worth it.

Facebook to Now Allow Users to Pay to Promote their Status Updates and Instragrammed Food

Fox - Facebook wants you to advertise … to your friends. The world’s largest social network, which announced Thursday that it has crossed the billion-user mark, has struggled to make money from its enormous pool of users. The solution: Turning individual users into advertisers...Facebook announced Wednesday that Joe Sixpack will soon be able to ensure that you're reading his messages, thanks to an expansion of the Promoted Posts program, which lets businesses pay anywhere from a few dollars to a few thousand to ensure that hundreds of thousands of Facebookers see your posts. “As part of a test starting today, people in the U.S. can promote personal posts to their friends on Facebook,” explained Abhishek Doshi, a software engineer, on Facebook’s website. “When you promote a post -- whether it’s wedding photos, a garage sale, or big news -- you bump it higher in news feed so your friends and subscribers are more likely to notice it.”..Facebook announced Wednesday that Joe Sixpack will soon be able to ensure that you're reading his messages, thanks to an expansion of the Promoted Posts program, which lets businesses pay anywhere from a few dollars to a few thousand to ensure that hundreds of thousands of Facebookers see your posts. “As part of a test starting today, people in the U.S. can promote personal posts to their friends on Facebook,” explained Abhishek Doshi, a software engineer, on Facebook’s website. “When you promote a post -- whether it’s wedding photos, a garage sale, or big news -- you bump it higher in news feed so your friends and subscribers are more likely to notice it.”

Ok, I'm not going to get all dramatic and say that if you do this I'll un-friend you, I'm not going to bitch about the fact that on top of having to wade through countless advertisements for Tide Detergent and Duracell batteries every time I log on to Facebook just to see what my fake internet friends are up to, I'm now going to have to add advertisements specifically from those fake internet friends for garage sales, craigslist adds, and awesome pictures of what they had for dinner...I'm fine with all that.

I'm just going to say, if you're one of these people who feels the need to pay Facebook to ensure people see your post/status update/picture of food...You really need to look in the mirror and take stock of your life.  Really think about what that's saying about you. You're basically paying to advertise the fact that not only do you assume internet strangers and fake friends who, by logging into Facebook, are admitting they've got nothing better to do than to kill time and look for gossip fodder, aren't going to find you interesting enough to pay attention to...But that also your real friends have so little interest in what's going on in your life (or what you purport to be your life through phony updates) that they're just going to skim right by your updates. That's what you're saying.

So if you're at that point, I'd say paying $7 for a post that says "Little Caroline's First Poop on the Potty!", shouldn't be your top priority. Maybe getting out and seeing some real people, or a shrink perhaps. At the very least pick up the phone and talk to an actual human voice. Because when you're at the point where you're literally paying for the lowest form of human contact imaginable, the "Like", that's when you know you really need help.

State Funded Sex Change Murderer Toss Up

Would you rather be this, or...

Boston - Michelle Kosilek, the convicted murderer who is seeking a taxpayer-funded sex change operation, is asking for more than $800,000 in attorney’s fees and costs...Kosilek won her legal battle in US District Court in September. But the state is appealing the controversial ruling by US District Judge Mark Wolf that the surgery is the only adequate care for Kosilek’s gender identity disorder...Under Globe policy, Kosilek is being referred to as a woman because that is the gender with which she identifies. Born Robert Kosilek, Michelle Kosilek began transitioning to a female identity in 1990, the year that she strangled her then-wife. She has been staying in a men’s prison while taking hormones and developing female physical qualities.

So this has been the hot topic around Boston for what seems like months now, should this dude Robert (I know, why'd he pick Michelle right? Isn't Roberta the obvious choice?), a convicted murder serving life, be entitled to a state funded sex change because he views himself as a woman...Let's first state the obvious, No. Apparently though, the legal system has lost interest in common sense, and now he's going to become a she, on tax payer dimes, barring a successful appeal.

From the State's side, the tax payers side, or basically anyone or anything that has a basic level of common sense, this is an abomination. But from a prisoners side? Genius I say. So here's the toss up: Would you rather serve life in male prison with your natural born dick, or life in woman's prison, at the expense of a little nip and tuck.

