Rant of the Week (Ok, So I haven't Been Keeping Up Weekly, Whatever)

Dishes In the Work Kitchen - I'm not talking about the occasional mug or bowl or anything pedestrian here. I'm looking at you, lady washing out an entire sinks worth of dirty dishes and tupperware.  What the hell did you do for lunch, feed your entire team? Or did you bring in your families dishes from home to save on hot water costs? Either way,  you see me standing here with my cheesy hands and an empty bag of cheetos, think you could move out of the way for two seconds so I can wash up and get back to work?  Not like I have all day to stand here and watch you carry out your domestic duties. If you wanted to do dishes so frigen badly why not just tell hubby you want to be a stay at home mom?


People Who Say "I'm Well" - Well laty-frigen-dah.  I don't care if its the proper way to say it, we're American, this isn't Jolly Olde England. We say I'm good here.  I immediately take back being polite and asking how you're doing if you respond to me with "I'm Well." Learn some manners, stop being so smug.


The Cast of The Bachelor - No, I don't watch the bachelor, and neither should you.  But if your gf/wife does and you happen to catch some of what is going on in the background you'll know what I'm talking about.  What is with these crazy ass broads? Where does ABC find them?  "I'm now ready to commit myself to true love." Please, then what are you doing all dolled up on national television you money grubbing whore.  Normal people don't find their "true love" by sharing a guy with 30 other woman, acting like a floozy, and dressing like a high class escort.  Give me a break. The only difference between these girls and a groupy waiting outside a celebrity packed night club is that the groupie doesn't have to see the 25 other girls the dude has hooked up with in the past week.  Have some self respect.


Everything About Paula Abdul - Hopefully most of you are just nodding at this one, I'm not sure that an explanation is necessary but just in case...I'm completely befuddled how a woman so unstable, so seemingly drugged up or drunk at all times, was able to convince a national network to give her a starring role in a prime time television show after basically being forced off her last show due to her maniacal behavior.  I guess I underestimated America's desire to watch a train wreck in person.  Is that the lesson here? Should CW be wandering the streets in some sort of crazy person get up (robe and boxers I guess) drunkly spouting off rants or conspiracy theories?...well actually yes, they'd probably call me Ted Williams and give me national advertising offers on the spot...only in America.

SuperCuts VS Great Clips - Most Blatant Ripoff of All Time?

 I'd be pissed right now if I were SuperCuts.  These bastards move into your territory, openly mock your franchise name, and no one seems to care or notice? 

Seriously, Google Great Clips and SuperCuts together.  There is not one outraged site or rant about Great Clips just moving in on SuperCuts already established market for Superlative based hair designs.  You guys gotta stick up for yourselves.  That shit would mean war to me, prissy beauty school graduates should be battling in the streets, buzzers, shears and hot irons drawn just wreaking havoc.

I may knock SuperCuts and mock those of you older than 14 that still make monthly trips to SuperCuts instead of manning up and finding a barber, but I'll be damned if I ever see someone walking into  a Great Clips.  How little self respect do you have to have at that point? Though I'm still completely against it, if you're going to choose a glorified chain salon (guys its not a barbershop, its a salon, that's weak) don't you at least choose the best one of those? Everyone knows "Super" is a far better superlative than "Great".  Show at least a little class.  If you see a Target and a Wal-mart right next to each other you at least choose the Target right?  No one would openly choose to walk into a Wal-Mart store of squalor if there was a slightly better choice right next door, same rule applies here (again, assuming you're still haven't grown up and found a barbershop). 

PS: Yes this blog has had an odd number of hair cut related posts since its inception, I find it odd as well.

Toss Up: Stars of the 80's and 90's Before Their Time or Stars of Youtube After Their Time?

Serious question I've been pondering lately.  Did the stars of the late 80's-Early 90's arrive before their time? Or are today's Youtube sensations all basking in the fading light of their glow? 

The answer? No. If anything the stars of the 80's would have been enormous mega-stars today. Far greater than anything they achieved during their brief 15 minutes.

Take Right Said Fred (pictured above), guy had a smash hit (or as much of a hit as you could have during the cassette tape days) with "I'm to Sexy" but would he have been even more popular during the youtube age?  Everything about the video screams youtube production. Said Fred probably would have made all the usual tour stops, G4, Tosh.0, the Soup, mocked on Southpark etc... and his web hits would have made the 2~million or so views that the video currently has look like spare change.

Don't believe me? Check out Samwell's "What What in the Butt" Video".  Really a perfect comparison, aside from about being 20 years apart there really isn't too much of a difference between the two songs.  35+Million Freaking Views! 35 million!  Sorry, Said Fred, you'll never be that popular.  Even if you added up all the times your video played on MTV, your few appearances at Spring Break, and cassette tapes sold you won't touch that number.  Pretty sure only Michael Jackson reached those heights in the 80's (coincidentally enough I can't think of anyone from the 80's 90's crossover period who could have taken advantage of Youtube more than MJ, you know before the whole child molesting situation took over). 

