Does The Alt-Tab Need to Host a College Bowl Game?

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Serious question, can I just host a bowl game? It can't be more than filling out a few forms and picking up a couple additional sponsors, right? I mean the hardest part must be finding two teams that have got nothing going on this holiday season, because everyone, and I mean everyone, gets a bowl invite these days. It's like Tee-Ball when you're 5 or 6 years old now, every kid ends up with a trophy at the end of the season (even though as a 6 year old I could count and we clearly fucking won that game, I'm not bitter or anything). To be frank, if you're in the crowd for the Gilden New Mexico game sporting Temple v. Wyoming, and you're n ot the parent of some kid in the game, you seriously need to re-evaluate your life choices.  

But back to my first question, can anyone just host one these things? Like if I go down to say Everett town hall today, acquire the necessary permits to use their football stadium for the day, could I go out and get a couple of teams? Maybe pit two local schools against each other, like North Shore Community College against Bunker Hill? Or maybe two schools with defunct football programs, like Northeastern v. UMass Lowell? The schools could hold try outs, grab a playbook off line, and hold a few practices before their December 28th show down? 

This may sound like a pipe dream, and it may be a little too late to do it this year, but I'm going to seriously consider running this next year. I mean, its high time The Alt-Tab took its place along side legendary Bowl sponsors like the SD County Credit Union and the Famous Idaho Potato's. Borderline embarrassing that the NCAA hasn't approached me yet.

Larry King Announces He'd Like to Be Frozen at the Weirdest Dinner Party Ever.

(CNN) -- "I want to be frozen on the hope that they'll find whatever I died of and bring me back," Larry King told a shocked group of dinner guests gathered at his Beverly Hills home for a party hosted by him and his wife, Shawn. "CNN Presents: A Larry King Special: Dinner with the Kings" airs at 8 p.m. ET Sunday. No topic was off-limits when Conan O'Brien, Tyra Banks, Shaquille O'Neal, Seth MacFarlane, Jack Dorsey, Quincy Jones and Russell Brand discussed friendship, insecurities, success, worries, life, death and nearly everything in between. MacFarlane asked the CNN host whether he was "maybe a little obsessed with your own mortality, like I am?" "Oh, I fear death," King told the "Family Guy" creator. "My biggest fear is death, because I don't think I'm going anywhere. And since I don't think that, and I don't have a belief ... I'm married to someone who has the belief, so she knows she's going somewhere."

Weirdest fucking dinner party ever. Shaq, Tyra, Conan, Seth MacFarlane, Russell Brand, and Larry King all walk into a bar...make up your own joke from there...I'm genuinely interested in knowing what small talk Tyra Banks and Seth MacFarlane could have possibly shared, outside of comparisons of both of their ginormous foreheads.

But on to the main topic here, Larry King fearing death and wanting to be frozen so he could later be brought back to life...Hey Larry, I think the evidence is pretty clear here, death fears you,  not the other way around.  In a year where heavy weights like Andy Rooney, Heavy D, and the guy who invented the Family Circus cartoon all died, and your corpse is still ticking, I'd say we have pretty good proof that you're Unbreakable. You're like the real life Montgomery Burns, living of the blood off young children, sleeping during the day to avoid sunlight, shit like that.

Further more, if you took a poll of people under the age of 25, I'm willing to bet most of them would assume you'd already been frozen and thawed out once before. You're that freaking old. It wouldn't be hard to believe that we froze you for a few years back in say, 1995, and just thawed you out like 4 years ago. Hell, I'm talking myself into it right now, and I know it's not true.

Juvenile's "Back that Azz Up" Holds Up Really Well to the Test of Time

You can admit it, you got pretty excited when you heard those first few notes kick in, that familiar "awww yeaahhhh" feeling crept over you, maybe you hunched your shoulders forward, bent your knees ever so slightly, and got your crip walk on, or maybe that part was just me...But I'll guarantee you this, you didn't feel disappointed, and that's amazing. 

Now think about this, Back that Azz up is 13 years old! It's almost as old as 'tween sensation Lil Wayne was when he invented the phrase drop it like its hot, on this song as a 16 year old. That's how old this song is, it invented drop it like its hot. Snoop has lived off that phrase for the better part of a decade now, shit is amazing.  

