Guy With Mullet Whistling on TV: I'm not First? Oh, Shit

Did I do it? Did I beat every other blog on earth to posting this video this morning? No, ok. Keep trying I guess.

I feel like for the better part of the late 80's and early 90's, we were all pretty much redneck hicks. There's nothing wrong with this guys fashion sense, it was just the in trend...I mean look at the crowd, I'm pretty sure at 1:14 mark you see the model for Bounty Paper Towels just chilling in the crowd. Every kid in there looks like they were dressed from the Salvation Army, when really that was just the fall of 1990's hottest look from Bugle Boy. I've looked at old family photos from the 1985-1991 time period, and you'd swear my Dad and Uncles were having some kind of Cousin Eddie look-a-like contest at the family BBQ. Simply put, we were a rag-tag country for those few years, and this guys whistling gave us all hope.

And I'll say one thing, the guy, despite all appearances to the contrary, is a consumate professional. Got up there and did his thing for 2:30 minutes, even with the lady running the whole show not offering the dude water before he started. Not to mention the fact that the set was literally falling apart at the end of the video. Just a true professional in every sense of the word.

PS: for an absolute hick, this guy must have had a surprisingly good dental plan.

Double PS: I've just now spotted my favorite person in the crowd, and its this dude:

I see you, looking all, Colonel Sanders meets Studio 54. Play on playa.

Latest Smoking Health Scare: Women's Nipples Just Falling Off

CNN - I cringe every time I see a patient for a breast lift who is a smoker. I’m deathly afraid that despite my warnings, she will smoke before or after surgery and cause her nipples to turn black and fall off.Yes. Smokers who undergo breast lifts are at great risk of losing their nipples. I’ve seen it before.

It has boggled my mind for years now why people still smoke, yes I understand that it's addictive, but exactly how week willed are you people? Cancer, smelling fucking gross, looking gross, emphysema, probably gout, grossest teeth imaginable, heart disease, wasting money, standing outside in the rain and cold weather, and now, blackened and detached nipples.  How is it worth it? How is sucking on a piece of paper with some burnt leaves worth it?  You guys are retarded. Sorry to be blunt, but you're retarded. If nipples falling off doesn't get you to be like "whoa, this might not be the best thing for me, I should quit," then you should probably just be removed from society, because frankly, you're holding us a species back.

Sincerely,

Non-Smokers who think you're Retarded.

Bathroom at My Office is like Grand Central Station at 11 AM

It's to the point where I'd be better off moving my desk to the shitter, ala Dwight.

It's like all the guys in my office's bowel movements have synched up the way women's menstrual cycles do in dorms and when they live together, its just bizarro stuff. We're talking packed, every stall taken, people just leaning on the walls waiting (which I've never understood, there's like 5 bathrooms per floor, but you'll choose to stand there and waft the fresh smell of turd over walking 2 minutes down the hall) for an opening. 

And the thing is, it's not like I even have to take a shit most days, I just happen to schedule one of my blogs to post at 11 AM each day, I'm really only there to post it on twitter and make sure everything got up ok. Can't a guy blog and tweet on the shitter at work in peace? Is that too much to ask? 

And yes, I could easily just change the schedule, maybe post at 11:30 instead, but then I'd be going to the shitter twice in the span of an hour, because I always go for a quick 12:15 break to the handicap stall to check up on Barstool, and see if anyone tweeted at me to increase my Klout score and check the Facebook feed. So you can see the dilemma from my end. A fixed amount of bathroom trips necessary to run the blog, and a pack of synched up bowels all dumping out and fixed points in time during the day. 

PS: Yes, I posted this at 11 AM. I'm a stubborn creature of habit.

Latest Briliant Idea from the Post Office: Slower Mail, to Save the Business.

Fox News - The U.S. Postal Service, having lost 29 percent of its first-class mail volume in the last decade, will slow its delivery service beginning next spring -- the first time in 40 years -- in an effort to eliminate nearly $3 billion in costs for the cash-strapped agency. "We have to do this in order for the Postal Service to become financially viable," said David E. Williams, vice president of network operations for USPS, who noted Monday that the organization expects to have a $14 billion debt this year.

Hey, why stop there? Why not sell the fleet of ridiculous looking trucks and go out and purchase a pony for every delivery man, really get back to your roots.

This has to be the most ass-backward business plan I've ever heard. The first time anyone has ever, with a straight face, proposed to make their business WORSE, in hopes of making it more fiscally solvent. 

