Hallmark to Sell Happy Unemployment Cards...Pretty Much the Worst Thing I've Ever Heard.

INDIANAPOLIS (NBC) -- In the business of selling sentiments, there's a card for everything, from traditional occasions to unique needs: cards with sound, cards for holidays, cards for losing a tooth. But losing a job? Yes, now there's a card for that too. Hallmark recently rolled out a new line of layoff greeting cards. Stores have a specific section for job loss and recession humor, offering words of support and encouragement. 

Make no mistake about it, if I'm ever unemployed and receive one of these, we're no longer friends. I'll disown my family, de-friend you on facebook, and publicly slander you online. I'll get in my car, drive to wherever you live, and punch you straight in the dick. Because that's three strikes against you.

1. You supported the billion dollar card industry, you could've just sent an e-card if you wanted to be an asshole.

2. You used the post office. Anyone that knows me knows I will not be satisfied until we're rid of that top heavy, billion dollar drain on the economy and general waste of government resources.

3. You sent me a happy unemployment card. Even I'm not that much of an asshole.  Losing your job is the worst. I went 3 months without a job after college and it was the worst.  I started buying and selling baseball cards on ebay thinking I'd get rich (ok, only buying, whatever), and contemplated responding to one of those "as seen on Oprah," pyramid scheme chain letters just to see if I could make any money. I was pathetic, I certainly didn't need a card reminding me of that fact, eating cereal at 12 noon each day in my parents basement was enough of a reminder.

Prison Buys Inmates 40 New HDTV's...Oh Boy, Here Comes a Rant

PITTSBURGH (KDKA) — They’re top of the line flat screen TVs and right now, inmates at the Allegheny County Jail are likely watching them. The County Jail Oversight Board recently approved the purchase of 40 Sony Bravia televisions for viewing in the jail common areas. If a judge sentenced you to the Allegheny County Jail, you’d be provided three hot meals and a bed to sleep in, but in common areas, you’d also be able to watch cable shows on 42-inch Sony flat screens. The County Jail Oversight Board recently approved the purchase of 40 sets for $16,000 or $395 a piece. “If our families in Allegheny County can’t afford 42-inch Sony Bravia TVs, the prisoners certainly shouldn’t be able to be watching them in jail,” he said. The money comes from the “Inmate Welfare Fund” – proceeds from the jail commissary used by the inmates.“The point of being in jail is not to mistreat people or make them feel worse and resentful,” Marion Damick, a committee member, said.

Seriously? "The point of being in jail is not to mistreat people or make them feel worse and resentful." The fuck it isn't buddy. I'm certainly not paying for these guys to enjoy the NFL Network in the same stunning brilliance that I do each Sunday. That shit is FUBAR.

Sorry, but when you're supposed to be removed from society, you should be removed from fucking society. That includes not knowing how your favorite football teams are doing and not being able to track your fantasy football teams.  Give these guys recycled tube TV's if you want to but lets save the Plasmas and LCD's for those of us who've chosen not rape, murder, and pillage. I don't know, just seems like a nice reward is all. And spare me the horseshit that this wasn't tax money, that's semantics. Yea the cash came from the prisoner commissary, but how about using that money to pay back the tax payers who pay to house the inmates? The prison guards, the building upkeep, the infirmary workers, the food, and those orange jumpsuits. That shit aint free. If you've got funds to buy 40 fucking HDTV's, you've got funds to pay back the tax payers that support these deadbeats asses.

 And 42 in. TV's for $395 a piece? What the fuck! If that was the price for us regular folks I'd have a tv at every turn in my apartment, on the wall in the stairs, in the bathrooms, above the kitchen sink, over the windows. The whole apartment would be TV's. I'd even have one on all three sides of the bed, that way you could roll whatever way you want and still watch, instead of having to pick one uncomfortable position and then having to stick with it until you decide to fall asleep.  I want to know who gave the inmates this break? And don't give me that shit about selling them in bulk...If you ran an add tomorrow that said "42 inch Sony's at Prisoners Prices, priced so low it's a steal at $395!", I'd legitimately buy two, and I'm quite certain you'd sell more than 40 in one day. People would line up like the day after Thanksgiving. You'd have a borderline riot on your hands.

US Post Office to Allow Living Celebrities to be on Stamps, My Thoughts

Fox News - Americans will soon have a chance stay stuck on their favorite celebrities in the form of a U.S. postage stamp. The U.S. Postal Service is reportedly changing its longstanding policy to allow images of living famous people, like popular music artists and politicians, to appear on postal stamps. USPS executive Stephen Kearney told Reuters Monday that he hopes to have at least one "living subject" to have his or her first stamp by 2012. The old policy required that a person be dead for at least five years before they could be memorialized on postage, according to the New York Post. The newspaper reported that the change is part of an effort to increase postal stamp collecting and raise revenue. The USPS is reportedly encouraging people to mail their nominations in or post them on Facebook and Twitter. The USPS is also allowing ordinary Americans to upload photos on the USPS website to create postage stamps using their own pictures.

