The Sacajawea Sucks: Fantasy Football and Creative Payment Ideas

So I've been racking my brain the last couple of days on how to pay my fantasy football dues in a somewhat creative way. The past few times I've resorted to writing out checks with bogus memo lines such as "Money Laundering," "Terrorist Funding," "human trafficking," etc...This year I'm looking to change that up, it's gotten a little old, and frankly, I'm not sure how many checks like that I can send out without triggering a federal audit and a possible trip to Gitmo.

Anyway, I came up with a few ideas, taping one dollar bills end to end together, writing hundreds of checks for various random amounts forcing the commish to sign each and every one (yes I'd be signing them too, but it doesn't seem like work when you know there's a hilarious payoff coming), mailing one dollar bills in individual envelopes (stamp cost might not be worth it), and then I came to Sacajawea's. Just paying with rolls of gold coins. Genius, right?

WRONG. So wrong. I wouldn't wish a stack of Sacajawea's on my worst enemy, never mind the commish. Sacajawea's are the WORST.  To the point where I'm not even sure how, in 2012, a year where we've openly discussed getting rid of the penny, and thrown out plans for eliminating physical currency all together, the government and federal mint still thinks there are people out there who won't mind carrying around a satchel of gold shekels like freaking Ebeneezer Scrooge. It's absurd. Have you ever put a $10 or $20 bill into a parking garage pay machine, or subway ticket machine, thinking you'd be getting back a few bills in change only to hear dozens of coins flying out like you just hit the jackpot at a casino slot machine? Such a sinking feeling.

You walk around all day like you just got robbed, because let's be honest, that's not real money. I mean, yea, technically it's legal tender, but no non-sociopath can go into a store and saddle up at the register with a handful of  Sacajawea's with a clear conscience. You're ripping that store off. You know it, the store owner knows it, the people behind you know it. "Look at this cheapskate asshole, ripping off this poor small business proprietor," they're probably all saying. It sucks, I won't do it. I'd rather walk around feeling like I'd been ripped off and take those Sacajawea's home to put them where I belong...In my pathetic coin collection...Couple half dollars, a silver dollar, the odd Deutschmark and kroner here or there, and a pile of Sacajawea's I'll never spend...Just leave them there to collect dust and take it as a loss.

The moral of the story, Commish, rest easy. I won't be paying you in stacks of Sacajawea's.

Tom Curran Asks Tom Brady What We've All Been Wondering for 3 Years

For the record, asking an NFL Quarterback, MVP, Superbowl MVP, one of the greatest players ever, who also happens to go home to a supermodel every night, "Who does that? Is that the whole self… Do you lay that out? Does someone lay that out for you?”...Might be the most emasculating question in the history of sports questions.

It honestly doesn't get any more humiliating than someone asking you if you're clothes were laid out for you. You just can't come back from that. Brady knew it, just conceded with a "no comment" and moved on.

Brilliant interviewing by Tom Curran. 

On Election Day, A Brief Reminder of How Batshit Crazy Our Politics Are

CNN - More money, less unity Neither candidate can say his deadlocked fate in the polls is because people have not heard his message. No other election has ever seen so much money raised and spent to win the White House -- latest estimates have the 2012 campaign costing, all in, as much as $6 billion. All those ads, all those TV interviews with the candidates and their surrogates, all the debates and bus trips. They've each had their chances to break out over and over again. Yet neither has been able to get the job done. They may have, however, accomplished another task. Although they each gave lip service to the idea of us all being in this together, the divisiveness of the race itself seems to have hardened opinions even more in red and blue America. In the end, it remains to be seen if there will be a president of the United States.

$6 Billion dollars folks. That's a lot of guac. A shit ton of money, if you ask me, just to parade through a series of commercials and rallies, eloquently pointing out that your opponent is an asshole, without actually saying those words. I don't know about the rest of you, but I think I'd prefer one of the candidates to just come out and be like, "Hey, vote for me, I don't really like the other guys opinions, he's a bit of a doofus, and between you and me, most of the Senate can't stand him...Oh yeah, and he's a horrendous tipper." Boom election won and all those ridiculously misguided philanthropists and Super PAC's who donated the equivalent of a few very poor country's National GDP's...well maybe they can funnel their money elsewhere into something useful instead of continuing to advance their league of shadows type political cult they've got going on. Or you know, maybe just pay a little more in taxes, we have this huge debt thing I keep hearing about.

T-Rex vs. Triceratops...Who Ya Got?

Fox News - It was the greatest showdown of the dinosaur kingdom. The carnivorous apex predator Tyrannosaurus versus the heavily shielded plant-eating Triceratops. But scientists were never quite sure how the fearsome T-rex could penetrate the armored three-horned herbivore when it came time for dinner -- until now. Denver Fowler and his colleagues at the Museum of the Rockies last week presented the first study done on a collection of bite-scarred fossils to get an idea of how the legendary Tyrannosaurus fed. Gruesomely, Fowler explains, though the work is still in its early stages. By studying consistent sets of bitemarks, Fowler and his team concluded that the T-rex feasted on the Triceratops by popping off its head. “It's gruesome, but the easiest way to do this was to pull the head off,” Fowler told Nature. Since the bite-marks didn’t show signs of healing, it means they were made when the dino was already dead. Some scars could only have been made if the Triceratops had been decapitated -- in order to get to the nutrient rich neck muscles.

