Office Etiquette Tips: Food at a Meeting

We've all been there.  The early morning meeting with coffee/bagels/donuts, the luncheon with pizza and finger sandwiches, or the nooner w/ cookies, cake and pie.  When, what, and how much to eat can be a nightmare to navigate for some.  

Not me. I possess a curious level of self confidence in situations where I really have no business being so confident.  Maybe I'm just ignorant to situations where I should feel out of place, or maybe I'm really that much better than most, either way I'm here today to share some tips for navigating this little slice of corporate life.  As is my style, we're going to break this one down into three phases, When, What, and How Much.

When - Right away.  You want to set the pace and make everyone adjust to your strategy. You don't want to be the guy caught on his heels and then proceed to hold up the meeting as everyone is waiting for you to finish fixing your plate.  Bosses want to see aggressive, proactive people.  Even if you're dumb as shit and suck at your job this is your time to shine.  Girls need to be even more aggressive.  Despite all the progress you've made the power balance still generally tips towards men in the office.  You need to get in their and mix it up early to show you can hang with the swinging dicks of the office.

What - There's two schools of thought here. 1) Similar to a business luncheon at a restaurant, just get whatever you see your boss getting.  Tried and true method, nothing flashy, just a safe play.  2) Pick the best, most self indulging option.  Shows no fear.  You know what you want and you're going to get it.  Will impress your higher-ups and intimidate your peers. I prefer this route if you have upward aspirations. 

How Much - There's a bit of a double standard here, I'm not going to apologize for it, its just the way it is.  Girls, too often you make the mistake of not eating, this shows meekness and a lack of self confidence. We will not think you're fat if you grab a plate with the rest of us.  We will think you're fat if you grab a second helping though, so make sure you grab everything you want the first time through. I don't make the rules, its just the way it is, don't kill the messenger.  Guys, it comes back to aggressiveness.  If everyone's gotten their first round feel free to go up for seconds.  Only rule at play here is you must avoid the food coma.  No one in history has ever been promoted after needing to be rolled out of a meeting while drooling on themselves. 

The only hiccup you could run into is the rare situation when corporate decides to serve up ethnic foods.  If you can stomach it, follow the rules above.  If ethnic foods wreak havoc on your digestive system then claim heartburn.  In my experience any other excuse comes off racist. 

That's it, that should cover just about any situation you run into. You're on your own from here.

The Rent is Too Damn High

I'm not sure how this guy isn't the governor of New York right now.  NY doesn't want him that's their loss, come on up to Boston, The Rent is Too Damn High here too.  Say what you want, he's a lunatic, looks homeless (probably due to rent that was too damn high), or that he's a loose cannon.  But just make sure you're not saying it to his face, he's a karate expert.  

If there was a way to get Phil Davison on the TRITDH (The Rent Is Too Damn High) party ticket these guys could make a run at the White House together. Of course the rent is probably too damn high there too.

Generation of Nincompoops

Before some asshole points out that this article's been around for a few weeks now, know that I realize this.  I've been busy, running a blogging empire third world country is time consuming.

NEW YORK—Second-graders who can't tie shoes or zip jackets. Four-year-olds in Pull-Ups diapers. Five-year-olds in strollers. Teens and preteens befuddled by can openers and ice-cube trays. College kids who've never done laundry, taken a bus alone or addressed an envelope...Mark Bauerlein, author of the best-selling book "The Dumbest Generation," which contends that cyberculture is turning young people into know-nothings, says "the absence of technology" confuses kids faced with simple mechanical tasks. But Bauerlein says there's a second factor: "a loss of independence and a loss of initiative." He says that growing up with cell phones and Google means kids don't have to figure things out or solve problems any more. They can look up what they need online or call mom or dad for step-by-step instructions. 

