Despite Pussification of Current NFL Rules, Ndamukong Suh uses Thanksgiving to demonstrate What a “Dirty” Player is.

2 games isn't that bad, Ndamukong Suh. If you did that in public, it would be Assault and Battery.

I’ve had this discussion with friends and family members before, and I was always rebuffed with comments like, “He plays smash mouth football, its great somebody these days does.” Or “He’s a pass rusher dude, he’s supposed to play that way.” This is me standing on my soap box with a smug smile filled with satisfaction declaring emphatically, “I told you so.” Unless you are the least American person in the country and were not watching Packers vs Lions on Thanksgiving 2011, you bore witness to Mr. Suh, greatly offended when an offensive lineman touched his helmet, decided that an appropriate response to the situation was to spear his assailant (who was lying on the ground) in the bicep with his spikes.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I think Roger Goodell, in his Napoleonic-like crusade to maintain player safety in an intrinsically violent sport, has massively pussified serious aspects of the sport. Pass rushers, like Suh, have to hit quarterbacks within .000125 seconds of them releasing the ball or get hit with a 15 yard “Roughing the Passer” bullshit call (As much as I love you, Tom Brady, this is partially your fault due to your irate gesticulations and furious berating of officials over the years every time anyone hit you in the pocket.) Members of any secondary cannot so much as fart near an opposing receiver without drawing some type of penalty (This one is 100 % Saint Dungy’s fault for his endless bitching that his receivers were “man-handled” AKA his team got their ass whooped in the 2004 AFC Title game.)

But as Albert Haynesworth 2.0…uh, I mean Ndamukong Suh proved on a national scale, his complete disregard for other player’s well-being and visceral reactions to contentious moments on the field have entrenched him in the “dirty” category of football players. His emphatic claims that his job is to “hurt people” are evidence of his misguided notion of what the job description of a defensive player in the NFL is supposed to entail. The objective, in my mind, of a defensive player is to prevent the offensive player/team from scoring. This can be done in any number of ways, including tackling the ball carrier, intercepting a pass, or forcing and recovering a fumble. At no point in any of those objectives is the deliberate sabotage of another player’s physical faculty included. Do injuries happen in the course of game? Yes, absolutely. I am not so deluded as to think that players should never get hurt during the course of an NFL game. These guys are the best athletes in the world and are hurling themselves at each other at top speed with unfathomable strength. The chances that something twists the wrong way are fairly high. And if this happens during the course of what a player is supposed to be doing, well, shit happens.

But a deliberate stomp with the sharpened metal end of your footwear onto a man’s unexposed arm? What if that had been his wrist and he went out for the rest of the regular season? An NFL player’s livelihood and ability to do his job is almost entirely dependent on his physical health, and absolutely no player has the right, Suh included, to purposefully and spitefully take that from another player regardless of the nature of the sport. I actually like Suh when he plays the game the right way. He has the strength of a bull elephant, and he plays with a tenacity matched by few others in the league these days. But at the same time, he has the unrestrained emotionality and petulant reasoning that plagues many immature players, and his most recent offense coupled with his past instances of placing an oversized toe over the line have firmly entrenched him, at least for me, within the realm of a “dirty player.” Whether Suh attempts to reform this image or embrace it and deal with the sanctions that this type of style typically brings from the league office is up to him. For now though, I’ll enjoy calling him “Stompin’ Suh” until I can come up with a funnier name for him (or someone else does, then I can shamelessly steal it and pretend it’s my own material.)

P.S This might be an Alt Tab first, but I made it through an entire rant without using the word "fuck." Well, until right there. In any case, props to me for being civil for at least one entry.

China Stealing All My Good Ideas, To Eliminate Useless College Majors

WSJ - Much like the U.S., China is aiming to address a problematic demographic that has recently emerged: a generation of jobless graduates. China’s Ministry of Education announced this week plans to phase out majors producing unemployable graduates, according to state-run media Xinhua. The government will soon start evaluating college majors by their employment rates, downsizing or cutting those studies in which the employment rate for graduates falls below 60% for two consecutive years. The surge of collge grads, while an accomplishment for the country, has contributed to an overflow of workers whose skill-sets don’t match with the needs of the export-led, manufacturing-based economy. Many university professors in China are unhappy with the Ministry of Education’s move, as it will likely shrink the talent pool needed for various subjects, such as biology, that are critical to the country’s aim of becoming a leader in science and technology but do not currently have a strong market demand, a report in the state-run China Daily report said.

