The 7 Levels of Office Misery...How Bad Was Your Day at the Office?

Ever had a terrible day at the office? Of course you have. Ever had annoying discussions with your friends, trying to one up each other over who had the worse day at their soul sucking job, only never had a scale or measure to help you scientifically plot just how miserable your life was for the last 8-12 hours? 

Well problem solved! Introducing, for the first time ever, The Alt-Tab's 7 Levels of Office Misery, a completely accurate arbitrary way to chart just how bad your day's going.  Enjoy (Read the rest of the guidelines and blog after the picture, I promise it'll be worth it).

There's really only one rule to follow when applying the 7 Levels of Misery to your work day: You do not qualify if your misery is of your own doing.  If you fucked up a V-Lookup while analyzing stocks in Excel and caused a regime overthrow in a bloody coup in the third world country you were investing in, that's your own problem. If you arrived at work so hungover that you're seeking out the isolated bathroom on the abandoned floor to puke your brains out in privacy, you don't count. If you're a hooker and you just got the results of your pap-smear back, you do not count. The misery of your day has to be completely out of your hands, it's the only rule.

Level 1 - You Were Called into Work Early - Just throws your whole day off. Your sleep schedule? Ruined. Eating Schedule? Shot. Getting weird cravings for after lunch snacks at 10 AM because you've been up since 5 is just a weird place to be. And forget about your bowel movements. My private, 8:00 AM shit at home just became a public 10:30 shit in the middle stall with two co-workers playing Battleshits to my left and right.

Level 2 - Skipping Lunch to Eat at Your Desk - The one civil liberty held over from the days of Elementary school right up through College, The Lunch Break, gone. Even prisons have lunch breaks, think about that. Working your way through lunch is the surest sign that your day, only 3-4 hours old, is not going well, and is an ominous sign of things to come.

Level 3 - Badgered to the Point of Actively Scouring Monster.com in Your Cube - Everyone hits this once in a while, your boss has been riding you, your clients have been calling you with questions on everything from the meaning of life to the most efficient way to use a 3 hole puncher, and you just give up. You day dream for a couple hours of hire salary and a bigger cube on Monster (I was going to say The Ladders, but lets be realistic, no one reading this blog is a Ladders quality employee).

Level 4 - Taking Relaxation Tips from Will Smith - Watch out, shit's starting to get weird. You've hit that point where you just do not give a damn about those around you. Sure maybe the first time you let out a "WOOOOSSSAAAA," but maybe the next time you just let out a "What the Fuck," and the next thing you know you're muttering under the breath when your phone rings for the 20th time in the last 3 hours, and then who knows, maybe you attempt to put the phone on mute so you can swear up and down that the person on the other end is the dumbest fuck alive, only to realize you didn't quite hit the mute button hard enough...This is the stage where your fellow cube workers pop over to say things like "Rough day huh," and "been there," or my least favorite of all time, "could be worse." Just  know that at that precise moment, I hate you. We may be friends, but I don't need your words of encouragement at this point in time, what I need is for you to GET THE HELL OUT OF MY FACE!

Level 5 - Piss Nirvana- It's that moment when you realize you've been holding it since 10:30 AM, it's now 5:00 PM and for the first time today you're not pouring over a spreadsheet or on some pointless conference call. You're finally free. You hit that bathroom and you'd swear up and down to anyone that there was a faint, halo like glow around that urinal. It feels good...actually it feels great. Of course a standard piss is like 45 seconds at most. You'll be back to work in no time, and this holy, out of body piss break that you're taking? Well you're really just spilling urine into a porcelain receptacle and standing in other people's pee splatter. It's sad, the things you find yourself grateful for when your will to live has been broken.

Level 6 - Playing the Lottery as Your Last Hope - You've moved right on past looking for new jobs and are just grasping at straws. Your day was so bad that you've come to the conclusion that no job, no matter what the pay, no matter what the perks, is worth having. You're playing birthdays, childhood addresses, and Tim Tebow's passing stats from last Sunday. Just throwing up hallelujahs...Side note, this can't be a "hey just throw in a quick pick" while you're already at the store, type thing. This has to be a, screw it, I'm going to White Hen specifically for a quick pick for tonight's Powerball Drawing (I did this tonight). Only free, no strings attached money is saving you now. 

Level 7 - The Breaking Point - This is it, you're putting yourself out to pasture. You don't have a job lined up, and no prospects on the horizon, but you've decided living in a tent like one of those #occupy vagabonds is a better life than drawing a bi-weekly paycheck at the expense of your sanity, your soul, and your liver (due to the undeniable drinking problem you've acquired along the way). Homelessness is now a more attractive option to you than fluorescent lights and the same stories you've heard from your co-workers for years on end. Congrats cruel world, you've won.

