Man Finds Gun on Car in Parking lot of....Yep, Walmart!

NICEVILLE - If you left your loaded .22 caliber handgun on the bumper of a car at Walmart, the Niceville Police Department would like a word with you. On April 22 they were summoned to the Walmart on John Sims Parkway by a man who said he and his wife were leaving the store when his wife went to the passenger side of the car and knocked something off the back bumper. When she reached under the car to find what she thought she had dropped, the found a handgun. She gave it to her husband. The man emptied the weapon and called police. He gave them six .22-caliber rounds of ammunition and the gun itself, a chrome Ruger revolver. The man told police he had no idea where the gun came from or whom it may belong to. Police say the gun had not been reported stolen.

This could only happen in a Walmart parking lot.  No, not the fact that someone left a gun on the bumper, that could happen at any place of work with disgruntled employees, or any inner city bodega parking lot.  I'm talking about the fact that the guy who found it happened to know enough about gun safety to empty the weapon before calling authorities.

No joke, CW finds a heater in the parking lot he's liable to accidentally empty the clip on some poor woman's Corolla.  Wouldn't have a clue.  And that's the way I like it.  I generally feel safer shopping in areas where people unloading their groceries can't casually disarm a gun with one hand while securing a carton of eggs in the back seat with the other.  

I'll Kick the First Person I See Wearing Anti-Soccer Diving Shin Guards

God damnit people, leave soccer alone.

Hey asshole, thanks for ruining my sport.  Yea it's a sport for pussies, but it's our sport and we'll flop if we want to.  And since you're such a smart ass tell me something, how does the sensor know if I kicked myself on the way down, or that the ball didn't set it off? Riddle me that prick. 

Diving is just a part of the sport, like bitching in basketball, calling for time in baseball, and faking injuries late in the 4th quarter in football.  It's all in the game. No one is claiming soccer players are the toughest athletes on earth, as a group we probably rank slightly above cross country runners and about 10 notches above Chris Bosh.  But that's the way we like it, and that's the way its going to continue on.  

And I'll totally kick the first jackass I see wearing these right in their ball sack.  See if the buzzer goes off for that, jackass.

Such a pure game.

Stepping into the Cougar Den: My Trip to a Journey and Hall & Oates Tribute Show

Yeah, pretty bizarre title, but it's true.  CW ventured out with the gf and a couple of friends this weekend for a little taste of the 70s and 80's. And let me tell you something, it was exactly what you'd expect to see.

Just old woman everywhere, wearing clothes they hadn't gotten to wear in years. Low cut v-necks, jeans with non-mom waists, big hair, you name it, someone was flaunting it.  Smelled like an odd mixture of old woman cologne and mosquito repellant (I know weird, maybe because they applied it to their kids that day? I didn't understand it myself).  

Anyway, the night kicked off with the Hall & Oates tribute band "Maneater."  In enjoyable fashion they proceeded to roll off hit after hit from the classic 80's duo (I'd have guessed ambiguously gay before Sat night, but after that scene I realized they had quite the lady following, no way they made it out of their hey-day gay).  Old ladies grinding their old lady parts all over the dance floor, it was quite the scene.

As for the Journey tribute band of who's name I did not catch, they sucked. I didn't catch the name because I was a bit preoccupied with the pretentious douche of a singer.  Not being a child of the 70's or 80's I'm not quite sure if this is what he was supposed to be going for, but I'm guessing not.  Of everything I've heard about Steve Perry, no one has ever said "preening asshole."  First off, he looked like Howie Mandell, which is a huge strike against you in my book, and secondly he sang more like Adam Lambert than Perry.  Plus the bastards played "B" sides the entire night, like 3 songs that I knew.  What kind of Journey tribute band doesn't play their hits?  Buddy, they were a pop-rock band. We didn't show up to hear their more musically pure offerings. We showed up for the radio hits.

Did the old women like it? Yea it seemed so, but it seemed to be more of the booze dancing at that point than them really feeling it. You could have played just about anything at that point, the cougars were just out for the win and they weren't going to be denied.

Kid's Hill Racing Ruined By Errant Light Posts

Has anyone explained why there are light posts in the middle of this grass hill? Who's the genius that drew up that plan? Probably was some kind of safeguarding attempt to stop hillside rapes but didn't think about the innocent children and their wild hill races.

Where is this taking place? The Shire? Those high pitched giggling girls were clearly elf's (or elfen? I don't know the terminology), right? And I assume that foreign language I didn't know was Hobbit speak.

Local Church Man Blackmailed into Supplying Cocaine to Prisoners to Cover Up his Porn Stash

LOWELL (FOX 25 / MyFoxBoston.com) - A chaplain is accused of funneling drugs to inmates at a local prison, but he says he had no choice because they were blackmailing him. Deacon William Emerson says he was supplying drugs to inmates because they were blackmailing him over his pornography collection, according to this report from the Middlesex sheriff’s department.

I'm not quite sure what a chaplain is, from what I gather he's just a guy that likes the church, but not to the point of liking it enough to become a priest, right? Well either way, I'm guessing I'm close.  So I fail to see what this guys logic here was.  So what if a bunch of prisoners know you've got a porn stash? Who cares? You're not a priest/reverend, and even if you were, who's going to believe a convicted felon blabbering on about porn over a church dude?

