Man Punts Cat 15 Feet, Gets Arrested...Should Also Get NFL Tryout

Chicago Sun-Times - Police charged a South Side man with animal cruelty after officers say they watched him take a running start and kick his kitten 15 feet before raising his arms to signal a field goal... The officers immediately arrested a laughing Percy Love, 22, after he allegedly kicked the small black cat Monday afternoon in the 6200 block of South Campbell, police said. He told officers: “This is my cat, Nightmare. He is tough, we play like that all the time. It’s just a cat,” police said. Officers cared for the cat until Animal Care and Control workers took custody. Animal Care and Control Director Cherie Travis said on her Facebook page that, “Despite the terrible abuse, the cat . . . is doing quite well. He’s in medical today getting an exam and X-rays. He is a very friendly and affectionate cat.”

Heinous animal cruelty aside (I don't even like cats, but that aint right), this kid's getting a tryout, right? I mean kicking a cat 15 feet seems like a fair accomplishment to me. Kid may be dumb as rocks and sounds like he's got the logistics of a punt and field goal confused, but if this kid can drop kick a cat 15 feet, I'd assume he'd have no problem coming out and coffin kicking some punts in the NFL...I mean 15 feet! That's a lot. I'd imagine it's hard to center and find the sweet spot on a cat for the kick, not to mention that they're not exactly proportional or inflated like a football. I think if you extrapolate that punt you've got something like a 45-50 yarder. Not bad. Certainly worth a look for a tryout at least...and if he sucks then you let the squad get one clean roughing the kicker hit in there...so he can get the experience from the cat's side for once. 

Photos Of ASU Baby Doing Keg Stand...Bad Parenting or Great Parenting?

Fox News - Arizona State University police are trying to determine whether a photo that appears to show a baby being held up by an adult for a keg stand is child abuse or an inappropriate photo opportunity. It's not clear if the child was actually drinking beer, but you can clearly see the nozzle in his mouth. Onlookers snapped photos as an adult held the child up for a "keg stand," where a person is held upside down and drinks as much beer as he can, MyFoxPhoenix.com reported...An ASU student reportedly disgusted about the circumstances apparently took a photo and submitted it to the website TheDirty.com. "I just don't see the joke in it at all," Nik Richie, the website's creator, told MyFoxPhoenix.com. "People are really looking at this saying, even if it was a joke, it is just poor taste and it is terrible parenting."


I like how the creator of a website who's sole purpose is to report private dirt on people's personal lives and profit off of it, is morally opposed to this HILARIOUS photo opp. Give me a break you squid.

Terrible parenting? That kid right there is a legacy. He's going to go to ASU in 16 years, and he's going to slay co-ed undergrads as the kid that's been doing keg stands at ASU since he was literally still in his huggies. Terrible Parenting? No. Great parenting. Parents always want whats best for their kid, well how about ensuring your kid walks on as Big Man On Campus from day 1. That's the best kind of parenting.

PS: I love how there's even a question of whether or not the kid actually drank the beer? Are we serious? It's just like when Jeremy Schapp asked Gronk if people really were spiking their kids in an act of Gronking...Gronk, straight these folks out:

Is this the Face of a Women Who Received a Fecal Transplant from her Mom?

(CNN) -- After surviving a near-fatal car accident, Kaitlin Hunter found herself battling a devastating bacterial infection in her colon that also threatened her life...But "right when I got off the plane, I went to the hospital. I was having extremely bad stomach pain. A month later, we found out it was C. diff," Hunter said, using the abbreviation for the bacteria clostridium difficile...In spite of the antibiotics -- or possibly because of them -- C. diff infected her colon, causing severe stomach pain, diarrhea and vomiting...Increasingly, doctors are taking a different approach. Instead of continued assaults on bacteria, "fecal matter transplants" recolonize the colon with new bacteria from a healthy donor. "This is brand-new for most gastroenterologists," said Dr. Suku George, Hunter's treating physician. "We are very excited about this."..Hunter's mother "donated" one of her stools for the procedure. Next, the hospital lab carefully diluted it, and George pumped the foreign fecal matter right into Hunter's colon. The result ended Hunter's struggle with C. diff.

I don't know...I'm just shaking my head here with a cringe on my face...I don't think I could do it. I think I'd rather just deal with the tummy aches and cases of the shits and hope that the antibiotics took care of it at some point.

I mean, there's a reason "this is a brand-new" treatment...It's that most people are probably opposed to having someones SHIT pushed back up in their colon...that's typically a one way street my friend.

Not to mention the extremely awkward conversation with family members before, and after:

Before: "Mom, my stomach has been hurting real bad and I've had the squirts since June, I know this is weird, but can I have a cup of your poop? I'm going to have a doctor inject it up my ass, which will then cure my diarrhea...

*Quick Aside Here: I knew a kid in like, the third grade...nice Asian kid...He told me that one time he had a case of the farts so bad and it just wouldn't stop...you know what he told me he did? Stuck the leafy end of celery up there. Now, even as an impressionable third grader, I knew that was probably bogus...But even THAT seems more plausible than turkey basting my colon with someones shit. Ok, back to the dialogue. 


