The Whole Point of Holiday Gag Gifts is Lost on Me Completely.

(CNN) -- If your gift list this year includes gadget-obsessed early adopters who love snatching up the latest electronics, you're in luck. Why not give them an iArm -- an adjustable forearm mount that will let them fiddle with their smartphone, laptop and tablet computer all at the same time? Or for the e-geek on the go, consider the iDrive. Because, let's be honest, we all need a steering-wheel mount to help play with our tablets and e-readers while we're driving. (What could go wrong?) Sound ridiculous? Well, sure. But these gag products may at least let you fool your family and friends for a few seconds.

I honestly just don't get gag gifts, I just don't see the point. Sure I've purchased them from time to time, but only when I'm involved in some kind of hokey gift swap where I'm probably going home with a long range nerf rifle or something. Otherwise, aren't you just burning money? Rich readers can stop reading right now, but for the rest of you, what kind of statement are you making when you go out and just throw away $20 on some ridiculous gag gift? 

Especially adults, you know what a gag gift as an adult should be? A bottle of booze. If you're going to a gift swap and your gift isn't alcohol related, just know you're an ass. Sure it'll get a few laughs but at first, but at the end of the day, the guy that ended up going home with a copy of Brokeback Mountain and a box of Kleenex will hold that against you forever (true story), similarly if someone gets stuck with a carpenters tool belt and a Ricky Martin picture book, they'll forever assume you're into some weird stuff...its more of a reflection of your tastes than a joke on me (also a true story).  

Part of the reason I'm so vehemently against gag gifts too, is because of the setting they're usually given in, the office. Personally I have a hard time finding that line that you cannot cross (though previously I would have assumed Brokeback and Kleenex was it), god forbid I run down to my local Amazing and pick up a blow up doll and some lube and all of a sudden I've offended the office administrator. 

Similarly, things that others consider gag gifts, I just consider thoughtful presents. That long range nerf sniper rifle with scope I mentioned? Still one of the top 5 Christmas gifts I've ever gotten. Never jams, very accurate, and it's gotten me out of a situation or two in the streets, frankly. But someone totally brought that thinking that the receiver would hate it (presumably because they work in a professional office and weren't aware that a certain middle manager spends his lunch break over at Target drooling over the new shipments of Nerf artillery), probably pissed them off that I loved it. I know if I was giving a horrendous gift (say a roll of toilet paper and a gift card to a local burrito chain...also true), and someone absolutely loved it, that would throw me for a loop as well. All that planning to try and mildly offend someone, without crossing the line, gone, because the person that ended up with your gift is a weirder bird than you are...that's infuriating. 

So this holiday season, keep it simple, don't go for that goofy theme based snuggy, thinking you're original (snuggy's are so 2009 peeps), just grab a bottle of Vodka, slap a bow on it, and maybe throw in a scratch ticket or two. Trust me, it'll go over huge.

I'd Choose to Be Rufio over Peter Pan 100x out of 100

Re-watched Hook recently, and I gotta say, I think I’d 100 % rather be Rufio than Peter Pan, outside the whole dying at the end thing obviously. The thing about Pan is, he grew up, he had to go back, he had those INSUFFERABLE kids who just wanted attention while Dad was out trying to make baller money, that nagging wife from Britain who probably busted his balls every single day about not living in Britain anymore, and on top of it all, he had to live with the fact that he couldn't fly anymore. 

I mean that’s it, you’ve been to the zenith, you know for a fact that your life is not getting better, your best is behind you. The only thing that keeps me personally going some days is A) the hope that maybe people start to like this blog on a legitimate level, and B) I could perhaps win the lottery…But Pan? Big whoop if he hits the lottery, he USED TO FLY. He had daily sword fights with pirates! His best friend was a smoking hot fying fairy thing. No amount of lottery winnings is going to give you pixie dust so you can fly again.

I mean I’m sure he’s glad that he turned out successful and has a healthy family and all, but the thing is, he probably didn’t want that, just didn't have a choice. You really think Peter Pan came back to the real world and wanted to be some Mergers and Acquisition laywer? Hell no. But he probably figured out real quick that running around in tights with a sword doesn’t bring home the bacon in the real world. You’re not landing Wendy Darling by going out on street corners and begging for tips while you do peter pan stunts.  Being Peter Pan just isn't a money making position. If I were Peter Pan I'd probably still have this awful middle manager job. I'd have to. A Pan's gotta eat.

