Massachusetts Supermarket Chain to do Away with Self Checkout Lines...Too Many Idiots

See those bananas? No bar code, get the hell out of the express line, now!

SPRINGFIELD -- A Massachusetts-based supermarket chain is doing away with its self-service checkout lanes, saying they haven’t been able to replace the friendly human cashier. Big Y says the self-serve lanes will be phased out by the end of the year, and more standard service lanes added. The chain opened self-serve lanes in 2003 as a way to speed up checkout and save money. But it found checkout times actually lengthened as customers grappled with bar codes, coupons and payment methods. Big Y added that the lanes can’t replace the service provided by a human being.

First of all, I don’t even know what the Big Y is, just wanted to put that out there. But at any rate, why are the self-serve lanes so hard for people to understand? 

Just as a general rule of thumb, if it doesn’t have a barcode, don’t jump in the self serve line, I’m talking to you, health nuts who waste my time searching for the icon for dragon fruits, papaya’s, and sugar cane stocks, and then weighing each item individually. Stop messing around with the express line. 

Please, just leave those lines to efficiency pros like myself. They’re the only things that make food shopping remotely tolerable, and if I have to start shopping without them, well I shutter to think of the potential consequences. I’ll almost certainly be arrested for verbally assaulted the MENSA candidate ringing up my purchase, nevermind these people and their 10 kids picking up every pack of gum and candy bar at the checkout line and asking their mom if they can get one, to which she answers no and then the kid picks up the next one. Control your freaking kid!

Sorry, went off on a tangent. Bottom line, if you’re buying something produce related or are just an idiot who strugges with technology (litmus test, if your phone doesn’t have either a qwerty keyboard or touch screen), then stay out of my express self check out line.

I'm Not Positive, But I Think New Hampshire Police Arrested a Pirate for Kidnapping Yesterday

NORTHFIELD (FOX 25 / MyFoxBoston.com) - Two Danbury men were arrested after allegedly kidnapping and pistol-whipping a 27-year-old man on Tuesday night. According to the New Hampshire Union Leader, 40-year-old George Newman and 28-year-old Eric Morgan kidnapped Sean Vandell, who they say owed one of them $500. The Union Leader reports that Vandell was kidnapped just before 6:30 p.m. as he was leaving an apartment at 35 Summer St. in Northfield.

Now that is what a kidnapper should look like, in fact I'm pretty sure 6 year old CW used to picture exactly this guy when having nightmares about creep-o's under the bed. 

To his credit, he does a fine job coordinating his outfit. Might be the first time in history that it was appropriate for someone to be wearing a skull and cross bones shirt, pairs with the eye patch beautifully. 

New Jersey Tax Payers Paying the Salaries of The Jersey Shore

TRENTON, N.J. – New Jersey residents will be picking up a $420,000 slice of the production tab for the original 2009 series of "Jersey Shore" -- a situation that some of the state's lawmakers are less than happy about, The Star-Ledger reported Thursday. The New Jersey Economic Development Authority (EDA) approved a massive film tax credit Wednesday for the MTV reality show's inaugural season. "I can't believe we are paying for fake tanning for 'Snooki' and 'The Situation', and I am not even sure $420,000 covers that," said New Jersey State Assemblyman Declan O'Scanlon (R-Monmouth).

If it wasn’t a fact before, it is now. Jersey is the dumbest state in the country. Like here I am yesterday bitching about our retarded governor and his Scott's Tots College Tuition Scam, pushing for illegal immigrants to receive tuition reimbursement, refusing to kick out illegal immigrants, all but declaring himself Lord High Czar for the illegal immigrants, despite the fact that they can't vote...but that’s nothing compared to Governor Christie down in Jersey.

I’d personally pay for little Manuel Jimenez to go to Harvard before I found out my tax dollars were paying for The Situations valtrex treatments, a bunch of industrial strength tanning machines and hair wax for days.

So congrats Gov. Christie, you've some how made Deval Patrick seem not that bad.

Netflix Got Greedy, I'm Finally Cancelling My Dormant Account

NEW YORK (CNNMoney) -- Netflix subscribers threatened to flee in droves when the company whacked them with a surprise price hike, which kicked in this month. Now they're making good on that threat. Netflix on Thursday cut its subscriber forecast for the current quarter, saying it now expects to end the period with 24 million customers -- down from the 25 million the company forecast just a few weeks ago. That's also down from the 25.6 million global subscribers Netflix had on June 30, the end of its second quarter. The writing has been on the wall since July, when Netflix angered many subscribers by saying it would begin charging separate prices for its DVDs-by-mail and streaming video plans. That amounted to a big price hike for Netflix customers, as the cheapest-possible bill for customers who want both services jumped from $10 to $16 a month.

See, this is the thing Netflix, you really fucked up. 

