Partial List of Shit I Hate (In No Particular Order)

Yeah, I know it's supposed to be the Holiday Season which arbitrarily means people pretend to be nice to another to solicit better gifts from their peers, but I'm more genuine than that. I'm sarcastic and cynical all year long baby, Christmas isn't stopping this train of negativity. Since I was coming up short on blog topics, and my friends at school were commenting on my remarkable ability to dislike almost everything, I decided to compile a partial list of the facets of existence I find most displeasing to me. I made the bold assertion to them I'd come up with 1000, which probably won't happen because I'll either get bored or run out of ideas and steal other peoples. So, here's part one of shit I hate, enjoy.


1.) B.C The Comic Strip- Caveman humor isn’t fucking funny, neither is their over reliance on puns.
2.) Healthy Choice Soup- Take out the sodium and flavor of regular canned soup and you get this watery piss that is a sorry excuse for a substitute
3.) 100 Calorie Snack Packs- When I want Dorritos, I don’t want 3.5 chips so I can watch my fucking waistline, I want a whole bag because they taste delicious and I don’t give a fuck about my inevitable weight gain
4.) Kobe Bryant- I have a particular distaste both for Lakers players and rapists, so he “wins” twice
5.) Old Nicktoons Not Being in a Basic Cable Package- Give me my fucking childhood memories. You take my money, happiness, and time from me Comcast, can’t you throw me a bone here?
6.) Cold Kitchen Tiles- No one likes starting their day with freezing feet
7.) People who Bitch I Drink Bottled Water- It’s a free fucking country, I am free to let myself be scammed if I so please, the environment be damned.
8.) The Fourth Kind- one of the worst movies I have ever seen, do not watch it, it will make you angry. In no way scary or believable.
9.) “My Kid is an Honor Student” Bumper Stickers- You should also add a “I have poor self image so I need to vicariously live through my child’s accomplishments” sticker as well.
10.) Diet Fads- There is no fucking miracle secret to weight loss, housewives of America. Eat less, move more for a while. It’s that simple.
11.) Christmas Classics Remixed into ‘House’ Music- *shakes head sadly* My generation has fucked up a lot of things, this might be the one that makes me most sad.
12.) Ben Roethlisberger- See #4, just replace “Lakers” with “Steelers”
13.) The New York Yankees- I could cop out and give each one a reason, but they don’t deserve that much space on MY list. Fuck all of them, especially A-Rod.
14.) Waiting in Traffic- Traffic prevents me from doing what I want to be doing, which is NOT waiting in traffic.
15.) Buttered Popcorn Jelly Beans- A vile blight upon the world of candy, it shouldn’t exist.
16.) Nickelback- Chad Kroeger and Co. whining about god knows what while playing the same power chords over and over again is utter garbage. He’s Canadian too, so he sucks even more.
17.) People who add “Lol” at the end of a text message- You didn’t laugh, you put that there for no reason.
18.) People who respond to the one word text message- If I send you a “k” or “word,” our conversation is over. Don’t keep talking to me, I’ve moved onto better things.
19.) Fat Chicks who wear thongs- Gross, leave that garment to the good looking girls
20.) Fat Chicks in general- Gross, please remove yourself from my line of sight
21.) Starbucks Coffee Size System- I get it, you’re trendy and a reasonably upscale coffee place, but on the rare instances that I am even in Starbucks, give me a fucking small coffee when I ask, don’t make me say “tall” asshole.
22.) Having all Vowels in “Words with Friends”- What the fuck am I supposed to do with 2 A’s, 3 E’s, 1 O, and 1 U, besides angrily throw my phone at the couch?