How ruthless is that? Just popping the head off its most noble adversary like a prehistoric pez dispenser. Pure awesomeness.

I'm going to be honest, as a kid I always rooted for the Triceratops. Just the blue collar worker of the dino-world. Keeps his horns down and goes about his business, not afraid to scrap from time to time when the situation calls for it. All around good dude.  T-Rex just seemed like a bully out picking on everyone, but at the end of the day was probably just compensating for his tiny hands.

Well I guess fucking not. Guy wasn't king of the dinosaurs for nothing. Just popping his foods head off for sport. Makes me kinda like him more than the Triceratops. Yea there's something noble about rooting for the underdog, it's natural, we do it in sports all the time...In fact growing up I often thought of the Triceratops as Agassi and T-Rex as Sampras...and I hated Sampras. Just cold and calculating...no real emotion. Plus he was stuffing Ms. Vaughn which pissed me off even more.  So I always rooted for Agassi...but honestly, if Sampras had been as much of a boss as the T-Rex was? I'd have been his most loyal follower.

So there it is, I'm officially switching allegiances. I'm taking the T-Rex. It's like rooting for the most dominant boxer in his prime. It's really one of the only situations in sports I can think of where the majority roots for the favorite...and I guess that makes T-Rex the Tyson of the sporting world, which fits. Tyson compensated for that lisp and T-Rex is compensating for those dainty little girl hands.

Mass Judge Orders State to Hire Expert to Decide if Hairy Jailhouse Tranny is Entitled to Free Electrolysis

BOSTON (FOX 25 / MyFoxBoston.com) U.S. Chief Judge Mark Wolf ordered the state to hire an expert to decide whether or not a convicted murderer needs to receive electrolysis due to gender identity disorder. The Boston Globe reports that Judge Wolf handed down a six-page ruling on Wednesday which calls for the Department of Correction to hire someone who will determine whether or not electrolysis is medically necessary for Michelle Kosilek. The inmate's attorneys argue that hair removal is necessary as part of treatment for gender identity disorder. Michelle Kosilek lived as a man under the name Robert Kosilek when he strangled his wife to death in 1990. Judge Wolf recently ordered the state to fund Kosilek's sex change, but Gov. Deval Patrick has appealed the ruling and called for the surgery to be delayed during the appeal.

Hey Judge - Are you fucking kidding me here? Have a sac, man. I have no idea what this convicted tranny has on you but it must be something good...Not only do you rule that the state needs to pay for this dude's surgical transition to a woman (which I assume means snipping his dick?), but now you want the state to pay for an experts opinion on whether or not this dude should be entitled to free electrolysis, because you know, he'd be a pretty hair woman? Get the fuck out. Seriously, get the fuck out. I know you recently half retired, how about you do all us common sense, tax paying, non-murdering folks a favor and fully retire.

I mean you've got to be kidding me here. Just ordering more tax payer dollars for a study on something that is as simple as this: Are any of the other actual woman in jail entitled to free electrolysis? No? Ok then. There is your answer. You don't think Juanita with the mustache that just goes by Juan in cell block E wants electrolysis? Of course she does. Same with every other hairy bitch in there. Latino's and Italian women with mustaches and yetti arms, black women with sideburns...they all would take free hair removal, doesn't mean they're entitled to it.

So seriously, Judge Wolf, just get the fuck out of there. Stop costing the State money with your frivolous rulings. Go enjoy a round of golf or something like a normal retired wasp. Get yourself out of the tranny defending business. 

You Know Why Young People Don't Vote? Part 2

 

Pretty much sums it up. The video is from a pretty good site for young, politically minded people, voteourfuture.com, the problem is, most young people I know now and knew in college are going to watch this and just nod their heads at the cynnical messages, mainly because they're all true.

This sadly isn't going to get anyone to vote, isn't going to spur any change, it's just going to reaffirm every young voter/non-voter's position that their vote doesn't matter. When I was an dumb, idealistic kid in college I never understood that thought, didn't make sense. Of course your vote doesn't count if you don't actually go out and vote I remember saying. But now I get it. I still vote, but I don't disparage anyone that doesn't. I've come to grips with the fact that the only thing my vote is swaying is maybe a city council race or an Alderman election here or there...you know, real important shit. When it comes to real elections that matter I'm more than aware that those decisions are usually already swung by the time I vote, my single vote just can't compete against the Soros', Koch Brothers, and the talking heads of the CNN's and FOX News's of the world. The system is rigged. The best that can come of it is cynnical and somewhat humorous special interest group commercials and a free day off from school for kids if their school is their districts voting location.

Have You Watched the New American Horror Story

No? Well just as a teaser, this is what you missed, meet Pepper:

Attractive, right?