It's almost as if they put no thought whatsoever into this plan. Do they honestly think the few remaining people using the mail for things like, bills, and waste of money holiday cards, are going to continue using the mail service now that it's going to take a fortnight for grandmas card and her $20 bill to reach its destination? Hell no, Grandma, get on Paypal, send those funds electronically.  By the same token, no one is going to be sitting there with a calendar and an abacus trying to figure out how early they have to send out this months car payment so it reaches them on time, the last remaining bills will be switched to on-line bill pay. 

Why can't we just call a spade a spade? The Post Office is a miserably failing business with wayyyy too much overhead. The fact that a company could lose $14 BILLION in one year, all while simply delivering pieces of paper door to door, is astounding. Guys, as a 10-15 year old kid, I had a paper route, 45 houses every day, all it cost me was a new tire for my Huffy every 6 months or so. I don't have some ridiculous pension, didn't have benefits, nor should I have. I was going door to door putting things into peoples mail boxes, it's not exactly the kind of gig you'd think should be union and pension worthy. Just cancel the post office, save us all a lot of money in taxes, and let neighborhood kids deliver the mail. It's pretty simple.

New Website Lets Parents Rent Toys for their Kids, Like the Netflix of Toys

This is the best, worst idea I've ever heard of. Ever.

Best, because as a kid I would have absolutely demanded a 4-piece battalion set of Nerf Guns and me and my friends would have staged an absolute guerrilla war in my basement the likes of which people haven't seen since 'Nam. It finally would have been as fun as those commercials always make it out to be. Everyone has a gun with like 20 rounds of ammunition, none of that fire 4 darts and then have to go scour under the couch to pick it up shit. Just pure crossfire at its best.

The worst idea because I'd 100% be shipping things back broken or missing pieces. You're talking about kids, the most destructive force known to Earth. I don't think I had a toy from childhood that wasn't Jerry-rigged together with rubber bands and tape after a few weeks. We, as children, are just a violent breed, plain and simple. 

Second reason its the worst idea? Be prepared for your kids to absolutely HATE you for a couple of weeks after you ship their new favorite toy back to the internet. I can't think of a more traumatizing thing as a child. Like "Hey Johnny, glad you've enjoyed playing with this Thomas the Tank Engine set, but the people of the World Wide Web need it back. Don't worry though, they're sending Percy next." Percy sucks.  All green, not cute like Thomas. I would throw a two week temper-tantrum if that ever happened to me. You don't mess with a kid and his toys.  I once ordered a set of 3-D sun glasses from a cereal box, saved up my 3 UPC's, mailed them in, and never got the glasses.  I held a grudge against that mailman all summer long. Setting boobie traps along the side walk, leaving gross shit in the mailbox for him to stick his hand into, and straight up mean mugging him from my stoop. Like I said, you do not mess with a kids toys.

Does The Alt-Tab Need to Host a College Bowl Game?

Full list on ESPN

Serious question, can I just host a bowl game? It can't be more than filling out a few forms and picking up a couple additional sponsors, right? I mean the hardest part must be finding two teams that have got nothing going on this holiday season, because everyone, and I mean everyone, gets a bowl invite these days. It's like Tee-Ball when you're 5 or 6 years old now, every kid ends up with a trophy at the end of the season (even though as a 6 year old I could count and we clearly fucking won that game, I'm not bitter or anything). To be frank, if you're in the crowd for the Gilden New Mexico game sporting Temple v. Wyoming, and you're n ot the parent of some kid in the game, you seriously need to re-evaluate your life choices.  

But back to my first question, can anyone just host one these things? Like if I go down to say Everett town hall today, acquire the necessary permits to use their football stadium for the day, could I go out and get a couple of teams? Maybe pit two local schools against each other, like North Shore Community College against Bunker Hill? Or maybe two schools with defunct football programs, like Northeastern v. UMass Lowell? The schools could hold try outs, grab a playbook off line, and hold a few practices before their December 28th show down? 

This may sound like a pipe dream, and it may be a little too late to do it this year, but I'm going to seriously consider running this next year. I mean, its high time The Alt-Tab took its place along side legendary Bowl sponsors like the SD County Credit Union and the Famous Idaho Potato's. Borderline embarrassing that the NCAA hasn't approached me yet.

Larry King Announces He'd Like to Be Frozen at the Weirdest Dinner Party Ever.

