Austin Texas To Allowing Vigilante Parking Tickets to Be Issued

Dickhead

The Newspaper - Residents of Austin, Texas may soon have the power to issue parking tickets by taking a few photographs of someone else's car with their smartphones. A unanimous council voted on October 20 to explore the concept of deputizing vigilante meter maids using an iPhone app. Disabled advocates pushed the program at the council meeting in the hopes of guaranteeing easier parking. They were joined by others who were just interested in writing the $511 tickets. "I am a community policer from way back," one resident said at the meeting. "I'm also one of the first code compliance volunteers in my neighborhood... Low income people like me can't even afford a cell phone, so I think if you're going to allow this you should also expand this ordinance to include the ability of the police department and code compliance to purchase smartphones for their volunteers."

This simultaneously titillates me and horrifies me. I mean, I get infuriated when I see some jackass park his car like a total dickhead, taking up two spots, halfway in-halfway out, hugging the line so much that you have to go on a diet to get in and out of your car...It all angers the shit out of me...Like it's no wonder stores like Target and Stop n' Shop have those self blood pressure check machines at the doors, it's so people like me can calm themselves from the verge of a heart attack after dealing with the jackass parking situation in most parking lots...but I digress.

So yes, a part of me would absolutely love this, but the other half of me detests this idea, and its because of people like the one resident who offered up this beauty of a quote "I am a community policer from way back," one resident said at the meeting. "I'm also one of the first code compliance volunteers in my neighborhood."....You're an asshole.  This is the kind of person that sees a car parked illegally and phones it in to the police, or worse yet leaves a piece of paper with a note on your windshield. I'd kick this person in the nuts/ovaries if I ever saw them...Everyone illegally parks from time to time, it's the people who park like assholes we should be after, not the person who on occasion blocks a bus lane or fire hydrant because they're running into Dunks and the Dunks on Main Street unfathomably only has two fucking parking spots so every morning its a battle royal to try and snag one so I can get my coffee so that by the time I get to work I'm not a homicidal maniac...but I digress again. 

Bottom line, if you're going to do this you need clear and specific rules, and you need to screen for d-bags before allowing them to take part in this. Also, if I'm out there doing the work for meter maids, who have a tit job to begin with, you best believe I want a part of the cut...If you're writing up $511 (and how they came to that number I have no idea) tickets for handicap violators, I want at least $200. Completely serious, I'm not going to do your job for you and not get a cut of the profits, that's horseshit.

This October Snow Storm just Embrarrassing the Crap Out of Massachusetts

FRAMINGHAM -- Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick today urged patience as hundreds of thousands of utility customers in the state waited for their power to be restored after an unusually early nor’easter over the weekend that dumped as much as 30 inches of heavy, wet snow in some areas. Patrick said utility crews were “making progress” but there was “a lot more to do and a few days yet before power will be restored to everyone.”More than 519,000 customers were without electricity at mid-morning, but by the late afternoon, the number of power outages had dropped to around 460,000. Late in the afternoon, Patrick, who had declared a state of emergency Saturday night and mobilized National Guard troops, signed a letter to the White House requesting an emergency declaration that would allow federal storm relief funds to flow to local governments, said Massachusetts Emergency Management Agency spokesman Peter judge.

Jesus this is embarrassing, we get like 5-6 storms like this a season in Massachusetts, do we really need to be calling for federal storm relief in October? Seems a bit premature, come January the White House is going to be treating Deval like the Boy Who Cried Wolf. Like, "hey, sorry Deval but you fooled us back in October and November with that fluke snow storm you got, we're not falling for that shit again."

Guys, it snows here all the time, and this wasn't some freak, unexpected storm, they'd been predicting it for a week, how about a little preparedness. Yea, I know it was still October, doesn't mean you ignore every weather prognostication out there, lest you want to end up stranded on the Flemish Caps with Mark Wahlberg and George Clooney, I suggest you take the weather man's advice. Seriously, have the plows ready, have the tree crews ready, and get this shit fixed. Shit, give those Occupiers something to do and give them the keys to a plow truck or something, put them to work so they'll shut up for a week or so but lets get this shit done instead of crying to Washington because it snowed in New England, the novely of it, huh?