I could never have imagined as a high school freshmen, that this band of hooligans, led by Mannie Fresh, Juvenile, and then "hot boy" lil wayne would revolutionize the rap game, but that's exactly what they did. Like yesterday, I heard this song on the radio and straight up got my swerve on in the car. Doing all the "white guy listening to rap" moves.  The weird hand signals, bobbing my head a little faster than the beat, reclined in the driver seat just a little bit (but remembered to adjust my mirrors, safety first folks), and just annihilated this song. If a song doesn't die from me creeping all over it on my way to pick up Texas Roadhouse To-Go, you know its got legs. Just an absolutely legendary song.


PS: what the hell ever happened to Juvenile and his ridiculous fronts?

The Greatest Cat Fight of All Time; Blake Lively V. Scarlett Johansson...Please, Get it On!

Fox News - It looks like an A-list cat fight has broken out between Scarlett Johansson and Blake Lively–and it’s all over Johansson’s hottie ex-husband, Ryan Reynolds. “Scarlett is pissed that he’s not under her spell anymore,” a source snitched to Us Weekly. “She realized what a great catch Ryan was.”

First of all, let me just say this, Ryan Reynolds is the LUCKIEST guy with a set of abs on earth. Let's just be clear about that. These two girls aren't after him for his acting chops, I like the guy, but he's no DiCaprio or anything, I mean he starred in Just Friends and Waiting, back to back.  This is a purely carnal thing, and good for him.

  Next up, can we just proclaim right here and now that this is absolutely the hottest girl fight of all time? I honestly feel they both owe the public a debt of gratitude and should put on an actual cat fight, no holds barred, on pay per view. I'm going to go out on a limb and say I could find 5-10 friends who'd be willing to chip in for the $1,000 viewing fee it would surely command. I think even a purist boxing fan would take Blake v. ScarJo over Pacquiao - Mayweather, that's how historic this fight would be. Come on ladies, make this happen.

Happy Fricken Friday

If anyone sees a news report tonight about a middle manager losing his shit at work today, just assume I pulled of a similar stunt to this. Yea, it's been that kind of week. And the blog has suffered as a result. I hate when my real life gets in the way of my blog life. Its the worst...Until Monday folks. 

PS: Anyone disappointed in the blogs output this week leave a comment or a rant and I'll see if I can pass it on to my boss as proof that I've been ridden too hard.

The 7 Levels of Office Misery...How Bad Was Your Day at the Office?

Ever had a terrible day at the office? Of course you have. Ever had annoying discussions with your friends, trying to one up each other over who had the worse day at their soul sucking job, only never had a scale or measure to help you scientifically plot just how miserable your life was for the last 8-12 hours? 

Well problem solved! Introducing, for the first time ever, The Alt-Tab's 7 Levels of Office Misery, a completely accurate arbitrary way to chart just how bad your day's going.  Enjoy (Read the rest of the guidelines and blog after the picture, I promise it'll be worth it).

There's really only one rule to follow when applying the 7 Levels of Misery to your work day: You do not qualify if your misery is of your own doing.  If you fucked up a V-Lookup while analyzing stocks in Excel and caused a regime overthrow in a bloody coup in the third world country you were investing in, that's your own problem. If you arrived at work so hungover that you're seeking out the isolated bathroom on the abandoned floor to puke your brains out in privacy, you don't count. If you're a hooker and you just got the results of your pap-smear back, you do not count. The misery of your day has to be completely out of your hands, it's the only rule.

Level 1 - You Were Called into Work Early - Just throws your whole day off. Your sleep schedule? Ruined. Eating Schedule? Shot. Getting weird cravings for after lunch snacks at 10 AM because you've been up since 5 is just a weird place to be. And forget about your bowel movements. My private, 8:00 AM shit at home just became a public 10:30 shit in the middle stall with two co-workers playing Battleshits to my left and right.

Level 2 - Skipping Lunch to Eat at Your Desk - The one civil liberty held over from the days of Elementary school right up through College, The Lunch Break, gone. Even prisons have lunch breaks, think about that. Working your way through lunch is the surest sign that your day, only 3-4 hours old, is not going well, and is an ominous sign of things to come.