23.) High Beam Tailgaters- We are the only two cars on the road, do you really need to have your Chevy Silverado halfway up my ass with the flood lights on dickhead?
24.) Public School Lunch- A disgusting collecting of whatever the ladies in the kitchen scraped off the floor and threw in the blender that day.
25.) Piss Mist on the Toilet Seat- Im not talkin’ drops of urine you can see and get rid of, even if it sucks. Piss mist is so fine you don’t realize it’s there until you have settled in, then realized your ass cheeks are moist. Awful.
26.) Mosquitos- Can’t even detect them until you hear that high pitched frequency buzz, but by then its too late: you have an itch that never goes away.
27.) Leaving a pen in your pants pocket through the laundry process- I do this all the time, but it doesn’t prevent me from getting pissed off at the machines, even though its my fault.
28.) Abercrombie and Fitch Stores- The clothes are fine, but the stores smell like someone hosed the hole place down in Axe body spray, all while blaring pop music so loud it makes your ears gush blood. Disgusting.
29.) MySpace- Only pedophiles use this anymore right?
30.) Dan Shaughnessy- Made a career off of hating the team’s he is supposed to cover and willingly defiles anyone in the name of sustaining his alcoholic tendencies. Epitome of a hack.
31.) Chicks who get mad when guys look at their exposed cleavage- IT DIDN’T HAPPEN BY ACCIDENT, YOU PUT IT THERE! It’s like telling little kids not to look at animals at the zoo. Bitches.
32.) Little Kids on Xbox Live- Whiny, over emotional little pricks who ruin my happy time by screaming obscenetities about how awesomely they killed me. I take solace knowing these kids are all getting beat up at their respective schools
33.) Never Wears a Shirt Guy- It could be while playing an acoustic while in the quad or walking around the freshman dorm, the message is still the same: “Im a douche, I just don’t know it yet.”
34.) CatDog- Always watched the show, never enjoyed it. Took me until now to realize this show actually sucked.
35.) Conversation with Any Customer Service Representative- Take me, multiply my level of animosity towards humankind/existence by 1000, then give these people a small modicum of power and tell them their job is to assist other people. Result: Everyone loses.
36.) Hairy Backed Men at the Beach- I go to the beach to relax and enjoy myself, not see a sweaty, heart-attack-waiting- to-happen flaunt his self made back carpet off. There is no way you don’t know you have a throw rug on your back.
37.) Parades- These are fun when you are like 7 years old and the loud noises are a welcome distraction since you have no attention span. Now? It’s just a fucking massive traffic issue in the name of watching people walk in an orderly manner under some unifying theme.
38.) Cleaning up Puke- I’ve dealt with a lot of gross substances in my day, but puke is the absolute worst. The consistency makes it impossible to clean up in any effective way and the smell is REPUGNANT, making me want to puke myself.
39.) Cold Water Showers- I have no idea why people even bathed until there was hot water. It feels like icy knives are being shoved through every pore in your body. I’d rather smell like stale sweat and yesterday’s dinner that I spilled on myself than take a cold shower.
40.) People who call you, you miss the call, then they don’t pick up when you call right back- ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!?! What did you do in the 5 seconds between it being absolutely vital to talk to me and deciding that it wasn’t worth it after all? I hope you stubbed your toe or some other sort of minor inconvenience, because it would make me feel better.

