Let's Hope My Flight Today Goes a Bit Better Than Yesterday's Flight From Hell

What kinda swag are you looking at when you complain about your daughter being pissed on mid-flight?

Fox News - Chaos erupted on a JetBlue red-eye flight from Portland, Ore., to New York's John F. Kennedy Airport when a drunk man allegedly urinated on a sleeping 11-year-old girl, the New York Post reports. The youngster was traveling with her sister and father on the flight Wednesday, and had been left alone for a few minutes while the others used the lavatories. Robert Vietze, 18, of South Warren, Vt., stumbled from his seat five rows behind her and emptied his bladder, a witness said. "I was drunk, and I did not realize I was p***ing on her leg," Vietze said, according to law-enforcement sources. He later claimed to have consumed eight alcoholic beverages. The girl's father caught Vietze midstream. "I woke up to this man yelling and literally looking like he was about to punch [Vietze] in the face," said the witness, who asked not to be identified. Flight attendants separated the pair and moved Vietze to the back of the plane. They attempted to clean up the mess with liquid soap from the bathrooms, and helped to comfort the traumatized girl. But the five-and-a-half hour flight from hell was not over yet. Roughly an hour before the plane landed, another passenger began to complain of chest pains, then vomited. "Is anybody on this flight a nurse or a doctor?" the pilot said over the public-address system. "We have a medical emergency." With no volunteers, the flight crew kept the man calm and tried to tidy him up, again raiding the liquid-soap container.

Good news is, this can't possibly happen two days in a row, right? So my trip should be relatively uneventful.

First of all, what's with the flight crew pretending like liquid hand sanitizer is some kinda magic 'Tussin, wiping that shit all over the place, piss stains, vomit stains, heart attack victims, I don't get it...Like the girl's traumatized, take it easy with the frigen soap and help calm her down. This article makes it sound like all the problems in the world will be solved with a little liquid soap, meanwhile that guy probably died a couple hours later because all they gave him was some Purell.

Second of all, how awkward of a situation are we talking about at the baggage claim carousel for this flight?  Robert Vietze, the drunk bro just waiting for his bags while this girls Dad is just straight fuming, standing like two inches away giving him the death stare, Drunky-Mcgee trying his hardest to pretend he doesn't see him.  I'd have paid upwards of $20 to watch that situation play out.

Former Inmates Sneaking Back Into Prison

SACRAMENTO, Calif. – An ex-inmate was arrested at California's New Folsom Prison after he was caught sneaking back onto the prison grounds nearly two years after his release. Marvin Lane Ussery, 48, was paroled in 2009 after serving time for a robbery charge at the prison in Sacramento, Calif., Fox40.com reports. Ussery reportedly returned to the prison grounds some time overnight Wednesday, and officers spotted him using thermal imaging equipment. Officials aren't sure why Ussery returned to the prison.

Red: These walls are funny. First you hate 'em, then you get used to 'em. Enough time passes, you get so you depend on them. That's institutionalized.

Heywood: Shit. I could never get like that.

Prisoner: Oh yeah? Say that when you been here as long as Brooks has.

Red: Goddamn right. They send you here for life, and that's exactly what they take. The part that counts, anyway. 

Prison officials don't know why inmates are sneaking back into prison? They've never seen Shawshank? Faced with the comforts and familiarity in prison, or, an economic disaster, unemployment up the ass, natural disasters every 3 fucking weeks, and no good day time TV since Oprah left, what would you choose.  For sure you'd take those prison walls...3 square a day, quality hang time with the bros, and a free gym, and all the Obamacare you can get. 

Institutionalized indeed.

Verizon Picketers Are Really Starting To Piss People Off

Boston Globe - As 6,000 Verizon employees strike across Massachusetts this week, some Waltham business workers are complaining that the demonstrations are causing traffic delays in an already congested area of town. Verizon Laboratories, which has two locations near Winter Street in Waltham, has hosted approximately 35 picketers between the two buildings since Monday, according to Waltham Police Chief Thomas LaCroix.Donna Zacharewicz, a Gardner resident who commutes every day to Waltham, said she takes the 128 Business Council shuttle to the commuter station after work, but has been missing the train’s strict arrival time. “If I miss my train then I miss my last bus and have to take a cab, which is $30 a night - an extra $150 week I can't afford,” Zacharewicz said. “The shuttle I take has no Verizon employees, the bus doesn’t go to Verizon, it has nothing to do with Verizon, so why are they making their problems our problems?” “They’re striking for $100 per month on healthcare costs, but it’s okay for me to spend an extra $150 per week to commute?” she said. “They’re not protesting in a positive way. If they want to make their concerns heard, they need to do it in a more positive way than spreading misery. They’re just making people around them mad.”

