Why Woman Will Never Rule the World, Reason No. 43: Tampon Shortages

NEW YORK (CNNMoney) -- Women nationwide are searching high and low for a special kind of tampon that has been missing from shelves since the fall...no explanation as to why the tampons -- which have a cult-like following thanks to their small profile and lack of an applicator -- were off the shelves in the first place..."I've spent about 3 hours driving between 6 different stores today and yesterday, in heavy traffic, looking for OB tampons," one discouraged o.b. fan wrote in an online forum. "I couldn't find any at all, in any size!"Because the product is so unique, the shortage has led to a black market. While a box of o.b. tampons costs $7.49 at Rite Aid, eBay users have posted starting bids of as much as $130 for four boxes, taking advantage of the limited supply.

It's things like this that keep men in the majority of the power positions in America.  No one is going to follow a leader who's spending their afternoons frantically speeding between drug stores looking for tampons and pads, shits insane.  Can you even imagine rushing into your CEO's office only to find that she's too busy to comment on your company's upcoming merger because she's in a bidding war with some 15 year old high schooler over the last box of tampons on Ebay?  Sorry, that just can't be taken seriously.

And Tampon fan forums? I've tried for about two hours but cannot think of anything that remotely fits the male equivalent to that level of bat shit crazy.  I can confirm however that the thought of searching for a toilet paper message board or beard trimmer online support group has never entered my mind.  Meanwhile Jane Doe is out there in cyberspace twittering people about her favorite female products that fit her lifestyle best.

And for the record, I do not want to meet the bitch that is willing to pay $130.00 for tampons.  She must be an absolute brute each month.

At What Length Does A Hug Become Awkward

Awkward...and down right creepy.

The Atlantic Wire- In hugging, as in Olympic sports, a second or two can make all the difference. If you embrace someone and hastily retreat, you're cold. But linger too long and you're downright creepy. So it makes all the sense in the world that British psychologist Emese Nagy decided to investigate how long hugs should last by studying 128 spontaneous embraces among athletes at the Beijing 2008 Olympic Games. She concluded that humans, regardless of gender, hug for an average of three seconds, with an additional two seconds devoted to prepping for the hug and releasing the partner. Athletes embraced longer when their relationship was "supportive" rather than "competitive."

Well that settled nothing.  Unfortunately the appropriate time span for a hug doesn't have a cut and dry standard. It varies depending on the situation and the people involved.  For a more definitive answer I took the time that the author wasn't willing to to break down the list of possibilities:

1. Man on Man - 2 seconds tops. Anymore and I'll assume that you're trying to start a relationship, I'm not interested. This goes for all situations. I don't care if your dog just died or our favorite team just won the superbowl. 2 seconds.

2. Man on Woman (sympathy) - 4-5 seconds with a gentle rub of the upper back.  Don't venture too far south down the back, you'll risk exposing your true intentions if she's a friend. If she's a relative, well thats just downright awkward.

3. Man on Woman (Greeting, Attractive) - 5 seconds. The longest of our acceptable hugs. Arms should be firmly centered around lower back, let her know you're the captain of the ship, but still allow her to be comfortable at the same time.

4. Man on Woman (Greeting, Ugly) - 2 seconds. She's ugly, why linger and make it any more painful than it has to be.  Plus you risk the chance of somone else seeing you embracing an uggo. Never good for appearances.

5. Man on Family - 3 seconds with a polite smile and two pats on the back. The standard "good to see you" classic. This is the tuxedo of hugs. Works well for anyone.

6. Man on Friends Sister - 2-3 seconds max. Always ass-out style, don't be an asshole.

Man Who Robbed Bellagio Casino Finally Caught (video of robbery inside)

This video can't be serious, can it? Is it that easy to get rob a major Vegas casino? The guy is on a leisurely jog through the main lobby of The Bellagio with millions in chips and no one is around.  

Is the economic situation in Vegas right now really this bad? Where are all the people? The guests, the degenerates, the Mexican's handing out Upper Deck trading cards with Hooker's pictures and stats, the security guards, dudes in Ed Hardy shirts, and collagen filled women.  Where is everyone?