And this isn't all to the state either, if I hear one more complaint about all the food people just bought going bad in the fridge I'll lose it...I understand some people went out shopping in earnest, just did their weekly shopping and now that food is ruined (unless you were smart enough to load a cooler or two with ice and stick it outside). But for the rest of the assholes who spent Saturday in Stop n' Shop loading up on everything under the sun because a snow storm was coming, only to see all that food spoil during the ensuing black out, well the jokes on you...Stop stocking up on everything whenever its threatening to snow! It makes no sense. You buy all this shit, and outside of water and a couple canned goods, you can't even keep it fresh, do you see the irony here? Do you?

Weatherman Sees Thunder Snow for the 4th Time!

SOMEONE CALL THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS!

Damnit, I really missed my calling, this video just rubs it in. I took 3 weather related classes in college to fulfill my science credits, I get irrationally excited about various weather conditions, and no one, I mean no one, gets more jacked up for Thunder snow than me...not even you Jim Cantore.

Last week, at the very same time Jim was going ham during a live shot (way to keep it professional Jim), I was driving, saw thunder snow, heard the lightning, and literally pulled my car into a parking lot to tweet it. It couldn't wait, I was too damn excited, probably would have peed myself if I didn't release my excitement via twitter, don't believe me, look, first one's me exclaiming the presence of the Thunder Snow, second one is me conferring with a fellow reveler. 

All the while I'm pulled over in some parking lot on the side of the road, completely off track for the McRib I had headed out for. So you'll understand why I'm a little upset here that Jim Cantore is literally (and figuratively) stealing my thunder here. The guy has my job and I didn't even know it until now. I mean how much more training could he have really had than me? Are there more than 3 weather classes in college? I feel like they forgot to give me a minor in weather for all my hard work plotting hurricanes and memorizing cloud formations. I could have gone on to a whole other career, a TV weather man with a weather blog that would be absolute fire.

Jet Blue Passengers Stranded on Plane for 8 Hours Sunday, Without The NFL Sunday Ticket

JetBlue plane stranded on tarmac for 7 hours: MyFoxBOSTON.com

CONNECTICUT (FOX 25 / MyFoxBoston.com) - The U.S. Department of Transportation has launched an investigation into reports that JetBlue and American Airline passengers sat for hours on planes stranded at Bradley International Airport outside Hartford, Conn. Passengers on JetBlue Flight 504 said they sat on the tarmac for more than seven hours waiting for fuel, despite repeated requests from the captain for a tow to a gate. According to recordings posted on the website LIVEATC.NET, the captain of flight 504 told air traffic controllers, "I have a paraplegic on board that needs to come off. I have a diabetic on here that's got an issue... a list of things, I just got to get some help." The JetBlue pilot is also heard criticizing his own carrier for not bringing help sooner. "Look, you know, we can't seem to get any help from our own company... I apologize for this, but is there any way you can get a tug and a tow bar out here to us and get us get us towed somewhere to a gate or something. I don't care, take us anywhere," the captain said.

Wow. Freaking A' Jet Blue, huh? 8 Hours? I mean I know you've got Direct TV on there, but the programming aint that good, you don't even have the Sunday Ticket. 

I'm not even kidding, I'd rather be dead than sitting on a tarmac with a bunch of asshole strangers for 8 hours, crying babies just belting out screams, undoubtedly a smelly foreigner or two, that guy who calls out to the flight attendants every 20 minutes asking how long it's going to be...Just open the freaking doors guys, don't those inflatable slides just pop right out? I'll take my chance dodging planes and those luggage carriers, but get me the hell off the plane. 