PBR IS NOT JUST FOR HIPSTERS

Urban Dictionary - 1. Pabst Blue Ribbon is a lot like the band Bright Eyes, Hipsters love it, but everyone else thinks its liquid shit.

 

This shit pisses me off to no end, I'm so sick and tired of Hipsters claiming ownership of the Blue Ribbon, fuck you guys. You don't own PBR, everyone, and I mean everyone in my college used to slug PBR's on the weekends, cheaper than your big 3 (bud, miller, coors), but better tasting than your average swill (keystone and natty), it was the just right choice for a night of getting blitzed in the dorms, it was awesome.

Only problem now is whenever I order one at a bar or pickup a pack at the store I get these looks like, "wait, where's your official uniform? you're not wearing horned rimmed glasses, plaid, ratty canvas shoes, or some kind of ironic shirt/cardigan combo." No, I'm fucking not, how very observant of you. I'm buying this because I enjoy its taste and price combination, not buying it to be ironic, or make a statement about beers. I'm buying it because A) It won a blue ribbon, I don't see other beers celebrating any of their awards on the actual can, and B) It reminds me of getting shitfaced with my friends in college and doing things like mattress surfing down the hallways. 

I'm fairly certain if one Hipster saw me ordering a PBR that'd be it, the end of the whole scene, things would instantly go back to normal.  They'd see me all casual on the weekend in my Old Navy T-shirt, or maybe right after work in the outfit I grabbed from Kohls, and be like "oh shit, this isn't ironically cool anymore." That's all it'll take, one corporate middle manager, living out a dull, boring existence in his cube every day, ordering up one Pabst and the movement would be over.

Unfortunately, it may be a while before that happens because I have no idea where Hipsters go for their beverages...probably some abandoned underground laundromat that they've illegal converted into a Speakeasy or some shit...I'll tell you where I won't be seeing them, at TGI Fridays with the after work crowd grabbing a beer.

And PS: Don't even think of Occupying The High Life next...I've got that on my resume as well.

English Teacher at a Malden Charter School Previously Acted in Films Starring All Male Casts...Nude, All Male Casts

My Fox Boston - Kevin Hogan is an English teacher and crew coach at a top-rated Massachusetts public high school, but he brings some unusual experience to the job: until recently, he was starring in pornographic movies. Hogan has worked at the Mystic Valley Regional Charter School in Malden since September. In addition to his coaching and teaching duties, he also chairs the high school's English department. But he can also be found on the Internet and in adult entertainment stores under his screen name: Hytch Cawke. His movie credits include "Fetish World" and "Just Gone Gay 8," and FOX Undercover found his third movie, whose title is not fit to reveal in a family news outlet, in a local adult store. It features him answering an ad to have sex for money. "Hi, I'm Hytch and I just answered the ad and now I'm here to see what it's like to be with a guy," he says to the camera.

I used to think being an investigative reporter on a news show was probably one of the more awesome jobs you could get...Not anymore.  I'm not sure where in the job description it states "occasionally may be required to view hardcore gay porn in the newsroom," but it sounds like that's exactly what we've got going on here, and that's kind of where I draw the line.

Plus my journalistic accountability would be shot, I'm just not sure I'd be able to look a dude in the eye while interviewing him, if just 30 minutes before me, my camera man, and my producers just sat down with a pen and a notepad and watched this guy get pounded in the ass. It's hard to come back from that and look at a person the same. Maybe that just means I wouldn't cut it as a journalist, I don't know. 

PS: As always I'll ask, how did people find out about this? Some parent or fellow faculty member perusing their local Amazing's video section?

Kidnapper Who Paid His Hostages is Doing it All Wrong

Fox - Can there be no trust between a kidnapper and his hostages? A man who held a Kansas couple hostage in their home while fleeing from authorities is suing them, claiming that they broke an oral contract made when he promised them money in exchange for hiding him from police. The couple has asked a judge to dismiss the suit. "I, the defendant, asked the Rowleys to hide me because I feared for my life. I offered the Rowleys an unspecified amount of money which they agreed upon, therefore forging a legally binding oral contract," Dimmick said in his hand-written court documents. He wants $235,000, in part to pay for the hospital bills that resulted from him being shot by police when they arrested him.

Umm, hey bro, I think you're doing it wrong...YOU'RE THE KIDNAPPER! You don't pay your hostages, they pay you for their release, do you get it? You're like the worst criminal I've ever heard of...Who lambs it from a violent criminal charge, kidnaps a family, and then offers to pay them for their hospitality? What the fuck, did you confuse their house with a Motel 6? Come on guy. Your first clue should have been when Mr. Rowley didn't ask you for a tip for showing you to your room.

