Brutal Beating on California's I-5

How about the nerve on this guy filming the whole thing? What a dick. Don't worry about calling the cops or anything, don't worry about maybe jumping out of your car, just film it and yell "DAMMNNNNN, GET UP...You Can't Get Up?" The guy out there helping came in from a few cars back while you're just chilling listening to emo-Drake.

 Fuck no he can't get up, you just watched him get booted in the head like 6 times dude. The guy is fucking out cold. Thanks for the help.

 PS: Traffic in Boston apparently has shit on traffic in LA. Say whatever you want about how bad the SE Expressway or 95 is during rush hour, I've never encountered a situation where there's been enough time to host a Mortal Combat match in the breakdown lane. That's just some other level stuff.

What's the Big Deal with These Addidas Shackle Shoes?

Enough already, folks. It's just a shoe. It's not slavery, it's not chain gangs, it's not Amistad. Last I checked Kunta Kinte wasn't rocking fresh to death kicks he just dropped a Bill on at Foot Locker. Same for the chain gangs, pretty sure standard issue prison shoes don't come with the latest in Adi-light technology. Everyone chill. You don't want them, don't buy them.

Not to mention that the designer explained where he came up with the idea and it couldn't be further from what all these reactionary fascists out there immediately jumped to:

That's right, My Pet Monster. See it now? The purple, the yellow? Feel foolish now, people?

PS: I forgot how awesome My Pet Monster was...calling my parents today, if they sold mine in some yard sale or gave it to Goodwill I might never forgive them. I had many a Wrestlemania bouts with that fella.

Best of Craigslist: Waiter or Waitress in the Westminster Area? Dream Job!

Original Posting Here

For those of you who are link averse and can't read microscopic print:

So it is time again for my wife and I to have our annual July 4th party. We are looking for one waiter and three waitresses for the party. But please read the rest of the story as Paul harvey would have said. This is Swingers party and we do 6 of them a year. The waiters and waitress must work in the nude basicly. you will be wearing an apron and flip flops. This again is a swingers party and the guests are all Bi sexual so you must also be comfortable with this type of life style. You are not expected to interact with the guests but you are here for eye candy so you need to be comfortable with the situation very out going in your personality so you can get them drinks and food and wait on them. Needless to say the guest will also be naked. If this sound good ot you hit me back iwth a photo of you and tellme somethign about you.

• Location: westminster
• Compensation: $25.00 per hour with a 5 hour minimum plus tips
• Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
• Please, no phone calls about this job!
• Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

By far my favorite part of the whole ad is: "Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster."

Yea, I don't think you have to worry about recruiters contacting you about catering for your orgy. Last time I checked Robert Half's website didn't have much in the way of nude catering jobs, sadly.

If you do go for this job, do you get to pick your own apron, or is this a mandatory uniform type thing?...If the waiter/waitress has carte blanche you'd be a fool not go with this little number:

El Wingador, Buffalo Wing Eating Champ, Busted with Huge Amount of Cocaine

WOODBURY HEIGHTS, N.J. -- A five-time wing-eating champion known as "El Wingador" is under arrest in New Jersey on a charge of cocaine distribution. State police say they recovered about $8,000 worth of cocaine and $4,000 cash when they stopped 50-year-old William Simmons on Friday in southern New Jersey. He was driving a Kia Soul decorated with the name El Wingador.

 First things first, that is the face of a Buffalo Wing Eating Champ/Suspected Cocaine Distributor if I've ever seen one. 


Secondly, any good lawyer will get that bogus distribution charge thrown out almost immediately. El Wingador is a competitive eater, folks. To get to that level requires heart, dedication, and an almost primal urge for large amounts of consumption. It's like what Nate Newton, the great Dallas Cowboy  O-lineman, said after getting busted twice within a couple of months with a combined total of 388 pounds of pot:

"I've always been competitive, I've always been in sports," said Newton, a six-time Pro Bowl offensive lineman who retired after the 2000 season. "I couldn't see myself not being the biggest dope man."

There you have it. We can't just revere this man for having the will to eat more Buffalo wings in a sitting than an average Americans yearly intake on one hand, and shame him when we find out he snorts massive amounts of narcotics on the other. The two go hand in hand. If the man is going to do coke, he's doing to do coke big. It's just wired in his DNA. Once he starts consuming something he doesn't stop until he has imposed his dominance on all those around him, and apparently, $8k worth of blow is where he set that mark. Don't believe for a second he was going to sell a single line of that stuff.

Beware Cape Cod: The Sharks Are Back for Summer 2012!

Welp, it's officially summer folks. Yes the calendar told you that yesterday, and yes the absurd heat may have tipped you off, but for my money, there's no bigger sign that summers here than when the local news outlets go full OMG! mode about the Great Whites off the coast of Chatham.

I have to admit that I'm a little disappointed we're not getting a let it rip out of VB on this one or something a little more animated, maybe Lily doing one of her quirky news stories like pretending to be a shark in a children's pools, I don't know, just something. It's almost as if the Great White story finally jumped the shark this year (I'm sorry, I had to do it, honestly I was contractually obligated to making that horrendous joke).

Look at this Donkey Focusing on the Wave instead of the Foul Ball Aimed at his Head

Bravo, BRAV-Fucking-VO.

Complete donkey indeed. Anyone who knows me knows I'm as anti wave as they come. So much so that I actively, and vocally will stand up discourage my entire section and the surrounding sections from taking part. In my lifetime I like to think that I've snuffed out at least two dozen would be waves. Just ended them right where they started. I fucking hate them, I hate them when the Sox are winning, and I especially hate them when the Sox are losing. If you're teams behind maybe its  not the time for the lamest celebration in all of sports.

So this guy who made a point of capturing this video and outing this Donkey is an absolute hero of mine. He can play for me any day.