Finally! It's about time the US Post Office came to the realization that stamps have more value as a collectors item than for actually mailing things. 

For years the post office has been going about this all wrong. Instead of catering to the 3% of people who still actively mail things and senior citizen collectors they should have been targeting the younger demographic. It just makes sense. Nobody mails stuff anymore, and if your main consumer group is 75+ years old, well you're going to run out of customers at a pretty alarming rate (due to natural attrition). 

But if you go younger? Look at Pogs. Circle pieces of cardboard with a cartoon picture on them. Kids went ape shit for those things, myself included. Hell, I still have tubes of pogs and slammers in my parents attic, just in case that fad comes back in style.  There's no reason stamps can't be the same way. You start slapping tamaguchi's and piccachu's on those things and kids will be lining up so fast to buy stamps you'll have to start opening kiosks at the mall. 

My top suggestions:

1) Snooki - If only to see my grandfathers face when he adds Snooki to his collection, right next to Dwight Eisenhower and John F. Kennedy. Part horrified and part confused as to who the oompa-loompa is and why she's famous enough to be on a stamp. It would be priceless.

2) The Biebs - Justin Bieber drives young girls crazy. Young girls drive the economy. Ergo de facto, put Justin Bieber on as many products as possible and watch this country rise out of the recession, stamps included. 

3) Lady Gaga - I just feel like the Gay and Lesbian market is probably a tough market to reach in the stamp game. These are sophisticated people, they're not mailing things. But they'll sure as hell support Gaga since she gets up on her soap box for them every chance she gets. 

4) Barrack Obama - Just kidding, post office would probably have to shutter its doors forever.

PS: You're kidding yourself if you don't think I'm uploading some kind of Alt-Tab stamp the first chance I get. I mail like 3 things a year, but that'll increase for sure.

Redneck Makes Guido Tank Top Out of Underwear

Photo From Uncoached 

Gonna be honest, I'm not completely  hating on this guy...I mean yea, the fact that it's underwear is ridiculous, but let's be serious, at least the guy picked Hanes and not Fruit of the Loom. This would be 100x worse with that fruit basket tag smack dab in the middle of his back. 

But beyond the choice of garment here, he's not all that out of style. Guido's have been wearing bra-style tank tops for a few years now. What's the difference? Their's were meant to be shirts and this guy's tank probably fondled his pork sword yesterday? Minor details in the life of a redneck, minor details.

Nice Bra Guy

Two Headed Cats Aren't Called Siamese Cats?

Two-faced cat earns Guinness world record: MyFoxBOSTON.com

WORCESTER (FOX 25 / MyFoxBoston.com) - A Worcester cat has two names, one body, two faces, and now a spot in the Guinness World Records. Frank and Louie was born with two faces, a condition called Janus. Cats born this way generally live a day or two, but the Worcester Telegram & Gazette says Frank and Louie are celebrating their 12th birthday. That is a world record.

Yes! Another chance to ad-lib an El Pres Post (Quotations hypothetical, of course):

GET IT OFF ME! I literally spit out my coffee and I wasn't even drinking coffee. This has to be some kinda sign of the apocalypse, or some shit. Cats born this way normally live a day or two, huh? No shit hunny. Cats with one head are enough of a terror, demon cats spawning second heads just can't be tolerated. I in no way condone violence against animals, but this thing isn't your average animal, and I'm fairly certain cat owners are off'ing two headed cats after a day of dealing with their devious ways. It's just too much cat to handle, even the crazy cat ladies from TLC couldn't put up with this shit. It's diabolical.

In all seriousness though, how is the name of the condition for a two headed cat called Janus? Not Siamese? Really guys? Am I wrong for thinking that we call Siamese twins, Siamese twins because of the cats? I'm so confused right now, like if ever there was a layup case of something being Siames-ish I thought this would be it. Now I'm going to have to go spend an hour or so on wikipedia figuring this shit out. Might as well call out of work today.

Sharing an eyeball must absolutely suck

Quick Slants: Musings and Thoughts after 3 weeks of “Foo’BAWL!!!”

