Korean Rapper's Horse Dance is Complete Fraud

First off, for regular followers, I'll be back full time either tomorrow or Thursday, took a hiatus for real work, then took a vacation, and frankly then I just got lazy for a week or so. But I'm back and ready to go. Secondly, let's not toss all the credit to this Korean Rapper for this Horse Dance...I'm pretty sure if we could dig up archival video footage from Sissy K's or Ned Devines circa 2004-06 you'd see a young CW throwing down with those moves...in fact, the horse move is basically all I've got. Didn't matter the beat, style of music, nothing. Castles in the Sky? Horse Dance. Apache by the Sugar Hill Gang? Horse Dance like you wouldn't believe. Summer of 69? Absolutely, Horse Dance. Only difference was the crowd. Instead of a bunch of South Korean dorks applauding me there were a bunch of Faneuil Hall Juice monkeys either laughing or paying no attention whatsoever.

I'm Not Saying this Asian Woman Attempting to Parallel Park Confirms Stereotypes...

...But hand her a new digital camera that she's never seen before and she'll be taking museum quality HDR shots in 30 seconds...ask her to use her side mirrors to park on a completely empty stretch of road and she brings shame upon her family name.

The Sad State of US Badminton

Am I crazy for thinking that with a few months of perparation, maybe I go back to my old high school and practice against the jocks in gym class a few times, that this event is well within my range for Rio 2016?

I mean, it's inexplicable to me that the US could literally go winless in the opening round of this event. I can't be the only one whose sole focus in gym class on Badminton days was trying to get a shutout, am I? Or the only one who had all out battle royals on the front lawn with cousins and family members during summer cookouts? Was anyone else doing that? Or is my family descended from some kind of secret Badminton Royalty?

At any rate, I could at least do better than this fail:

San Fran Library's Helping People Jerk in Secrecy

Fox News - Officials in San Francisco have reportedly installed plastic privacy screens at the city’s main library to block pornographic images from the eyes of other visitors..."We're always looking for any kind of elegant solution that strikes a balance between the right to privacy and folks that want to use the library for any other intended purpose," city librarian Luis Herrera told the website. Adrian Dumont, a regular library visitor, is a fan of the new screens because he sees “a lot” of users viewing pornographic material. But Dawn Hawkins, executive director of the anti-pornography group Morality in Media, thinks even more should be done. "I think it's definitely not enough," Hawkins said. "Even with those protector screens, people walking directly behind somebody can see porn. I mean porn in the library? There's no place for that."

You have to respect the hell out of City Librarian (that's a real title, folks) Luis Herrera for that "we're always looking for any kind of elegant solution..." line. That is a man that is just born for politicking. I also like the fact that he's a pragmatist. As the city librarian he has his ear to the street and he knows what people currently want from their local libraries...unfiltered access to porn and a little privacy while they take care of business. I mean, just look at the rest of that sentence, "balance between right to privacy and folks that want to use the library for any other intended purpose." Any other intended purpose is basically an afterthought there...I can almost picture a local librarian being like;

 "oh, you just came here to rent a book? Ok I guess you can do that...while you're hear I should mention we also have a gold membership to Brazzers if you have a few minutes you should really check it out."

Bottom line, Dawn Hawkins doesn't want to see the citizens of San Fran taking advantage of free high speed broadband porn, go to Barnes and Noble. I don't know what gave her the idea that she could just waltz into a public building looking for free books and not catch a few eyefulls of porn, but this isn't fantasy land...This is a public city building, if people don't have a right to privacy here, where do they? Their home? Come on. I believe  it was Matt Damon's character in Goodwill Hunting who so elegantly put it:

"Liberty is the soul's right to beat off in private at the public library, your honor."

Or something like that.


PS: Does Fred Willard know about this?

Boston Gives Break-Up Advice to a Bunch of Geeks

BOSTON (AP) — Andrew Curtin said it happened at least twice at his Boston-area high school in the last year. Angry about a breakup, a boy ended up at the school nurse's office with a broken hand after punching a locker or a wall. "You don't think about when you see two people walking down the hall, 'Are they in a bad relationship or is it good?'" the 17-year-old Waltham High School senior said Thursday. But he was among about 250 teenagers doing a lot of thinking about healthy relationships at a seminar at Simmons College on Thursday. And the dating advice was coming from an unlikely source: city government officials...On Thursday, teens talked about breaking up by sending a text message, or being on the receiving end of one. They also spoke about fights they'd seen in their schools between students who were in competition for another student's affections, or felt jilted after a relationship ended badly. Counselors at the forum urged teens to communicate with partners about relationship boundaries, together defining whether they were "just texting," casually "hooking up," ''friends with benefits," or in a monogamous relationship. They also encouraged students to end relationships with face-to-face contact, and to look for warning signs that ongoing relationships could turn abusive.

