We're right in the thick of Hollywood award season, seemingly with a new, meaningless, circle-jerk award show on each weekend. With the endless array of shows and categories, awards season has in many ways become as obnoxious as modern day boxing. But which is more annoying? Lets take a look at the tale of the tape (yea, this is going to be a long one people)
1. Multiple Awards Shows Vs. Multiple Sanctioned Titles - Hollywood has the Academy Awards, the Golden Globes, AMA's, SAG's, People's Choice, Emmys, Grammys, and the CMA's, just to name a few. Over on the boxing side they've got belts for the ABC, IBF, WBA, WBC, and the WBO, across 17 different weight classes! Most obnoxious is definitely going to boxing in this category. Even with two shows just dedicated to country music (it saddens me that there's enough backwater hicks in this country to support two shows) this wasn't particularly close. Say what you want about the numerous award shows watering down the accomplishments of truly good performers, but at least I know what each shows anagram stands for. Same goes for the weight classes. Sure there are tons of meaningless awards given out to people such as "best vice key grip" or best backstage "fluffer" but again, at the very least these are well defined awards. How many of you know what range makes up the Bantamweight class? Or maybe someone can explain why there is a class change every 3 pounds? Shit I can gain 3 pounds at lunch, is that really going to give me an advantage over another fighter? Doubt it, I'd still get my ass kicked all the same.
Hollywood: 0, Boxing 1
2. Extreme Dieting/Botox/Silicon Vs. Weight Cutting and Performance Enhancers - Tough category. Personally I don't give a shit about either side, I personally prefer a steady diet consisting of fried foods, pizza, and burgers combined with the occasional walk up or down stairs or stroll to the bathroom. That said I guess I find Hollywood's body modification a smidge more obnoxious. At least boxers are working toward a competitive edge, and I've always believed if you aint cheating you aint trying. I fail to see the reason for the bimbo actress stretching her face back or tightening up their skin around their elbows (legit, they do that). Sorry ladies, you show me a guy that bases your attractiveness on lack of crows feet and smooth elbow skin and I'll show you a homosexual. Plain and simple, straight men aren't that superficial. As long as you score well in one of three categories you're fine by us, pretty face, nice rack, or great ass. Plain and simple, that's all it takes for a chic to succeed in the show biz.
Hollywood 1, Boxing 1
3. Nomination Shows and the Red Carpet Vs. Weigh-in and the Pre-fight presser: Boxing takes this in a landslide. There is no greater waste of time on Sportscenter than video footage of the boxing weigh in. Hey thanks Sportscenter, 'roided out goons in banana hammocks are exactly what I want to see with my morning cup of coffee. I blame Tyson for all the coverage these non-events get. The guy was so bat shit crazy that you couldn't not film him, you never knew what the hell was going to happen, just a one-in-a-million entertainer. Those days are long gone, though. Half the fighters these days don't even speak English and I have no interest in hearing Pablo's translator try and find English translations for Mexican proverbs. I actually find the red carpet entertaining. Who wore what outlandish outfit, who's dating who, and the fact that there is about a 50/50 shot that a movie star will open their mouth and say something unintentionally hilarious because they're unable speak properly without a script and cue cards in front of them.
Hollywood 1, Boxing 2
4. The Babbling Award Winner Vs. The Stalling Fighter - Both equally annoying. Nothing worse than a fighter who doesn't want to fight (especially after you just shelled out $44.95 in PPV fees), or a Doofus actor using his spotlight to ramble on righteously about some charitable cause his handlers just told him would be good for his image. Tough one indeed. To break the tie we're going to look to the way each situation is handled. Hollywood has the orchestra music, boxing has the referee. The winner, Boxing. At least with the Orchestra you see a Hollywood Star, used to getting their way, basically being told to shut their piehole. In boxing the ref breaks the hold or gives a warning and then 30 seconds later the slouch is back to stalling and holding again. The stalling boxer is definitely more obnoxsious than the babbling star.
Hollywood 1, Boxing 3
5. The Fix Is In - Ever sat around and openly wondered how a certain actor or actress was even up for nomination, never mind how they actually won the award? You're definitely not alone. But while their may be plenty of anectodal evidence that the award shows are nothing more than Hollywood handjobs for the in-crowd, there's no real hard evidence of fixing and corruption as there is with boxing. I'm pretty sure James Cameron isn't in cahoots with mob bosses and loan sharks so I'd say you're getting a fair shake on your Oscar's prop bets (although if The Social Network takes home best picture a serious investigation needs to be carried out, that movie ate dick).
Hollywood 1, Boxing 4
6. More Hype Than Substance - Let's be honest, most of us aren't watching the shows to see who wins the awards. We want to be entertained, we want a funny host and some great performances. We rarely get it. More often than not the host is a neutered comedian (Ricky Gervais at the Golden Globes excluded) like Jimmy Fallon just trying to be cordial and not step on the toes of any potential future projects. The performances often suck too. A bunch of lip synching pop tarts and some poorly sound checked rockbands (or ill-advised come backs ala Guns N' Roses). Basically 90% of all award shows suck for real entertainment value.
As for boxing, when you're shelling out $44.95 for pay-per view you're obviously hoping you see an epic fight, two dudes just slugging it out with everything they got. Thing is this rarely happens, especially at the heavyweight level. More of then than not you end up with two guys cautiously jabbing at each other, neither looking to do anything too stupid like take a punch to the face that could post pone any endorsement deals. Some people lament and bitch about shelling out the cash for a 1st or 2nd round knockout, I'd take that 100 times out of 100 before I watch two guys play the matador with each other, or have one fighter dance around the ring like he's auditioning for an episode of So You Think You Can Dance.
The difference between the two events, I think most people go into a major boxing event with the acknowledgement that they're most likely blowing their money on a lack luster event. When you know the show will most likely suck going in it softens the blow when it finally hits you. Point Hollywood in this round.
Hollywood 2, Boxing 4
7. Which Event Pretends to Have More Importance - I think in the last few years boxing has sort of made piece with its secondary sport status in America, and really its not that bad. Yea it's no longer got a wide national following, but at the same time it's no where near as pathetic as its former contemporary Horse Racing has become. It would be one thing if the people following the sport were all 60+, degenerate gamblers, with smokers rasps, but the sport is much healthier than that. It may no longer be a national pass time but it's not exactly jockeying for space on the back pages of the sports news with the WNBA, NASCAR and local girls lacrosse box scores. So it's got that going for it.
The awards on the other hand are just basically filler at this point. Aside from finding out who won the major categories at the Oscars the next day (yea that's right, I can't even be bothered to hear the results live) I don't think the majority of American's give a shit about Hollywood Award season. Sure it dominates celebrity magazines and Hollywood Entertainment TV, but that's really just to give bored housewives something to talk about. Think about it, you really only hear about awards season during a 2 or 3 month span leading up to the shows, literally 2 days later no one cares or speaks about it. Even the celebrities don't really appear aware that most people don't give a shit about the awards 70% of the year. Why do you think all the movies up for awards some out October - December? People have no attention span anymore. You release a movie in February there is no way in hell I'll remember or care about your performance come next January. Yep, Hollywoods fake importance is far more annoying.
Final Tally Hollywood 3, Boxing 4.