This poor dude

Now this is life. You're not getting out. No parole. No good behavior. You're going to die in that cell. And I say fuck it, bring on the knife. I know myself, I know I'd last one hour in prison before my first anxiety attack over being raped by that guy with the lisp and his pocket hanging out of his pants from prison break. Screw that. I'll take a lifetime of scissoring with no dick over the threat of being some dude's pet. No shame in that. I'd say having no dick but living as the bull of the females prison is 100% more masculine than having your dick but using some large man's hairy stomach as your pillow when you go to bed a night for the rest of your life.

So Robert, I get it. I do. But you're still an asshole.

Lebron James Spent His Off Season Getting Hair Plugs

Terez Owens - Nike Sportswear has introduced the new LeBron James Diamond Collection apparel for the Holiday 2012 season, and as you can see above, LeBron looks a bit different….and now we know why. Our source tells us LeBron had hair corrective surgery a little over two months ago. We’re being told he was sick and tired of hearing all the jokes revolving around his rapidly receding hairline…and he knew no matter how many championships he won, people would always point to that right away. Now If you look at the pics side by side, you can definitely tell he filled in his coffin corners, and it appears the King with the thinning crown is no more. Maybe now he could scrap the Triple Headband. -TO

I want to hate on Lebron here, but I really can't. I mean he just looks flat out awful in that pic on the left. Guy is 27 years old and already has Karl Malone trademarked hair. You've gotta get that shit fixed.

Plus, it's good to see winning a championship didn't change who Lebron is...he's still a narcissistic baby who's way too concerned with what everyone things of him...and I love how people making fun of his fugly head of hair bothered him enough to do something about it but he's still content to chew his nails on the bench on live television, setting himself up for Lebron's nervous in the clutch, Lebron's a baby, Lebron still drinks from a bottle, Lebron needs people to cut up his food for him (actually that last one's true). He's just a giant enigma.

Oh yea...and MJ would have never done that. MJ may have clothes like a dickhead, but he knew to shave his head when he was going bald. He wasn't going to no hair club for men.

Obama-Romney Round 1: Romney Wins, With a Hat Tip to Michelle

So the Presidential debate, Round 1, went off last night, for real in-depth analysis you're better served going to any number of other sites, for a brief bare bones analysis and some snarky comments, you're in the right place.

With that said, Romney won.  Romney won in a landslide. And I say that as a non-Romney guy. He killed him. BO was constantly on the defense, Romney had that creepy perma grin on the entire night (though that may not have been on purpose, Romney's face looked like it had been pulled back recently which could explain that).  Bottom line, last night's debate could be broken down in one sentence as follows: Romney attacks, Obama forced to defend how shitty the country has been for the past four years, Romney gets away without having to let us in on one single detail of his economic plan, thus avoiding any areas for Obama to attack.

That was it, plain and simple. Oh, and the debate had possibly the most limp dick moderator of all time. Poor guy was just getting cuckolded on national television, outright ignored left and right.

So round one is in the books and it was a thoroughly Romney round. Good for him, he'll probably need it once we hit foreign policy, and especially for social issues debates...Gotta think the President will hone in on the whole hates gays, women, and vaginas thing.

Also, anyone looking for a reason why Obama looked so lost, confused, and frankly a bit perturbed last night should look no further than Michelle. It was the dude's 20th anniversary! If you don't think he caught some shit for making her spend it in an auditorium in Denver you're outside your mind. You know how much passive aggressive shit he probably caught in the week leading up to this? The guy is the President of the United States! If he didn't want this on his anniversary, it wouldn't have been on his anniversary! Michelle knows that. She knows he could have had this moved to basically any day of his picking, but he didn't. And as a result I have no doubt she tortured him with mental warfare all week, basically handing the debate to Romney.

...Or it simply could be that Obama, despite being an exceedingly nice guy, just really doesn't grasp how the economy works...

American Idol or Celebrity Rehab?

Daily Mail - Nicki Minaj is said to have threatened Mariah Carey after her American Idol co-star called her a 'b****' - it is now being claimed. Show bosses cancelled filming in Charlotte, North Carolina for the day on Tuesday after a huge blow up between the pair where Nicki allegedly threatened and swore at Mariah...Their fellow panellists Keith Urban and Randy Jackson were caught in the middle of the row, according to TMZ, which is running a video of the row, where Nicki can be heard ranting at Mariah. A source told the website: '[Nicki said to Mariah] "I'm gonna knock you out" - although this was not caught on tape.' In the video being run by TMZ, Minaj can be heard saying: 'I told them I'm not f*****g putting up with her f*****g highness over there [Referring to Mariah]. Figure it the f*** out. Figure it out.' Mariah can also be heard answering back in the video - but it is difficult to make out exactly what she is saying.