I'm not faulting the idea, just the execution. Guys...it's the middle of summer. A gorgeous July day. You know where the guy were that could use this kind of advice? At the beach with their girls trying to figure out a good place to park later so they can get a handy and still be home in time for dinner. They certainly weren't in some college auditorium sharing their feelings about how they felt when Sally told them she'd been sending sexts of her boobs to someone else for the past few months.  I mean these weren't even your sexually active band geeks because they're all getting down at band camp right now. These are just run of the mill kids who had nothing better to do on a phenomenal summer day. Better advice would have been: How to Deal with the Fact that Popular Kids Are Rounding the Bases and You'll Have to Wait a Few Years. That would have been truly worthwhile and focused on the target demographic.

Eddie Griffin Air Humps Two Lesbos's Faces At Comedy Show, Ruckus Ensues

TMZ - The woman who chucked a drink at Eddie Griffin at a recent comedy show, Tells TMZ it was an ACT OF SELF DEFENSE ... claiming she "felt sexually assaulted" by the comedian after he pumped his crotch into her face. Fiona Walshe -- who is a lesbian -- tells TMZ ... she and her partner Leslie were having a good time at Tommy T's Comedy Club in Pleasanton, CA last week, until Griffin singled them out due to their sexual orientation. Fiona claims Griffin pointed to her and said, "You're a LESBIAN. All you need is a good man ... I'll volunteer my services. You won't be needing any strap-on's or vibrators with me." She says it got worse from there, "He started to pump his hips into my face. I felt sexually assaulted and I wanted him to stop -- then I threw the drink at him to defend myself." Fiona claims Eddie went off after that ... "He jumped off the stage and onto my table. He started grabbing everything and throwing it at me" ... including a salt and pepper shaker, she says. She continues, "Before I could get away from him he poured a water bottle on my head and threw it at me."

Had these broads never been to a comedy show before? This is par for the course. The comedian picks out a few people each show and makes the night wildly uncomfortable for them in a manner that would be judged as socially insensitive in any other setting. It's the social contract you enter when you buy tickets to a comedy show. Two drink minimum and a 1:100 chance that  your night is absolutely ruined by a comedian honing in on you. Doesn't everyone know this? You want to avoid this, you sit in the middle to back section away from center stage. You don't sit front few rows, you don't sit back row, and you try your hardest not to sit in the dead center. Otherwise, be prepared for air-face fucking and all other shenanigans.

PS: Anyone else mildly excited for when Gloria Allred undoubtedly takes this case:




Guys dead serious face gets me every time.

Sex Toy Gets the Drop on Chinese Officials Again!

HuffPo - The phrase "inflated body count' took on new meaning for 18 cops in China's Shandong Province who worked together to save a sex doll they thought was a drowning woman. The incident happened July 11 when officers responded to a report that there was a lady in distress in one of the province's rivers...It took more than 40 minutes before the officers were able to recover the pleasure toy. After confirming that they had indeed run around in a panic for nearly an hour over trying to rescue someone’s blow-up girlfriend, the police presented it to the anxious crowd, who quickly covered their children’s eyes and walked away, according to RocketNews24.com No word on how the sex doll got in the river in the first place, but the Times of India reports that Shandong is an important center for producing sex toys in China and supplies them across the globe.

Officials in China, am I right? Second time in as many months some government officials, this time the police, have been fooled by China's burgeoning sex toy business. First it was a rubber vagina they confused for a new species of mushroom, now they're running search and rescue efforts for oddly proportioned fuck dolls. Safe to say I'm still not worried about China as a global threat, just yet.

PS: Do the people of Shadong hang their hat on the fact that they're "an important center for producing sex toys?" Like is it a badge of honor, or something that brings their families shame when they go to visit other relatives..."Oh here comes the "Kim-Lee clan, don't let your kids talk to them alone, they live in Shadong, who knows what those perverts will talk about."

