Dez Bryant's Moms 911 Call is Exactly As Hoodrat as You'd Think It Was

Honestly, that kinda answers one of my bigger 911 questions, how the hell do the operators deal with all the varying degrees of english people speak in this country? Like if this was me, wouldn't have gotten a word out of Dez Bryans momma. Just a bunch of unrecognizeable partial sentences from a woman who was barely paying any attention to the call.

But this guy? Handled it like a pro, even talked just like her, probably to make her feel comfortable. Like the "Where he at?" line...undeniably the first time a 911 operator has said "where he at?" Makes me wonder if they teach the operator to speak like the victim or if they just got specially assigned operators based on the area code you call from.  Like "oh, this ones coming from the Ghetto, Tyrone, you're up." 

And honestly, was she not the most annoying 911 caller of all time? I'm fairly surprised this dude didn't flip and yell something like "BITCH YOU CALLED ME!," and then hung up.


PS: Dez Bryant's license plate being "Bailme" is the height of irony.

Is It Wrong To Yell Mashed Potatoes During A Company Softball Game

Because we hit some whoppers last night. My gut says I shouldn't, I mean, it's mixed co-ed softball with a bunch of cube-monkeys of varying degrees of athletic skill (very varying)...But at the same time, if you're 20 something guy, you've got to get the reference, no? Like if you bristle instead of chuckling after a solid "mashed potatoes" call I feel like you're probably just an absolute dick. Actually, yeah, screw it, I'm going for it next game.

Everyone Take 3 Minutes Out of Your Day to Send Pitbull To A Walmart in Canada

Make Sure This Happens, People

CNN - Thousands of Internet jokesters are on the cusp of sending Miami recording artist Pitbull to a far-flung land of grizzlies, salmon and crab. Pitbull, in a promotion by Walmart and Energy Sheets tongue strips, agreed to visit the U.S. Walmart store that receives the most “likes” on its local Facebook page in a 28-day period that ends July 15. As of Tuesday afternoon, the leader was a Walmart in Kodiak, Alaska, with more than 48,500 likes - roughly eight times its population of about 6,000 people - Walmart spokeswoman Sarah Spencer said Tuesday....Pitbull was on tour in Munich, Germany, on Tuesday and wasn’t immediately available for comment, his publicist said. But on Twitter, Pitbull was having fun with the Kodiak idea. “I hear there's bear repellant at Kodiak, Alaska,” Pitbull tweeted Saturday. On Sunday, he tweeted, “Picture me with a Kodiak…Ha!” - an homage to a “Give Me Everything” lyric “take a picture of me with a Kodak.”

Oohhhh-hoooo Pitbull...I can picture you with a Kodiak, it's fantastic, mauling you so we never have to hear your cheesy hits ever again. It's a wonderful thought, actually.

People, make this happen. Takes 2 minutes, jump on Facebook (which you've probably already got open anyway) and Like the Kodiak Alaska Walmart page.  It's that simple...while you're there if you wanted to like The Alt-Tab Fan page, do that too. We're not sending Pitbull or any other annoying celebrities anywhere, Liking us would strictly be for my own self-esteem.

Canadian BBQ Chip Bandits Busted in Most Unintentionally Funny News Story Ever

Look, I know no one ever watches a whole video...WATCH THIS WHOLE VIDEO. In the event that you can't because your office frowns on that kind of thing, here's the link to the story, and a few excerpts below, but frankly, you're missing out on the best part, as the last 30 seconds or so aren't included in the story.