Now more certain than ever that China is hacking my e-mail account because I had a word for word e-mail chain a few weeks ago about this very subject, right as the Occupy Boston movement was heating up and college students were starting to complain that their Roman Art History majors weren't getting them employed. Fucking China, stealing nearly all of my million dollar ideas.

On a more serious note though, the US should probably consider something similar to this, maybe not cutting majors entirely, but how about incentives for students who choose majors that might actually lead to gainful employment, as opposed to British literature majors, Anthropology, "English majors" (I put that in quotes because there is no bigger cop-out...we've spoken English since Kindegarten, how about challenging yourself), etc... 

And figure it out fast, because right now, China still has it messed up, cutting Biology majors in favor of factory workers is just nonsense.

My Blog Game Will Be So Much Hotter After I Get this for Christmas

So here's the deal, basically you guys are getting the dregs of my ideas on a daily basis. The 10% of stuff I manage to remember when I get home, only watered down because I didn't just write down the first rant or commentary that popped in my head, so instead you end up with some bizarro blog that I've been brainstorming, internally, with myself all day...and I'm my own worst editor. No one takes a funny idea and waters it down into some long winded piece of shit quite like me.

To fix this, I legitimately asked for one of those tiny notebooks that come with a pen inside for Christmas (I specified that the pen cannot be sold separately, has to be a package deal), I lose 90% of all good ideas I have, because I have nothing to write them down on...plus, I'm way funnier when I'm thinking of the stuff off the top of my head, or at least that's what I tell myself, I always give myself a chuckle when its the first time I think of something. 

So, post Christmas, watch out Blog world, I'll be coming on strong (either that or I'll just be a grown man with a journal that contains ravings about bathroom stall use, road rage, and fluorescent lighting in my cube, we'll see). 

Memo To Prince William: You're A Prince, Take it Easy on the Action Hero Stuff

Daily Mail - The Duke of Cambridge helped pluck two shipwrecked sailors from a raging sea in a dramatic rescue, but five other crewmen were missing feared drowned last night. Prince William’s RAF search and rescue helicopter was scrambled in the early hours yesterday after the 267ft Swanland sank with its cargo of 3,000 tons of limestone after being hit by a massive wave off the North Wales coast. He was co-piloting the Sea King in 50mph winds as the crew from his base, RAF Valley in Anglesey, spotted the second officer and a crewmate in the sea and winched them to safety.

What an arse, being a Prince isn't enough, you've gotta be some kind of super hero too? Come on guy, leave the rescuing people routine to the rest of us simple folk who didn't grow up in Buckingham Palace, and haven't had British girls aged 13-55 fantasizing about us since the time we were like 12 and grew our first chin hairs. The fuck man. Go do Prince things, smile, wave, cut checks to things like "Save a Baby Seal foundation" or something, this is just overkill, and frankly, us normal folk are sick of it. 

Don't get me wrong, we're glad you saved that person, we just don't need you piloting the helicopter, it's probably hard enough being English and competing with a Royal Family for the non-bucktoothed girls of England, never mind having to deal with Rambo-Prince and his Ginger Brother.

8 Year Old Taken from Parents for Being Gigantic Fatso.

Fox News - An eight-year-old Ohio boy who weighs more than 200 pounds was taken from his family last month and placed in foster care after social workers said his mother was not doing enough to control his weight, The Plain Dealer reported. The third grader is considered severely obese by the standards of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, putting him at risk of developing diseases like diabetes and hypertension. The boy was taken out of his home on Oct. 19, according to The Plain Dealer. He is currently in foster care, and his mother can see him once a week for two hours. The case will be heard in court next month, The Plain Dealer reported. Cuyahoga County officials who were monitoring the child's health said the child's weight was caused by his environment and his mother was ignoring doctor's orders on food and exercise, the newspaper reported.

I don’t know where in Ohio this took place, but it must have been in the most rural area imaginable, because I can for sure tell you that any state health inspector that took one step inside your average White Hen pantry and saw the lard-ass innercity youths that reside at their candy counter, would have a fucking field day just shipping these tubby-tweens off to Ben Stillers fat camp.