Best of the Blogs

Best of Scumbag Steve -I almost feel bad, for Blake, almost. Then I snapped out of it and thought of: Acts Like A Thug at Bars at night, Cries on his Therapist's Couch in the Morning.


6 Subtle Ways You're Getting Screwed at the Grocery Store - I'm not sure how they missed my favorite, getting cut by an immigrant that pretends not to speak English when you try to explain to them that you were in line first. Or does that not happen outside the Chelsea Market Basket?

Chic Sets Video Game Guinness World Record - Don't get too proud ladies, guys stopped playing this game 2 years ago, it would have been something worth bragging about if she'd done it then.  Not to mention that she's Asian, female, but Asian.  I guess it still counts, but its definitely on technicality, Guinness should have a big Barry Bonds sized asterisk next to that record.


Blind Guy Successfully Drives Car for 1.5 Miles - And thus one-ups everyone on the roads in Massachusetts except me yesterday.  I swear I'm the only one who knows how to drive.  The snow on the side of the road isn't like the bumpers on a kiddey bowling alley people, its not there to bounce you back into the lane.  If your car resembles Fred Flintstones foot powered wagon how about checking out a bus schedule on days it snows?

Props props props props props props...

Everyone loves a good prop bet. Normally they’re done to keep the game interesting in case it isn’t good, but with a close contest expected this year, I’ll be doing props because…well, because I’m a degenerate gambler. Here are a few to keep you entertained in between when you crack your first beer and when you crumble up your squares sheet:

Coin Toss – Heads (-105)/Tails (-105): What better place to start betting than the coin toss? I read somewhere yesterday that at one book 70% of the action is on heads. This surprised me because I feel like people always drop that stupid “tails never fails!” saying. Now I’m normally a “heads” guy, but I can’t resist the chance to go against the public, even in something with a 50/50 shot. The Pick: Tails

What will Christina Aguilera wear while singing the national anthem? Dress/Skirt -200, Pants +450, Booty Shorts +1600, Star Spangled Bikini +5000: Now unless I missed where she already announced what she was wearing, there seems to be great value in pants. I can just see Christina in a nice pair of stretchy black pants and classy top. I mean she’s always been a classy broad, right? And before the thousands of readers of The Alt Tab bombard me with emails and tweets (@Mazz33), no, it doesn’t make sense for someone who knows what she’s wearing to bet on this…there are $50 or $100 minimums on these outside the box props. The Pick: Pants +450

First Half Completions – Aaron Rodgers (-1.5) over Ben Roethlisberger: I know this is a fairly common line of thinking, but I think the Packers come out and spread the field like the Pats did against the Steelers and Rodgers throws it a bunch. Since Pittsburgh has such a strong run D, the Packers are going to have to throw the ball to set up the run. They’ve got the weapons to quick slant the Steelers to death. The Pick: Aaron Rodgers -1.5

Aaron Rodgers Over 2 TDs +125: As I’ve said, Green Bay is going to have to throw. I really don’t see him throwing only 1, so by my line of thinking, the worst case scenario is a push. This is a no brainer bet, as far as I’m concerned, especially if you’re getting plus juice. The Pick: Over 2 TDs +125

Heath Miller Receiving Yards – O/U 38.5: Miller had over 130 yards the last time these two teams met. The Packers allowed the 8th most yards to TEs, and allowed the 28th most for other receiving options. Pretty simple here. The Pick: Over 38.5

Will the game go to overtime? Yes +750, No -1100: Despite ESPN gambling “insider” Chad Millman’s outrageous/hilarious claim on the BS Report this week, “wise guys” don’t load up on “No” at -1100 every year just because the game has never gone to OT. I can give you 10 reasons why that’s not true, but “ripping on Chad Millman” will have to be saved for another time. Just ask yourself this: If this game is played 8 times, does it go to overtime once? I think so, and I think the value is more than enough to warrant a play on “yes”. The Pick: Yes +750

Tomorrow you’ll get my pick and a couple more props, which, like today, will be free of charge!