Like every NFL season, the 2011-2012 version has brought us some great headlines, surprising side stories, and the head scratchingly bizarre.  Some of this stuff most of us will claim we saw coming, other events are completely out of left field, but all of them are part of my Quick Slants: Weeks 1-3 edition.  Instead of doing a specifically tailored dissection of one game, I’ll just give a bunch of short observation’s I’ve had of the NFL landscape every few weeks, to keep it fresh and interesting (translation: so that I don’t have to write/you don’t have to read a 1200 word post when this is so much easier.)  With that, off we go

*The New England Patriots literally look like a carbon copy of the 2004-2005 Phoenix Suns:  One half absolutely ridiculous, perfectly paced offense that can stack up points so fast the scoreboard can’t even keep track like the DDR showdown from Grandma's Boy; one half tissue paper thin defense with more holes in it than Sonny Corleone’s body does after the tollbooth scene in The Godfather.

*The Oakland Raiders, after going through many treatments, have finally seemed to have recovered from the suckitude that the malignant disease “JeMarcus Russell-it is” left them with for years.  We are looking at a team that, had they been able to stem a late surge by the Bills, that could be 3-0 right now.  Holy shit.  I am looking at that right, the Raiders?? Yeah…I am.  Plenty of season for them to mess it up, but at least they look like a decent football team so far.  Darren McFadden is transforming into a top tier running back with every passing week.  Oh, and they also have a walking potential felony in their drunk ass kicker Sebastian Janikowski, who just so happens to also had a right leg made of titanium as he makes 50 yard field goals all day.  Fun all around with this group

*I can’t help but wonder if Adrian Peterson just signed his way into being “Barry Sanders 2.0.”  Not in terms of production; Barry, in my opinion, was the best running back to ever play the game.  But in signing a 7 year, 100 million dollar deal, he’s essentially locked himself into a losing franchise that frankly doesn’t have much going on besides him.  McNabb is completely and utterly cooked, Leslie Frazier is making fans pine for Brad Childress (maybe not, Childress was truly awful) and can’t force a turnover for their lives.  Oh, and they’ve been outscored 67-6 in the second half of their games.  If Adrian signed for the money, good move.  If he signed to be on a winning club….yikes.

*Who in the hell saw the Buffalo Bills being the only team left in the AFC going 3-0??  The proverbial walking joke of the past 5 to 10 seasons, a group of football based futility that if you saw on your favorite teams schedule, you instantly penciled your team in for a win?  Yeah, not happening this year.  Ryan Fitzpatrick is absolutely GUNNING.  He has a competent receiving core in Stevie Johnson, Donald Jones, and David Nelson.  Fred Jackson, long an under rated back, is tearing through defenses with reckless abandon.  That being said, in way am I penciling the Bills for a Superbowl Birth simply on their early success.  They still have a truly AWFUL defense that struggles particularly against the run.  It will be tough for them to win games if their offense fizzles at all.  (NOTE: Did anyone see the dwarf athletic trainers the Bills had during the Aaron Willams injury this past Sunday?  Dude is living proof that Gimli and his kin aren’t just mythical beings of Middle Earth. Linky goodness here)

*The NFC west is absolutely terrible.  In other fascinating news, the sun rose still in the East and set in the West today. (I’d like to take this opportunity to give Frank Gore the middle finger.  You’re one of the main reasons my Yahoo fantasy team sucks.  Thanks, ass)

*The Eagles, despite the constant media blow jobs they received upon signing all these amazing Pro Bowl players, are 1-2 due to a secondary that apparently skipped the section of camp where they learned how to tackle, an offensive line more porous than a sponge, and their premier quarterback’s propensity to dangerously run out of the pocket has caused him to suffer a concussion and a broken hand in back to back weeks.  Just another sign that hype and NFL “analysts” (edit: meathead dumbfucks who used to play football, so they think they are intelligent) anointing you as the team to beat in preseason means absolutely dick.

*In a really pleasant turn of events, the Detroit Lions are 3-0 and look every bit as talented as they have been touted.  It’s taken a few years for all the pieces to assemble and Matthew Stafford to stay healthy, but I can’t help but love this team.  Maybe it’s partially out of my affection for Barry Sanders, maybe I can sympathize with a city that has had next to nothing sports related to root for in years.  But these guys are awesome on both sides of the ball.  Stafford can sling it like a boss and Calvin Johnson (aptly named Megatron) is a freak in a league where wide receivers are already freakishly athletic human beings.  Ndamukong Suh and Kyle Vandenbosch are a TWO MAN pass rush.  Just awesome shit to watch, and I actually hope it continues (if for no other reason than to justify having them play every thanksgiving.  This year they might actually…play a competitive game?!? I didn’t think Thanksgiving could get any better.)