Yea, it would have been nice if the Rowley's held up their part of the bargain, frankly I find the lack of accountability and follow through in America these days appalling, but you've got to expect it at this point. It's par for the course. It's not like you got a receipt for the bill of services, or a contract or anything, this day in age you're just begging to be ripped off without those. We're not living in the golden age of kidnapping anymore, hostages just getting Stockholm Syndrome the second they set eyes on your and shit.  We're living in the age of CYA, cover your ass. Which as good advice as ever for you right now...have fun in prison.

Sox Hire Bobby Valentine, Not John Valentin

Boston - Robert John Valentine will be the 45th manager of the Boston Red Sox, the team selecting him within the last few hours. No contract is in place. But Mike Lynch of Channel 5 is reporting that the Red Sox have a "verbal agreement" with Valentine to be their next manager. Major league sources told Globe colleague Nick Cafardo just prior to that report that Valentine would be the next manager but a deal was not done.

So we’re really hiring Bobby Valentine, huh? Not gonna go with my advice and check into John Valentin? I mean, I checked out his resume, the guy’s available, he’s the hitting instructor for the Albuquerque Isotopes…being an assistant coach for a made up minor league team from the Simpsons is the definition of availalable...

And trust me, that makes him more than qualified after someone of the schmos the sox interviewed this off season, I mean, Dale Sveum? Let me break down his managerial highlights:

You don't have to guess, He Was Out.

 And Then...

Dale Sveum's managerial career.

Crickets. No offense Dale, there's just not much there.

And bobby valentine? Hey you seem like a nice , personable guy, but aren’t you the same one who’s been playing parachutes or whatever the hell you guys are doing over there, in Japan for the last decade and making random appearnces on TBS? And aren’t you the same guy who was giddy telling everyone how well Daisuke's skills will translate to the MLB?

Maybe I’m being too hard, on him, who knows? I kinda just wish they went outside the box and didn’t go for some retread who’s washed out to some foreign country that measures how many miles per hour someone's fastball is in Kilometers, it just doesn't make sense. I'll tell you who sure as hell doesn't measure Miles per hour in kilometers, John Valentin (I'd also have accept Scott Cooper or Tim Naehring).

Despite Pussification of Current NFL Rules, Ndamukong Suh uses Thanksgiving to demonstrate What a “Dirty” Player is.

2 games isn't that bad, Ndamukong Suh. If you did that in public, it would be Assault and Battery.

I’ve had this discussion with friends and family members before, and I was always rebuffed with comments like, “He plays smash mouth football, its great somebody these days does.” Or “He’s a pass rusher dude, he’s supposed to play that way.” This is me standing on my soap box with a smug smile filled with satisfaction declaring emphatically, “I told you so.” Unless you are the least American person in the country and were not watching Packers vs Lions on Thanksgiving 2011, you bore witness to Mr. Suh, greatly offended when an offensive lineman touched his helmet, decided that an appropriate response to the situation was to spear his assailant (who was lying on the ground) in the bicep with his spikes.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I think Roger Goodell, in his Napoleonic-like crusade to maintain player safety in an intrinsically violent sport, has massively pussified serious aspects of the sport. Pass rushers, like Suh, have to hit quarterbacks within .000125 seconds of them releasing the ball or get hit with a 15 yard “Roughing the Passer” bullshit call (As much as I love you, Tom Brady, this is partially your fault due to your irate gesticulations and furious berating of officials over the years every time anyone hit you in the pocket.) Members of any secondary cannot so much as fart near an opposing receiver without drawing some type of penalty (This one is 100 % Saint Dungy’s fault for his endless bitching that his receivers were “man-handled” AKA his team got their ass whooped in the 2004 AFC Title game.)

But as Albert Haynesworth 2.0…uh, I mean Ndamukong Suh proved on a national scale, his complete disregard for other player’s well-being and visceral reactions to contentious moments on the field have entrenched him in the “dirty” category of football players. His emphatic claims that his job is to “hurt people” are evidence of his misguided notion of what the job description of a defensive player in the NFL is supposed to entail. The objective, in my mind, of a defensive player is to prevent the offensive player/team from scoring. This can be done in any number of ways, including tackling the ball carrier, intercepting a pass, or forcing and recovering a fumble. At no point in any of those objectives is the deliberate sabotage of another player’s physical faculty included. Do injuries happen in the course of game? Yes, absolutely. I am not so deluded as to think that players should never get hurt during the course of an NFL game. These guys are the best athletes in the world and are hurling themselves at each other at top speed with unfathomable strength. The chances that something twists the wrong way are fairly high. And if this happens during the course of what a player is supposed to be doing, well, shit happens.