Level 3 - Badgered to the Point of Actively Scouring Monster.com in Your Cube - Everyone hits this once in a while, your boss has been riding you, your clients have been calling you with questions on everything from the meaning of life to the most efficient way to use a 3 hole puncher, and you just give up. You day dream for a couple hours of hire salary and a bigger cube on Monster (I was going to say The Ladders, but lets be realistic, no one reading this blog is a Ladders quality employee).

Level 4 - Taking Relaxation Tips from Will Smith - Watch out, shit's starting to get weird. You've hit that point where you just do not give a damn about those around you. Sure maybe the first time you let out a "WOOOOSSSAAAA," but maybe the next time you just let out a "What the Fuck," and the next thing you know you're muttering under the breath when your phone rings for the 20th time in the last 3 hours, and then who knows, maybe you attempt to put the phone on mute so you can swear up and down that the person on the other end is the dumbest fuck alive, only to realize you didn't quite hit the mute button hard enough...This is the stage where your fellow cube workers pop over to say things like "Rough day huh," and "been there," or my least favorite of all time, "could be worse." Just  know that at that precise moment, I hate you. We may be friends, but I don't need your words of encouragement at this point in time, what I need is for you to GET THE HELL OUT OF MY FACE!

Level 5 - Piss Nirvana- It's that moment when you realize you've been holding it since 10:30 AM, it's now 5:00 PM and for the first time today you're not pouring over a spreadsheet or on some pointless conference call. You're finally free. You hit that bathroom and you'd swear up and down to anyone that there was a faint, halo like glow around that urinal. It feels good...actually it feels great. Of course a standard piss is like 45 seconds at most. You'll be back to work in no time, and this holy, out of body piss break that you're taking? Well you're really just spilling urine into a porcelain receptacle and standing in other people's pee splatter. It's sad, the things you find yourself grateful for when your will to live has been broken.

Level 6 - Playing the Lottery as Your Last Hope - You've moved right on past looking for new jobs and are just grasping at straws. Your day was so bad that you've come to the conclusion that no job, no matter what the pay, no matter what the perks, is worth having. You're playing birthdays, childhood addresses, and Tim Tebow's passing stats from last Sunday. Just throwing up hallelujahs...Side note, this can't be a "hey just throw in a quick pick" while you're already at the store, type thing. This has to be a, screw it, I'm going to White Hen specifically for a quick pick for tonight's Powerball Drawing (I did this tonight). Only free, no strings attached money is saving you now. 

Level 7 - The Breaking Point - This is it, you're putting yourself out to pasture. You don't have a job lined up, and no prospects on the horizon, but you've decided living in a tent like one of those #occupy vagabonds is a better life than drawing a bi-weekly paycheck at the expense of your sanity, your soul, and your liver (due to the undeniable drinking problem you've acquired along the way). Homelessness is now a more attractive option to you than fluorescent lights and the same stories you've heard from your co-workers for years on end. Congrats cruel world, you've won.

PBR IS NOT JUST FOR HIPSTERS

Urban Dictionary - 1. Pabst Blue Ribbon is a lot like the band Bright Eyes, Hipsters love it, but everyone else thinks its liquid shit.

 

This shit pisses me off to no end, I'm so sick and tired of Hipsters claiming ownership of the Blue Ribbon, fuck you guys. You don't own PBR, everyone, and I mean everyone in my college used to slug PBR's on the weekends, cheaper than your big 3 (bud, miller, coors), but better tasting than your average swill (keystone and natty), it was the just right choice for a night of getting blitzed in the dorms, it was awesome.

Only problem now is whenever I order one at a bar or pickup a pack at the store I get these looks like, "wait, where's your official uniform? you're not wearing horned rimmed glasses, plaid, ratty canvas shoes, or some kind of ironic shirt/cardigan combo." No, I'm fucking not, how very observant of you. I'm buying this because I enjoy its taste and price combination, not buying it to be ironic, or make a statement about beers. I'm buying it because A) It won a blue ribbon, I don't see other beers celebrating any of their awards on the actual can, and B) It reminds me of getting shitfaced with my friends in college and doing things like mattress surfing down the hallways. 