"These were very specific, and hard-to-obtain, barbecue chips." That's how police in Saanich, Victoria, British Columbia, described a bag of potato chips stolen by two drunk university students from a garage in a crime that Vancouver Island's CTV spent more than three minutes soberly reporting last month..."The students were wrapping up a night of drinking," CTV anchor Hudson Mack says in a serious tone, "when they were overcome by a certain craving—the kind that hits late and hits hard." According to CTV, the quiet neighborhood where the so-called "BBQ bandits" struck is filled with people who like chips—potato, lime, taco and cheese-flavored—but nothing like Zellers' barbecue-flavored chips, available for a limited time from the Canadian discount chain...A woman, alone in her home, was woken by a growling chihuahua, Saanich police said. She then heard the female students in her garage and immediately called police, who arrested the potato-chip perpetrators nearby..."It appears that the effervescent chip package in the open garage appeared too yummy to pass up," Saanich Police Sgt. Dean Jantzen said at a press conference to address the BBQ chip burglary. "I haven't tried these for myself," Jantzen added, "but my understanding is that particular brand of barbecue is quite tasty.".."These are first time chip offenders."

Hilarious, right? Like if I wasn't on the fence about whether or not this news station was trolling everyone I'd give this the "Most Canada Story of All Time" title. It's all there, an entire neighborhood of chip lovers, a special, holy grail-like brand of chips, two drunk university students causing a ruckus stealing people's chips...and then comes the last 30 seconds of the video...

After seeming to acknowledge that the story was ludicrous and they were just having fun, the get all serious and talk to their fellow Canadians about the importance of having a HOME PHONE...A land line people. Canadian newscasters, in 2012, on-air lecturing about the importance of having a land line, specifically in your bedroom, because in this case, the woman had to tip-toe to her living room to get the phone and call the police, less the drunk chip scavengers out in her garage hear her and ask her for some green onion dip to go with the chips.

It's outrageous, and they say the whole thing with completely straight faces, telling us that the landlines are important because they're more safe than cell phones...Absolutely hilarious, well done, Canada.

Millions Worth of Old Baseball Cards Found in an Old Attic

How come this shit can never happens to me? Every time I go digging around in an attic or a basement I find Bat Turd, and a bunch of junk...Hilariously dated clothes, old Pogs, my brothers stupid pet Tamagotchi that I told him was stupid at the time but he didn't believe me but I bet he does now that I've told everyone on the internet that he at one point owned a Tamagotchi...But never millions of dollars worth of baseball cards. That has literally never happened to me.

Which is why I'm writing this now...for my future grandkids...Guys...go up to the old attic, locate the GIGANTIC green Rubbermade tub, open it, GO NUTS. I've got everything in there. Rookie cards from all our favorite juicers who may or may not ever make the hall of fame as a result. There's a Jacoby Ellsbury card signed with a piece of his jersey inserted in it, so if by chance he ever hits the field again that'll be worth something. There's even a shitload of basketball cards, like Kenny Anderson rookies, and a very shiny Scottie Pippen insert...it's all there, and it's way more than 700 cards, so you'll for sure get more than $3 MM, even if I don't have a Christy Matthewson and Honus Wagner.

The First Web Photo Ever Turns 20 Next Week

And I didn't even make that up. That's it, if that wasn't a surer sign of what was to come for the internet, I don't know what was. A bunch of scientists who, literally, invented the internet, decided the first picture they'd upload was a picture of a comedy band based at their very own CERN Laboratory.

Unreal...though I guess I'm more or less shocked that it wasn't someones kitten or a half naked broad, seeing as how that's what half the web has become.

Gov. Christie Goes All Jersey Shore on his Constituents

TMZ - Things got downright HOSTILE on the Jersey Shore last night -- with NJ Governor Chris Christie getting into a heated verbal altercation right on the boardwalk ... and it was all caught on tape...Christie got PISSED -- and while clutching his cone, shouted back at the guy, "You're a real big shot ... you're a real big shot shootin' your mouth off." The man shouted back, "Nah, just take care of the teachers!" The comment only inflamed Christie ... who aggressively marched towards the guy and warned, "Keep walkin' away ... really good ... keep walkin'."