After: (family members coming to visit you in the hospital): "We're so glad you're feeling better, what did it, what turned it around for you?"

Patient: "Oh, well, my mom, she donated one of her logs to me and it saved my life."

Family: "Ok, well we just came by for a quick visit, we really have to be going, but so glad to see you're doing better..."

Mitt Romney & Paul Ryan Pep Rally: "Oh Sweet Jesus"

"Oh Sweet Jesus."

 Mitt, let's talk. You're not cut out for this. You never were. You've been campaigning for like, a decade, and not once have you gotten the call, and that's not changing this year either. Trust me. We all want a change, but you're not it. You're boring, you're a boring Morman. Your speeches are boring, your hair, that somehow has maintained the same color and shape over the last 10 years, is boring. You're not igniting anything, you're putting a damper on it. That's what you are...a political wet blanket...in fact that's what we're going to nickname you. Just use this clip as an example. A crowd was legitimately more excited for your running mate, you tried to change the tide, and crickets...The Wet Blanket did it again. You're such a wet blanket that I'd bet you could walk on stage sans trousers to your next pep rally, and it wouldn't be a scandal. All everyone would want to talk about his how boring your tighty-whiteys were. That's you in a nutshell Mitt. The Wet Blanket of the GOP...Putting out fires and dampening excitement wherever your magical hair takes you.

RIP NFL Replacement Ref's

Kinda sad actually, I mean don't get me wrong, I'm glad as fuck that these guys are gone and the Patriots can resume stomping non-referee aided opponents, that part is awesome...But the real shame of it is I feel like we were finally just turning the corner from horrible Ed Hochuli jokes to half decent parodies and rants like this video. So close to comedy perfection, and now that's been yanked out from under us too. Fucking NFL, they can't get anything right these days.

Tennessee Frat Suspended after New Pledges Found Butt Chugging

CNN - Knoxville, Tennessee (CNN) -- Twelve students at the University of Tennessee have been cited for underage drinking, one for disorderly conduct, and a chapter of the Pi Kappa Alpha fraternity suspended after a weekend incident involving alcohol enemas in which one student was hospitalized..."Upon extensive questioning, it is believed that members of the fraternity were using rubber tubing inserted into their rectums as a conduit for alcohol as the abundance of capillaries and blood vessels present greatly heightens the level and speed of the alcohol entering the bloodstream as it bypasses the filtering by the liver."

This is honestly what I've never understood about Frats...How bad at making friends do you have to be to need to join one of these things? Like honestly? Are you that much of a loser that the only chance in the next 4+ years of you finding a few friends to share an off-campus apartment with involves taking a bottle of Rubinoff Vodka up your ass through a rubber hose? Really? And I do realize that not all Frat's are this way, but the stereotype does exist for a reason...Chances are the frat is a bunch of upperclassmen who were losers four years ago and couldn't make friends on their own, now they're in charge of the frat, have the power, have a few friends and are picking on the younger losers just the same as they were a few years back. It makes no sense.

You know how you make friends in college? Hang out with your roommate and people in  your hallway, get a feel for who you get along with and share interests with, get drunk and do something funny yet stupid that you can all talk about the next day in the cafe, and then do the same thing the next weekend. Boom. Problem solved. And you didn't even have to insert anything in your anus. Win-Win.

Bill Maher and Pelosi's Daughter: #LoLTheSouth, A Documentary

Honestly starting to think that winning the Civil War was a huge mistake. And tossing "God back in the drivers seat of the economy?" Probably not the best idea...just judging by the economies of some of God's other strongholds.

Just Some Dude Enjoying the Hell Out of Dave Matthews and the Life Is Good Festival

Straight Jonesing!

I laugh, but I'm honestly jealous. I wish I loved anything as much as this guy apparently loves Ants Marching. Tripping Billies indeed.

 And just in case you can't make it out, that is a throw back Phillies jersey paired with a braided goatee. Boss look.


PS: My drunk Dave Matthews singing voice is fire, don't be fooled into thinking otherwise.

The Alt-Tab Would Like to Officially Welcome Back Professional NFL Referees

I'll be honest, I just woke up, checked out espn.com, and was shocked, SHOCKED, that I didn't see a headline saying Goodell and the Ref's reached an agreement over night. Because that clusterfuck right there, is just an absolute debacle.

The only thing, and I mean the Oonnly thing, that could possible explain that call is that the ref legitimately thought the Packers were the receiving team. That's it. No other explanation. He forgot which team was on offense, saw the Packers had come down with the ball, assumed he was the receiver and signaled for a touchdown. Probably went under the hood for the review, realized his mistake, but couldn't bear to be the biggest goose in NFL history so he just stuck with his guns, fucking guy. Don't bother trying to tell me otherwise, you can't seriously expect me to believe that a seemingly perfectly sane looking man, watching that replay, could come out with a stone face and tell me Seattle caught the ball for a touchdown. No way in hell.

So there's your explanation. The replacement ref's are so bad that they actually forgot which team was offense and which team was defense during the last play of Monday Night Football.