In all seriousness though, a refund Jet Blue? That's what ya got? What in the hell makes you think any of these people are ever flying your airline again? I like you Jet Blue, I really do, but a refund, come on...How about like a refund plus a free round trip flight, you just ruined 8 hours of every one's lives, I'd say you owe them 8 hours of free flights. 

Red Sox to Interview Dale Sveum for Coaching Job...Remember Dale, Worst 3rd Base Coach Ever

Guy was basically a statue like this all season long, sending everyone in sight

Boston - The Red Sox will interview Philadelphia Phillies bench coach Pete Mackanin tomorrow and Milwaukee Brewer hitting coach Dale Sveum later this week as the search for a new manager gets underway in earnest. Sveum, who turns 48 next month, was the Red Sox third base coach from 2004-05. He has been with the Brewers in the six seasons since, serving as third base coach, bench coach and hitting coach under three managers. Sveum became interim manager in 2008, leading the Brewers to a 7-5 record and a playoff spot. Milwaukee then lost a division series against the Phillies in four games. The Phillies went on to win the World Series. Sveum has three years of minor league managing experience, all coming with Pittsburgh from 2001-03. He was 213-211 and led Altoona (Pa.) to the 2003 Eastern League playoffs. Sveum played 12 years in the majors (1986-99) for the Brewers, Phillies, White Sox, Athletics, Mariners, Pirates and Yankees. He hit .235 with 69 home runs.

Is everyone ok with this, because I sure as shit am not.  Dale Sveum, are we serious here? Nothing against Dale the person, I'm sure he's a swell guy, but my issue is that I know his name at all. His career resume reads like a hanger-on'er bench coach here, third base coach here, batting coach here, etc...I shouldn't have a clue who he is, but I do, and that's generally not a good thing for a career assistant. Take this Pete Mackanin, guys been in baseball in some form since 1973, never heard of him, and that's a good thing.

The only reason I've heard of Dale Sveum is because he was perhaps the worst 3rd base coach in Red Sox history outside of Wave 'Em In Wendell, and frankly, if Dale's name began with a "W" we would have honorarily bestowed Wave 'Em In to him as a nick name. Nothing funny went with Dale, that's all. But back to my point, if I know who you are as a third base coach, you suck at your job. I couldn't tell you who the 3rd base coach has been for the past few years for the Sox, no idea. And it's not like I'm not watching the games, or that I'm completley oblivious, if someone said the name I'd be like "oh yea it's him," but there's just no way I can think of it off the top of my head...Dale hasn't been here for like 5 years and I still remember him getting runners buried at the plate. And in case you think it's just me, irrationally hating on this guy, check out his wiki: "Most Hated Third Base Coach on a team that won the World Series." Not a title you aspire to. (actually check out his wiki page, its hilarious).

So count me as out on this one, unless it's written into Dale's contract that he has no control over base running, bunting, and giving signs whatsoever, I think I'll pass, sorry Dale.

Trampoline Wall Tricks....Wait For It....

There, now you're all as disappointed as I was, just sitting here waiting for this guy to break a femur, crash head first, or, best case scenario split his nuts on the top of that wall...and for all that patience..nothing. Absolutely nothing. Just some guy that cruises through life knowing that he does way better trampoline tricks than I'll ever do.  Where is the justice in that?

Can We All Get On the Same Page As Far as Sneezing Reactions Go?

 

Sneezing has to draw the most wide ranging mix of emotions and reaction from on-lookers over any other bodily function...Not specifically this guy above, this guy is about to get some hateful looks, some people muttering under their breath, and he probably won't get a holiday Christmas card. Just disgusting as it gets...But in general, for mild mannered, non gross people, the mix of reactions you'll get after sneezing is just confounding. Can't we all get on the same page as far as how to react to these situations? We don't treat any other bodily functions like this. 