Legit, I thought shit was bad back when I was 9 and was running a mean $2 tab with my local Ice Cream truck driver because of my borderline dependence on airheads and Sugardaddy’s (anyone who ever told you they knew the flavor of the white “mystery flavor" airhead was full of shit, no one knew, not even the makers, that’s why they never told us what it was), but that’s nothing compared to the fatso's today. I was legit in the store one time picking up an Arnie Palmer tall boy and some tubby actually asked me if he could have a dollar to buy candy. That’s how bad it is, 300 lb kids walking around with diabeetus so bad Walter Brimley would be proud, asking complete strangers to buy them candy. Shits crazy.

So what I'm saying is...I honestly forget what I'm saying here...But kids today are FAT, and if we're going to take this one kid away, we've got to take 'em all away.

Wilson Chandler is like the Chinese Michael Jordan...He's Also Stuck There for Life.

Yahoo - The Chinese Basketball Association is showing no inclination to let unhappy NBA players out of their contracts for the 2011-12 season, and will likely mandate they not receive clearance letters to return to the NBA until the Chinese season ends in March, sources told Yahoo! Sports. Wilson Chandler, Kenyon Martin, J.R. Smith and Aaron Brooks are the four top NBA players under contract in China, and several sources involved in those contract entanglements said escape clauses won’t be allowed with the impending end of the NBA lockout. Team officials have prepared for the possibility some players could try to force their way out of deals, but their contracts give teams the latitude to fine and suspend players without pay. Chinese teams invested heavily when they signed NBA players, also providing hotel suites, personal drivers and chefs to make the players more comfortable. “They can play, get paid [in China] and return to the NBA in March,” one Chinese team official said. “Or they can not get paid, and return to the NBA in March.” “If they think that they’re going to make things difficult, not play, create problems, what’s going to happen is that the teams will not release their letters of clearance they’ll need to sign in the NBA,” a Chinese Basketball Association official told Yahoo! Sports. “There’s no way out.” So far, Chandler – averaging 33 points for the Zhejiang Guangsha Lions – has been the most dominant player in the Chinese Basketball Association. On and off the floor, Chandler has required far less maintenance than his two former Nuggets teammates. Smith has constantly clashed with Zhejiang Chouzhou Golden Bulls officials since arriving in China.

Memo to David Stern: This is how you running a professional basketball league filled with hoodlums. With an iron fucking fist. Quotes like "They can play, get paid and return to the NBA in March, or they can not get paid and return to the NBA in March," and "There's no way out," are exactly what you needed to be throwing around during that lockout. Bullying is the only thing these fellas respond to, and yes you eventually broke their will, but it took like 6 months, I wouldn't exactly pat myself on the back after China figured out to handle 2 of your biggest malcontents (JR, Kenyon) in like 3 weeks of playing time.

And Wilson Chandler, maybe you should just stay in the Land of China...I mean 33 pts a night is nothing to sneeze at, bro, not for nothing, but you half suck over here. Not suck like you have no skill, but on a relative scale in the NBA kind of suck, decent but by no means a star worthy of teams putting you up in hotels, and driving you around in limos for your pick of the Geishas type stuff.  I don't know what the fuck is wrong with ya boy JR, but if I were you guys I'd 100% stay and live like kings.

Free hotels, free drivers, probably rolling in complimentary Peking Duck from adoring fans. You'll never have to pay for living arrangements, transportation, or food again (as long as you like Peking Duck). They'll almost certainly make a bootleg version of SpaceJam starring you (getting Mugsy Bogues might be tough, but I'm sure there's plenty of dark skinned asians around his height over there), and $3 million salary goes a long way over there, you could own half a country side of rice pattys and a small Mongol family to plow it for you. Yea, you guys should definitely stay...

PS: How excited are the citizens of Denver with JR and Kenyon out of the country? There's no way in hell they're being allowed back here, I'm 90% certain the NBA is supplementing their Chinese salary as we speak, just begging Chinese officials not to deport them.

Double PS: Rapid Fire, 3 Really Strange Things About that Picture Above:

1. Kenyon and JR played together on Denver for a number of season, this is the only picture of the two on google images together...not one chest bump photo, primal scream duette photo, 15 step hand shake photo, or photo of the two mugging some innocent person in a downtown Denver mall...mildly shocking, do they not like each other, or prefer not to be photo'd together to throw off Denver Vice cops?

2. I don't know what this man is possibly giving these two individuals an award for, outside of "most offensive looking tattoo's to white people by NBA teammates," so that's what we're going to assume it is.

3. Up until right now, I assumed both Kenyon and JR only owned shirts showing off the aforementioned tattoos. Kenyon, in particular, has never looked more out of place. Someone get my man an XXL cut-off white t-shirt, stat.