But a deliberate stomp with the sharpened metal end of your footwear onto a man’s unexposed arm? What if that had been his wrist and he went out for the rest of the regular season? An NFL player’s livelihood and ability to do his job is almost entirely dependent on his physical health, and absolutely no player has the right, Suh included, to purposefully and spitefully take that from another player regardless of the nature of the sport. I actually like Suh when he plays the game the right way. He has the strength of a bull elephant, and he plays with a tenacity matched by few others in the league these days. But at the same time, he has the unrestrained emotionality and petulant reasoning that plagues many immature players, and his most recent offense coupled with his past instances of placing an oversized toe over the line have firmly entrenched him, at least for me, within the realm of a “dirty player.” Whether Suh attempts to reform this image or embrace it and deal with the sanctions that this type of style typically brings from the league office is up to him. For now though, I’ll enjoy calling him “Stompin’ Suh” until I can come up with a funnier name for him (or someone else does, then I can shamelessly steal it and pretend it’s my own material.)

P.S This might be an Alt Tab first, but I made it through an entire rant without using the word "fuck." Well, until right there. In any case, props to me for being civil for at least one entry.

China Stealing All My Good Ideas, To Eliminate Useless College Majors

WSJ - Much like the U.S., China is aiming to address a problematic demographic that has recently emerged: a generation of jobless graduates. China’s Ministry of Education announced this week plans to phase out majors producing unemployable graduates, according to state-run media Xinhua. The government will soon start evaluating college majors by their employment rates, downsizing or cutting those studies in which the employment rate for graduates falls below 60% for two consecutive years. The surge of collge grads, while an accomplishment for the country, has contributed to an overflow of workers whose skill-sets don’t match with the needs of the export-led, manufacturing-based economy. Many university professors in China are unhappy with the Ministry of Education’s move, as it will likely shrink the talent pool needed for various subjects, such as biology, that are critical to the country’s aim of becoming a leader in science and technology but do not currently have a strong market demand, a report in the state-run China Daily report said.

Now more certain than ever that China is hacking my e-mail account because I had a word for word e-mail chain a few weeks ago about this very subject, right as the Occupy Boston movement was heating up and college students were starting to complain that their Roman Art History majors weren't getting them employed. Fucking China, stealing nearly all of my million dollar ideas.

On a more serious note though, the US should probably consider something similar to this, maybe not cutting majors entirely, but how about incentives for students who choose majors that might actually lead to gainful employment, as opposed to British literature majors, Anthropology, "English majors" (I put that in quotes because there is no bigger cop-out...we've spoken English since Kindegarten, how about challenging yourself), etc... 

And figure it out fast, because right now, China still has it messed up, cutting Biology majors in favor of factory workers is just nonsense.

My Blog Game Will Be So Much Hotter After I Get this for Christmas

So here's the deal, basically you guys are getting the dregs of my ideas on a daily basis. The 10% of stuff I manage to remember when I get home, only watered down because I didn't just write down the first rant or commentary that popped in my head, so instead you end up with some bizarro blog that I've been brainstorming, internally, with myself all day...and I'm my own worst editor. No one takes a funny idea and waters it down into some long winded piece of shit quite like me.

To fix this, I legitimately asked for one of those tiny notebooks that come with a pen inside for Christmas (I specified that the pen cannot be sold separately, has to be a package deal), I lose 90% of all good ideas I have, because I have nothing to write them down on...plus, I'm way funnier when I'm thinking of the stuff off the top of my head, or at least that's what I tell myself, I always give myself a chuckle when its the first time I think of something. 

So, post Christmas, watch out Blog world, I'll be coming on strong (either that or I'll just be a grown man with a journal that contains ravings about bathroom stall use, road rage, and fluorescent lighting in my cube, we'll see). 

Memo To Prince William: You're A Prince, Take it Easy on the Action Hero Stuff

Daily Mail - The Duke of Cambridge helped pluck two shipwrecked sailors from a raging sea in a dramatic rescue, but five other crewmen were missing feared drowned last night. Prince William’s RAF search and rescue helicopter was scrambled in the early hours yesterday after the 267ft Swanland sank with its cargo of 3,000 tons of limestone after being hit by a massive wave off the North Wales coast. He was co-piloting the Sea King in 50mph winds as the crew from his base, RAF Valley in Anglesey, spotted the second officer and a crewmate in the sea and winched them to safety.

What an arse, being a Prince isn't enough, you've gotta be some kind of super hero too? Come on guy, leave the rescuing people routine to the rest of us simple folk who didn't grow up in Buckingham Palace, and haven't had British girls aged 13-55 fantasizing about us since the time we were like 12 and grew our first chin hairs. The fuck man. Go do Prince things, smile, wave, cut checks to things like "Save a Baby Seal foundation" or something, this is just overkill, and frankly, us normal folk are sick of it. 

Don't get me wrong, we're glad you saved that person, we just don't need you piloting the helicopter, it's probably hard enough being English and competing with a Royal Family for the non-bucktoothed girls of England, never mind having to deal with Rambo-Prince and his Ginger Brother.