Preach Donna Zacharewicz, Preach!  First it was the threats of sabotage and cutting phone lines, now it's screwing with people's commutes? Not cool Verizon Union, not cool.

You want to go ahead and be miserable and quasi-unemployed for a few weeks, by all means, that's your perrogative, but don't drag the rest of us into it...the rest of us have normal jobs, don't depend on contracts, and aren't out their making employment demands for entitlements during the absolute worst jobs situation in a century, just glad to be working. Go nuts if you guys want to, just leave us the fuck out. 

I don't give a shit about your contract, you're not some poor mill worker in the early 19th century, what the hell do you even have a union for? Do ATT workers? Or Sprint?  Seems to me Verizon is the only major telecom company I've heard of going on strike, which begs the question, why on earth would even want to work in a union?  This is two strikes in the last 2-3 years.  That's weeks worth of no paychecks that you'll never get back, I mean, are you really thinking this through?

Police In New Hampshire Have A Serious Massachusetts Inferiority Complex

He's got a gun!

(FOX25 / MyFoxBoston.com) - The Pelham Police Department is asking residents to be on the lookout for a suspicious man seen in the Veteran’s Park on Mammoth Road, possibly carrying a rifle. Patrol units and State Troopers evacuated the park to do a search but all came up with negative results. Police believe this man is not a threat at this time but are encouraging anyone who sees suspicious activity or individuals to contact the Pelham Police department.

10-1 odds he was just carrying a stick, just New Hampshire and their old Boston/mass inferiority complex rearing its ugly head.  Just can’t handle that we’re a real state with real news and issues. Like I can definitely see the Pelham cops sitting around watching the news about the shootout in Brighton yesterday, feeling all sorry for themselves and then overreacting to some guy carrying a walking stick through park, manufacturing this news story out of thin air. I see your game NH.

Most Annoying Thing in the World? Fire Alarm with Dead Batteries

Is there anything more annoying than the fire alarm who’s battery is dying?  Like without fail it happens at 2 in the morning, when no one in their right mind is getting up to change it, except you’re not sleeping with that incessant BEEP!, every 90 seconds, just not happening…so you get up to change it, and in the aggravation of the whole process you’ve completely woken yourself up,  your nights sleep is shot.

But it get’s worse…because fire alarms take those retarded square shaped batteries, everyone has a bunch of those lying around, right? They’re so handy…for sure, not. Fairly certain that the fire alarm industry is the only thing keeping  Retarded Square battery (refuse to call it by its name) in business.

And it get’s even worse…I have 15 foot ceilings, and god for-fucking bid we put these things a reasonable height, so your average non-jolly green giant can rectify the situation. I go down to the utility room to find a ladder, the 4 foot ladder is there. I’m 5’10 with shoes on. I can’t reach. End result, I suffer through the incessant beeping for 2 days until some dickhead neighbor finally returns the big ass ladder to the uitility room and I climb up it, risking my life and limb after a couple of beers to finally put my long national nightmare to rest.

I understand they’re for safety, but I’m seriously starting to question the logic behind that..because if I wake up one more frigen time to that sound in the next year, I’m going to kill someone. Just snap and go on a homicidal rage, and my defense will be the fire alarm made me to it. And, I’m pretty sure I’d get off, not a member of the jury that wouldn’t sympathize with my situation. 

Brokers With Hands on their Faces Blog Is Killing My Readership

(EndPlay Staff Reports) - It's hard to find any humor on Wall Street this week, especially with the downgrade from the S&P; however, a few blogs aim to entertain with pictures of stock brokers at their lowest lows. One of those blogs, The Brokers With Their Hands on Their Faces Blog , is making a comeback with new pictures of devastated brokers from this week. The blog, created by Matthew R. Robison, was a viral internet sensation back in 2008 during the first economic crisis, The New York Times reported. Robinson's blog simply features pictures and no commentary. Images range from brokers with their hands slapped to their foreheads, to fingers pinching the bridges of noses. The 28-year-old had all but left the blog to fend for itself back in 2009, when he started getting emails from viewers all around the world when the market began falling last week.

Just what I needed, more fucking blogging competition…you traders are already making my day job worse by the frigen minute, now you’ve got to come mess this up for me too? Whatever this is.

 What a cunt-bastard too, all but ditching a blog for 2 years, coming back just to strike when the iron’s hot? Where’s the dedication bro? How are people fooled by this phony…I’m out here busting my ass every single day, for like an average of .20 cents an hour, and this guy can just post a few pictures and captions and garner millions of hits and be a media darling after outright quitting two years ago? That's just not right, not right at all. I’m sitting here, worried about if I’ll have any readers left when I get back from a two week vacation and this guy’s rolling in internet traffic, profiting on our economies misery. The world’s a dicked up place.

Are These "Stars Without Their Makeup" Pieces Supposed to Boost My Self-Esteem?