Burping - You've got two basic reactions here, 1)Gross/Indignation and 2)WOW, Congrats. It all depends on the situation and maturity level of the observer. The gross indignation reactor is going to mean mug you, cross their arms in contempt and in the most fucking annoying tone possible say "Exxccuussee me?" Look bud, I didn't just step on your foot, didn't kick your dog, and didn't physically harm you in anyway. Unless I interrupted you during a speech or quiet meeting, or some other formal function, chances are I'm not going to say excuse me, especially to a stranger.  Like if I'm in the food court at the mall you're not getting that excuse me, sorry ain't gonna happen. Moving on, the Wow/Congrats reactor is kind of self explanatory. You've just let out a king sized belch, deserved of acknowledgment and this person is obliging. This happens when you're drunk or under the age of 16, or if you're in general company with myself. That's it.

Farting - Generally one reaction, a scowl, a move to the nose and inquisitive looks around to find the offender. I'm not quite sure why, but farts seem to bring out the inner Sherlock Holmes in all of us.  I was at a bar the other night and someone was just ripping ass for like an hour straight, finally after 20 minutes I decided I had enough and decided to crack the case, I went from slamming beers to figuring out air current movements, checking everyone's food orders for obvious signs of gas, and just eye balling people to determine the most likely source of flatulence...I settled on Honest Abe Lincoln (it was a Halloween party). My only regret is not asking him to confirm, he couldn't tell a lie after all. 

Cough - Two reactions, Aww, are you ok, and WTF DO YOU MIND COVERING UP?!. Complete polar opposites. The Aww are you ok tends to come from someone sympathetic to you, a loved one or friend who's going to feed you chicken soup until you feel better, despite the fact that you flat out detest chicken soup and really all soups (that's just me? Ok). The outrageous overreaction is from everyone else.  And don't let the fact that I threw in asking the person to cover up fool you.  I cover up a record rate of 95% of the time, I still get these looks. It's just a knee jerk reaction, you can't help it. You just assume everyone doesn't cover up and you're now going to come down with the bubonic plague as a result of that cough. I've heard someone cough behind me before, without seeing them, and turned around to tell them to cover up. Everyone hates a cougher, everyone. It's just a selfish bodily function. Just cut the shit.

The Sneeze - Reactions run the gamut, so much so that I don't even know where to begin. You got the God Bless you'ers, the ones who laugh (when you sneeze like 4-5 times in a row and sound like a nail gun), the outright disgust (saved for my boy pictured above), the WTF was that?!? reaction (for instance there is this chick at my work who sneezes like a 400 pound gorilla. No joke. I walked over to someone who works by her to ask what guy sneezed like that, and he pointed to her and I said "no, that's a girl," and he just shook his head marveling. I was stunned, the ultimate WTF was that sneeze.), and finally, for me at least, no reaction whatsoever...I'm not a total barbarian, I'll give my girlfriend a god bless you, and if someone else makes it awkward for me I'll say it out of guilt, but for the most part I just don't react, because frankly there is no consensus. Someone tell me definitively how I should be reacting to sneezing and I'll get on board. But as long as we're treating sneezes like the Wild West where everything goes, I'm going to continue not to acknowledge them.

The Story that I am Glad Was NOT a Story: “Running up the Score”

Hey Coach, maybe if you spent more time teaching your team defense instead of flipping the bird, you wouldnt be getting your ass kicked.

Last Sunday, America was present for a public massacre: a completely defenseless party was at the mercy of their oppressors, and was forcibly beaten like a red headed step child for 3 consecutive hours until the last breath of life escaped them. I, of course, refer to the snooze fest blow out that was the NFL “Game of the Week” with the Colts playing the Saints in the Superdome. The Saints, with their explosive offensive firepower, and the Colts with….well their incredible level of ineptitude as well as a quarterback who creepily looks like Kurt Cobain, was a combination for a 62-7 final score. The score doesn’t even really do justice to how badly the Colts got their ass kicked. The Saints ended up with 557 net yards, 305 more than their hapless opponents. The Saints punted the ball ONCE the entire game. The sorry excuse of a team called the Colts had a time of possession almost HALF of what the Saints did. So yeah, in every respect this was a complete and utter ass kicking.

