There's not many Christmas songs that CW endorses, but Conan's "Minty Fell on the Ground" is one of the select few. It's got everything you need, a holiday symbol, a few wise cracks, a reference to excrement, and the word Christmas, that's it, that's the formula for Christmas Carol success...It's so damn catchy I may have to revise my recent blog about things I'm compelled to yell or sing when they pop in my head, because I've been belting out this number for the past 24 hours, with no end in sight...should be an interesting day at work.
I've also begun re-thinking Seany-Mo's definitive blog in which it was decided that Thanksgiving narrowly beats out Christmas in the Battle of the Holiday Heavyweights. I'm not saying I'm quite ready to overturn his decision, I'm just saying these last few days have made me realize its probably not as clear cut as previously thought. Note for my Yiddish followers, though your Holiday may not be in the running of the Battle of the Holiday Heavyweights, I promise there's a section just for you at the end of this blog...But please read the whole blog.
When it comes down to the actual day of the Holiday, I personally think Thanksgiving takes it in a landslide, you have 3 main objectives, eat, watch football, and finding a relaxed, comfortable position on the couch for maximum digestion. The actual day of Christmas is a bit more hectic than that, there's kids with new toys, wrapping paper everywhere, that random fruitcake or odd desert that no one really wants to eat but you feel compelled to take a bite, lest anyone feel bad on Christmas, only then you end up feeling like a hypochondriac the rest of the day wondering if your stomach is rumbling because of that half bite of fruitcake you had, or the 3.5 pounds of turkey, ham, mashed potatoes, and cheese cake. There's just a lot going on Christmas day, and frankly it's too much for me.
But here's where it gets interesting, in weighing Christmas, I really think you have consider the lead up to the day, almost as much as the day. And Christmas smokes Turkey Day in that regard. Sure the week leading up to Thanksgiving I'm mildly excited about the eating and drinking and football, but that's nothing compared to Christmas. For like 3 straight weeks I'm actively thinking, excitedly, about A) What I'm getting for Christmas, and B) What I'm giving for Christmas (here's a hint, gift cards), but mainly A.
There's nothing like chilling on the couch a few feet away from your tree with a couple of wrapped presents underneath it for building anticipation, or knowing that gifts specifically earmarked for you are probably in the closet right next to your bed while you're trying to go to sleep. It keeps me up nightly. I turn into a quasi Brad Pitt in the critically acclaimed SE7EN, only in a good, " I wonder what Santa brought me this year!" kind of way, not in a, is my dead wife's going to pop out of there like a jack-in-the-box kind of way.
Call me crazy, but I just think you have to count that level of anticipation into the overall ranking of the holiday. I've been giddy like a kid all week just waiting for this weekend to get here, I mean, I took the day off this past Monday and this has still easily been the lonnnngeestt week I think I've ever worked. I spent the better part of Wednesday afternoon, assuming it was Friday, so you can imagine how Thursday felt, and I how I'm bordering on a manic breakdown as I prepare for work right now (I'm sitting in my bathrobe debating whether I could skate through today by logging on from home and pretending to do work but really watching a marathon of Home Alone, HA2, Christmas Vacation, and Bad Santa)...and that's the other thing about the lead up to Christmas, the movies. Thanksgiving's got shit for movies unless you count that depressing as hell Charlie Brown's Thanksgiving special, which I don't. And the thing about Christmas movies is they have something for everyone's genre, no matter what your taste in movies. You want an action movie complete with dead European hostage takers? Bam, Lethal Weapon. You want a boring as hell black and white movie that only your grandparents can relate to? It's a Wonderful Life. Want to remember the simpler days as a kid when all you wanted was the coolest toy so you could fit in with all the other kids? Christmas Story. A kid or delusional adult who still likes cartoons? Disney's got ya covered. Have a weird affinity for seeing Will Ferrel run around in bright yellow tights with his bulge exposed for an hour and a half? Merry Christmas, here's your own personal copy of Elf. We've even got movies for those of you who are somehow depressed this time of the year, hope you enjoy A Christmas Carol(scroll like midway down). There's something for everyone (except Jews and Kwanzans), and that's something to be considered.
All that said, I'm not quite ready to dethrone Thanksgiving, but this new line of thought has probably made the contest closer than ever in my mind, but there is still just something to be said for a Holiday where it is socially acceptable, if not outright encouraged, for you to unbutton your pants and sit in the company of your siblings, parents, grandparents, and even aunts and uncles, in front of the warm glow of a plasma TV, with all of your pants opened. It's Magic.
Now, as promised for loyal Jewish following (do I have a Jewish following? It would really help to know my demographic, go a head and toss me an interesting at the end of this if you're Jewish, that way I'll know to cater to you in the future), I give you, Conan O'Briens "Human Centipede Menorah"
A couple of observations here, 1) There must have been all out, royal rumble style, fist fights backstage to decide who got to be the head in this ridiculous costume...I wouldn't be surprised if a one or two people gave their life trying to win the right to be the lead. And 2) One thing I've always been confused about, Chanukah (I prefer the "Ch" spelling, it seems more traditional, though this is coming from a devoutly non-Jewish person) is eight days long, yet there are nine candles on the Menorah. What gives? If ya'll were worried about the oil lasting eight days, maybe just blow out the huge overshadowing candle in the middle? I've just always found that strange, and I'm sure I'm not the first to ask, probably every wise-ass 2nd grader in Hebrew school has asked that throughout time, but that's the thing about me, I have the same inquisitive, smart-alecky mind of a Yiddish 8 year old. So along with throwing me an "interesting" after this blog, if you could leave a message detailing the reasoning behind the 9th light which overshadows all other lights, that would be fantastic.
Thanks to everyone who read this post in it's entirety, I wish you all a Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah, and whatever else you're celebrating...for the rest of you who just skimmed, for shame.