What? You thought Chris Christie, one of the biggest Republican personalities (and probably the biggest Republican by volume), was going to be outdone by a couple of shoe throwing, gun wielding Jordanian political candidates? Please. Chris Christie is so Jersey Shore I can't even take it. GTL for life (in his case, Governing, Talking Shit, and Lap-band Surgery...seriously, do it. We can't afford to lose you and your blustery bravado).

Death of an Email Chain Legend

It finally happened...The daily e-mail chain that I've relied on to get through the last few years of work came to a screeching end this week.  Long time contributor (and a guy who's contributions around this blog attributed to, like, 3 posts) the Maestro up and quit his old job, which was apparently a joke, and got some new hot shot job where, amongst other things, he's worried about making a good impression and doing work related things that don't include tweeting and emailing his friends all day long. Suffice to say, I just don't get it.

In honor of one of the great work email chain era's of all time I thought I'd share with you his hilarious out of office message he left from his old work on his last day (I've blanked out the actual contact info):

From: The Maestro
Sent: Thursday, June 28, 2012 3:19 PM
To: CW
Subject: Out of Office:

Hi Friends-

As you may have realized, I've basically been using this as my personal email for the past year or two, but now I officially no longer work at (Workplace he hated omitted), and don't know when they're gonna shut this off. 

You can reach me at my personal email at (xxxxxxxxxxxxx).  In the unlikely event that its work related, please contact (xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx)  in my absence.

Thanks,

Maestro

Cracked me up. Works on so many levels. One last laugh for us on the email chain when we received it, one gigantic FU to his former workplace (those two lines, "I've basically been using this as my personal email," and "In the unlikely event that this is work related," are absolute classics). Brilliant.

But needless to say, I'm having a hard time adjusting, and frankly, I have no idea where to send humorous or interesting tidbits and links throughout the day. Like just yesterday I found a hilarious column I thought he'd enjoy, didn't know where to send it. Sent it to his personal address knowing that he presumably wouldn't see if for hours and wouldn't comment back. It was depressing. I think Red in The Shawshank Redemption summed up my lament best:

 "Sometimes it makes me sad, though... Andy being gone. I have to remind myself that some birds aren't meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up DOES rejoice. But still, the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they're gone. I guess I just miss my friend"

Here's to the Maestro, a once great work e-mail contributor.

Detroit Reporter Golfs Across the City

Fox - Fox 2 reporter Charlie LeDuff took on the challenge to golf from 8 Mile Road to Belle Isle in Detroit -- literally. The journalist embarked on the 3,168 par course, carrying only four clubs and golfed his way, stroke by stroke, through the entire length of the Motor City. LeDuff's 'tournament' was called the I Love the D Invitational. Along the way he encountered various residents of the city and talked to them about local politics, laws, and the ways they think the city can improve.

You know what I'm betting they think they can improve? Not having a city so abandoned and worthless that some reporter can just go hacking his way across the town with a 3 Wood and a couple of wedges.

Seriously, think about that for a second. One time when I was like, 12,13 or so, right when the Tiger Woods rage was just heating up, before he'd probably even dreamed that his golf fame could lead him to countless three ways with high class escorts and B-List Porn stars, I tried this trick in my parents front yard.

I'd just watched one of the majors, either the Masters or The US Open  I believe, and I'd become enthralled by the tight tree lined fairways, I thought it'd be so cool to smash a drive down a similar view. So I did what any impressionable kid would do...I took my driver and tee'd up a ball in my front yard aiming square down the street (which happens to be lined with trees) and imagined it was the fairway at August instead of a paved road, with the houses obviously just being members of the gallery.

Well I smacked that thing...unfortunately I had a pretty bad slice back in those days, instead of flying straight down the hallway into the empty lot at the end of the street it flew straight for about 30 yards, veered right, I heard a knocking sound and sprinted into my garage...didn't play on the front lawn again for another week or so just in case.

But I guess in Detroit this is just kinda common place. Better to have your house hit with an errant Titlist than a bullet.