You had a good thing going. I was paying you for absolutely nothing on your end. Literally. I ordered The Lovely Bones on June 24, 2010. That’s right, 2010. It’s still sitting on my bookshelf. Not because it was awesome and I couldn’t bare to send it back, the movie SUCKED. No, it’s there because I lost that red, postage-paid pamphlet and god forbid I look up your address online and self-address an envelope. That’s too much work. So what does that mean? It means I’ve paid 9.99 a month for 14 months for nothing. Sure I streamed a few episodes of Parks and Recreation to catch up, but that’s it. $140 for free. And I’m sure I’m not the only one just wasting my subscription. It’s like signing up for the gym. 

The gym could literally close the location down the street and keep charging me, I’d never know the difference. Similarly Netflix could have stopped providing movies and tv shows altogether, nevermind cutting back on its catalogue, and continued charing me 9.99 and I would have never cancelled it.

But you got greedy. And now the free ride is over. I’m going to get on that horse today, self address an envelope, figure out how to buy one of those stamp things that people used to use (god I hope you can buy just 1), and mail that abomination of a movie back. Tomorrow I’ll be cancelling my account. 

In ya face Netflix.

Caption Contest: Commuting on a Motorcycle in India

Tech Support

And not that I want to stereotype any further, but the guys filming this definitely work in call centers. If I learned anything from Outsourced (a great show, cut down well before its time, Damn you NBC, DAMN YOU), it's that the best call center employees learn our phrases and terminology.  I think it's safe to say: "What the fuck man?" , "He's just chilling!" , "Crazy Dude" , and, "Yo! What!?!" are decidedly not punjab-y terms.

J.R. Smith To Play Basketball in China...Well Played David Stern, Well Played

DENVER -- Wilson Chandler will have some company in China this season. Fellow Denver Nuggets free agent J.R. Smith is following him overseas. Another teammate, Ty Lawson, is taking his game abroad as well, electing to play in Lithuania. Unlike Chandler and Smith, Lawson will be able to cut short his overseas adventure should the lockout end in time for there to be an NBA season. The NBA owners and players are divided over a salary cap structure and have made no significant progress in talks to end the lockout. No more meetings are scheduled. "J.R. really wants to play basketball this season," agent Leon Rose told The Associated Press on Wednesday. So, Smith signed a one-year deal with a squad in Zhejiang, the same province Chandler is heading to but not the same team. "His decision to accept the deal was based on the uncertainty of the NBA labor negotiations, a significant offer from the club and the unique opportunity to play the game he loves in another country that loves its basketball," Rose wrote in an email. "J.R. is looking forward to the challenge."

This has to be a part of David Stern’s evil genius plan, right? Start out innocently enough by proclaiming NBA players are free to play overseas during the lockout, foreign countries like China and Spain get all excited dreaming of Kobe, Lebron, Wade, and Howard throwing down in packed gymnasiums, start sending over a few non-stars but upstanding citizens, and then while everyone is jizzing themselves to the thought of world famous superstars playing in their cities in the very short future, you start sneaking in the JR Smiths of the NBA.

This is a nightmare for foreign leaders. Now you’ve unknowingly exposed your own citizens to thugs. It's going to be like when the Europeans first gave those small pox blankets to Native Americans, entire societies completely unprepared to deal with these guys...You think Chinese bars just keep Alize and Hypnotic on the shelf? Nope. You think JR Smith is going to be cool with that? Nope. 

So now your country is no longer safe, your only hope to get rid of these guys is for the lock out to end. But the league is in financial crisis with no compromise in site. What do you do if you’re China? You kick in some money to help grease the deal. Hows a billion over 5 years sound? Boom, lockout over, and David Stern wins again.

PS: Are posse's traveling overseas with these guys? Are foreign countries allowing that? I can't picture China being all "yea, sure JR, bring over mookie, ray-ray and D-Bo, we're cool with it."

Sarah Palin Snorted Coke from an Oil Drum and Banged Glen Rice?

Daily Beast - Joe McGinniss’s highly anticipated Sarah Palin biography is almost here, and the first leaks are setting the bar pretty high: the National Enquirer reported Wednesday that the book describes Palin’s alleged drug use and sexual escapades. Among the explosive allegations: Palin smoked marijuana with a professor at Mat-Su College; she snorted cocaine off an oil drum; she had a one-night stand with NBA star Glen Rice, who reportedly confirmed the encounter to McGinniss; and she cheated on her husband, Todd, with his snowmobile dealer and business partner.

Are we sure Joe McGinniss isn't confusing real life Sarah Palin with some of the scenes from "Nailin Palin?" I mean, it's not that it wouldn't delight me to find out that after all her preaching and moral high ground bullshit she was just your average coke whore, but it just seems too much like something you'd see in a caricature based porn...Actually, it might be too extreme for that even. I mean, it's porn we're talking about, the writers aren't that creative, there's no way they'd have Fake Palin snorting blow off drums of oil, it's just so ironic it has to be true, right? Either way, I think I'll be running out to get this book.

Massachusetts Breaks Tuition Promises to Adopted Children

So smug, I hate him.