Fox News - Check out which stars look plain frumpy without makeup and who should fire their makeup artists.

I  never understand how I’m supposed to feel when I read stories like this, which I find myself doing all too often. Am I supposed to feel pride that stars looking like shit look just like I do when I look like shit? Because it’s not doing it for me…

Like, sure everyone looks like a goblin when they’re hungover, unshowered, strung out on heroine, etc…the difference is when these people actually get ready to go out, they look 1000x better than I ever do,  and I’m not an ugly dude, it’s just not even close. 

You want to boost my self-esteem show me pics of Heidi and Spencer living in his parents basement because they're broke, that's the kind of stuff that warms my heart and enables me to get through my days...not knowing that celebrities who look like shit look just like me, that's just mean.

Stock Market Plunges Again...Can We Just Shut The Stock Market Down for a Few Days?

Maybe one reason for the insanity is we have babies trading stocks?

Boston - Back to reality and back down, Wall Street focused on the bleak landscape ahead for the economy Wednesday and wiped out its big gains from a day earlier — and then some. The Dow Jones industrial average closed down 519 points and has now lost more than 2,000 in less than three weeks. Swings of several hundred points in just minutes, accelerated by computerized trading, have become commonplace. This time, the selling was intensified by worries about in Europe. American bank stocks took hits because investors fretted that debt problems overseas might reach the United States. France came under pressure amid concerns that it could follow the U.S. and become the next country to lose its top AAA rating. The French president cut his vacation short and promised to slash the nation’s debts.

How about just don’t open the fucking stock market today? Just don’t fucking do it. Monday either for that matter…Let everything shake out for a few days, digest the cluster fuck of information that’s been thrown out there this past week, and then go back at it fresh on Tuesday, clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose (am I using that right?).

The thing is, I’m tired of working until after 8 pm this week, it sucks. Just sitting in my cube trying to figure out what the hell went on during the day…it’s mind boggling to keep up with right now. Like one second Tuesday I’m getting ready for a depressing night, DOW down 250 and sinking, literally 18 minutes later it’s closing up 400…how the fuck am I supposed to react to that? How is that rational? Goddamnit!

So for the good of the country, and for my own personal sanity, just shut that shit down for a few days, lock the doors, don’t let the traders near computers, and lets figure this shit out together (frigen traders, flipping the switch from buy to sell depending on the direction of the cross wind, I blame those asshats for just about everything). 

CW Critiques All the "People You Don't Want to Sit Next to on a Plane" Lists

Guyism - It’s the middle of the summer. There’s a whole lot of traveling going on. You’ve either recently been on a plane, are currently on a plane, or will be on a plane in the near future. So, you’re more than familiar with the “seating lottery.” You know, those horrible few minutes when you’re sitting in your assigned seat praying you end up next to a Kate Upton look-alike who smells like a vanilla bean, when in reality, you’ll end up next to one of the following people on this list.

So this story has been all over the place the past few days and the timing couldn’t be more perfect  with CW going on a two week vacation starting this Friday afternoon…yea that’s right, you’ll have to adjust for a couple weeks without my daily blogs of sunshine and roses, and cynical skepticism. I’ll still keep you updated with a batch of links a day, maybe a post every now and then, but anything more than that and I’m sure the girlfriend would kill me or ground me from the internet or something…Dr. Jack would be kind to give an update or two, and I’m pretty sure gambling season is around the corner (COUGH, Maestro, COUGH)

Anyway…I’m not sure this could have been a more pointless article. It’s not that I disagree that all of these people are annoying, but I’m certain you could have just stopped at: People are Annoying to sit next to on an airplane…no need to further expunge.

I’ve straight up hated just about everyone I’ve ever sat next to on an airplane (family and friends excluded). It’s just an aggravating situation, some stranger sharing elbow and thigh room with you for anywhere from 45 minutes to half a day, breathing the same 3x3 feet space of air, doing everything possible to annoy you.

And I don’t think I’m perfect either, I’m annoying as shit to sit next to , the most figety person you’ll ever meet. Adjusting my arms, adjusting my legs, grabbing my magazine, putting it back, adjusting my crotch, attempting to sleep, adjusting my crotch, grabbing my magazine, adjusting my crotch, biting my nails, biting my nails, attempting to sleep…it’s gotta be exhausting for the people next to me to try and keep track of what I’m up to.

It’s no ones fault, people just weren’t meant to be stuffed into steel tube shoulder to shoulder for hours on end. Throw in the fact that whoever designed the airplane chair is a complete dickhead (seriously, why does the top of the chair lean forward, who the fuck wants to crane their neck forward for an entire flight? How has that not been rectified yet?) and you’ve got a recipe for disaster…the fact that multiple fistfights per flight don’t break out is a minor miracle.