March Madness and The Modern Office: The Most Useless Week of the Year

It's here folks, March Madness. Time to tell your bosses to screw (well, your female ones anyway, chances are the male bosses are right there with you), clog company bandwith with live streaming of the Thursday/Friday games, and raid the supply closet for black ink for all your brackets, and not to mention the research you'll undoubtedly be going over in the handicap stall all week. 

I previously ranked the first Thursday and Friday of March Madness as the 3rd and 4th ranked most useless days of the business year, but really this week is more than that. It's an entire week of slacking. From Monday when you first roll in discussing the results of the weekends conference championships, discussing various seedings and tough matchups, and fending off the "upset" picks of co-workers who hadn't watched a second of college basketball this year but found time to read 5 minutes worth of an Andy Katz analysis late last night. 

Tuesday after having absord all the information at hand is selection day. You make the easy, surefire picks and further analyze the matchup's you're not too sure about. You start caring about things like "3pt defensive rating" and team rebounding statistics (not that it matters, a girl or similarly unprepared guy will win your pool). 

Wednesday is kind of the calm before the storm. You discuss your final picks with others, secretly rip behind the non-sports fans backs for their embarrassing picks, again, knowing full well that they'll in all likelihood win, no matter, this is your day, you're the sports fan and this is your time to lord it over everyone.

Thursday and Friday - Fughettaboutit. Didn't take the day off from work? No problem. Take an extra long lunch break, visit CBSSports.com for your once yearly visit to a second rate sports website, go find the empty presentation room that has a projector hooked up to cable (Jackpot! And yes, that is the route I personally take). 

So enjoy everyone, this is the one week a year where it's universally accepted that your productivity will be halved. If offices had any wherewithal they'd just close down this week, similar to those smaller offices that close the week of Thanksgiving or the week between Christmas and New Years.  Frankly, this is a more important week, one that heathens, Jews, Christians, and Muslims (I imagine, anyway) alike can celebrate. This is March Madness. 

Tune back tomorrow for my match-up by match-up analysis of the first round and Wednesday afternoon for my final picks. I'd advise heavily that you do not use my picks in any analytical form...better off checking with that guy that straight up doesn't like sports in your office.

ED Note: Yea, I'll just be posting everything on Wednesday, coming up with comments for every match ups two days in a row proved much too difficult for my minimal writing skills.

 

Retweets The New Virtual Autograph? I Hate the Internet

My Fox Boston - Forget standing in line for hours, hoping for a scribbled, barely legible autograph on a wrinkled piece of paper. Or jockeying for spots behind the dugout, on the off chance a signed ball or batting glove gets tossed your way. When it comes to souvenirs from your favorite athlete, the retweet is where it's at these days. "@SHAQ the real superman, can i get a birthday retweet from the most dominant big man of all time?" "It's my birthday and all I want is for @KingJames to tweet me !! "@Donald_Driver80 I love you so much. I have a piece of your jersey, I want more. I want(need) an RT from you. See ya in a lambeau leap!! "@serenawilliams please don't let me go 0-5 for (hash)serenafriday RT from my favorite female tennis player?"

These people are tools. Absolute tools. Every time I see a "can I get a RT from (fill in the blank celebrity), it's my (fill in the special occasion)," I get irrationally angry.  I'd rather the celebrity tweet back, "No, you can't, get some real friends so they can sing you happy birthday, you loser."  That would make me so unbelievably happy. What's the best case scenario here? The minimum wage intern or posse member that handles the celebrities twitter account clicks RT? Big fucking whoop, congrats.

I honestly hate the internet these days, and it's not just Retweet requests, its these awful "meme's," wow, you're so clever, you figured out how to caption a picture! 

It's rage comics that make no fucking sense. Congrats, you have the motor and drawing skills of a 4 year old.

It's these ridiculous six frame "What I do, what people think I do, yada fucking yada, poster things.

And finally, pictures of food on facebook...Yea, I ate dinner tonight too, I'm just not naive enough to think that the meal I ate off my coffee table while watching American Idol was newsworthy.

CUT IT OUT PEOPLE, YOU'RE MAKING ME HATE THE INTERNET.

Woman Who Invented Spanx is a Billionaire.

Fox News - When Sara Blakely was a 27-year-old salesgirl with the bright idea to create shaping, smoothing undergarments, she had no idea that her creation would take her on a journey to become the youngest woman to debut on the Forbes Magazine Billionaires List, which was released Wednesday. According to Forbes, Spanx is valued by several Wall Street Banks at an average $1 billion. That figure squeezes 41-year-old Blakely - who owns 100 percent of the private company -- into an elite circle of super-rich, mostly male, movers and shakers. She ranks 1,153 of 1,226 on the Forbes list.