MY FOX Boston - Under the law, Catherine O'Malley's adopted daughter Alexis is supposed to receive free tuition and fees to any state college. She has all the paperwork from the state showing her daughter meets the criteria under the Massachusetts Adopted Child Tuition and Fee Waiver Program. O'Malley told FOX25 the program was put in place years ago as an incentive to encourage more people to adopt foster children. It wasn't until Alexis, a Marshfield High School graduate, had started her freshman year at Bridgewater State that she found out she would likely owe thousands more than planned because the state wasn't keeping its end of the deal. O'Malley says she found out after a visit to the school's financial office. "You should know they probably won't pay it, and I dismissed her! I said, you know, we have it in writing. I adopted her through the state. She says yeah, I know, they just don't fund it. I thought she was wrong. Of course she was wrong. I had this thing in writing! I went to court!" The State Department of Higher Education says 256 children are in the same boat. This year, only 50 to 55 percent of the fees will be covered. Hedlund says, "It is somewhat ironic that the governor has advocated very vocally for in-state tuition for families of illegal aliens and hasn't really advocated for this particular program at a time when we have much more significant need. I mean, we have five-thousand children waiting to be placed." We asked Gov. Patrick about that. He said, "We don't have in-state tuition for undocumented immigrants. Reporter: "But you proposed it." Gov. Patrick: "You know where I stand on them my opinion hasn't changed. We don't have the resources to fund the program that you're referring to 100 percent. You know that. You know we've had to make a lot of cuts but I'm proud of the fact that we're doing the very best we can in a very important program." O'Malley says, "I certainly would have sympathy for children who have had a tough time. And if his thought is that these are children of illegal aliens who have made something of themselves, they have gotten themselves into college, let's give them a leg up! I'm not opposed to that. But if you don't have money for my kid and it's in writing and my child is not an illegal alien, she's an American child who was not born into the best of circumstances and there's a law saying you have to help her. I just don't comprehend it."

Boggles the mind. This is like Scott’s Tots on The Office, only real life so its no so funny. Except our leader is as challenged as Michael Scott.

I mean how, on the one hand can you promise tuition to illegal immigrants (whether you've funded it or not, you've proposed it and you're an idiot), and on the other hand not fund a tuition program for adopted kids? How morally bankrupt can you be? And again, why? How does this help politicians at all? THEY CAN’T VOTE! Why are you pandering to them? How about supporting actual citizens who grew up in an equally challeneging environment.

It makes me legitimately angry…like if I have to see that smug asshole grin on Deval's face one more time while he dodges another fucking immigration issue I’m going to snap…Anyone from Mass knows the smile, just a “you caught me but I don’t have to answer you grin.” Gets me so irrationally angry every time its crazy. I just stew here and mutter fuck under my breath, its just so frustrating that this incompetent swindler got a second term. Incomprehensible.

State breaks tuition promises to adopted kids: MyFoxBOSTON.com

Scarlett Johannson's Nude Cell Phone Pics Being Investigaged by the FBI

This is like winning the lottery as far as working for the FBI goes

Fox News - The FBI is investigating the release of nude photos allegedly hacked from Scarlett Johannson’s phone, FoxNews.com has learned. "The FBI is aware of the alleged hacking incident and is looking into it," an FBI official told FoxNews.com. Private cell phone snaps the star allegedly took of herself surfaced on the Internet Wednesday. One photo, posted to Buzzfeed.com (NSFW), (CW Note: for any aunts/uncles, parents that are reading this, NSFW stands for NOT SAFE FOR WORK, click at your own risk) seems to show Johansson draped in nothing but a towel, taking a photo of her exposed backside reflected in a mirror. Another photo seems to show the Golden Globe-winning actress in a topless self-portrait. The FBI has reportedly been investigating hacks into as many as 50 celebs' email accounts, including those of Vanessa Hudgens and Jessica Alba. Three months ago, hackers released nude photos they claimed were of Blake Lively. Lively's rep denied the photos were of the actress and threatened to sue any web site that published the photos.

Welp, that just about seals it, girls officially cannot help taking nude shots of themselves with their cellphones. It's basically an accessory to the bathroom mirror to these girls. It boggles the mind, like these are girls that go on countless professional photo shoots, yet can't help but take grainy MySpace quality mirror shots in their bathroom and bedrooms. Why not just do Playboy and get paid if you're so anxious to photograph a boob or two?

It's not even going out on a limb to say that every actress in hollywood and popstar singer has nudes on their cellphones. It's an absolute fact. And more confounding, they know, they absolutely know, that these are going to get out. They always do. It's like the teenage girl who kept a diary and then runs and complains to their parents after someone sneaks in their room and reads it...please, its exactly what you wanted to have happen. No one in the history of earth has ever kept a diary/journal without secretly hoping someone else would read it. You wanted to share those feelings, you just didn't want to do it in a "look at me, pay attention to me" kind of way, so you wrote them down and waited for someone to sneak in and steal them so you could have the moral high ground. It's dime store psychology.

This recent spate of celebrity cellphone tit shots is the same exact thing. They want to show off their goods and still hold the moral high ground. They can't run to Playboy without catching some conservative flak, but if their cellphone happens to get hacked? Oh, poor them, what a violation of trust. Dog shit. Scarlett wanted us to look at that boob and that's exactly what we're doing.