I'm fairly certain if one Hipster saw me ordering a PBR that'd be it, the end of the whole scene, things would instantly go back to normal.  They'd see me all casual on the weekend in my Old Navy T-shirt, or maybe right after work in the outfit I grabbed from Kohls, and be like "oh shit, this isn't ironically cool anymore." That's all it'll take, one corporate middle manager, living out a dull, boring existence in his cube every day, ordering up one Pabst and the movement would be over.

Unfortunately, it may be a while before that happens because I have no idea where Hipsters go for their beverages...probably some abandoned underground laundromat that they've illegal converted into a Speakeasy or some shit...I'll tell you where I won't be seeing them, at TGI Fridays with the after work crowd grabbing a beer.

And PS: Don't even think of Occupying The High Life next...I've got that on my resume as well.

English Teacher at a Malden Charter School Previously Acted in Films Starring All Male Casts...Nude, All Male Casts

My Fox Boston - Kevin Hogan is an English teacher and crew coach at a top-rated Massachusetts public high school, but he brings some unusual experience to the job: until recently, he was starring in pornographic movies. Hogan has worked at the Mystic Valley Regional Charter School in Malden since September. In addition to his coaching and teaching duties, he also chairs the high school's English department. But he can also be found on the Internet and in adult entertainment stores under his screen name: Hytch Cawke. His movie credits include "Fetish World" and "Just Gone Gay 8," and FOX Undercover found his third movie, whose title is not fit to reveal in a family news outlet, in a local adult store. It features him answering an ad to have sex for money. "Hi, I'm Hytch and I just answered the ad and now I'm here to see what it's like to be with a guy," he says to the camera.

I used to think being an investigative reporter on a news show was probably one of the more awesome jobs you could get...Not anymore.  I'm not sure where in the job description it states "occasionally may be required to view hardcore gay porn in the newsroom," but it sounds like that's exactly what we've got going on here, and that's kind of where I draw the line.

Plus my journalistic accountability would be shot, I'm just not sure I'd be able to look a dude in the eye while interviewing him, if just 30 minutes before me, my camera man, and my producers just sat down with a pen and a notepad and watched this guy get pounded in the ass. It's hard to come back from that and look at a person the same. Maybe that just means I wouldn't cut it as a journalist, I don't know. 

PS: As always I'll ask, how did people find out about this? Some parent or fellow faculty member perusing their local Amazing's video section?

Kidnapper Who Paid His Hostages is Doing it All Wrong

Fox - Can there be no trust between a kidnapper and his hostages? A man who held a Kansas couple hostage in their home while fleeing from authorities is suing them, claiming that they broke an oral contract made when he promised them money in exchange for hiding him from police. The couple has asked a judge to dismiss the suit. "I, the defendant, asked the Rowleys to hide me because I feared for my life. I offered the Rowleys an unspecified amount of money which they agreed upon, therefore forging a legally binding oral contract," Dimmick said in his hand-written court documents. He wants $235,000, in part to pay for the hospital bills that resulted from him being shot by police when they arrested him.

Umm, hey bro, I think you're doing it wrong...YOU'RE THE KIDNAPPER! You don't pay your hostages, they pay you for their release, do you get it? You're like the worst criminal I've ever heard of...Who lambs it from a violent criminal charge, kidnaps a family, and then offers to pay them for their hospitality? What the fuck, did you confuse their house with a Motel 6? Come on guy. Your first clue should have been when Mr. Rowley didn't ask you for a tip for showing you to your room.

Yea, it would have been nice if the Rowley's held up their part of the bargain, frankly I find the lack of accountability and follow through in America these days appalling, but you've got to expect it at this point. It's par for the course. It's not like you got a receipt for the bill of services, or a contract or anything, this day in age you're just begging to be ripped off without those. We're not living in the golden age of kidnapping anymore, hostages just getting Stockholm Syndrome the second they set eyes on your and shit.  We're living in the age of CYA, cover your ass. Which as good advice as ever for you right now...have fun in prison.