Kim Jong Il, The World's Real Most Intersting Man, Dead.

Thug Life

The Mirror - Kim Jong Il has died of heart failure at the age of 69 - after 17 eccentric years as North Korea's 'Dear Leader'.

Sad, sad day for Dos Equis, because I have no idea where they're going to come up with their hilarious material, now that the real most interesting man in the world has passed. Sure the guy in the commercials is a gringo with a beard, but that's really just for asthetics, I mean look at Kim, would you put a troll out as the face of your beer? No. But you would use various tales of his life story if you ever stumbled accross his biography like I did that time I was an intern and supposed to be working but instead was reading the ravings of a mad man for 3 hours. (For simplicity, all facts below are from The Mirror, but are originally from Kim Jong Il's official biography):

1. Birth foretold by Double Rainbow and a New Star in Space - That is some straight up Willow shit, come on Kim, you just fell asleep watching the movie one night and it entered your subconcious, it's cool, happens to all of us...on the plus side, if it is true, we now have an answer to this guys question.

2. World's greatest golfer- I'm sure everyone's heard this one by now, Kim once sunk 5 hole in ones in one day, and fished a full par 72 course with a score of THIRTY FOUR! Note to Kim, when going for lies, maybe tone it down a little bit...I'd have considered believing you with 2 hole in ones and a 58.

3. Kim once kidnapped filmmakers from Hong Kong to create a string of movies, starring Kim Jong Il, battling Godzilla or something...see for yourself:

4. In 2007 Kim outlawed cigarettes nationwide so that he'd be able to quit smoking - Kind of like when that fat-ass in Boston, Mayor Menino, banned sugary drinks on city property so that he wouldn't be tempted to cheat on his diet. You're in good company Tommy.

5. Kim was the original OG, purchasing upwards 350K in Euros a year of Hennessy.

6. Much like Bobby Valentine says he invented the wrap sandwich, Kim Jong Il once claimed he invented the hamburger...McDonalds later urged congress to declare war after such an atrocious claim.

7. A Movie Buff he was not- Owner of over 20,000 films, his favorites were known to be Rambo and Friday the 13th.

And finally, the 10 Weirdest Kim Jong Il Facts:

Safe to say this is a huge loss, to foodies, golfers, film critics, and most notably Dos Equis.

Woman Embezzles $160K+ To Fund Her Farmville and Mafia Wars Habit

AUGUSTA — A former administrative assistant for the Maine Trial Lawyers Association admitted in court this morning to embezzling $166,000 from the group, and a prosecutor said much of it was spent on online social-networking games. However, the chances of the lawyers group recouping that amount are slim. A home owned by Higgins and her husband is in foreclosure. She was accused of forging the name of executive director Steven Prince between May 22, 2006, and Sept. 9, 2010, on 220 checks made payable to herself or to cash, and of doctoring the organization's accounting records to disguise the theft. The scheme was uncovered when Prince was notified a check he had written for $5,500 had bounced. Robbin said an investigator found that over the most recent 18-month period — between January 2009 and September 10, 2010 — Higgins had 78 checks deposited directly to her personal account and paid out the funds to Zyna YoVille and Zynga Mafia Wars, which are social networking games played through Facebook. “Apparently she was buying virtual coins for virtual property in a virtual world,” Robbin said.

There's regular, old, detached from society people, and then there's "embezzling your employers cash to fund your burgeoning Farmville virtual world so you can be the best internet farmer America has ever seen," detached.

And frankly, good for you. Go big or go home, right. Like if you're going to be wasting your employers time playing online facebook games, you might as well go all out. Lets not pussy-foot around here, if you're spending real money on Zynga games like Mafia Wars or Farmville, you're a LOSER. Sorry, there's no getting around that. Once you've crossed the line to actually paying the people of the internet, for the right to grow a good crop of virtual cabbage, you've pretty much announced that you've given up on real life. So at that point, why not go all in like this lady? She probably realized she didn't have much of a life to lose and just did it. And before she got caught, I'm sure she was Queen of the fake life, internet world. Probably had more virtual coins and rupees than anyone, and really, that was as good as it was going to get for her, probably doesn't regret it at all, she's been to the mountain top, she can now die, alone, and poor, and probably in prison, peacefully.

And the employers can cut the poor me act as far as getting the cash back.  I mean I've never played Mafia wars or any of that lame shit, but I'd imagine $160k real money buys A TON of virtual drugs in Mafia Wars. Just sell that stuff back for profit. Get in the game bros.

John McCain Trolling Putin on Twitter

Fox News - Vladimir Putin clearly is "unsettled" by the protests in his country, Sen. John McCain told Fox News on Thursday, after the Russian leader publicly excoriated the Arizona Republican in a personal attack the U.S. senator described as just "strange." "Dear Vlad, The #ArabSpring is coming to a neighborhood near you," McCain tweeted. Putin, in a TV appearance Thursday in Russia, then accused McCain -- a Vietnam War veteran and former prisoner of war who now is ranking Republican of the Senate Armed Services Committee -- of having "a lot of blood of peaceful civilians on his hands." 