Numa-Numa dude, Samwell, and Chocolate Rain guy (61 million views!) all cashed in at just the right time.  Devo, Flock of Seaguls, the afforementioned Said Fred and to some extent Salt-N-Pepa may have paved the road for these guys, but the stars of Youtube burn far brighter than and of the 80's-90's crossovers could have ever dreamed.

Airline Passenger Is Toughest French Citizen Since Napoleon

The French even back down to their own street signs.

The Smoking Gun - In what will only enforce the belief that some French citizens are saddled with an insufferable insouciance, federal air marshals had to subdue an intoxicated man flying to New York from Nice when he repeatedly shoved a female flight attendant who caught him smoking in the plane’s bathroom. After being handcuffed, suspect Franck Lebrun announced, “I’m French, fuck you!” The disruption aboard a January 8 Delta Air Lines flight is detailed in a federal criminal complaint charging Lebrun with interfering with a flight crew member. According to FBI Agent Janet Ambrisco, during the flight Lebrun, 34, purchased a one-liter bottle of Baileys Irish Crème liquor and a mini bottle of liquor. The bottle of Baileys, only one-fourth filled, was found in his carry-on baggage. When Lebrun--screaming, yelling, and smelling of “cigarettes and alcohol”--got into a fighting stance opposite an air marshal (one of three on the transatlantic flight), he was handcuffed and moved to the rear of the airplane. During the trip, Ambrisco noted, Lebrun had been “speaking in a confrontational manner using expletives in English and made other comments in French.”

I call bullshit on this guy being French.  They had me going with the drinking and the smoking, but if there is one thing about the French that I know, its that they roll over quicker than the neighborhood dog at the first sign of potential conflict or physical force.  

The French are pussies. "Oh hey Nazi forces, you want to set up camp down town? Those are some big tanks you have, I guess that would be ok", "The war in Vietnam is getting a bit deadly? Ehh, bring out troops back home, they could use a vacation anyway."  The Frogs haven't stood up in the face of conflict since their midget leader Napoleon was trapsing all over the globe.  I highly doubt this guy finally decided to defend his national heritage just because he wasn't allowed to smoke on a plane.

More likely this was just your average drunk, jackass American, using American ingenuity to deflect negative attention away from America.  Now that's patriotism. 

Brett Favre's Sister, Brandi Favre, Busted In Crystal Meth Ring

DIAMONDHEAD, Miss. — Police say the 34-year-old sister of Vikings quarterback Brett Favre faces drug charges after she was arrested in a raid on a Mississippi condo where people were making crystal methamphetamine. Maj. Matt Karl of the Hancock County Sheriff's Office said Wednesday that Brandi Favre was among five people arrested in Diamondhead. He says she will be charged with manufacturing methamphetamine and generating hazardous waste.

Sure Brandi Favre may have only pushed Brett temporarily off center stage for turning tricks and baking crystal meth (ok the turning tricks part is made up, but lets be real, is there a single meth-head out there who hasn't swapped a little sucky-sucky for some crispity-crunchity-car battery-acidy-crystal meth? Catchy, right?)?  You don't think Brett is cooking up a batch of his own? Guy probably called Nate Newton the second he heard  these allegations to teach him everything there is to know about the drug smuggling game.

God only knows what this guy is going to do to steal the head lines back from his sister. The guy clearly can't deal with the sports media showering attention on any other NFL QB's, how on earth is he going to cope with his own sibling taking the spot light away from him.  

When Big Ben was arrested twice over the course of a few seasons for sexually assaulting Pittsburgh area grenades did Brett sit idly by? No, he went out and assaulted and harassed women within a 25 mile radius of The Meadow Lands.  It's not his fault the stories just hit the media this year, if anything I'd guess he'd been pushing these stories for two years now.  Probably killed him inside that ESPN kept their lips firmly wrapped around his tip and buried the allegations for so long.

So what does this all mean? Well it means if I were running the Mississippi DEA I'd be damn sure I had a task force assigned to Brett, tapping his phones waiting for that first long distance phone call to Columbia. It's only a matter of time.

Terrible Day for Bald Men Everywhere: Bald Cure Causes Impotence

Boston.com - Baldness or loss of sexual function? That's the choice some men face when considering taking a pill called finasteride (Propecia) to stop their hair from thinning, according to researchers at Boston University School of Medicine. The drug is also used to treat a benign enlarged prostate condition...They also reported a case of a 24-year-old man who took the drug for male pattern baldness and then developed a total loss of sexual function that remained irreversible even after he stopped taking the drug and tried Viagra.