(CNN) -- "I want to be frozen on the hope that they'll find whatever I died of and bring me back," Larry King told a shocked group of dinner guests gathered at his Beverly Hills home for a party hosted by him and his wife, Shawn. "CNN Presents: A Larry King Special: Dinner with the Kings" airs at 8 p.m. ET Sunday. No topic was off-limits when Conan O'Brien, Tyra Banks, Shaquille O'Neal, Seth MacFarlane, Jack Dorsey, Quincy Jones and Russell Brand discussed friendship, insecurities, success, worries, life, death and nearly everything in between. MacFarlane asked the CNN host whether he was "maybe a little obsessed with your own mortality, like I am?" "Oh, I fear death," King told the "Family Guy" creator. "My biggest fear is death, because I don't think I'm going anywhere. And since I don't think that, and I don't have a belief ... I'm married to someone who has the belief, so she knows she's going somewhere."

Weirdest fucking dinner party ever. Shaq, Tyra, Conan, Seth MacFarlane, Russell Brand, and Larry King all walk into a bar...make up your own joke from there...I'm genuinely interested in knowing what small talk Tyra Banks and Seth MacFarlane could have possibly shared, outside of comparisons of both of their ginormous foreheads.

But on to the main topic here, Larry King fearing death and wanting to be frozen so he could later be brought back to life...Hey Larry, I think the evidence is pretty clear here, death fears you,  not the other way around.  In a year where heavy weights like Andy Rooney, Heavy D, and the guy who invented the Family Circus cartoon all died, and your corpse is still ticking, I'd say we have pretty good proof that you're Unbreakable. You're like the real life Montgomery Burns, living of the blood off young children, sleeping during the day to avoid sunlight, shit like that.

Further more, if you took a poll of people under the age of 25, I'm willing to bet most of them would assume you'd already been frozen and thawed out once before. You're that freaking old. It wouldn't be hard to believe that we froze you for a few years back in say, 1995, and just thawed you out like 4 years ago. Hell, I'm talking myself into it right now, and I know it's not true.

Juvenile's "Back that Azz Up" Holds Up Really Well to the Test of Time

You can admit it, you got pretty excited when you heard those first few notes kick in, that familiar "awww yeaahhhh" feeling crept over you, maybe you hunched your shoulders forward, bent your knees ever so slightly, and got your crip walk on, or maybe that part was just me...But I'll guarantee you this, you didn't feel disappointed, and that's amazing. 

Now think about this, Back that Azz up is 13 years old! It's almost as old as 'tween sensation Lil Wayne was when he invented the phrase drop it like its hot, on this song as a 16 year old. That's how old this song is, it invented drop it like its hot. Snoop has lived off that phrase for the better part of a decade now, shit is amazing.  

I could never have imagined as a high school freshmen, that this band of hooligans, led by Mannie Fresh, Juvenile, and then "hot boy" lil wayne would revolutionize the rap game, but that's exactly what they did. Like yesterday, I heard this song on the radio and straight up got my swerve on in the car. Doing all the "white guy listening to rap" moves.  The weird hand signals, bobbing my head a little faster than the beat, reclined in the driver seat just a little bit (but remembered to adjust my mirrors, safety first folks), and just annihilated this song. If a song doesn't die from me creeping all over it on my way to pick up Texas Roadhouse To-Go, you know its got legs. Just an absolutely legendary song.


PS: what the hell ever happened to Juvenile and his ridiculous fronts?

The Greatest Cat Fight of All Time; Blake Lively V. Scarlett Johansson...Please, Get it On!

Fox News - It looks like an A-list cat fight has broken out between Scarlett Johansson and Blake Lively–and it’s all over Johansson’s hottie ex-husband, Ryan Reynolds. “Scarlett is pissed that he’s not under her spell anymore,” a source snitched to Us Weekly. “She realized what a great catch Ryan was.”

First of all, let me just say this, Ryan Reynolds is the LUCKIEST guy with a set of abs on earth. Let's just be clear about that. These two girls aren't after him for his acting chops, I like the guy, but he's no DiCaprio or anything, I mean he starred in Just Friends and Waiting, back to back.  This is a purely carnal thing, and good for him.

  Next up, can we just proclaim right here and now that this is absolutely the hottest girl fight of all time? I honestly feel they both owe the public a debt of gratitude and should put on an actual cat fight, no holds barred, on pay per view. I'm going to go out on a limb and say I could find 5-10 friends who'd be willing to chip in for the $1,000 viewing fee it would surely command. I think even a purist boxing fan would take Blake v. ScarJo over Pacquiao - Mayweather, that's how historic this fight would be. Come on ladies, make this happen.