You crazy bro? Didn't you just get out of some kind of prison camp? What are you thinking here? You've got the cush life, retired in Arizona, pretending to do work for the Senate. Come on, man, don't go inviting trouble for America, we don't need that right now. How about you and your pals in Washington focus on shit going on in our country right now (like how Congress had to avoid a governement work stoppage for like the 3rd time this year just yesterday), and worry less about a man who won his countries presidency with something like a 97% mandate. I mean even if he forged 47% of the votes (which he did), he still got 50% of the popular vote, which is more than George Bush got when we put that bastard in office, so you tell me who's up to shady business.

The "Buy Your XXX Domain to Protect your Brand" Thing is Extortion, Right?

This whole "buy your .XXX domain to protect your business/image" thing is a complete racket right? Extortion in the purest sense. You know who's going to profit wildly from this? The Mafia.  This sets them up for the classic protection scheme, I'm certain that right now, there's a group of old school guido's trying to get their nephew or grandson to show them how to use the internet so they can start gobbling up .xxx domains, and you know what, it's brilliant.  You buy the domain, you put up some questionable material, and then you sell it back to the subject. It's like this whole new world of the internet was just invented for extortion purposes. I mean, how much do you think one of those Christ loving Walton family members would pay to get their domain back? You could be rolling in Wal-Mart family money just for registering a few websites. There's like 5 Walton heirs, figure $500k per person, some aspiring entrepenuer could make $2.5 million by lunch today.

And yes, I know the people of .XXX have built in some protections around popular companies and stars, reserving certain domains (for instance you cannot just go out and buy LindsayLohan.XXX, but luckily it probably won't be long before she populates that one herself), but there's no way they've thought of everyone and everything, its just impossible...and you're crazy if you don't think I just spent 45 minutes testing various .xxx domains just to see what's available (a quick check of my recent search history will turn up some weird stuff right now, the perils of running this blog I suppose). 

Bank of America...Available - Careful with those fees you're just haphazardly tossing out there guys. You thought the media backlash was bad the last time around, that was before someone registered a porn site in your name. 

Lebron James and Dwayne Wade, not available....Chris Bosh: Available. - Told you my search history would look pretty weird. I mean how ostracized can Chris Bosh feel (I find it ironic to describe Bosh as ostracized, because he looks like an ostrich). He already pretty much knew that he was just the third wheel here, but this really must cement it. Lebron and D-Wade sleeping comfortably at night, knowing that no one is conspiring to buy their .XXX domain and publish all kinds of weird things, meanwhile Chris Bosh has to worry about some nutjob out there buying his domain and posting all kinds of Ostrich-fornication related videos (not that I'm searching for that or anything). It must be humiliating.

George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Thomas Jefferson...Protected. www.Tedyroosevelt.xxx  - Not. - Shit just got real awkward up on Mount Rushmore. Sure, theodoreroosevelt.xxx is protected, but no one who knew Tedy ever called him Theodore. Imagine how red his face will be the first time Abe pulls up Tedy's newly founded porn domain.

Honestly, this could go on for days, there's countless corporations and famous people who's domains are not protected and it's going to lead to all kinds of embarrasing situations, none more so than when the Chosen One himself, Tim Tebow, has to shell out a cool million to some schmuck who notices that www.timtebow.xxx is still available, and populates the site with all the dirty things Tim presumably fantisizes about, but can never act on...because he's a unich.

I'm Outright Compelled to Yell MOLECULO MAN...and Other Variously Annoying Noises

Moleculo - The Molecular Man - watch more funny videos

For the purpose of this blog, you really only need to watch the first minute or so to catch the catchprase...but I encourage you to watch the whole thing.

Do you just have that urge to say or yell something and once you think of it, you just CANNOT stop thinking about saying it (or in my case, belting it out in a comedic voice at the top of your lungs)? That’s me with Moleculo Man. Every few days this ridiculous character will pop into my head and I’ll just go off, yelling this at the top of my lungs, if I’m lucky, I’m at home, and then I just have to convince my girlfriend that I’m not in fact, retarded or some kind of serial killer (though screaming it into a pillow to muffle the sound would appear to the contrary). Days that I’m unlucky? I’ll just be sitting at my desk minding my own business and the urge will strike, and when that happens, look out work productivity.