Well that's some choice:  Bald - Do you want to only  have a shot uggo's and desparate much older woman for the rest of your life? Impotent - Do you not want to have a shot at woman, ever.  Obviously you go with baldness but what the hell? Modern science hasn't advanced enough to create a drug that cures hair loss while not affecting sexual performance?  What is the point of even creating a drug for hair loss? The main reason guys take the shit is to increase their attractiveness, the whole thing is moot if it comes packaged with a convenient case of ED.

How quickly do you think Rogaine slaps this information into their next commercial? They're working on it right now I hope.  Sometimes golden advertising opportunities just slap you accross the face I guess.

British Travel Company Offering Hitler Tour Vacations...Is This Real?

Gadling - Would you spend $3100 to tour sites only associated with Nazi leader Adolf Hitler? One British tour group put together a trip that does just that, and is under fire by critics over the distasteful offering. The tour includes more than just visiting a few concentration camps, which is common on many other tour groups through Germany. The concentration camps, which for many are a must-see when in Germany, are a significant part of history. But can you say the same for Hitler's lakeside villa where he planned the Sachsenhausen concentration camp? That's one stop on the Hitler tour, along with the spot where Hitler committed suicide.

So here's a question, do the police agencies in Europe just take down the information of everyone who goes on this vacation and keep tabs on them for later, or do they arrest you mid vacation to prevent you from launching your hate crime career fresh off your genocidal inspiration tour?  Because there are precisely three types of people who are going to take this tour. 1) Wanna be historians, 2) Weirdos with a serious morbidity problem, 3)Skin-heads and neo-nazi entrepreneurs.

Funny thing is, I was just openly wondering how long it would take for Adolf to become an acceptable name again.  Like another 50-100 years? Is that reasonable (yes these are the kinds of things I wonder about while in the shower)?

Charlie Sheen At It Again, Just Charlie being Charlie

Forget "Two and a Half Men" -- TMZ has learned Charlie Sheen has hooked up with three whole porn stars in Las Vegas -- all at the same time ... during what we're being told is an epic bender. We've learned Charlie hooked up with the three women -- who are in Vegas for a porn convention. The foursome is holed up at The Palms Hotel and Casino. As TMZ first reported, Sheen was seen today hammering down Grey Goose Vodka in the hotel bar. Charlie is due back on the set tomorrow, and everyone around him -- from studio execs to members of his team -- is deeply concerned for his welfare and wants him to go to rehab. As far as we know ... Sheen hasn't checked in with anyone today.

People relax, Charlie sheen has been at this game for years, its just part of who he is...would you really respect him if he wasn't true to himself at this point?  Besides I don't see anything truly wrong here, guys not married, how is this any different than Hugh Heffners daily life?  

But anyway, that's not what grabbed my attention here, it was this line:

"TMZ has learned Charlie Sheen has hooked up with three whole porn stars in Las Vegas"

Does TMZ care to explain this?  Is there a way to hook up with half a person?  A quarter? I really want to know what this means because I'm baffled.  Are there people who are half pornstar, and half genuine person? That can't be, everyone knows hookers and pornstars aren't real people, they're dead inside. Someone clue me in so I can get this off my mind.

Boston Modifying Ambulances for Overly Fat People

 

I'm guessing they're talking about this guy and his ilk

 (CBS/AP)  Boston's ambulance service has modified one of its vehicles so it can handle the increasing number of obese patients that require transportation. Officials say Boston Emergency Medical Services has to take anywhere from two to four patients weighing at least 450 pounds to area hospitals per week.  Capt. Jose Archila told The Boston Globe he's seen patients as much as 700 pounds.  Experts say obese patients can put the health of paramedics in danger, who can injure their backs and necks lifting and moving the overweight.  Paramedic Russ Smith told the Globe he had displaced two vertebrae and strained his back muscles while transporting a woman who weighed at least 400 pounds.  The modified Boston ambulance that hits the streets later this month includes a hydraulic lift.  A stretcher that can bear the weight of 850 pounds, costing $8,000, is also included.  It cost about $12,000 to retrofit the vehicle. 

 I'm sorry, what? The back of an ambulance is essentially a frigen box truck sized cargo area.  If you cant fit back there I'm fairly certain medical attention isn't going to do you any good.  How many pulleys and crank levers do you think this thing is equipped with to be able to lift these heffers into the back of the truck?  Might as well just lease a crane from the Suffolk Construction company.  

It feels as if this is something the 500+ LBS Club should have to handle on their own.  If you need special ambulances, reinforced with US Army Tank technology, that should be a privately funded service. Like if it's becoming that much of a problem that your fellow lard asses are dying because they can't fit into the ambulances maybe you take a step back and realize the size of the ambulance isn't the problem, more likely its the circumference of your gut.

And $8,000 for a Shamu sized reinforced stretcher? How much does a normal stretcher cost $100? $150?  Are my taxes paying for that? Or is there some kinda special "Morbidly Fat Person" clause in Obama's new health care laws. That's about the value of my SUV, how tricked out can this bed on wheels be?  Something tells me the city is getting hosed on that deal.