In Honor Of Martin Luther King Jr: Top 10 Most Famous Juniors in History

CW planned on taking the day off like the rest of you presumably are, but upon realizing he'd be doing a grave injustice to the man who is responsible for giving us the best Suffix-Name based holiday on the calendar (I had planned on celebrating by just watching a Tyler Perry show, but that didn't feel like enough).  We may not have quite achieved the late Doctors dream, but we can take a second and recognize his accomplishments against the other top 10 Juniors in history:

10. Dale Earnhardt Jr - He may not be close to the driver that his Daddy was, but boy can he rack up endorsement deals, giving hope and a guiding example to sons less talented than their fathers everywhere. Proving that if your Daddy was the face of an entire industry you'll be sure to get some money out of it no matter how mediocre you are at your craft.

9. Freddie Prinze Jr - Star of pop culture phenomenons such as She's All That, Summer Catch, Scooby-Doo (1 and 2), and the final season of 24. Safe to say this second generation Freddie is one of this generations biggest superficial stars.

8. Mel Kiper Jr - Not really sure who his Dad was or why he had to throw Jr on the end of his name (seriously google it, all you can find is people asking who is Mel Kiper Sr.).  Known for making fairly obvious NFL draft day observations, perhaps his biggest contribution to society is his helmet hair style. Single handedly keeping the chosen Hair Style of news anchors of the 70's alive.

7. Cuba Gooding Jr.- Skyrocketed to fame through his phenomenal role in Jerry Maguire, largely cashed in on his fame by taking paychecks and making flop, after flop, after flop since.  Acting style relies strongly on jutting his chin out in a defiant manner.

6. Al Unser Jr. - Indy Car Racing Legend, Two time Indy 500 Champion, thumbs his nose at Dale Earnhardt Jr.  Dale, this is what the son of a racing legend is supposed to look like.

5. Al Gore Jr -Vice President, failed Presidential election run, champion of the environment, hero to Green-Granola Eating Hippies, and constant comedic target for the creators of South Park. How sad is it that this guy is the most important Jr on the list so far?

4. Cal Ripken Jr - Proved that you didn't have to be athletic to play middle infield in the major leagues.  Most famous for stealing deceased Lou Gehrig's "Iron Man" nickname upon passing his consecutive games played record.  Established Ripken baseball as alternative to the American Institution that is Little League.

3. Ken Griffey Jr - The kid.  Don't know a single kid that grew up without a Ken Griffey Jr Poster on their wall.  Inspired a generation of kids to copy his stance and bat wiggle.  Not that it helped us all swat homers, just made us look good at the plate.  Presumably the only recent member of the 500 HR club not to eat steroids.

2. CW JR -  Yours Truly.  College graduate, corporate middle manager, self made thousandaire, and founder of a fledgling blogging empire.  His story has just begun, look for him to move up further in the rankings at some point in the near future.

1. Martin Luther King Jr. - The default number one on our list, only guy who has a holiday named after him, anything that gets us a day out of work scores big points on the Alt-Tabs list of achievements. 

Jeopardy Genius' Smoked By Super Computer, End of World Imminent.

Walking into IBM's Yorktown Heights Research Center feels like entering a time capsule. The rock-covered walls and mod white chairs are super-'70s, and the wall clocks look like they belong in an old elementary school next to those clanging red bells. But the mob of journalists who arrived at the lab on Thursday came for an event that focused on cutting-edge innovation. Next month, IBM's Watson supercomputer will do battle on Jeopardy with two of the show's all-time top human champions. IBM offered a sneak peek this week at a practice round -- overseen by Alex Trebek, on a replica Jeopardy set IBM spent $1 million to build. Watson, IBM's natural-language processing supercomputer, is surprisingly cute and anthropomorphized. "He" appears as a black rectangle with a globe avatar sitting between his future rivals, Jeopardy champs Ken Jennings and Brad Rutter, who also came to Yorktown Heights for the practice bout. The Jeopardy categories appear across the screen. The round includes "A man, a plan, a canal...Erie!" and "Chicks dig me." Jennings quips, "I've never said this on TV -- 'Chicks dig me' for $300.'" The audience laughs -- and then roars when Watson later intones, "Let's finish up 'Chicks dig me.'" Watson doesn't answer any questions incorrectly, but the machine stays silent throughout the "Children's Books" category, which Jennings sweeps. The whole setup is wonderfully cute and a ton of fun, but there's a lot of advanced tech going on here. IBM says Watson could have deep implications for practical situations.

A little scenario for you:

Alex Trebek - Robots for $2,000- Answer, The Year Robots took control and the plot from The Matrix became real life.


CW - (frantically buzzing in) 2011!

Yep this it, you've tinkered too much IBM.  You've doomed man kind.  I've always said (ask anyone) the day Ken Jennings gets smoked by a computer in Jeopardy is the day I build my "the apocalypse is coming bunker."  So that's it, next you hear from me I'll be blogging from my secret underground, reinforced lair.  Everyone else better prepare for a life of slavery and organ harvesting.  This is as clear a sign yet that the Mayans were full of shit. The end of the world isn't 2012, the end of the world is now.

