Last Minute Shopping: A Tale of Two Malls

Mission accomplished.  That would have been the title of this blog had I just stuck to the script and visited only one mall.  Unfortunately somewhere along the way I got too cocky, thought I could rise above the holiday madness, and decided to journey on to a second mall.  This was a big mistake. 

Upon arriving at the first mall (Square 1 Mall for those of you who are wondering) CW noted the ease of parking and lack of crowds (compared to what was expected anyway).  Items were briskly acquired at a pace of one every 6:03 minutes. An excellent pace, should have been home by lunch.  Things, however, would take a horrible turn at the last store on the list. 

Lacking the item I was searching for I had the manager check out back, big surprise, it wasn't there either (I'm fairly certain nothing is kept out back at any store).  The manager insisted on calling another location nearby, I foolishly allowed this.  Emboldened with the news that the other store had the item I was in pursuit of I forged on, northward to the Burlington Mall (if this were accompanied by audio you'd hear ominous thunder and howling winds forshadowing the events to come).  

Though my GPS monitors traffic I ignored its numerous robotic pleas to exit the highway prematurely and travel on the back road.  "I know better than a machine" I thought.  No, I don't.  Approximately 1.5 miles prior to the exit traffic came to a stand still.  Faced with sitting in traffic and being overcome with road rage I did what any sensible masshole would do, switched lanes, sped ahead, and cut back onto the exit ramp at the last second.  "This isn't going to be so bad after all" I thought.  Yes it was.  

Three traffic jams in the parking lot later I had finally found a parking spot.  Upon exiting my vehicle I peered into the distance, I saw what looked to be the mall roughly 1 Klick in the distance.  It was at this time I regretted not packing a holiday shopping survival kit.  Failing to have worn suitable outdoor apparel for the snow squall I was facing I briskly jogged through the parking lot, dodging cars and unruly children alike until I reached the entrance.  

Upon entering the large department store my spirits immediately sunk.  Not only was the store not set up in the same manner as the previous one, but this one had an additional 3rd floor.  Downtrodden but still determined I set out on foot to navigate the maze of perfume sprayers, floor sales people, and obnoxiously ignorant customers.  

Finally, midway through the second floor I found the item I had been questing for.  Hurriedly rushing to the cashiers counter I noted that I had 15 minutes before the morning sale was over and the price spiked back upward.  "Perfect timeing," I foolishly thought.

As is typical in large department stores the cashiers counter was undermanned by two senior citizen women, spending more time gabbing, bagging, and struggling to read their computer screen monitor than actually checking people out.  Anxiously I watched the minutes run down on the sale I had journeyed so far for.  27 minutes later I reached the counter, twelve minutes after the sale had ended.  After a few minutes of angrily haggling and a few defiant glares and demands to see a manger I got the sale price.  My quest was over, or so I thought. 

Famished, parched, and quite light headed at this point, I sat miserably in the very same  parking lot traffic jams I had dealt with on the way in as I searched for an exit, and an escape from this cursed land.

Upon finally reaching the highway I muttered the very same words I say every year around this time "I'm doing my shopping early and online next year."  If only I'd heed my own advice.  

UCONN Women Win 89th Straight, As Impressive As UCLA?

There's been a lot of talk in recent days about how the Uconn womens basketball team's current win streak of 89 and counting measures up with the UCLA men's team streak from way back in the day of 88.  And even more talk about how its not getting enough attention in the media because its a woman's team.  Well I got the message loud and clear, you want coverage, I'll give you coverage.  

For the most part I think Uconn coach Geno Auriemma is dead on in his assessment.  Yes, the streak isn't getting nearly the attention that a men's team on a similar streak would get. And yes, it's because the woman's game isn't as entertaining, relevant, or as impressive as a men's team would be if they were pulling this off today. Sorry, just delivering the message.

Stressing the today is the important though.  Because I really believe their streak is as impressive as the old UCLA streak of the 1970's, and will be more impressive if they can reach the 100 straight mark.

Mens college basketball back then was not the same as it is today.  Now even shit teams get multiple nationally televised games per year, raising the status of their programs and enhancing their recruiting tools.  Back then?  UCLA was one of a handful of teams to get national television exposure on a consistent basis, this gave them a tremendous advantage in recruiting battles, landing top recruit after top recruit.  Sound familiar?  Uconn has had this same advantage and employed it to their benefit for well over a decade now, continuing to be destination of choice for star recruits each year.