First off, congrats to Sara Blakely, a billion dollars off selling hosiery is no joke.

But secondly, this story just confirms for me what I've always believed: If you're selling something targeting women and you tell them it'll help them lie about what they really look like, you've got a million dollar product...Or in the case of this spanx lady, a billion dollar product. You've just gotta help them lie.

It really is that simple, tell a group of woman you have something that'll further help them conceal their true looks from the world and you'll have an absolute feeding frenzy. Makeup, push-up bras, breast implants, spanks, hair extensions, fake eye lashes! I mean fake eye lashes, people. As if any guy has ever given a half a shit about what some girls eye lashes look like. If you're a girl and you've found a guy that you can't quite get to take the bait, eye lashes are not going to help, and if they do, well you probably found a guy with a case of the ghey. 

And ladies, this is in no way a plea for you to change, please, please, keep your vanity driven consumeristic habits, at least long enough for me to come up with a product to get rich off of.

Papelbon Says Phillies Fans Are Better than Boston Fans...Seriously, Who GIVES A SHIT?

Boston.Com - Jonathan Papelbon took a break from trying to unlock the potential of cold fusion to conduct a radio interview in Philadelphia.

"The difference, I would say, between Boston and Philadelphia, is that, you know, I think that the Boston fans are a little bit more hysterical when it comes to the game of baseball. I'd say the Philly fans, I think they tend to know the game a little bit better, being in the National League, the way the game is played."

So being a fan of a National League team makes you smarter? It must be all those tricky double switches. And having the pitcher bunt, that's practically advanced trigonometry. It's confusing just to think about.

Do we have to do this, guys? I'm of course talking to the Boston sports media. Do we have to try and tear a guy down just because he left. Can we just skip the next week and a half of being all fired up over a throw away comment he made to appease his new fans and not pretend its something more than it is?

He left for greener pastures, I mean literally greener pastures, he took a boat load of money. I'm sure he looks back fondly on his time here, the World Series, the Shipping up to Boston, the Irish Jig that people still thought was so novel 4 years later. I'm sure he loved every minute of it, but here's the thing, he's not here any more.  He's in Philly.

He can't be down in Philly talking up how great the fans were up here, how we're so much better than the scumbags and thugs in Philly, he just can't.  Let it go. Doesn't make him a bad guy, it makes him smarter than you guys ever gave him credit for. 

New Feature: What Did Randy Jackson Wear Last Night?

Two Words: Game Changer. Randy Jackson's outfits have been absolutely on fire this season. This right here is just a selection of his last three, and he's Killing It, Dawg! Lebron and Dwayne Wade take note, this is how you dress. You gotta own it. And yes, I'm going to be tracking Randy's outfits right here each week from here on out, this kinda fashion mogulery deserves its own feature.

Picture one is probably the best illustration of Randy's theme this season you're gonna see, The Plural Tone. That's right, Plural. Randy is sure as hell not settling for two-tone, but he's not going to be painted into a box as just a quad-tone or just a tri-tone dresser either. 

Picture One - Classic Quad-Tone, in your face, not at all subdued, fire. That's how I'd describe it. Sadly, I'm fairly certain white people such as myself will never pull off  a shirt with that kind of flair. 

Picture Two - The Subtle Tri-Tone.  It's not a great picture, but yes, that is fur on the collar of Randy's jacket. Brown fur. On a black jacket...I know what you're thinking, that shouldn't go at all. And yet, when Randy throws it on, I don't know, he just looks like a dignified version of Shaft, crossed with Colin Powell (though I think that's mostly because of the glasses).

Picture Three - Mista Raja's Neighborhood. Yes, that is a button down sweater vest with cream colored sleaves sewn to it (so I guess it's not technically a vest?). Yes he is pulling it off. Yes, Jennifer Lopez looks absolutely stunning.  Honestly, bad move by Randy here, because that outfit is gold, but he let himself get upstaged here. I mean, I was going to crop J-Lo out, but I just couldn't. 

My question, is Randy concocting these things himself? I can almost picture him sewing on the flair to a normal blue shirt, sewing on that fur patch, and stitching cream colored sleaves onto his sweater vest. Shouldn't this be a behind the scenes look from Idol? Like screw these contestants bland, already been done back stories, lets go behind the scenes on Randy's wardrobe, that's whats hot. 