So here's the video, I can't embed for some reason, anyway...I'm going to have to revisit my opinion that this season of American Idol is going to be unwatchable, it might be the single most entertaining one yet...Not for good reasons like the talent is unreal or Simon and his charming snark are back or anything, but because the show has essentially degraded into a therapy session from Celebrity Rehab with renowned crazy Mariah Carey and crazy in a not so subtle way Nicki Minaj just squaring off nightly. 

Poor Randy Jackson in over his head trying to simultaneously judge the next generation of musical talent with his extremely limited range of vocabulary ("in it to win it" , "gotta have it", "dawg" , "for me it wasn't good" , that's it, those are the only english phrases you need to know to judge a singing competition on national television), and play Dr. Phil for these two nutso's. Then you've got that poor country guy, who literally has no idea what he signed himself up for, but the producers backed a truck full of cash up to his house because The Voice has a country guy so they needed to go get them one to keep up in the ratings, and lets be honest, all male country stars are interchangeable.

It's going to be crazy to say the least.

PS: I'm fully on team Mariah here. Maybe I'm just comfortable with her craziness after having her around for years now, I don't know. I just feel like she spent a decade and a half or so building her right to be certifiable, Nicki just throws on cotton candy for wigs and raps like a demonic toddler and we're supposed to respect her fragile creative mind. I don't think so. I'll take the subtle crazy over the in your face "look at me, I'm crazy" any day of the week.

Target's New "Amazing" Sales Training Program is Actually "Annoying" to Customers

Daily Mail - Target has a plan to take on the growing competition of online giant Amazon - and it all rests on making their employees 'amazing'. The staff guide to becoming an ideal Target employee have been leaked online, packed full of corporate buzzwords and cringe-worthy customer service tips. The training manual - entitled 'Welcome To Amazing' - provides workers with a script to follow, making sure that customer service is top notch...According to the Target script 'service is the difference maker' and leads to loyal customers. The manual goes on to describe the 'service vibe' which can 'make guests feel welcomed and comfortable...cared for and appreciated... and even moments that stir up a little spontaneous fun'. Store executives have then helpfully outlined what exactly classifies as an 'amazing moment' for staff...Store executives have then helpfully outlined what exactly classifies as an 'amazing moment' for staff...'A moment is when we look up from what we are doing to say hi to the guest that just came down the aisle... Amazing is how the whole family feels when we sincerely offer help,' it reads.

Look, I'm on record several times as preferring Target to Walmart. Hands down. But it's time for some tough love, Target. Because this is some of the most ass backward corporate strategy I've ever heard, and it's affecting me personally.

Last week I went into Target to buy a stick of deodorant. That's it. I realized that morning I was out, went to work, self consciously smelled my pits all day fearing I would wreak of B.O. and have no fat person near by to blame it on, and finally went over to Target after work to rectify the situation.

As I'm checking out, this young cashier pushes the "Target Debit Card on me." I say no thanks. She continues though. "I don't see why anyone wouldn't want it, it's free and you get whatever % percent she said cash back." Slightly annoyed I reply, probably because people don't want to open new credit cards, I thought it was over, it was not. She continues:

Annoying Check out Girl: But it's not a credit card!

Me: Oh really, what is it?

Annoying Check out girl (ACOG): It's a debit card, it's linked directly to your checking account.

Me, Now Really Annoyed: Well that's not really better, most people don't want Target attached to their personal checking account.

ACOG: I don't see why not, I did it and it's safer and more secure than my banks debit card.

Me, I've now had it: Oh really? Like, the same Target that had a massive consumer data breach about a year or so ago? That Target is safer than using the card my bank issued me?

And that was that, I bought my deodorant and left. Nevermind the fact that trying to upsell me on a stick of FUCKING DEODORANT was crazy to begin with. I'm not exactly buying a flat screen tv here where your 3% or 5% or whatever it was would actually mean something. I'm pretty sure I can handle a stick of deodorant on my own, thanks though.