No I definitely wouldn't want to be Peter Pan, Rufio had it figured out, had the adoration of the other lost boys, wore half shirts like AC slater, had that awesome ride thing up in the trees, wore pink highlights in his hair, because who gives a shit, you’re Rufio. That’s the life I’d choose.

Can We All Agree to Stop Cleaning Up When Visitors Are Coming?

Let's be honest, we all live in some level of filth when outsiders aren't visiting. Please, I'm begging you, the next time I come to visit, DO NOT clean up on my accord. I'm not the Queen of England, I'm not going to be offended if I see a couple shoes strewn in the corner, or dishes in the sink. And the reason I say this is, then I won't have to clean up the next time you come over, kind of a pay it forward type situation, for slobs. Let's just all admit to eachother, "hey, my place, it's not a model home from HGTV."

I'm not saying don't maintain a level of cleanliness, you've got to do a bare minimum, if you've got vermin or some kind of other infestation, or your shit smells funny, you're probably doing too little. But no more squeaky clean, all the dishes out of the sink, coffee table looks like it just got a new coat of lacquer, living room looks like no one's ever lived there and its ready for a Good Housekeeping photo shoot. Seriously. You live in your house, I know it gets messy. Know how I know? Because my place gets messy. And it drives me crazy that we have to pretend otherwise anytime someone is coming over. The same people that I would have had over like 3-4 years ago fresh out of college when there were pizza boxes strewn all over the place, now can't come over unless a fresh bottle of mop-n-glo has been applied to the floor. It's nuts.

So I'm calling for a moratorium on all visitor related cleaning. Leave that jacket on the back of the chair, the dishes in the sink, the shoes by the door, the stuff cluttering the counter. Leave the throw blanket all balled up in the corner of the couch, its ok, I know you were just wrapped up in that thing in your underwear 30 minutes ago, its cool. Leave anything and everything that isn't going to give me a viral or respiratory disease. Please, I'm begging you. All I need is enough room to sit down. That's it.

Also, I'm just really lazy.

Jennifer Aniston, Hottest Woman of All Time.

Fox News -  Men’s Health magazine recently crowned America’s sweetheart Jennifer Aniston the hottest woman of all time. “Funny is sexy, and Jennifer Aniston is funny – she was invited to join ‘Saturday Night Live’ before her big break with ‘Friends,” the magazine wrote of their choice.

I mean, I'm not going to disagree, she's 42...look at her and let that sink in. And the thing about this pick, it's easily the safest pick you can make and get universal agreement, and the reason is, because men have no reservations about talking about how hot she is in front of their significant others, because girls absolutely love Jennifer Aniston (the sane ones anyway). 

For some reason they're just not threatened or offended in anyway when a guy drools over her, there's just nothing threatening about her to the female species, its the weirdest phenomenon I've ever encountered. Sure there are girls from time to time that men and women agree on, but there has never been anything like this. A solid 10-15 year run where Jennifer has led to complete peace and harmony amongst the sexes as far as opinions go. It's almost as if girls don't realize how hot she is, because as soon as they do, the jig is up.

Town Names Mispelled on Haverhill Highway Signs...People Still Can't Pronounce Haverhill

HAVERHILL (AP) - State transportation officials are apologizing for putting up street signs in Haverhill that misspell the names of nearby communities. The signs drop the letter "i'' from Plaistow" N.H. on Route 125, and add a "k'' to Merrimac, Mass. on Route 110. State highway officials believe the signs were recently installed and that spelling errors were made during their manufacture. A department spokesman tells The Eagle-Tribune tape has been used to blank out the "k'' in Merrimack, while the word "Plastow" has been covered entirely until correctly spelled signs can be installed.

Hey Haverhill, you guys kidding with this? A lot of balls for a city that I've legitimately never heard pronounced correctly from anyone outside the area.

 
Further, who's brilliant idea was it to just blank out the signs? In the time between now and when they're replaced, do you really think its better to have a blank sign so no one knows where they're going, over a sign spelled wrong? I'm fairly certain that while I'm bombing down 110, I'll be able to figure out that a sign that says "Plastow" means Plaistow, I'm not exactly going to pull over to the side of the road to consult Tom-Tom on that one, shoot I'm not even sure I'd notice, going 50+ mph down the road, a missing letter or misspelled word isn't exactly going to draw attention.