Childbride Courtney Stodden Getting A Reality Show

Fox 411- Courtney Stodden is the 17-year-old girl who married 51-year-old actor Doug Hutchison … when she was 16. They announced Wednesday that they have been snapped up to film a reality show. “They are going to be very, very open about their lives,” Courtney’s mom told RadarOnline.com. “They want everybody to see their life. Nothing is off limits.”

I'm delighted and horrified all at the same time...let me say this first, this girl is going to be a train wreck. Part Jessica Simpson, part Anna Nicole Smith watching her struggle to comprehend simple daily tasks like how to turn on the hot water knob in the shower, how to order food at a drive through, and how to chew gum and walk at the same time is going to be fantastic...That said, this girl is going to be a train wreck and we might have a legitimate chance at seeing someone die on camera during a reality show for the first time. Whether it's by some kind of crazy murder suicide pact, or when she accidentally catches her extensions on fire attempting to cook Mac & Cheese for the first time, this has a real chance of happening.

On another note, Courtney's twitter stream is an absolute must read...It's like she's walking around with some kind of Erotic Novel Writers Thesaurus all day. Just cramming an assortment of sultry adjectives together to some how form a confusing, semi-erotic 140 character message, for example:

Had a beautifully busy day today, all based around my HOT & upcoming reality show! Are you all ready for it?

Lickin a sucker as I boisterously bounce UP & down on the bed while drenched in a soak ‘n wet white mini-T & pink panties; Feelin Dangerous!

Had a bodily breakfast in bed this morning; It was so tasteful… Just like sweet syrupy pancakes completed with a lush creamy filling. Yum!

Sweetly fetching a tasty bone to my precious lil’ pink pooch Bazaar out back, as the sultriness of the day gently begins to heighten. Mmm…

I am going to get drilled today… & I’ll keep my mouth open the entire time. I’ll be a good girl… I promise. Mmm… I LOVE the Dentist!

Maybe you wanna hire a personal tweeter, preferably someone that can form coherent sentences.

Husband Blames Internet History on Some Sort of Porn Hackers

EDMONTON, AB—Local husband and father of two, Richard Poitras, 42, announced today that there is a perfectly logical explanation for the long list of raunchy Google searches that recently appeared out of nowhere on his internet browser’s search history. In a response to questioning from his wife, which began yesterday, Poitras said, “Listen, I’m no computer whiz, but I think I have an idea how this could have happened.” He went on to describe a spam email he vaguely remembers opening, completely on accident. “That email must have linked my system up with some kind of hacker.” When asked why a computer hacker would take the time to plant “anal ass butt female” into his search history, Poitras responded, “I’ve thought about that, and it makes no sense to me, either.” “People spend their time doing strange things these days,” he added. Poitras immediately took his laptop back from his wife and initiated an anti-virus scan. He says he has learned his lesson about being careful when clicking through his emails. 

Nice try buddy, nice try. Unless you're still rocking AOL 5.0 there's just no way that story is true. No one's gotten unfiltered porn e-mails since 'Nam. That's just a ridiculous excuse, hackers ruining peoples relationships with key words like anal ass butt female and booty popping, like they've got nothing better to do. Haven't you seen the movie Hackers? They've got to save the world from evil heads of corporations and something to do with an oil tanker of some sort (I can't remember, it was a confusing plot, somehow they used their laptops connected to payphones, you tell me how the hell that worked). 

But as an aside, congrats on having the single dumbest wife alive, if this were to be true. If she'll buy excuses like Anal Porn Viruses then she's definitely a keeper.

Canada Airbrushing God Given Boobs of Elected Government Officials

HuffPo - It was brought to our attention yesterday by Contrarian, a Canadian political blog, that rising member of the Canadian parliament Rathika Sitsabaiesan has undergone some quite obvious Photoshopping. When searched via Google Image, Rathika Sitsabaiesan's name turned up a headshot of her smiling for the camera wearing a white scoop-neck top and a green necklace with a bit of cleavage -- not Christina Hendricks levels, just the average amount for a larger-chested woman. But Contrarian found that the exact same image appears on Sitsabaiesan's formal Member of Parliament Profile on the Parliament of Canada website -- sans cleavage. See the two pictured below. Is this just innocuous touching-up in the name of appropriateness... or messing with someone else's body unnecessarily? 

So in the land of Canada, Cleavage: Bad, Hermaphrodites: Good? Is that right? Because that picture there on theright is an Indian He-She if I've ever seen one. Looks like Fez from That 70's Show with a wig on. 

I just don't get Canadians, do they fear boobs aren't conducive to legislating? Hasn't America proven that you can be taken seriously as an elected official with a nice pair of jugs? I mean, look at Sarah Palin, everyone respects her and her hooters, right?