More evidence that men's game of the 70's was just as diluted as the women's game of today?  During their streak the UCLA men faced 18 top 20 teams during their streak.  Uconn has faced 29 and counting.  That's about three less per season.  Three less chances of facing an opponent that actually has the potential to match up against you.   Uconn's margin of victory (while playing stiffer competition): 32.4 (only two single digit victories), UCLA's: 23.5.   UCLA didn't face a conference tournament at the end of season, UCLA's NCAA tourney was made up of fewer teams than the current field (less land mines to navigate).   

So yes, this Uconn streak is at least as impressive as the UCLA streak of the 1970's.  Similarly diluted fields of competition make the two era's remarkably similar in this bloggers opinion.  Told you we here at the 'Tab believe in women's equality.  

Holiday Shopping as a Robber

Sometimes the internet just tosses you an early Christmas gift.  Here I was all set to type up a blog about my pending Christmas Shopping excursion planned for today and this baby just falls in my lap, literally the first video I watched this morning.

That's easily the most I've laughed at a video in a long time.  And not the kind of forced laugh that you make when you're watching something with others so you fit in or don't look like you don't understand the humor.  This was genuine humor.   The reactions were priceless, and said a lot about the people. 

Like how about the difference between the Asian guy at :48 seconds and the other one at :58 seconds.  First guy clearly grew up in China town and is classically trained in Kung Fu.  He never felt threatened at all, just escorted the potential robber out the door calmly like it was no big deal, didn't even seem agitated.  The second guy?  Clearly too Americanized.  Just running away and asking questions later.  Not quite the pussy as all the other white people in the video, he did stand there and face him while on the cell phone, but still, an iron gate? You've brought great shame to your fore-fathers. 

As for me?  Definitely would have reacted like those guys at :36 seconds.  Just turn and sprint as fast as you can. The chic can fend for herself under the desk.  The Alt-Tabs believes in woman's equality.  I'd be degrading generations of woman who fought for woman's rights if I stuck around to help her out.

PS: I'll be back with a wrap up of my shopping excursion this afternoon.  I don't want to promise entertainment, thats too much pressure for my pedestrian writing skills to live up too, but it should be mildly interesting at a minimum.

First Snow Came Yesterday, Bad Drivers and Facebook Updates Followed

So yesterday was the first real snow fall of the year. And in traditional fashion drivers all around Greater Boston freaked out and screwed up everyones commute. Happens every year on the first snow storm, no matter how little snow we actually get.   Pretty standard play, been going on for decades so I'm told, but there's been a new wrinkle these past few years.  'Tards facebooking their status updates while stuck in the traffic jam. 

You couldn't log on to facebook yesterday without seeing at least 3 or 4 updates of people bitching and moaning about how long its taking them to get home. Umm, hello? You don't think you're contributing to the problem as you update your status while stuck in traffic in the middle of a snow storm? Pretty sure you're not the model of safe and efficient driving in that case. 

And this isn't to let off all the other captain obviouses who waited until they get home to update their status about how bad the drive was. I could understand if you were upset if you had somewhere to be or were missing out on something, but chances are your night was going to be pathetic anyway if the first thing you did when you got out of your car for the first time in 2 hours was rush to your computer to update your status.  Pretty sure that microwaveable mac & cheese and DVR'd episode of CSI were still waiting for you when you finally got home. 

And everyone's got that one friend that drives an absolute shit box (think something like a 98 Chevy Cavelier) that bitches about everyone driving slow even though the storms not that bad.  Pipe down asshole, a strong gust of wind could cause your car to break down,  you're lucky you even made it up the on ramp nevermind complaining about everyone else being cautious. 

Last Minute Gift Ideas? Try Tully Banta Cain Gear

All this time I thought Tully Banta Cain was just an all or nothing pass rusher for the New England Patriots.  I had no idea he had mogul aspirations the likes of which only Jay-Z and possibly Diddy can compare with. 