Brit Scientists Make Gasoline out of Thin Air

Fox News - Genius Brit engineers have pioneered a new technology that produces petrol – from air. Experts hailed the breakthrough as a potential “game-changer” as scientists seek to solve the world’s energy crisis. The small company from the north England has developed “air capture” technology which creates synthetic petrol with only air and electricity. Company chiefs say they have produced five litres of petrol in less than three months at a small refinery in Stockton-on-Tees, Teesside by removing carbon dioxide from the atmosphere...They now hope to build a large plant generating more than a tonne of petrol per day within two years – and a refinery size operation within the next 15 years.

Welp, Britain just won the world folks. Romney, Obama, thanks for coming out but you guys might as well flip a coin at this point, the British empire is about to rule us all...as long as this is real at least.

Like how isn't this bigger news? The Britains are now literally capable of making gasoline out of thin air, folks! That's a huge deal if its true. Shouldn't be buried beneath democrat/republican pissing contests and cute cat videos of the day. The only logical explanation as to why this isn't the single biggest story in the world is that it's simply not true. Either that or it's not as simple as it sounds, like it's not just air and electricity, it's something like air, electricity, and the blood of a couple's first born. Something crazy is going on here.

You Know Why Young People Don't Vote? We Still Register like it's 1942

Voter Registration Info:

How can I register to vote?

By Mail: The Massachusetts Mail-In Voter Registration Form can be used to register to vote in Massachusetts, to update registration information due to a change of name, make a change of address, or to register with a political party. Note:  After filling out this form, you must print it, sign it and send it to your local election official.
Download the Forms:

• Massachusetts Mail-in Voter Registration form (PDF) – English
• Formulario de inscripción de votante por correo oficial de Massachusetts (PDF) – Spanish
• 麻州官方 選民郵寄登記表 (PDF) – Chinese

For registering to vote in other states, please use the National Voter Registration Form.
You can also request a form be mailed to you by going to: Online Voter Registration Form Request or by calling 617-727-2828 or 1-800-462-VOTE.
In Person: Go to any registration location and complete an affidavit of registration, which must be answered truthfully under the penalty of perjury. The questions on the affidavit will include your name, residence and date of birth.
At the Registry of Motor Vehicles: Keep your motor voter receipt until you receive confirmation from your local election official. If you do not receive any confirmation, please contact your local election office to verify your voting status.
Mail the completed form to your local city or town hall. You should receive a confirmation notice in 2 to 3 weeks. If you do not receive a confirmation notice, or wish to confirm your voter registration status, please contact your local City or Town Clerk to verify your voting status. 

....

For real, that's how you register to vote in 2012. So there I am Wednesday minding my business, when I'm suddenly reminded it's my last chance to register to vote (or in my case to switch my address). Fuck. I now have two options...First: Just go vote at my old address, it's not like you have to show valid ID and it's usually a bunch of white hairs checking off names, I'm sure I can get away with it. Or Second, I could go through with any of the above AWFUL steps.

Look at those options...By Mail. You've got to be kidding me.

In Person- No thanks. Government buildings are filled with the WORST kind of people. Criminals, conspiracy theorists, people complaining about noise ordinances on their neighbors, just general pain in the ass people that I have no intention of standing next to, even if it is just to register to vote. You know who stands in line to register to vote now-a-days? Old people with all the time in the world before they have to get to the early bird dinner special at 5:30, and presumable nutbags who are afraid of the mail because they don't want the government tracking what they're doing.

And Finally, at the Registry of Motor Vehicles - The registry of motor vehicles makes waiting in town hall seem like a vacation. Every where you look you've got convicted felons just trying to get their license back, and other soon to be convicted felons just checking if they have any warrants out on them. It's bad enough running down there for something license related, you're outside your mind if I'm going to go down there and tell them I'm here to register to vote.

So I went with mailing it in. And here I am, apparently waiting 2-3 weeks for confirmation...Which is absurd. I printed the form offline, only to fill it out with pen, run around all day looking for a stamp because people my age don't use stamps, answering questions about why on earth I'd need a stamp, and finally mailing it in at a post office box, but checking that the mail actually went down, like 4 times, because for some reason out of all the life lessons learned as a child, needing to check that the mail went down struck the most fear in me. Looking both ways before I cross the street, running in the parking lot, don't touch that it's hot, all those pale in comparison to checking to make sure my mail went down into the mail box.  I check that thing a minimum of 3-4 times, just in case it went down the first time and was being all sneaky and jumped back to the top when it thought I was gone. That's not going to happen, not on my watch. And all that could have been avoided if that original form I printed from online, was an actual form I could just fill out and hit send. It's that simple.

So there you go. Looking for a reason why young people consistently have the lowest voter turn out? Look no further than the options for registering. I guarantee if you could register online, or via twitter, you'd see historic turnout. And don't come back to me about fraud and security...A tweet is just as safe as some old lady checking names off a registration roll that she can barely read without anyone having to prove any identification.