PS: All of the above goes right out the window when we're talking about reverse waves. Counter clock wise people, I just want to see it once. That would be quite the spectacle, and frankly, I'm not so sure that wouldn't throw the earth off its axis right on the spot. It's unprecedented.

Mike Tyson's Reasoning for Going Vegan

Just when I was starting to think Tyson had lost his right hook: "You're Vegan!? What Changed You?" Mike: "Too many prison cells, too many jails, too many lawsuits, too many bankruptcies, too many women, too many venereal diseases." I assume that's the same reason most people choose to go vegan, no?

Stripper At Golden Banana Charged With Vehicular Homicide, Backed By Wiccan Community

About what I figured a Witch/Stripper Would look Like

Boston Herald - A strip club worker who was backed in court by a coven of Salem witches told police she had been drinking but was fighting off a Danvers teen’s unwelcome sexual advances when she drove into a parked tow truck early Saturday morning, impaling him on a flatbed, prosecutors said...Griffin, a mother of 3-year-old twins whose employer is listed in police reports as DB’s Golden Banana on Route 1 in Peabody, was ordered held on $10,000 cash bail by Judge Michael Lauranzo after pleading not guilty to motor vehicle homicide and drunken driving...Griffin’s attorney, Scott Dullea, pointed out to the judge a large turnout in court of Griffin’s “friends in the Wiccan community” and said she once worked in Salem’s witchcraft shops. He would not say whether she considers herself a witch.

I'm no lawyer...but I don't think pointing out your client's activities in the occult community holds the same favor as saying your client is active in the community. For some reason I just don't believe the judge is going to look as highly upon seances and witch orgy's as he would volunteering at the Boys and Girls Club or picking up trash in the park. 

And what kind of friends are these? Your sister witch is in trouble so you round up the coven, suit up, and head to the court house? The fuck? Bitch is trying to get a fair trial. You really think showing up dressed like a bunch of 6 year olds on Halloween is the right approach to make her seem like a fine upstanding citizen? And in Salem of all places? They've stoned and hung your people for less.

The Road Ahead: The Celtics Road to Recovery Part 2

CW's Wish, Seany Mo's Nightmare? I smell a retort coming.

ED Note: This is Part 2 of Seany-Mo's Celtics Draft Preview. For Part 1, Click Here. For valid basketball opinions, read this, then check back later this week when CW posts an educated look in at what the Celtics draft strategy should be.

Here’s who I’d like in green next year at both picks ranked from “unless every other GM is whacked out on black tar heroin, it won’t happen even though I’d love it” to “Danny, If you have any affection for us at all as fans, STAY AWAY!”

At 22…

PIPE DREAM

Perry Jones III, PF, Baylor- General sentiment seems to be that Jones, despite going back to school forhis sophomore season, didn’t really develop on the court as much as expected. His potential is offthe charts (6’10 power forward with fluid athleticism and a full repertoire of tools.) At times when I watched Baylor this year, Jones looks like he can do it all, from stroking threes to playing with his backto the basket to bringing the ball up in transition. At others, he looked completely lost, turning the ball over on an ill advised pass or getting charging calls when failing to read a help defender switching ontohim. At this point, picking Jones would be gambling on his massive untapped potential and at the 21 stpick, should he slip this low, it would be a fantastic steal.

HEY IT COULD HAPPEN…RIGHT?

Terrence Ross, SF, Washington- Ross is a rapidly improving jump shooter with fantastic ability operating off the ball and tremendous speed for a wing player. Although not even close to a Ray Allen caliber of shooting, Ross would function similarly in the Celtics offense by playing off the ball and letting Rondo find him on the perimeter or busting his ass down the court in transition in the hopes of getting an easy dunk. He struggles with ball handling and creating his own shot, which at this point only an aging Paul Pierce can do, but Ross at least would give us the ability to stretch the floor and create lanes for Rondo to operate with.

BLEND OF LIKELY AND SENSIBLE

Jeffery Taylor, SF, Vanderbilt- Taylor is a player I have actually seen the most of on this list the past two seasons, as my Uncle Ricky has actually met him a number of times and has a signed basketball from him. As Barney Stinson would say, “True Story.” In any case, I watched a number of Vanderbilt games so my observations here are based more on live games than selected scouting footage and compilations of various reports. Taylor has Tony Allen-esque defensive ability though he possess a much higher degree of basketball IQ than Tony (which isn’t saying much, since most fourth graders could make the same claim.) His lateral quickness was incredible, as I saw him stay right in front of the likes of Marquis Teague and Terrence Jones on numerous occaisons. Also encouraging is the development of a perimeter shot, which allowed him to boast a 54% field goal percentage this season (a career high.) He can become very passive at times, but if he is asked to come off the bench and provide defensive energy for the Celts, he should be able to make an immediate impact.

THIS IS MY NIGHTMARE

Fab Melo, C, Syracuse- Look, I know the Celtics have been struggling to find a big man since the Kendrick Perkins abomination, but I want absolutely nothing to do with Melo. Words wouldn’t fully convey my rage if the Celtics use one of their picks on this guy. He has great length that, as the old age goes, can’t be taught. But in my opinion, he doesn’t use it well at all. For such a tall player, he sucks at rebounding (Syracuse as a team was one of the worst in the country last season) as well as being extremely foul prone, committing about 3 per contest despite only playing 25 minutes per game. Sorry, but we just suffered through a foul prone, terrible rebounding center in Jermaine O’Neal. Not to mention this guy didn’t have the motivation to even show up to class and was deemed academically ineligible for the tournament. That doesn’t strike me as overly encouraging. Avoid this guy like the plague or I will break my TV on draft night. Don’t make me do that Danny, It’s a nice TV.