And if it continues like that, if "Amazing" Sales people are going to "Annoy" the fuck out of me, every time I enter the store, I'll stop going. If Target wants some real help identifying areas of improvement from an actual customer here are a couple, written in their own corporate verbiage:

A "Moment" is when you walk into Target and see that only 3 of the 21 sales lines are open and you'll be stuck buying a box of q-tips behind the family of 5 and their annoying kids who can't decide what pack of check out line gum they want to buy along with their 35 other items that they'll be paying for with 3 separate credit cards. "Amazing would be walking in and seeing at least half of those check out lines open.

A "Moment" is walking into Target to be bombarded by sales people trying to up-sell you, apparently taking their cue from the annoying folks at BestBuy. "Amazing" would be walking into the store, finding my toilet paper and paper towels on my own, and checking out without having to interact with anyone.

A "moment" is walking into Target and realizing that all the checkout lines are manned by actual people. "Amazing" would be walking into see that Target has finally realized it is 2012 and every other store on earth has self checkout lines.

Just a few helpful hints guys. I still believe in you, but you gotta tighten things up and ditch the corporate sales pitch. It just doesn't work in the real world with people getting off work and just trying to do a quick errand before heading home for Thursday Night Football.

Golf, You Almost...Almost Had Me, But You're Still not a Real Sport

So all weekend long (or during commercial breaks for college and NFL football games) I watched the Ryder cup, setting a personal non-Masters golf watching record for the weekend, and why? Because the Ryder cup was fucking awesome. U-S-A chants, the States just dominating, the Euro-trash golfers just wilting away. It was beautiful.

And then Sunday afternoon happened. Shit hit the fan and the Yankees choked harder than anyone since...well I guess the 2004 New York Yankees. But where the actual Yankees were undoubtedly dejected, pissed off, and in disbelief,  the US Golfers were celebrating the European win! Phil clapping for his opponents, Bubba Watson tweeting like a Euro Groupie hoping for at least a hand job in the club house, fucking pathetic all around.






And all this while perhaps the most ruthless competitor of all time looked on...I mean, I'm almost in shock that MJ didn't go out there and crack Phil in the head with his driver after that display...Did Jordan ever clap after Malone, Drexler, Isaiah, or anyone else hit a couple of clutch free throws against the Bulls? Fuck no. And he sure as shit wasn't logging on to AOL afterwards to send a quick instant message of congratulations after back-breaking losses.

He does however, have clothes like a dickhead:

Anyone have two extra tickets to the Milli-Vanilli concert?

And to top it all off, perhaps the most golf rule of all time, apparently ties go to the defending champion. That's right. If the match were to end 14-14, the Euro's would win because they won the last time they played.  No playoff, no sudden death golf, no competition whatsoever. Just 4 days of Patriotic chants, nailbiting golf, and then they all shake hands and go home even if its tied, content to just give away the trophy based on the play of a group of guys from 2 years ago...Makes sense to me.

So like I said at the begging, Golf, you almost had me. Almost had me believing you were a real sport with real competitors, until the last 45 minutes or so on Sunday, that is.

Man Punts Cat 15 Feet, Gets Arrested...Should Also Get NFL Tryout

Chicago Sun-Times - Police charged a South Side man with animal cruelty after officers say they watched him take a running start and kick his kitten 15 feet before raising his arms to signal a field goal... The officers immediately arrested a laughing Percy Love, 22, after he allegedly kicked the small black cat Monday afternoon in the 6200 block of South Campbell, police said. He told officers: “This is my cat, Nightmare. He is tough, we play like that all the time. It’s just a cat,” police said. Officers cared for the cat until Animal Care and Control workers took custody. Animal Care and Control Director Cherie Travis said on her Facebook page that, “Despite the terrible abuse, the cat . . . is doing quite well. He’s in medical today getting an exam and X-rays. He is a very friendly and affectionate cat.”