And for all I know his clothing line could be bigger than Polo by Ralph Lauren and his music the phattest sound I've ever heard.  But I don't know.  Because Tully's web design skills (or whoever he hired) aren't worth dick.   I'm not exactly bragging about my site, but at least my links work and its not full of empty pages. The guys rap name is Nova-Cain, yet the link on TullyBantaCain.Com is for www.Noca-cain.com.  That site doesn't exist, neither does the properly spelled Nova-Cain.com.  A quick google search does nothing to clear the issue up either.  As far as I can tell there is upwards of 5 fledgling (WEEI's words not mine, but its never a good thing to hear your music career described as fledgling) rappers using the name Nova Cain or some variation of it. 


As for the clothing line, Black Klown Clothier, well the site www.blacklownclothier.com doesn't exist either, but I did at least manage to track down the "Klothing" line elsewhere.  If you're in the market for an urban inspired T-shirt or members only type jacket this holiday season this may be just the site you were looking for. 


Gotta tighten up your Internet presence Tully, I know you've got time on the sidelines during obvious rushing downs, crack open a laptop and do some work.

Anyone Wake For the Total Lunar Eclipse Last Night?

Fox News - In 1638, Harvard University had just been founded, the Salem witch trials had yet to begin, Galileo had just lost his eyesight -- and the moon was blotted out by the shadow of the Earth.It was also the solstice, a celestial coincidence that wouldn't happen again for another 372 years. Not until tonight.  So break out the flashlights. Because when a full lunar eclipse takes place on the shortest day of the year, North America may get awfully dark.

No, I didn't either.  Know why I didn't care about this "once every 372 years event?" Because they always tell you it hasn't happened in "a ridiculously long time" despite the fact that it seems to happen every 6-9 months.  Cut the shit.  Seriously every time there is an eclipse all the news outlets freak out and start spouting on about how this its a once in a life time event.  No its not.  I'll catch it when it happens again in June.  I don't care if this one is slightly different than that one, I'm not standing out in my front yard with the frigen Hubble telescope, am I really going to notice the difference just by eye sight?  No. 

You know what is a once in a life time event? Halley's Comet.  Let me know when that comes around again, otherwise calm the hype down a bit.

Is This Very Ke$ha Christmas Video Real?

I guess not, the video is by College Humor so it's obviously a parody, but the fact that I had to stop and think about it for a second while I was watching it is all that really needs to be said about Kesha (yea I'm dropping the $ sign from her name from here forward, you're a blonde white girl, get over it).  Anytime a low budget parody of one of your songs can easily be confused for your actual song you've got to seriously question your artistic integrity.  

This got me thinking about all the weirdo-girl artists there are out there now.  Its like the bizarro late 90's where you had normal teen tart pop stars Britney, Christina, Mandy Moore, and probably a couple others that I've forgoten by now.  They've been replaced by a slew of weirdo "artists" Gaga, Kesha, Rihanna, Katy and even to a lesser extent Fergie  Just a really bizarre pop music scene right now full of horrendous outfits.  I may be swinging into Grumpy Old Man mode but I miss the days when pop stars were famous for their risque lyrics and their innocent looks that caught the attention of teens and pedophiles alike.  Now it seems like all you have to do is see how many odd ball props you can attach to a leotard and wait around for someone to notice.

Does this mean I don't secretly blast her songs when I'm by myself driving some where? No, I still do that, you know you do too. 

Neil Patrick Harris and Assange Twins?

 


Am I really still the only one that sees this?  First time I saw this Assange guy I just shook my head and said figures.  Guy probably learned everything he knows about computer hackery from watching NPH on Doogie Howser.  You thought Doogie's medical skills were unbelieveable for a 16 year old? The kid was writing blogs at the end of every show back in 1989!  A true visionary, decades before his time.  He might as well have invented the internet for all intents and purposes.

"Who You Finna Try" Lady Got Off Easy

I'm not one to condone hitting a woman, but this bitch had a lot more coming than a simple antiquing.  Its people like this that really illustrate the need for some sort of exemption rule for domestic violence laws.  If I were on the jury I'd have found this guy innocent of anything short of something involving him burying her in his backyard.

Should be some kinda statute for size restrictions too, for that matter.  That woman looked like she had an easy 100 lbs on me.  That's gotta be on next years ballot.  If an annoying as fuck woman outweighs you by 50+ pounds you have every right to treat her like you would any other obnoxious man.