However, the point I am trying to bring to light is that not a single member of the media even muttered a whisper of “lack of sportsmanship” or criticize the Saints for running up the score. For once, I am absolutely overjoyed that nobody (or at least a large majority of journalists) did not even give this angle of a story a sideways glance. As a Patriots fan, it drove me absolutely crazy in 2007-2008 for all the jealous little shits and sanctimonious football gurus to shove their arbitrary notions of “sportsmanship” down our throats when the Pats were mercilessly tearing through opposing defenses like Rob Gronkowski tears through porn stars. The nerdy corpse some call John Clayton emphatically stated that the Patriots kicked Hall of Fame Coach Joe Gibbs “when he was down” by crushing his Redskins 52-7. Forget the fact that the pass/running play ratio was almost identical for the Patriots in that game, no, they were being assholes by continuing to play and do their job until the 60 minutes was up.

My opinion at the time (and as it still stands today) is that there is no such thing as “running up the score” in professional/Division 1 collegiate sports (which is essentially pro sports these days anyways with the number of scandals and level of competitive nature, only difference is these kids don’t make millions to play their respective game.) You should not have to be reviled, decried, criticized, and demonized because you happen to be much better at what you do than your opponent is. Just because you take a big lead (like the Saints 2011/Patriots 2007) does not mean you have to fold it in and just half ass the rest of the way because you are scared you’ll hurt someone’s feelings. If you want to go out and sling the ball for a second half because you want to work on “in game” repetitions, do it. If you want to stomp on your opponent’s ego and crush it into a fine powder by winning by 40+, power to you. Not many teams can perform at that high a level very often. Imagine if competitive businesses were going head to head, and the 2^nd place entity filed a complaint with the SEC about the other company “running up the score” (making more money, having a bigger market share, whatever) They would get laughed out the building faster than it takes Daniel Tosh to do something flamboyantly homosexual.

Look, I get the notion of sportsmanship and when it is appropriate, like in youth sports and handling yourself like a professional before and after competitive events (*cough JIM SCHWARTZ cough*). But when you take the court, field, or rink in a professional setting, you damn well better make sure you come to play, because if you’re looking for any sympathy when/if you are getting your ass kicked all over the play, you won’t find any from me. All you will get is a smirk and a comment to the effect of, “You don’t want the score run up on you? Play better.”

Denise Richards Regrets Her Breast Implants Because of Daughter, I Regret her having a Daughter

Denise Richards wishes she hadn't had breast implants to go from flat to a D-cup as a teenager. In her latest iVillage essay, she worries that she's sending a bad message to her three daughters about beauty and confidence. "I'm in a business where looks and weight do matter," she writes. "My girls see me at work or getting ready for photo shoots and I'm sure at times it can be a confusing message to them when I'm being primped, dressed and fussed over." In the essay, Richards says having daughters has made her regretful of her breast implants. "At 19 when I first got my breasts done, I wish that I was confident enough with my body to not have had surgery," she writes. "That is something that I really want to encourage in my daughters, to embrace their healthy body and have confidence."

Oh, Denise, Denise, Denise, of all my regrets, you having a child ranks pretty highly up there...Don't get me wrong, I'm sure your kids are great, mommy's little angels, blah, blah, blah... It's just that you were it for me growing up...You know what I'm talking about.

1998, Wild Things, I'm shivering just thinking about it now...I dropped whatever I was doing countless times whenever I saw Wild Things was on one of the HBO's, just pure sex appeal,  you might have single handedly been responsible for my voice changing over from awkwardly high pitched boy to teenage man-boy. I mean, screw Britney, you introduced me to the sexy school girl outfit, and you dominated that it.

So you can understand why it pains me to hear you lamenting those god given gifts of yours (so what if they're not natural, god still gave us the resources). Embrace those gifts Denise, know that you ushered an entire legion of boys into manhood when you went all scissor fest with Neve Campbell. Those things made you an absolute legend and in no way should you be lamenting them.