Utah Officials Tracking "Goat Man"

Fox News - Utah authorities are working to identify a man spotted dressed in a goat suit among a herd of wild goats in the mountains of northern Utah. The photographer who snapped blurry photos of the individual, dubbed "goat man," told Fox affiliate KSTU-TV that he spotted the man Sunday as he was descending Ben Lomond peak, about 40 miles north of Salt Lake City. "He was clumsy, working his way down the cliff trying to catch up with the rest of the herd," photographer Coty Creighton told the station. "With the binoculars, I could clearly see it was a guy dressed up in a homemade goat suit." Creighton said the man appeared to be wearing heavy gloves so he could crawl on his hands and knees. He also said that at one point, the man lifted his mask and looked up at him for several minutes. "He kind of slouched down, like was getting nervous or was feeling really self-conscious," Creighton added. "He actually got off his hands and knees and sat on the hill for several minutes until he thought I was gone."...Douglass said wildlife officials received an anonymous call Thursday from an "agitated man" after the sighting was reported in local media. The caller simply said, "Leave goat man alone. He's done nothing wrong." ...He said he pulled out binoculars to get a closer look at the herd about 200 yards away and was shocked. The man appeared to be acting like a goat while wearing the crudely made costume, which had fake horns and a cloth mask with cut-out eye holes, Creighton said. "I thought, `What is this guy doing?' " Creighton said. "He was actually on his hands and knees. He was climbing over rocks and bushes and pretty rough terrain on a steep hillside." Creighton moved down the mountain and hid behind a tree, then began snapping photographs. "We were the only ones around for miles," Creighton said. "It was real creepy." 

Do You Goat Man! Do You! I hate clipping that much of an article, but really, what would you have me do, there's just too much there.

Poor guys day is ruined.

And how about Coty Creighton just blowing this guys spot up? Like yea he was feeling self conscious, guy sits at home, sews together a home made goat suit, craws on all fours for miles into the wilderness just for some alone time with his beloved goats, only to have some granola guy out on a walk about snapping photos of him from the hillside. That shit will make anyone uncomfortable. It's like when you were a little kid, maybe like, 8-9 years old, still a child, but old enough to have some inhibitions, can't go around acting willy-nilly like you did a couple of years ago. Maybe you sneak off to your parents basement to act out a favorite scene from the most recent episode of the Ninja Turtles, you're having a blast, round house kicking the air, using an old mop handle as a bow staff, and all of a sudden out of the corner of your eye you notice one of your parents is watching you from the stairs, so you pull this dudes move. You slowly transition out of fantasy land and sit there like nothing was going on until they get bored and leave.  We've all been there, we feel  you, goat man.

Red Sox Fans Pulse Check: They're Done

I wouldn't be showing my face either

Fuck this team. I don't know how it took me this long to get to this point, but fuck em.  They're absolutely maddening. Go on a run, get a few games above .500, 1 game out of the wild card, lose 4 straight, including getting absolutely blown out the past two games. Right back in the cellar, right back under .500.

Yes they've had more than their fair share of injuries, granted, but I'd be more willing to take that argument if they team has just been wallowing miserably 10 games under .500 or so for the season...that hasn't happened. This team battled back from an ATROCIOUS start, fought themselves into contention a week or so before the all-star game, only to just throw away their last series before the break. Then we see them play the same game of yo-yo these past two weeks, taking 3 of 4 from the Chi-Sox, and then dumping the games right back. It's infuriating.

And the other thing with the injury argument...the grand majority of the injuries on this team, have been on the offensive side of the baseball, you know, the side that is, as of this morning, 2 runs behind the Rangers for the most runs scored in all of baseball. It just doesn't hold water. For the majority of the season these may not have been the guys the Sox had planned on in Spring Training, but they sure as hell produced like them.

So if the offense isn't the problem then I'd say it's safe to circle back to the pitching. IT'S THE PITCHING. They absolutely suck. Between Lester and Becket's season long dueling banjo's of suck routine, Buchholz' abysmal start, Daniel Bard pitching like Steve Nebraska in The Scout, they brought Daisuke back, the guy they traded for to be our new closer HAS NEVER PITCHED A GAME, Melancon might have set a few records earlier this year for must runs allowed in less than an inning, oh yea, and at one point the front office was so desperate that THEY BROUGHT DAISUKE BACK! Did I mention that already?  The only thing they haven't tried is trotting out that fat fuck John Lackey.

So yes, fuck this team. The 2012 Red Sox are a wrap for this guy.