Cop Fired for Hauling Mattresses on Police Cruiser

(NewsCore) - A Florida police officer who was just days from retirement was fired after being caught hauling two mattresses on her patrol car. Lyles was not on duty at the time and officers are permitted to use their patrol cars for personal use -- within reason. "It embarrasses not only the officer, but it embarrasses our department," Miami-Dade Police Commander Nancy Perez said. "It is obvious we are not allowed to transport mattresses on the top of our marked police units. There are other items we cannot transport ... animals to veterinarians, children to school."

Never mind getting fired, I believe this should be a licensing revoking event. In fact this should probably be a question on the exam when you first get your license;

 "At any point in time do you see yourself endangering yourself and others on the road by strapping a completely non-aero dynamic mattress to the roof of your car, in hopes that the thin piece of twine and your forearm strength will be enough to make it safely home?"

If you answer "Yes" then you're denied a license for life. I've seen my fair share of mattresses on the side of the highway and a few close calls where the mattress was clearly going but just hadn't broke free yet. Bottom line, if you don't have a pickup truck or SUV, you need to pay for shipping or risk the loss of your license for life.  We've got the government over here banning everything from drunk driving to texting and just blatantly ignoring the highest risk driving habit on the road today. The ignorant driver who thinks their Toyota Corolla can defy the laws of physics. 

Snooki is Pregnant, Is her Career Over? A Few Snooki Centric Mommy Career Ideas

HuffPo - "I think Snooki's brand will be negatively affected by her recent pregnancy and news that she is considering marriage," Ronn Torossian, CEO of 5WPR, a leading PR agency, said. " "For most of her audience, it will absolutely end her brand," Lawrence said. "If you think about all of the jokes made at her expense, it's all about partying, indiscriminate sexual encounters, humping plants, fighting in bars. She's known for being an irresponsible party girl. It's a very 'single, drunk in the city' image. Motherhood does not and frankly should not fit into that image." "To me, she's always seemed like a modern-day Lucille Ball and the reason why Snooki has resonated with so many people is because she's relatable," Daymond John of ABC's "Shark Tank" insisted. "Just as she's showed millions of people how fun it can be to in your 20s, she can now show how fantastic it can be to start a family. Children's books, baby and infant clothing, weight loss after pregnancy -- there are limitless options. If done correctly, I think this will give her brand even more longevity."

Aww, don't give up Snooks, your career won't die like most woman's do when they have kids, Daymond John is right, there's plenty of Mommy things you can do. You can basically start your own cottage industry for drunk, club happy Mommy's going through Post Karma Depression. A few thoughts, right off the top of my head:

While there are numerous self help books I could see you writing, I think the best seller idea would be "Drinking for New Mommy's." You could tackle all the usual issues new moms face when trying to get back into the game after their 9 month pregnancy detox. Homemade hangover cures, how to get your baby on the same hungover sleep cycle you're on, and the art of pawning your baby off to family members while you're on a "Stella Got her Groove Back" club tour.

You could also team up with the scientists at Johnson and Johnson to invent the first breast pump that separates toxins and alcohol from the breast milk so your baby doesn't end up with the same alocohol dependency that got you in this situation in the first place...this is a million dollar idea that, frankly, I'm upset I just gave away.

A new clothing line, Snooki's Animal Print Maternity Line. Lets face it, this has been a long time coming. When you're 8 months pregnant its nearly impossible to find a good leopard print dress. Make it happen.

And finally, Heals for Preggo's. A sturdy, comfortable, stylish heal for fashion conscious Club Mommy's. Sturdy enough to hold your extra weight and wide enough to contain your swollen feet.

See, nothing to worry about Snooks. Plenty of career opportunities for the new age promiscuous mom.

RIP, Patriots - Colts Rivalry 2001-2011

ESPN - Peyton Manning's 14-year career with the Indianapolis Colts is coming to an end after owner Jim Irsay informed the four-time NFL MVP on Monday night that the team will release him, according to team sources. Irsay and Manning traveled together Tuesday night from South Florida on Irsay's private jet and will conduct a joint news conference at noon ET on Wednesday, which sources said will be to announce the quarterback's departure.

As a Pats fan, this is exactly how I reacted to hearing this news yesterday afternoon: 

"Wow" (not a surprised tone, just more of a subdued, it finally happened tone). "That's really do bad, end of an era." 

Classy right? Except if you saw me doing it you would have seen a smug little smirk and a joyous twinkle in my eye.  For sure I meant what I said, but just not as much as I relished the victory at hand. 