Cut the shit you old bag.  When's the last time you took up some of your grandparents daily chores?  Churned butter or skinned a chicken lately?  How about fiddling with the antenna to pick up tv reception, or getting up and manually changing the channel?  I'm pretty sure you didn't dust off the old typewriter for your article either, and you can't be happy at all that your cranky old lady rantings were published on the world wide web instead of in print.  And complaining about Pull-Ups?  Would you rather be rinsing your grandkids shit out of cotton underwear?

If kids really don't understand how an ice cube tray or can opener work then I blame their lazy parents.  But everything else in this article is just your typical run of the mill rantings from a cranky old person who is quickly realizing how useless their skills are in today's society. 

Look, I don't blame you for giving up on keeping up with all the worlds advances, there's a lot going on.  But if you've reached the point where you've decided to give up on life then spare us your verbal diarrhea and fade into Bolivia.  Yes we grew up with cell phones and that mysterious google thing.  So no, we don't need to carry around personal contact books and rolls of quarters to get in touch with people, or waste hours reading crappy instruction manuals when we need to solve a problem.  If you feel like wasting your time on these unnecessary tasks go right ahead. While you're at it why don't you hand wash my laundry.

Your life was more efficient and advanced than your parents, its the same for us.  Now excuse me, my Pull-Up needs changing.

Joan Rivers?

WFXT - New York Post -- Some women think of their husbands' moms as monsters-in-law and would do almost anything -- including having a root canal -- to get out of spending time with them, the New York Post reported Monday...When asked who they might like to have as a mother-in-law, 17 percent of the women said they would like Hillary Rodham Clinton, 16 percent said reality-show star Kris Kardashian Jenner, 9 percent said Sarah Palin and 7 percent said Joan Rivers.

Really Ladies?  You don't think that the problem could be related to your deranged, delusional, irrational thoughts on this one?  I know there can be mother in laws out there that are absolute bitches to deal with but Joan Rivers, Sarah Palin, Hillary, and Kris Kardashian?  If you were starting a mother in laws from hell basketball team that would be four of your starting five (the fifth being the mother in law from Everyone Loves Raymond). Lets just break each one down real quick:

Rivers - Bitch of all Bitches. Would critique your appearance every chance she got

Palin - Definition of an overachiever, 3 kids, a grandkid and a Nationally Mocked admired idiot politician. So you'd have that to live up to.

Hillary - Cold as ice personality and the ultimate perfectionist. Good luck warming up to her.

Kris Kardashian - Great if you're looking for your mother in law to whore you out the way she has done and continues to do with her daughters.

Just further proof that girls are usually their own worst enemy when it comes to relationships (that and you're watching entirely too much reality television).  I'm not saying guys don't have their faults too, but if this survey is any indication,  you girls are on a whole other level of crazy.

Animal Kingdom Strikes Back

Great Parenting here, encourage the girl to lure the gigantic Lion, lie to her and tell her the lion likes her and wants to kiss her after he tried to end her life and then teach your kids to be voyeurs while you record it taking a piss.  Don't be too surprised the first time you find out your daughter is into golden showers later in life. Either that or she becomes one of those deranged wilderness people who live with Tigers and Lions for fun (or because they're insane from childhood experiences such as this).

Huge week for the animals though, Lions scaring the shit out of little girls, Flying barracudas wreaking havoc on tourists who dare cross their territory, and Marlins just showing no mercy on their would be captors.  Got to hand it to the animals, they've made our quest for global supremacy a lot more challenge in recent times, refreshing to see them going down fighting. 

Junior Seau Drives off Cliff, Doesn't Die

(CNN) -- Former NFL linebacker Junior Seau was arrested for domestic violence in Oceanside, California, in the early morning hours Monday, hours before he drove his car off a cliff in nearby Carlsbad, authorities said.

That's all they got for him?  I mean he beats his girlfriend, gets busted, Karma tries to punish him for what he did and he just laughs it off?  Karma has to come a whole lot tougher than that, thats just embarrsing. 

Sad thing is this isn't the first time fate has tried to maim Junior.  I once saw this guys arm snap on national television and I'm pretty sure he was lobbying from the sideline to stay in the game, its going to take a bit more than driving off a cliff to end this dudes life. A couple of years later he got trampled by a bull at a rodeo and just dusted himself off like he was playing with the family dog. 