Wild Fox Gets Even , Shoots Polish Hunter

 Continuing this weeks theme of horryingly apocalyptic animal signs...

MOSCOW — A wounded fox shot its would-be killer in Belarus by pulling the trigger on the hunter's gun as the pair scuffled after the man tried to finish the animal off with the butt of the rifle, media said Thursday. The unnamed hunter, who had approached the fox after wounding it from a distance, was in hospital with a leg wound, while the fox made its escape, media said, citing prosecutors from the Grodno region. "The animal fiercely resisted and in the struggle accidentally pulled the trigger with its paw," one prosecutor was quoted as saying.


Frigen Foxes. All miniature and cute and cuddly looking, apparently until you try and kill it with the butt end of a gun.  It only makes sense that this 'tard was a Pollack. Knowing the hunter was Polish its only fair to point out that this wasn't exactly a fair fight. Foxes aren't known as cunning and sly for no reason, and the Polish, well, by all accounts they're dumb as shit. 

No greater example to hold up those stereotypes than a Pollack hunter turning the business end of the rile on himself and a wily fox taking advantage and pulling the trigger.  Darwin must be smiling down from heaven, just a case of Natural Selection at its finest.

Rat Bites Inmates Dick

 GARDEN CITY, N.Y. — A man who claims a rodent bit him on the penis while he was being held in a New York jail can proceed with a federal civil rights lawsuit claiming county officials should have had better pest control, a judge has ruled. Peter Solomon claims in his lawsuit against Nassau County that a rodent came out of a hole in his mattress and bit him while he was jailed in February 2007 on a charge of menacing his wife. He's a Vietnam veteran who says he was already suffering from post-traumatic stress syndrome.

I'm torn here (presumably much like this guys scrotum), on the one hand I hope most convicted felons get everything that's coming to them. On the other hand, being a guy, the idea of a rat mistaking your dickhead for a block of cheese seems like the kind of horrifying punishment that should be reserved for killers and prisoners at Gitmo. 

I think I'm going to side with the inmate here.  Prison is probably tough enough, worrying about being shanked by the Latin Kings, anally raped by the brotherhood, or orally raped by the Aryans, that's a hard enough maze of abuse to navigate.  No need to add man-eating rodents to the mix. I doubt even Andy Dufresne would have been able to survive that being thrown into the mix. Seems to be the definition of constitutionally cruel and unusual punishment.

Sega Unveils Greatest Video Game of All Time; Controlled By Urine

Sega have launched a new bathroom video game console – that is controlled by the player’s urine. Sensors on the novel device – named the ‘Toylet’ - measure the speed and intensity of the male player's water flow at the urinal. The bizarre consoles – which each have four video mini-games – will be installed at four metro stations across Tokyo, Japan. A pressure sensor in the urinal measure the strength and the location of the urine stream as it hits the basin. An LCD screen displays the graphics and rewards the strength, length and accuracy of the pee through a points system.  One of the games challenges players to blast graffiti off the wall with a high-pressure flow. Another title calculates exactly how much urine the player has produced while ‘Milk from Nose’ puts the toilet user up against the previous person in a challenge to see who has the strongest flow.n ‘The North Wind and Her’ the player lifts up a woman’s skirt with high-pressure blasts in their role as the wind. The bizarre consoles have been launched in Japan and will be installed at the first four metro stations in the next few weeks. The games are designed to make restrooms more fun – and also to keep the user’s eye on the target. Proud players are able to download their high scores onto a flash drive.  No one was available at Sega for comment.

I can see the advertising in the states now: "Move over Golden Tee, It's Time for Golden Pee."

These Toylet babies are going to sell themselves in the states, its just the logical next step in men's bathroom entertainment.  First there were newspaper clippings hung above the urinals, then they started piping in radio and music, a few years back they started putting TV's in there, and finally we have a full on Piss-Powered gaming system, the Toylet.  Brings tears to a young mans eyes.  

They'll have to update some of the game titles for the Toylet though, Americans aren't going to go for the same kinky shit that the Jap's love.  I'm not sure creating hurricane force winds with piss to blow up some girls skirt is going to keep your average male bar-goer entertained.  My first move is to replace that with the some form of an R. Kelly Role Playing-Piss Game.  That'll ensure the Toylets popularity with perverts and pop culture fanatics alike. 

Maestro's Sports Betting Cafe: NFL Teaser Picks of the Week

Unfortunately “CW” does not stand for “Consistently Winning” so your leader comes to The Maestro to provide him with gambling advice. You may say “Hey Maestro, thanks a lot for waiting till the end of the season to share your picks with us!” but it just took that long to hammer out my contract. What, do you think I’m giving all this advice to you leeches for free? Please. It’s a shame that you’re catching me at the tail end of a very profitable season and 4-1 opening playoff weekend. Unfortunately, I’m not feeling as strongly about this weekend’s games, but I’ve got no doubt I can produce some winners for the loyal readers of The Alt Tab:

The Maestros Picks of the Week Inside.