Heinous animal cruelty aside (I don't even like cats, but that aint right), this kid's getting a tryout, right? I mean kicking a cat 15 feet seems like a fair accomplishment to me. Kid may be dumb as rocks and sounds like he's got the logistics of a punt and field goal confused, but if this kid can drop kick a cat 15 feet, I'd assume he'd have no problem coming out and coffin kicking some punts in the NFL...I mean 15 feet! That's a lot. I'd imagine it's hard to center and find the sweet spot on a cat for the kick, not to mention that they're not exactly proportional or inflated like a football. I think if you extrapolate that punt you've got something like a 45-50 yarder. Not bad. Certainly worth a look for a tryout at least...and if he sucks then you let the squad get one clean roughing the kicker hit in there...so he can get the experience from the cat's side for once. 

Photos Of ASU Baby Doing Keg Stand...Bad Parenting or Great Parenting?

Fox News - Arizona State University police are trying to determine whether a photo that appears to show a baby being held up by an adult for a keg stand is child abuse or an inappropriate photo opportunity. It's not clear if the child was actually drinking beer, but you can clearly see the nozzle in his mouth. Onlookers snapped photos as an adult held the child up for a "keg stand," where a person is held upside down and drinks as much beer as he can, MyFoxPhoenix.com reported...An ASU student reportedly disgusted about the circumstances apparently took a photo and submitted it to the website TheDirty.com. "I just don't see the joke in it at all," Nik Richie, the website's creator, told MyFoxPhoenix.com. "People are really looking at this saying, even if it was a joke, it is just poor taste and it is terrible parenting."


I like how the creator of a website who's sole purpose is to report private dirt on people's personal lives and profit off of it, is morally opposed to this HILARIOUS photo opp. Give me a break you squid.

Terrible parenting? That kid right there is a legacy. He's going to go to ASU in 16 years, and he's going to slay co-ed undergrads as the kid that's been doing keg stands at ASU since he was literally still in his huggies. Terrible Parenting? No. Great parenting. Parents always want whats best for their kid, well how about ensuring your kid walks on as Big Man On Campus from day 1. That's the best kind of parenting.

PS: I love how there's even a question of whether or not the kid actually drank the beer? Are we serious? It's just like when Jeremy Schapp asked Gronk if people really were spiking their kids in an act of Gronking...Gronk, straight these folks out:

Is this the Face of a Women Who Received a Fecal Transplant from her Mom?

(CNN) -- After surviving a near-fatal car accident, Kaitlin Hunter found herself battling a devastating bacterial infection in her colon that also threatened her life...But "right when I got off the plane, I went to the hospital. I was having extremely bad stomach pain. A month later, we found out it was C. diff," Hunter said, using the abbreviation for the bacteria clostridium difficile...In spite of the antibiotics -- or possibly because of them -- C. diff infected her colon, causing severe stomach pain, diarrhea and vomiting...Increasingly, doctors are taking a different approach. Instead of continued assaults on bacteria, "fecal matter transplants" recolonize the colon with new bacteria from a healthy donor. "This is brand-new for most gastroenterologists," said Dr. Suku George, Hunter's treating physician. "We are very excited about this."..Hunter's mother "donated" one of her stools for the procedure. Next, the hospital lab carefully diluted it, and George pumped the foreign fecal matter right into Hunter's colon. The result ended Hunter's struggle with C. diff.

I don't know...I'm just shaking my head here with a cringe on my face...I don't think I could do it. I think I'd rather just deal with the tummy aches and cases of the shits and hope that the antibiotics took care of it at some point.

I mean, there's a reason "this is a brand-new" treatment...It's that most people are probably opposed to having someones SHIT pushed back up in their colon...that's typically a one way street my friend.

Not to mention the extremely awkward conversation with family members before, and after:

Before: "Mom, my stomach has been hurting real bad and I've had the squirts since June, I know this is weird, but can I have a cup of your poop? I'm going to have a doctor inject it up my ass, which will then cure my diarrhea...

*Quick Aside Here: I knew a kid in like, the third grade...nice Asian kid...He told me that one time he had a case of the farts so bad and it just wouldn't stop...you know what he told me he did? Stuck the leafy end of celery up there. Now, even as an impressionable third grader, I knew that was probably bogus...But even THAT seems more plausible than turkey basting my colon with someones shit. Ok, back to the dialogue. 


After: (family members coming to visit you in the hospital): "We're so glad you're feeling better, what did it, what turned it around for you?"

Patient: "Oh, well, my mom, she donated one of her logs to me and it saved my life."

Family: "Ok, well we just came by for a quick visit, we really have to be going, but so glad to see you're doing better..."