I'm pretty sure at this point that the deal he made with El Diablo is up and the Devil is calling for payment, personally I can't wait to see what is next.  And it really wouldn't surprise me if Bruce Willis' character in Unbreakable was based on Junior.

People are Still Using AOL Mail?

I had a request at work come to me today from someones AOL e-mail address and all I could picture was some guy on the other end anxiously awaiting my response accompanied by the famed "You've Got Mail" voice.  I think I'd be embarrased to have @aol.com as my  personal e-mail at this point, nevermind my as my business e-mail.  Do you really want people thinking that your business is still using dial up? Or that you spend your days e-mailing people with addresses like Laxxbro83 or xxprincessxx?  I apologize if those are anyones real AOL names...actually no I don't, you have it coming to you if you're still using the same e-mail address from the 8th grade.

It also made me wonder if my old @aol.com e-mail was still active.  I don't even know how I'd go about checking it at this point, but I'm sure if I could it would be full of porn offers, male enhancement advertisements, and offers of riches from Nigerian royalty. 

Really makes me miss the good old days of the internet, trolling around in chat rooms, gathering people's a/s/l's, making fun of alcoholics in their Alcoholics Anonymous support chats.  Good times, good times.

Fall is Here

And it sucks.  Sneaks up on me every year before I know it, summer and it's carefree, easy going dress code is replaced by heavy sweaters, jackets pants, and worst of all, Uggs.  And it means winter is right around the corner. 

At least winter is honest though, you know what you're going to get.  Fall is my least favorite season for many reasons, but mainly because its dishonest.  The weather fluctuates from raw and wet to windy and freezing, random sunny warm days that remind you of summer just long enough to get your hopes up before they are dashed away by a freak snow storm.  All the inconsistent weather inevitably leads to the first round of office colds that spready like the plague from cube to cube. These never clear up until the spring.  Just when you're feeling healthy it creeps around the corner and spreads through your portion of the office again like the wave coming back around at a baseball game.

While some of you are quick to point out the beauty of the fall and the changing of the leaves, I counter that the leaves are just dying and you'll soon enough be raking and dropping the bagged leaves off at the dump.  Apple Picking?  Sure it was fun when I was a kid, and is probably still enjoyable if you have kids, but I prefer to do my apple picking at the grocery store now.  Just made a trip last weekend, took pictures of me picking them out and everything just for nostalgias sake. 

Outside of Thanksgiving and football season there are really no redeeming qualitites to this season, and thats why fall sucks.

How About a Little Gratitude Belichick, You Know, For the Effort?

Great win for the Pats yesterday, actually huge win given their upcoming schedule.  But I'll be honest, I'm a little disappointed in Belichick as I received no credit during the press conference for finally solving and breaking the my personal Brady jersey curse.  How did I do it?  I snapped early this time and benched the jersey shortly before the half (an unprecedented move to this point) and the boys responded with a second half ass kicking that I'm sure Ray Lewis will be bitching about for the rest of the season.

How bad could the Brady Jersey Curse have possibly been you're wondering?  Well first know that I'm not that superstitious, not some kind of weirdo creep. Just a few of the basic superstitions most sports fans can relate to.  I don't like to predict the home teams outcome when people ask how I think the game will go, if the momentum shifts suddenly in a game I assume its because of how I recently repositioned an arm/leg/hand/foot (yes I believe I have magical appendages).  But as silly as those are, the Brady Jersey Curse was real. The last 3 times I wore the jersey before yesterday were: 1)  Pats/Giants Superbowl , 2) Opening Game 2008-Brady's Injury, 3) Home playoff blowout loss to Baltimore last year.  

That's it, those are the 3 other games I wore the jersey, and the curse looked at full power early yesterday until I made the decision to pull it from the game.  So my question, is the curse over, or should I take that jersey out back and burn it?