Cash For Gold Scam

 

I don't see why the folks from Cash 4 Gold are taking this guys gold rocks so lightly, same guy e-mailed me just last week about some unclaimed riches in Ghana I'm due, apparently he's some kind of financial genius, I should be receiving my first installment of cash next week, going to use it to spruce up the blog a bit.  See below"

"Attn: CEO (that's me),

My name is Mr.Jonathan Dunkor, I work with Security Company here in Republic of Ghana and would like to present a Business Proposal for your consideration.
I have Two metallic trunk boxes deposited to our company with a total amount of US$49,400,000.00 in cash
This boxes in question has not been claim by the Foreign Beneficiary for a period of Four (4) years till date. All my efforts to locate the Beneficiary
in his Oversees Address prove abortive. Therefore, I am set to find a Partner to claim the consignments with a sharing ratio of 50-50. Should you
be interested, you are hereby advised to send me your direct telephone numbers for discussion of this offer in full details.
I do hereby anticipate your response as soon as possible
Thank you.

Warmest regards
Mr.Jonathan Dunkor "

Yep, I'm an African Millionaire.

Rant of the Week (Ok, So I haven't Been Keeping Up Weekly, Whatever)

Dishes In the Work Kitchen - I'm not talking about the occasional mug or bowl or anything pedestrian here. I'm looking at you, lady washing out an entire sinks worth of dirty dishes and tupperware.  What the hell did you do for lunch, feed your entire team? Or did you bring in your families dishes from home to save on hot water costs? Either way,  you see me standing here with my cheesy hands and an empty bag of cheetos, think you could move out of the way for two seconds so I can wash up and get back to work?  Not like I have all day to stand here and watch you carry out your domestic duties. If you wanted to do dishes so frigen badly why not just tell hubby you want to be a stay at home mom?


People Who Say "I'm Well" - Well laty-frigen-dah.  I don't care if its the proper way to say it, we're American, this isn't Jolly Olde England. We say I'm good here.  I immediately take back being polite and asking how you're doing if you respond to me with "I'm Well." Learn some manners, stop being so smug.


The Cast of The Bachelor - No, I don't watch the bachelor, and neither should you.  But if your gf/wife does and you happen to catch some of what is going on in the background you'll know what I'm talking about.  What is with these crazy ass broads? Where does ABC find them?  "I'm now ready to commit myself to true love." Please, then what are you doing all dolled up on national television you money grubbing whore.  Normal people don't find their "true love" by sharing a guy with 30 other woman, acting like a floozy, and dressing like a high class escort.  Give me a break. The only difference between these girls and a groupy waiting outside a celebrity packed night club is that the groupie doesn't have to see the 25 other girls the dude has hooked up with in the past week.  Have some self respect.


Everything About Paula Abdul - Hopefully most of you are just nodding at this one, I'm not sure that an explanation is necessary but just in case...I'm completely befuddled how a woman so unstable, so seemingly drugged up or drunk at all times, was able to convince a national network to give her a starring role in a prime time television show after basically being forced off her last show due to her maniacal behavior.  I guess I underestimated America's desire to watch a train wreck in person.  Is that the lesson here? Should CW be wandering the streets in some sort of crazy person get up (robe and boxers I guess) drunkly spouting off rants or conspiracy theories?...well actually yes, they'd probably call me Ted Williams and give me national advertising offers on the spot...only in America.

SuperCuts VS Great Clips - Most Blatant Ripoff of All Time?

 I'd be pissed right now if I were SuperCuts.  These bastards move into your territory, openly mock your franchise name, and no one seems to care or notice? 

Seriously, Google Great Clips and SuperCuts together.  There is not one outraged site or rant about Great Clips just moving in on SuperCuts already established market for Superlative based hair designs.  You guys gotta stick up for yourselves.  That shit would mean war to me, prissy beauty school graduates should be battling in the streets, buzzers, shears and hot irons drawn just wreaking havoc.

I may knock SuperCuts and mock those of you older than 14 that still make monthly trips to SuperCuts instead of manning up and finding a barber, but I'll be damned if I ever see someone walking into  a Great Clips.  How little self respect do you have to have at that point? Though I'm still completely against it, if you're going to choose a glorified chain salon (guys its not a barbershop, its a salon, that's weak) don't you at least choose the best one of those? Everyone knows "Super" is a far better superlative than "Great".  Show at least a little class.  If you see a Target and a Wal-mart right next to each other you at least choose the Target right?  No one would openly choose to walk into a Wal-Mart store of squalor if there was a slightly better choice right next door, same rule applies here (again, assuming you're still haven't grown up and found a barbershop). 

PS: Yes this blog has had an odd number of hair cut related posts since its inception, I find it odd as well.