I’ll spend upwards of an hour doing nothing but fighting the urge, because here’s the thing, I’ve never half-assed a molecule man, it’s always full bore, everything I’ve got…It’s probably the only thing I can really say I give 100% effort every time, and given this, I just don’t think it would be appreciated in the middle of the office, frankly.

So I sit there, and after an hour or so I really start to think about how ridiculous the whole thing is, I haven’t done a stitch of work for an hour, I’ve ignored phone calls because, I’m afraid I’ll yell MOLLLECCULLOOOOO MANNNNNNNN at one of my clients while they’re discussing something important like capitalization (plus our lines are recorded and I’d imagine the people down in the security room would have a grand old time with that tape). Then I start wondering whether my boss would appreciate me sitting here, not doing a thing, but doing it quietly, versus; My productivity being at the normal level, with one singular outburst where I yell a marginally popular Conan O’brien Catchphrase at the top of my lungs on a Wednesday afternoon at 3 pm. (It’s a lose, lose situation, eventually I think about it for so long that I forget what I’m even thinking about).

The strange habit doesn’t just apply to odd Conan O’brien inspired action hero catch phrases either, no no. It applies to whistling, random outbursts of energy, and various other phrases and songs that get stuck in my head and I just feel…compelled, to let everyone know, “HEY THIS OBNOXIOUS SOUND IS RUNNING THROUGH MY HEAD! JOIN ME, WON’T YOU!” My girlfriend, parents, or really anyone that’s lived with me could probably attest that I’m good for at least one or two of these energy breaking outbursts a day.

Double click it to see the Menu Offerings

Take Kars for Kids. Probably the greatest song of our generation, it’s completely won me over, to the point where if you dare switch the radio in the car when that little diddy is on, I’ll snap…Or at least I’ll snap after I finish belting out the tune. Just because you changed the channel doesn’t mean you’ve escaped the song, because I’m finishing it. Same actually applies to that Flo-Rida song (editors note: It’s hard to google Flo-Rida, because you instinctively type “Florida,” and end up with a bunch of results for old people’s home and discounted vacation deals, when all you were really looking for was a 2nd rate rapper), ‘Good Feeling.’ It’s my newest obsession that I let loose on whenever I hear it. I was at a dive bar a few weeks ago (as documented by an embarrassing string of tweets that I horrifyingly read the next morning, those of you not following me, you made a wise decision that night), and I brought down the house with that jam. No, it was not a karoke bar, and no I don’t know the words to anything but the chorus. But that did not stop me from performing this song, at the top of my lungs for the 3 people I was with, along with the 5 or 6 regulars at the bar, who might not have necessarily enjoyed the performance, but they also weren’t threatning me with knives or anything, so that was good (to get a feeling for the atmosphere, the picture to the left is the menu the bar, found that while scrolling through pics last night).

It’s not an ADD or compulsive thing, that I’m sure of, it’s never taken me 20 minutes to put deodorant on, and I’ve never washed my hands to the point that they’ve pruned or anything. It’s just this ridiculous urge of pent up energy, somehow connected to catch phrases and semi-popular songs, that I haven’t figured out how to deal with yet, and as a result, you’ve just read this obnoxiously long blog.

This is getting kind of (really ridiculously) rambly, and I’ve honestly just typed the last two paragraphs because I can’t think of a way to close this ode to my little problem, so I think I’ll leave you with this….

MOOOLLLLLECCUULLLOOOOO MAAAAANNNNNNNNNN

100 Year old Doctor Still Making House Calls

The senior circuit ain't never seen anything like me before

Dr. Fred Goldman still makes house calls. He must, he explains. That’s where the patients are. “If they’re sick and can’t leave home,” he said, “I go to see them.” On Monday, they came to see him. Patients, friends and family — some using walkers, some in strollers — gathered in numbers passing the century mark at the Avondale office Goldman calls “the dump,” to throw a surprise birthday party for the internist who is the oldest licensed physician practicing medicine in the state of Ohio. Dr. Fred Goldman is 100.