We (Pats fans and Brady supporters) just won the greatest standoff since the Cold War people. This was sporting world equivalent of the Berlin Wall coming down. That smirk was the first time I smiled at football related news in over a month. It's probably what 2nd graders felt like when they were told they'd no longer have to practice hiding under their desk to protect them from nuclear fall out after the Cold War ended. 

Yes, a big part of me laments the end to this great rivalry from the past decade.  It was a guaranteed great game and the games almost always had great implications for each team's season (whether playoffs or regular season, something was always at stake). 

But the homer in me, the guy who wants his team and his players to win at all costs is celebrating a fabricated victory today. We just outlasted Peyton Manning, the guy with the laser, rocket arm. The Colts franchise is in shambles, the front office cleared out, a new coaching staff coming in, and now, next season, a new quarterback, leader, and era. The Kremlin has fallen, the Death Star has been defeated, the good guys won out. 

PS: I would not have felt this way if Peyton had just walked off into the sunset, as he probably should be doing.  I truly believe his coming out and putting on throwing demonstrations in the last month was the worst thing he could have done, because now he can't retire. He can't walk away having just proved he still has something left, the great ones never can. But that doesn't mean it's the right choice for Peyton. Not many great ones have had to decide between retiring or putting their fused neck vertebraes to the test. Not many great ones have had to travel outside the country to seek medical treatment that's not yet legal in the United States just in hopes of prolonging their careers. 

It's not worth it Peyton. You're not chasing anything. The consecutive games chase and an additional Super Bowl were all you had left, and now, you're not getting either one. What's the best case scenario? You sign with Arizona, who already has a half decent offense, and hope to lead them out of the desert? That's not going to happen. It's just not. 

And records? You've got nothing to prove. You're not going to catch Brett, and frankly, no one cares if you do. Brett was a freak of nature, he played 20 years straight, those records are as much a result of longevity as they are greatness. The guy was flat out a detriment to his teams late in his career, padding his stats like a self absorbed egotistical maniac...That's not you. Sure, in a couple seasons you can probably pass Marino for a couple of key milestones, but you don't have to do that either. You won a Super Bowl, he didn't. If you're a few yards short or a couple touchdown passes behind, no one is going to hold it against you when it comes to historical comparisons.  You have nothing left. 

Let this one go, walk off the field on your own terms, take a few years off, work on a few more deadpan commercials, root for your brother, but don't come back. Don't ruin your legacy as a Colt. Even as a rival Patriots fan who has absolutely hated you for the entirety of your career I know how much more it will mean if you retire a life long Colt. The time is now. Make the right decision.

So Tired of these "Ice Cream is Addictive as Crack" Studies.

HuffPo - If you still feel an urge for more after polishing off a tub of ice cream, you may be experiencing addiction cravings similar to those of dependent drug users, recent research suggests. A study from the Oregon Research Institute adds to previous research findings that found junk food and high fat and sugary foods can become addictive when eaten on a regular basis. The scientists looked at a particular brand of ice cream to investigate the effects it has on the brain. The study, involving 151 teenagers, found that when ice cream was eaten to excess, the chemicals in the food tampered with the brain's reward response, reducing the ‘feel good’ boost, making them want more.

Keep all your fancy-schmancy research to yourself, Oregon Research Institute, I'll settle this one for you right now. Ice Cream is NOT as addictive as Crack, know how I know? 

I've never pawned a personal belonging so I could go buy a frappe. People are not typically concerned that I may seize up or overdose after I eat a particularly delicious Dairy Queen Blizzard. I've never offered to suck dick for a kiddie-cone of mint chocolate chip. I've never stolen baby formula and tried to sell it off to neighborhood baby mama's at black market prices for two scoops of black raspberry ice cream. I've never quit my job to walk from corner to corner trying to find the cheapest two scoops in the area. And finally, I've never stashed a sugar cone up my ass crack to hide it from the po-po's. 

Now, for me, I've never done any of that for crack either, but it's a bit of a different story for this guy:

This guy has pawned his children's belongs for a quick score, and people are concerned that he may die after a particularly good rock or two. He has most certainly offered to suck a strangers dick in exchange for money for drugs. He's almost certainly been arrested for stealing baby formula and trying to sell it on the black market. He's definitely quit his job in pursuit of crack and the riches of the crack dealing ponzi scheme. And finally, he absolutely stashes his crack pipe in his ass crack for safe keeping from the po-po's. 

But hey, other than all that, yea I guess ice cream and crack are sort of similar...