And I'm not even sure that's against Chaplain rules anyway (again I don't really even know what a Chaplain is, so I'm really just speculating, but roll with me).  I mean you're not hardcore like a monk or priest, I'd think a little nudy mag now and again is cool.  Either way the big guy upstairs knows about it, it's not like slanging rock for inmates was going to make God turn a blind eye on your Hustler collection.  Pushing coke on the inmates was really the ultimate lose/lose decision here.

Is It Ok to Buy a Book about Osama, Or Will I End Up Flagged by the Government?

So what's the deal with buying books about Osama these days? I've become very interested in the subject matter this week (obviously), but I can't help but envision myself checking out of the book store and being taken down commando style while some security guard yells SWARM, SWARM as the cashier gives me my change.  

Obviously I don't need that happening, so is there a proper way to do this without being flagged as some kind of nut job?  The Maestro suggested I use cash, but I never carry cash more than like $10 anymore, who does? That's for the commoners.  Maybe bring my old school ID so they think it's for academic purposes? That would get me in the clear I think.

Of course my other conundrum I don't think is as easily solvable. See, I pretty much only read on vacations, which means I do all my book shopping at the Hudson News stand in the airport.  I think I'm safe in assuming there is no way of getting around being randomly selected for for a "backroom" TSA screening if I'm seen purchasing a bin Laden book before boarding my flight.  I'm sure I'd eventually end up on a flight, but my feeling is it probably wouldn't be to my planned destination, probably just a first class ticket to Guantanamo.

Woman Awakes from Tooth Surgery with Transylvanian Accent

I assume she also started dressing like this?

Fox News - An Oregon woman who underwent anesthesia for oral surgery a year and a half ago woke up to find she looked the same, but sounded very different – she had developed foreign accent syndrome, Q13fox.com reported. Karen Butler, who lives in Butler, Ore., told The Oregonian she “sounded like (she) was from Transylvania,” and it softened a little over time – but she still has not recovered her original Northwestern tone.  Doctors diagnosed Butler with foreign accent syndrome, a neurological condition that has only been documented 60 times in the last 100 years. "What happens with foreign accent syndrome to the best of our understanding is that a very, very small part of the speech area is affected so that the normal intonation of speech gets altered," said Dr. Ted Lowenkopf, medical director of the Providence Stroke Center.

Sounds more like they should have diagnosed her with "fullofshititis."  Seriously, 60 cases in 100 years?  That's not a medical problem, that's 60 crazies yanking your chain.  Doesn't take a genius to realize these people are pulling one over on you, their own personal practical joke.  

Come on guys, you're doctors, you can't figure this shit out?  She got oral surgery, not brain surgery.  Unless the cpapacity for vocal tone is hidden in her upper incisors, this woman is just pulling a con.  I don't know what her end game is, but I can tell you she won't be fooling me. 

Boston's Greenway is back in the news. With more Cockamamie Ideas for a Thin Sliver of a Park

The Boston Society of Architects' recently announced the winner and runner-up of the annual Rotch design competition, a sort of American Idol for young architects. This year's winner of the Rotch Travelling Scholarship was Christopher Karlson of Cambridge, who receives $37,000 and will spend eight months traveling the world studying architecture.

Well, the Greenway is in the news...again. This time for some "young architect contest." I wish I'd been asked to be a part of this little sham of a contest.  My design would have been absolutely nothing, just a full scale model of the Greenway the way it presently is.  Maybe add a miniature sausage guy somewhere in there in case anyone gets hungry.

Seriously, WTF Boston. Haven't we been over this before? And not just on here, but with other failed proposals, year after year?  What's wrong with just having a park for a parks sake? Is there something so abhorrent about having a ncie green park in the middle of the city for local residents to enjoy, someplace they can go relax, layout, walk their dog, take in the sights, and act douchey on their Ipads with the free city wifi?  Just a free, open space where people don't have to shell out a few bucks or a monthly fee to hang out for a few hours.

And seriously kids, what is that an Olympic center you've designed? Full gym surrounding an open air tennis court? Kid, the tennis court would literally take up the entire width of most spots on the Greenway.  There wouldn't be room for all your fancy treatement rooms or volleyball courts. 

And as for this part: "In addition to spaces for athletic endeavors, the space also houses social programs and is intended as a free and open 24 hour space."  That just means place for bums to hang out to me, is that what you want? A rec-hall for bums?

Can we just agree to leave this thing as a park and be done with this, please.

Guys Attempt at Subway Patriotism Fails Miserably

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Dude, when it's time for the slow clap, you'll just know...

What an asshat, huh? Trying to force his patriotism down everyone's throats.  Guy, there is a time and a place for that, and on the Way to work at 7 AM on a packed subway car aint the time.  Do those people look like they're ready for a pep rally to break out?  You see that one guy? He debated whether or not to kill you right then and there, I think everyone would have cheered for that.  Gotta know your audience bro, these weren't jubilant people, this was bound to fail from the start.

Plus, I cannot stand that kind of shit to begin with. Don't make me all uncomfortable about my patriotism, that shit is private.  There is nothing worse than jackasses who blatantly call attention to their views,  political, religious, or sporting, in the midst of strangers just trying to mind their own business.  You're fucking obnoxious.  You're not more enlightened than the rest of us, and contrary to your belief, we didn't all board this subway in the hopes of engaging in spirited debate or unbridled enthusiasm sponsored by some pretentious douche. Now sit down and shut up before that one man stabs you.