Shit Girls Say

Of course they could make a "Shit guys Say," and it would probably just include a bunch of grunts, farts, burps, yelling at the tv during sports games, guys holding entire conversations almost directly made up of quotes from popular tv shows and movies, and it would be hilarious...But not one single scene would top this one where the girl is just rifling through her purse.

Ladies...your purses have gotten out of control, have been for a while in fact. Weren't these things invented in the spirit of convenience? Carry a few essentials with you for your day in a bag so that you can wear jeans that make your butts look good? I mean, that was the original deal.  The original deal didn't include taking 5 minutes out of every hour of your day to rifle through that thing like its the junk drawer in my kitchen, breezing past coupons expired from 2 years ago, 4 different chapsticks, a few various trinkets that you bought because they were "so cute," and God knows what else you've got in there, just so you can find your keys or license. The shit has gotten out of control, to the point where I'm shocked that A&E hasn't come up with a new original series, "Purse Hoarders" (TM), and its spinoff, "Purse Animal Hoarders" (I'd TM this too, but I don't think anyone's stealing it anytime soon) for those of you who keep miniature dogs in there too.

Death Penalty Conviction Over Turned Due to Jurors Tweet...Now that's Klout

An Arkansas man has had his death penalty conviction overturned because one juror during his case was tweeting and another juror fell asleep. Twenty-six year old Erickson Dimas-Martinez was found guilty in 2010 of robbing and murdering a 17-year-old boy outside of a party in 2006. During his trial, one juror fell asleep, and another posted to his Twitter account regarding the case. While the tweets did not divulge specific details of the case, the juror went against specific instructions to not discuss the case in any manner, online or off.

If this guy doesn't have the highest Klout score possible, then Klout seriously has to reconsider their ranking formula. Because let me tell you something, a single tweet, deciding the fate, the life or death, of a man, is flat out as baller as it gets.  I'm not saying the results are pleasant, I'm just saying this guys Tweet, held more Klout than any other tweet ever. Even more than when Ashton Kutcher defended that pedofile Sandusky and then pretended he didn't know what was going on in the news even though it was basically impossible to have not heard the story at that point.

I'm over here, thrilled about getting a retweet or two a day, celebrating every time I pick up a follower that doesn't appear to be spam, meanwhile this guys tweet game is so prolific he's undermining the entire justice system. Some guys just got all the juice.

Honduras Enacts Motorcycle Law to Cut Down on Drive By Shootings

BBC - The Honduran Congress has voted to ban motorcyclists from riding with passengers in a bid to curb a spate of drive-by killings. The move follows two high-profile murders this week, both blamed on gunmen on motorbikes. During a session held in private because of security fears, legislators approved a decree limiting the number of people allowed on a motorbike to just one. The measure, which will last for six months, was requested by President Porfirio Lobo, whose government is facing rising crime. 

As much as I rag on our country, its stories like this that remind me that in all seriousness, I'd never live anywhere but America (except Australia, you guys are still my favorite). 

For all the social and economical problems this country has had lately, at least we don't worry about things like Motorcycle laws to cut down on drive by killings. The most my parents had to worry about when I was a kid was maybe yelling at a driver for going to fast in the neighborhood or blowing a stop sign, never once did my dad yell something like "Hey make sure that Uzi's safety is on! This is neighborhood!" And for that, I'm thankful. 

PS: Can you imagine getting this to fly up in New Hampshire? You can't even convince those idiots that wearing a helmet on a motorcycle is in their best interest, never mind taking away their right to fire weapons into crowds while riding.

Thoughts, Observations, and Lessons Learned from a Christmas Weekend in New York

Yes, you read that correctly, I willingly, and of my own accord, took time this weekend to travel south to get the Christmas in NYC experience, for the first time. A sort of pilgrimage for east coast Christians who celebrate and worship the commercialization of Christmas, so sort of like the Muslim's and their Hajj to Mecca. And honestly, it was a worthwhile trip, some ups, some downs, but a good experience all in all. Without further ado, a few thoughts, observations, and lessons learned from the weekend:

- The trip centered around Mid-Town, and specifically Rockefeller Center and Times Square. Given the location, I had two people I really wanted to bump into, 1) the Naked Cowboy, and 2) Tina Fey. Sadly, I saw neither. In fact I didn't see anyone famous, at all. I get the feeling the feeling that famous people avoid the tourist trap that is Mid Town like the plague. 