Big Whoop Padre, 100 is for suckers, have I ever told you guys I'm living until I'm 136 (at least)? That's right, me and the Maestro (@mazz33) have a standing wager that I, CW, your fearless leader, will be still kicking at 136 years old. The year will be 2120, mark it on your smartphones. 

The logic? Between the advances in modern science, technology, and healthcare, and my moderate level of income, I just can't see myself succumbing to some average sickness or disease. I escaped all the youthful pratfalls like AIDS, Polio, Malaria, and TB, so I'd say I'm in the clear on this one. The terms of the bet do not include Murder, or catastrophic deaths like plane crashes, or being blown away by hurricanes. It does include drowning, because lets face it, if I drown, that's my own fault (excluding Titanic like situations where my boat capsizes). This is strictly based on death by natural causes. 

One thing we haven't figured out is how to arrange payment, my problem is, Maestro will probably be long dead by my 136 birthday, and I'm not going to be left holding the bag for gambling welch just because he died like 40 years ago. So we're going to need to look into setting up some kind of living trusts, with a will declaring who gets the funds in the events of both our demises. If for some reason my projections for the healthcare industry are wrong and I only live until 126 or something, I want to make sure I go out a gentelman, my debt paid in full. Since, again, Maestro will have been long dead by that point, I'm going to need a list of descendants that the trust can be released to in the event of my death.

So clearly we've got a few details to iron out, but the main point of the story is, this Doc can calm down on the bragging about still making house calls at 100. Mildly impressive, but nothing compared to the Pick-Up Kickball league championship I'm going to win when I'm like 110. 

I Refuse to Use Any Website that Doesn't List "United States" First in its Drop Down Box

What the shit is this, right? What kind of website has a country selection page where "United States" isn't the first selection in a drop down box? Does the President know about this?  Are we now, as Americans, second class citizens like all the rest of the world?

I'll be damned if this is how its going to be from here on out, I didn't work hard to be born in the best country in the free world, just have to have to scan through a shmorgasboard of Gambia's, Cape Verde's, Angola's, and Qatar's just to find my country. That shit is for suckers. Suckers that used to be the rest of the world.

If we allow this to happen, whats next?  We can't allow this. It's a slippery slope, one second you're living in the number one country in the world, so beloved that websites everywhere decide your national standing supercedes the laws of Alphabetical order, the next we're placed on an equal playing field with the rest of the world, forced to drive Prius's, gym classes are cancelled forever, and the people behind the "Happy Holiday's" movement are winning.

No, I will not stand for this kind of mockery. Just like we as a country banded together back in 2001 to unilaterally re-brand French Fries, "Freedom Fries," we need to take a stand and boycott any and all websites in the far reaches of the world wide web that choose to dispute our standing as dominant global leaders, and head internet trolls.

Live News Blunder Show Down: Freudian Hooters Slip vs. Classic Boner Prank

The Contenders:

VS

"Congratulations On Your Big Hooters" - Watch MoreFunny Videos

Play it cool fellas, no need to be so blunt, you're both on TV, the women will come to you. God, relax.

80% of the reason you choose a career on TV in the first place is so that you don't have to chase women and look all desperate anymore, get your shit together. 

But back to the question at hand, which blunder was more embarrassing? I've gotta go with Mr. Boner Billboard over here...not a good look fella. It's one thing to slip up and mention a girls hooters, it's happened to the best of us at least once, plus there's always the chance she found it to be a complement and was into it.  Its another to be so desperate that you have to draw attention to your hard-on's. 

Boners by nature are kind of creepy, the word boner itself is awkward, you basically can't say boner in society without A) Being a pedophile, B) Being aged 8 and first figuring out what it means and then its hilarious, or C) being a cast member in a Judd Apatow movie.