Boss Sued for Giving Employee Vibrator as Birthday Gift

Fox News - A Queens woman told her boss to take this job and shove it when he gave her a vibrating dildo for her birthday after months of sexually suggestive comments and unwanted come-ons, according to a lawsuit. But when she opened up Ibrahim Mansi's birthday gift to her in October 2009 and found a sex toy, she had had enough. "Usually, I get a cake for my employees," Olveira, 34, said he told her. "When I opened it, I saw this thing. I was like, what is this? I didn't know what to do in that moment. I went outside and took the bag and threw it in the garbage. I called him and said, 'Don't do that anymore.' He said, 'Come on, girl. You don't know how to enjoy your life.' "

I always thought it was the thought that counts?

Clearly the humor of the situation escaped her. Yes, sexual harrassment in the workplace is reprehensible, woman are people too, yada yada yada. That said, this woman missed the perfect opportunity to play along and get revenge at the same time.  Instead of making it all awkward for everyone that just witnessed you open the gift, why not re-wrap it, send it back with a simple post it note: 

For the next time you decide to fuck yourself, it has 3 speeds for your pleasure
Signed,
You'll be hearing from my lawyer

But no, she played it the plane Jane way. Could have been a legend, now I'll probably just read about you 6 months from now during HR's sexual harassment policy re-certification. 

Fan Follows Our Forefathers Footsteps, Punches Mascot on A Drunk Dare

Fan Punches Out Mascot at Hockey Game on Dare - Clearly the unnamed buddy was the smarter of the pair, since he bet O'Connell that he wouldn't do it. Under Hammered Guy Law, this meant that O'Connell absolutely had to do it, for reasons that can only Hammered Guy scholars can explain. -


I'm sorry, are you mocking this logic? It's worked for centuries and gotten us to where we are today as a society so I think I'd take a step back for a second and appreciate just how far Hammered Guy Scholars have gotten us.  This nation was fought for and founded by Hammered Guy Scholars. True story, the Revolutionary War started when Ben Franklin and Paul Revere stumbled out of the Bell n' Hand piss drunk and Ben (rabble rowser that he was) dared Paul to get up on his horse and ride around insulting the Brits. That's the true story of Paul Reveres ride, and that's why we're the awesome country that we are.

David Blaine Gives Birth (no, not really, that would involve real magic)

New York Post - Magician David Blaine and his pregnant fiancée, Alizee Guinochet, had to hitch a ride to the hospital on a snow plow after she went into labor and Blaine couldn't make a cab appear during the blizzard. Guinochet, a 24-year-old French model, went into labor last Wednesday night, just as another heavy storm crippled the city with 19 inches of snow. When Guinochet started to have contractions, illusionist Blaine, 37, jumped into action, heading out of his Village apartment, hoping to conjure up a cab. But none appeared. "The doorman and people on the street tried to help him flag down a taxi. But there were absolutely no cars on the road," said a source. 


So the guy can levitate, live under water for days at a time like some kind of odd fetus-man, and control his core body temperature while trapped inside a block of ice, but he can't hail a cab in New York?  Seems weak bro.  What are you even doing taking a cab anyway? All that TV special money and you don't have a driver? Or at least a own a car.


All joking aside, how long until David Blaine gets the magic itch again and pulls the oldest but most classic magic trick of them all, The Disappearing Dad.  Could be his greatest feat yet.

Britney Spears Dance Controversy

Fox News -  Britney Spears doesn't do the dance moves in her new music video, "Hold It Against Me." She couldn't nail the routines, so a dance-double stepped in to do the legwork, sources connected with the production tell TMZ. Multiple sources on the music video set tell TMZ, Jonas Akerlund, the director, was upset that Britney hadn't practiced enough , so he asked her dance-double -- Allison Kyler -- to fill in.

Here's a question, does it even matter at this point? Look this isn't 16-20 year old Britney, Britney before she could legally booze it up.  Britney that turned on everyone from teenage boys to creep 40 year old perverts living in their moms basement.  She's just an aging pop star, and she's not exactly aging gracefully, even by trailer trash standards.  It only makes sense to use a body double whenever possible at this point.

The few people who still watch music videos fall into two camps, teenage girls watching to learn the latest dance crazes, and teenage boys tuning into TRL to fill the spank-bank (that show is on air still right?).  It serves both groups purposes to have a hotter, more in shape dancer who can actually perform her routine without breaking for a carton of Marlboro Reds. It's common sense.