- But that wasn't the biggest disappointment. The biggest disappointment was being informed that TRL is no longer located in Times Square. I'm not even kidding when I say, I was like a kid in a candy-shop when we entered times square, all prepared to be waving and jumping outside of TRL, trying to catch Carson Daly's eye. Even brought a selection of 3 posters so I'd be ready for whoever the guest was (I assumed Britney, Nsync, and Eminem still take turns appearing on the show). Boy was I the goose. I stood outside cheering at what turned out to be some kind of studio for the Lion King show until I was informed that TRL, and Carson Daly, no longer work there. And just like that, 14 year old CW's dreams were shattered. 

- The tree isn't as disappointing as I'd expected it to be. This isn't to say I haven't seen bigger, I have. But there was something something special about the whole scene. I think it was my affinity for Home Alone 2, to be honest. The whole time I was begging my girlfriend to help me play out the end scene where Kevin is reunited with his mother, sadly we couldn't get the crowd to clear out so I could relive this magical moment (ps, watch that clip, its the only one I could find, and I'm pretty sure the guy bootlegging it is crying at the end, its touching and hilarious). 

- I still haven't been to the Empire State building, I was literally two blocks away at one point, didn't make it. This is killing me inside. I'm obsessed with that building, if my readers were my pyschologist right now, you'd be telling me I'm avoiding it because I'm afraid it can't live up to my expectations, and you'd be right. That's right folks, I'm afraid a building won't live up to my expectations.

- Pretty sure our group was in the background shot of the opening scene of a porn. We were in some trendy bar/social club, they were filming something in the lounge, it started out with some platinum blonde girl with a painted on white dress chatting it up with some brunette chick, and then all of a sudden a guy appeared and schmoozed with the two of them, before leaving to go up to the hotel. The camera men gave some vague answer about it being some Bravo reality show, but it wasn't Millionaire matchmaker and it wasn't any of the real housewives, so I think he was just covering. 

- NYC Cabs SUCK. Worse than Boston. That's a fact. First of all, there's 1000's of them, and getting one to stop is impossible. Secondly, when they do stop, they play every trick in the book. One guy told me he didn't know how to get to Brooklyn, he legit said "do you take the Brooklyn Bridge?" I legit said, "are you fucking kidding me?" and got out. Another asked if I had cash because his meter wasn't working, I told him I see it and its working, he said it doesn't matter, I told him to take a hike. The third, and final one, made it from Mid Town to just over the Brooklyn bridge in about 7 minutes. I was in the front seat fearing for my life the entire ride. 

- The MTA < the MBTA, and that's a fact. They don't have electric boards or loudspeaker announcements at the stations! Its unbelievable. We stood from 1 AM- 2AM waiting for a train to arrive, that was never coming because it wasn't running that night, only the only way you'd know that is if you looked at the 11x11 piece of paper all the way back up stairs, announcing the stoppage in service that night. And it's not like we were the only ones, there was like 25 of us just waiting. Not that the sassy black woman in the booth helped us at all. I get that sitting in a bullet proof booth for the 12 AM- 7 AM shift may not have been your career ambition, but how about not letting 20 people all go down and wait for a FUCKING HOUR in the middle of the night, for a train that is not coming.  I never thought I'd miss the MBTA.

- You probably shouldn't buy tickets to some comedy show from some guy who looks borderline homeless on the street. The tickets were real, but 95% of the show I was cringing instead of laughing. The first 3 guys just made jokes about how they're in their mid 30's and how Pot has ruined their lives. Great, thanks for depressing the fuck out of me. The drink we ordered was made with straight rubbing alcohol, and at one point some French guy got on stage, and his whole act was, I shit you not, saying things like "I'll Tea Bag You So HARD (in french accent)." Traumatizing.

- A 38oz. steak is exactly as big as it sounds. It's also delicious. 

-Anyone that works in an office at Times Square that manages to get anything, is a borderline miracle worker. You'd absolutely find me staring out the window and watching commercials on those brilliant HDTV's all day. 

- Getting out of NYC is still the worst driving experience one can have. It took an hour to exit the city limits, an hour. There is a bridge for just about every exit plan, except for those of us looking to get the hell out of New York and through Connecticut. Build another Bridge and reserve it for Massachusetts drivers only. Please.